I awoke with lots of energy. I got the kitchen cleaned, turned some moose meat into taco meat, made Dad breakfast and lunch and blogged.
I left for my last counseling session with a list of errands to run and things to do afterwards. Wow. I was wrecked after that session. Our last. I decided to come home for a good hug from Mike and cry instead. We hugged and cried.
The thing about grief is one thinks they've reached an equilibrium. This hurts, it's hard, but I'm healing. I can carry this forward....and then something happens that sets it all spinning again...and a new level of loss is discovered and must be processed. If I'd had my last session a week ago, I would have been confident we were cruising from here into eternity. It was good to have this happen to be able to discuss it with Josh today, rather than having the cheery "I've got this!" session for a final session. LOL He reminded me that the void in my life is Josiah, and there will always be this void of our missing son... I'm trying to describe this - words fail. It's a profound sense of loneliness. I'm lonely for Josiah. My life is really good. I love each and every one of my people. I'm excited for the good things happening in our family.... mission trips, moves, new friendships, new community and studies. I'm still deeply lonely for the son I cannot see and touch. The son I cannot get an update from. I've known him over 1/2 my life. He is missed. So much.
I AM healing, but the wound is here and there will be new discoveries of loss that bring pain and that's o.k. I'll process and deal with each new grief storm as it arises. Josh suggested a few more points in life where grief may be stirred into a storm... it's good to be prepared. I could tell he was right as each occurrence he mentioned brought fresh tears. I am reminded I am in relationship with the ONE who walks on stormy waters, the One who speaks to storms, and they calm. He sees. He knows. I know He is here with me, with us.
Michael and I ended the night by spending 2 hours in the hot tub.
