Sunday Happenings & Sermon Summary LOL

Sunday mornings find us zipping up the freeway to Eagle River. We were a smaller group than normal today...we only had to score 12 seats this morning. JaRissa are ill. Carrie's parents are in AZ. Jamin arrived late. Look at these girls all decked out in Irish Green! 

Carrie & Josi - 5 1/2 weeks

More girls in green

Jamin had a showing in the valley and had to leave us. Luke and Rylan decided to go off on their own adventure and Krista came to lunch with us. Kaelyn was enjoying time with friends. Carrie suggested we go to Pizza Man, a place where they used to go after church and where we had never been. It was GOOD FOOD. I was relieved to find something other than Mexican in Eagle River. ::snort:: 

backside of Josi, Carrie, Stacia, Krista, Livie, Allie, GG, Mike

Front view of Josi. 

There's a lot of energy in this group - they will change their world. 

Livie, Allie, Stacia, Krista

After lunch we drove to JBER to take Krista home.  As we LEFT base we were selected for a random drug search of our vehicle. What a sight we were climbing out of the car so they could search. 

Pretty shady characters! ::snort:: 

The girls met Jamin at the movie theater. Originally, Nolan and I were going but both of us had "things" come up. I'm content to stream the movie when it comes out. 

Michael and I had a fun talk about this morning's sermon...and I watched it again, I wanted to nail down a quote by Neil Cole. It helps to be able to pause a pastor as one writes. snort:: Pastor Brian's sermon is titled, "What Kind of Church is This?" He shared the vision of who ACF church is ... When we were fairly new at MAG Pastor Shannon did a series called, "This is Us." It was a series on his vision for the church. This sort of series is so helpful when one is getting to know a church. We noted Pastor Shannon's phrase, "Your partner in becoming" was also about discipleship.  Pastor Brian did a great job and left us with much to pray over and meditate on. Here are some of the things which stand out to us... 

Many see church as they do a trip Sudsy Salmon... put it in neutral, lean back and hope to come out cleaner. 

ACF church exists to make disciples. 

When discipleship gets hard, we can leave, or we can lean in.

One can be a disciple without being a Christian (interesting verses and conversation as we discussed this) but one cannot be a Christian without becoming a disciple. 

Great discussion on the Word, Mission and Spirit... three essential elements at ACF church - and what happens when one element is missing.

Behind you is a wake of discipleship - for better or worse. People will follow you and you can tell who you are following by what it produces in your life and in the lives of those following you. 

The church only becomes what we are becoming individually. 

If you don't love people; you don't love God. Which is why ACF church can say with boldness "You don't have to believe to belong." Belonging often precedes believing...in Jesus' ministry and at ACF church. 

A long quote from Neil Cole about rivers and lakes..... "A lake and a river are very different things. In broad strokes: a river is constantly changing, adapting and moving. A river can forge into rough ground and smooth it out over time. A river can carve out great canyons and transport goods to those who are in need downstream. A river can create energy; it is a power source. A lake is constant, comfortable and mostly unchanging. We can walk into the lake and walk out in exactly the same place with no change. With a river, however, when we enter into it, we are moved and cannot possibly exit in the same place in which we first encountered it. All who enter into the river are moved to another place, taken into the flow and thrust into deeper waters. A lake is safe; we can wade in at our own pace and go as deep as we want to go. A river is dangerous and will sweep us into its momentum and perhaps take us to places we may not want to go.  A river seems to have a will of its own."

ACF church is a river.  

 GRACE NOTES: 
1. Connecting with our kids at church is a taste of heaven on earth. 

2. A sermon which left us challenged and contemplating what our journey will look like long-term. 

3. Lunch with some of our favorite girls... 

Christians Can't Grieve

When news of Josiah's murder began to spread throughout the community a friend from co-op told me her son was murdered nearly 18 years ago and when I was ready, she was available to talk.

I have begun to think of questions I'd like to ask if the opportunity arose. We got a few minutes on a recent co-op day, and I asked her 1. Did you get justice for your son (no), and 2. Did people make comments like "these" to you (absolutely not). 

No?

I thought these were typical comments. 

Her granddaughter was with her and shared unless someone has lived what we are living they really shouldn't be telling us what to do or how to feel. 

From the responses of several nearby I realized the comments we have been receiving are not the norm.

Before going any further I must state the love and care we received from the Christian community and our community at large has been amazing! There were meals, hugs, cards, groceries, gift cards...we wouldn't have made it through those early weeks without the love and support of so many. We leaned hard on so many of you - you are the best. 

As time has gone on, however, we began receiving various comments, texts, emails...some within the first month of loss. I shared many of the written communications with my counselor to make sure I wasn't reading them totally wrong. He thinks I tend to see the best intentions in people.

After the response from my friends at co-op, hearing that this family did not hear these comments, I continued to consider...is it ME? I think in part it is. I'm learning I've given far too many people too much access to my inner thoughts and emotions.  I think that is a part of it. I have shared freely, others feel comfortable saying to me what they wouldn't say to Michael or another. However, I think there is more. 

Sadly, as I considered the comments, I realized all came from well-meaning Christians. It broke my heart a little more. We, of all people, should be compassionate and loving in the face of grief. We are commanded to WEEP WITH THOSE WHO WEEP. Why can't more of us do those simple things? Love each other. Grieve with each other. Why are my friends who don't profess to follow Jesus more willing to listen without judgment? When did we Christians become so uncomfortable with emotions? 

I'm being very mindful not to share exact comments, but there are specific comments said or sent to me which have been very painful...all conveying we have grieved enough and it's time to get back to ministry.  I extend grace. I forgive. I am wounded as it feels like the love, I thought many had for me was really for how I could minister to them.  I am surprised one would think I have to BE AT A CERTAIN PLACE in order to be loved. That feels very transactional rather than unconditional.

Please note I do assume folks are trying to say they miss US...and not simply what we DID for them...but some comments have been more plain than others. You'll simply have to trust me. I shared with my family and counselor and know in my heart of heart that some see life as a transaction. I am not holding up my end of the bargain lately. I'm not where I'm supposed to be, doing what I'm expected to do.  

Maybe they can't understand how we ARE still ministering...to each other, to our kids, to the people who routinely grace our table - the strangers who become family. A friend from a chapel where we served stated this season well. Our ministry is micro these days; we've been doing macro for years.  Both types of ministries are valid. We are ministering in and through our grief, as we are able to in this season. 

But no, I do not think it's time to "get over grieving." 

Yes, Paul says we don't grieve as those without hope.  He doesn't, however, say we don't grieve! 

Every parent I have talked to who has lost a child...through miscarriage, cancer, accident or murder have all said you DON'T get over it...you carry on with it...

WHY are we so bad at grieving as Christians? Our Lord was a man of sorrows, well acquainted with grief. We are to imitate him. He WEPT with Martha and Mary - even KNOWING he was about to RESTORE their brother to them in the here and now. He wept.

Do we feel like we have to always appear full of joy? Do we have a drive to portray nothing of the world can touch us? Do we want badly to "fix it" and when faced with something we can't fix simply revert to "get back to LOOKING normal" as quickly as possible? Do we fail to really listen? Are we too busy to practice the ministry of presence?  Are we failing to love one another unconditionally? Are we afraid to look broken to those outside the church? 

We can, and must, do better. So many in our broken world are grieving. Can we not be a safe place for their broken hearts? Can we not simply love and sit with them rather than trying to fix them or get them back into the box where we think they fit best? Can we not be honest enough to admit we have no idea how to help, but we're here? Can we not at least refrain from telling someone it's time to quit grieving? Because - if you don't know, you don't know. If you've lost a son in a brutal crime and have words you think are necessary to share - I'm all here. I'm actually all here when folks say the hurtful things - I KNOW many are trying to help - but we can do better. It's sad when the world would never dare to say to a grieving mom the things which have been said repeatedly by well-meaning Christians. Maybe because the world doesn't expect me to ever be whole?

I do not grieve as one WITHOUT HOPE. I have hope Jesus will take every broken piece of my life and make something beautiful and useful from it. HE truly is the only one who can "fix me." He will do that. Maybe we simply have to step back and BE THERE, LOVE and leave all the fixing to One who is qualified to step into that role. 

I see a Christian counselor. He would be sure to tell me if I were grieving in an unhealthy manner. He has affirmed my thoughts and instincts on much of this and has helped me work my way through to grace while still maintaining healthy internal boundaries. 

As I left co-op all these thoughts were swirling through my mind. I pulled into traffic, up to a traffic light, right behind this car.

A red 4 Runner. The twin of Josiah's car. Tears flowed. Is that unhealthy? No. There are moments when the loss smacks one in the face...pulling behind a car that looks like his, finding the bases he gave us so we could have family tball and kickball games in the yard...the moment I have something I want to tell him or get his opinion on... and I cry. But I am not crying all the time! I am past those days. I'm in the phase of being comfortable with grief spasms when they hit - because I've learned they pass much quickly if I just experience it and keep going....the grief, the hurt, the anger, the joy, the love all existing at once. 

Why do I write all this? I do process by writing. I do know that many of you have expressed a desire to understand and maybe in this small way it will help you help others in the future. Just be there - you don't have to fix it. You can't. It's not your job. Just be present.