Visits - Surprised and Planned

 Jared, Larissa and Noah stopped by this afternoon. We had a fun visit. At one point Noah and I went to the toy closet. I was surprised when he found a tote with racetracks and cars. I'd forgotten Arielle had brought them over. We had so much fun I now am on the lookout for a bigger set for the grands to enjoy during the long winter visits. 

There was also this garage like box that shoots cars out of it. 

A little bit of friendly rivalry....

Nolan and Jamin arrived later to watch "The Age of Ultron" the next movie in our Marvel marathon.

Surprised or planned visits from the adult Gherkins and grands are the best. 

What I Learned at My Sleep Study

Grief has been a rather persistent companion since October 2023. The intense emotions come and go...however there is a constant ache and longing Michael, and I, have for our son.  We miss him, deeply. We are lonely for his smile, his laugh, his opinion. We have learned how to hold space for joy and sorrow at the same time...God is faithful and good in all seasons. 

I think fall will always be hard as our minds go to other fall memories and that one horrible fall where we sat looking at cheerful decorations in shock, trying to comprehend the unthinkable. Who goes to work and gets murdered? Fall signals the anniversary we never imagined we'd have to mark. 

I think going through the sentencing process broke my heart a bit deeper, and I didn't think it could be broken deeper. Nine of us shared how we'd been impacted by Josiah's murder. We listened to the murderer's father, sister and mother, his girlfriend and mother of his young son...it is all so very tragic. The story could have been changed at so many intersections - and yet it wasn't changed. We have forgiven this man and his mother...our son is still missing.  We ache for Josiah's presence. His family aches for him.  It's just so very sad. 

I am looking for joy in the season. I am. But sometimes it's a huge fight to even lift my eyes from the ache to see the joy...

Meanwhile, I've been having a increasing health symptoms and the doc talked to me about needing to deal with the issues. I am on a strict eating program meant to deal with ultra processed food addiction (and hopefully help with diabetes and high blood pressure). I made it in for the mammogram I'd neglected since life blew up, I sent in the Cologuard box, AND I went in for a sleep study. I still need to get a wisdom tooth pulled and my eyes checked.... checking through the list. 

When I showed up for the sleep study the tech asked why I was there. My brain quickly sorted through sarcastic options for an answer but in the end, I settled on telling him Michael and Julie (a sister friend) both said I scare them and quit breathing when I sleep. snort:: The doctor wanted to rule out sleep apnea. He asked what I thought about their observations. I told him *I* don't hear myself snoring but I do wake up a few times a night with a gasp. He said I probably do snore, and my brain will cause me to take a deep breath which is what causes the gasp...and I will breathe again. I figured - nothing to be alarmed about. ::wink::

My word! Right! 

"Just lay back and go to sleep and I'll watch you," he said.

 Well, that is plain creepy. He took away all electronics and my book and told me to just go to sleep (after I'd been reading 90 minutes). 

For the past year I've been sleeping with headphones on, and I listen to things on my tablet...and I fall asleep and when I wake up, I click start and listen until I fall asleep again. Don't judge me. 😏

I wondered why I did this. I KNOW it's not ideal. In year's past I was KNOWN for being able to fall right to sleep and to sleep through ANYTHING except a baby's cry.  I laid there, relaxed and let my brain be at rest...and it went right to Josiah. Some fun memories and then the stabbing sense of loss. Suddenly I KNEW why I had gotten into the habit of constant noise....to drown out the voice of grief. I couldn't drown out the voice with electronics this evening. I prayed, I sang worship songs, I quoted verses, and I tried to sleep. 

Somewhere during the night, I realized this is another way I am still trying to leapfrog over the valley rather than going through that deep dark valley of death (Ps 23). I suspect I'm going to have to make friends with grief because she isn't leaving me alone as much as I'd like her too. I'm simply going to have to make peace with her presence. Ps 23 has given me comfort that God is with me in the deep darkness and that He will set boundaries with his rod and staff. 

A year and a half ago or go, I had been reading "Practicing the Way" and listening to John Mark Comer's podcasts....he shares how we create pathways in our brains through our thoughts...and our brain will go to these places when it is at rest. Before the advent of the tablet/headphones I had been consciously praying and reciting scripture at bedtime, preaching the gospel to myself while at rest...making pathways in my brain so it would go to God when it was at rest.... Years earlier I read for dementia patients they remember what they've rehearsed most often...so I share the gospel with myself daily. But at some point, when my brain was at rest it began to rush to grief and not God and that is simply not comfortable.  I don't like emotions; I don't like randomly tearing up and so I have started avoiding a brain at rest. I'm not commenting on if this is good or bad, if there is a place to avoid grief until you are ready to deal with it etc....I'm just sharing what I learned at my sleep study. I know why I've changed how I get to sleep....I  also have a bit more insight into the screen habits of others. 😂 

Back at the sleep study the tech came in and WOKE ME UP! What in the ever-loving Sam Hill?

He evidently wasn't as confident my brain would motivate a breath as he'd sounded before the test began. He rushed in asking, "De'Etta are you all right?" Which woke.me.up. 

He told me he was getting a lot of great data, he needed me to sleep another 2 hours, and I definitely have sleep disorders to deal with. Since I HAD been sleeping, I was a bit frustrated at him for waking me up and had to start the whole process of getting to sleep again. 

He shared a prolonged lack of oxygen like I've evidently been experiencing can lead to (Are you ready?) high blood pressure, stroke, heart problems and dementia. Well - there you have it. This may be the key we've been working towards finding. 

Oh, I also discovered I am the Tech's Mother in Law's doppelganger - except her Texan accent is stronger than mine because she still lives in Texas. Who knew? I have a Texan accent. We did live there 7 years. 

I drove home at 0500. I have spent the day filling my brain with worship music. I've also sat quietly for 30 minutes and let my brain travel where it wanted to go, and I cried. And the world didn't end because I cried.  

I've done a boatload of baking. There is a pregnant mom who needs some meals, and I thought I'd make some goodies she can put in the freezer for snacky things.  

Stacia has invited the student body of Alaska Bible College over for a bonfire. S'more fixings are ready, rain is in the forecast, so I made some munchies in case they all end up inside playing games instead. She suggested they could make s'mores over my gas stove burners. I suppose?

For all the hunters who are not finding moose this year - there were three in our yard today! Save the money outfitting for the hunt - just plant a garden. I'm looking for partners to make this a community garden. 😉May have your produce eaten but it's great moose bait.

Two small ones

 He is big! 

The moose ran back into the woods. It reminded me of the day we were all playing Frisbee Golf. We had a net far into the woods....Josiah headed back to get his Frisbee and came back out with stories of a very newborn baby moose and it's mama. We diverted the course. LOL 

A Day of Appointments

This is a day of appointments. I started the medley by driving to Wasilla to enjoy tea and a couple of hours of getting to know a new friend from Bible Study, Denise. 

Michael got up half an hour after I left and headed to Anchorage where he saw an oral surgeon. It turns out it will take about 8 months for them to fix the tooth the VA finally approved having fixed. It will be pretty intensive and it's EXPENSIVE but in the end he will have an implant to replace the one that was that pulled a year+ ago. 

When Denise and I said goodbye I headed to visit Dad. I haven't made it over this week as he's busy going here and there and I am busy trying to get ready for....winter. The ladies at the home advocated for me to take Dad for ice cream. I had another cuppa tea. 

Little Millers knows that Dad needs a cup with his cone now. 😏  I feel STRONG having avoided pastries at Crema and ice cream at Little Millers. I'm back on the sugar-free, flour-free wagon after a short slide last Friday. 😬 I talked Dad into a bit of a walk after his ice cream. 

They have a bit of termination dust at the top of their mountain too. I love how the talk everywhere is about when it will snow. I love snow. If only it could stay fall with a bit of snow. ::snort:: 

Meanwhile, Michael drove back to the valley for his second and third appointment of the day. He saw the chiropractor and the massage therapist.

I came home to a quiet home and soaked in the solitude. 

My third appointment will begin in a couple of hours - I'm having a sleep study done. I'm wondering if I WILL fall asleep at all if I can't watch an episode of a homesteading channel. 

Wednesday

I had a terrible time waking up and didn't really get up and MOVING until around 9 a.m. By that time Stacia was long gone to work and Millie was looking at me with a very perplexed look, wondering why her routine was disrupted. 

I did a day's Bible study and went out to the Garden. I wanted to be sure to get some time in today and rain is forecasted for the afternoon. It was COLD outside. 

The garden has been sadly neglected since mid-July. I did a bit of work in it between company and our trip to VA with Allie. That's IT....and it continues to produce. BUT it's getting COLD...38* in the morning... Today I pulled the zucchini plant and dug the remaining potatoes out of the ground. I planted a 1/3 of  the potatoes as I did last year. 

Digging the potatoes was a bit more involved than it should have been. I've not watered or weeded...It took a bit of weed whacking but I managed to find the dead plants under the green weeds. LOL 

In June I planted rows of wild flowers in the back of the garden. I'd run out of things to plant and I wanted to keep the weeds down. It didn't work. I got rows of WEEDS....

I was thinking about this and stretching when I thought I noticed a bit of color. Sure enough - something grew...

I've been informed these are thistles and not wild flowers but they ARE colorful. ::snort::

I think I'm done trying to plant in the ground. Next year I have plans for a gazebo in the garden AND I'll plant a few beds of flowers throughout the garden. I continue to try try to figure out how to use this big space. I can't keep up with the size of it alone. I am contemplating how I could get a community garden to work...get someone using the space and some company in the garden at the same time.  Either that or I am close to giving in and spraying all the weeds. This view is standing at one end of the space. I have a green house, a hoop house and 7 beds. The rest is still space...and the best we've done with weeds is putting down cardboard and wood chips. The space goes all the way back to the trees. I don't know that I can afford to construct a bunch of beds....but maybe. I will have to brainstorm how to make a community garden work before next year. I'm sure there are people who would love to drive out and have a bit of garden space. 

Anyway, I came back inside and did another day's work in Bible study and woke Michael up. He had a telehealth appointment with his neurologist from the Portland Movement Disorder clinic. 

I made a big pot of Smoky Salmon Chowder, had a bowl, left some in the crock pot and headed out for Bible study. Stacia came home while I was out. 

I met up with Arielle and rode over to the study with her and the kids. It was another good discussion. I love how Lifegroup and study are dovetailing. This is one of my very favorite ladies at the study. 

Ellie is so teeny I forget she's a full blown TODDLER. I caught her in action. 

I stopped at the mailbox on the way home and found a package for Stacia, mail and a package for us from Luke and Krista full of Japanese goodness. Duolingo has failed me and I can't figure out what some things are. I thought the treats below were colorful puffed corn - NO. Some sort of craft Styrofoam beads. 

We loved all the different Kit Kat flavors when we lived in Japan so it is fun to see the new flavors. We need to start planning a trip to visit KrUke. 

Walk, Dust & Friends

 I dragged myself out of the house even though it was only 39* to go for a walk with Millie and Stacia. 

I love fall. It begins in August and goes very quickly in Alaska. August is marked by RAIN. Lots of rain. I am working to get walks and gardening projects done in between the rainfall. It's beautiful. My very favorite view is when the fall colors are down below, and the snow is about 1/2 way down the mountains. We don't get this view every year because we often get a windstorm that knocks all the leaves off before the snow parades down the mountain. I took the time to grab a few photos of our mountains while we walked this morning. 

The most important thing to note is the TERMINATION DUST on the top of the left mountain. Winter is coming - though I prefer to think it is at least 6 weeks away, the snow may arrive sooner. 

I had hoped to work in the garden this afternoon but it rained every time I headed out. I spent a couple of hours looking at the book of Colossians for the Bible study I am attending at Wasilla Community Church.  I also published a couple of blog posts. 

Stacia has classes until 9 p.m. on Tuesdays. We keep thinking we will get home from Lifegroup at the same time...but she is usually in bed when we get home.😀 This evening found us at Neil and Deb's enjoying pumpkin soup and salad, fellowship, and a challenging discussion about distractions, divisions and keeping Christ central in our lives and church. It was a fun evening. 

The general consensus from the six of us at Lifegroup is that we may have snow in a couple of weeks. Really? Seems a bit early...but it has snowed at other towns around us and at Hatcher's Pass already. 

I sense God working to restore things we have been praying about for months. We shall watch and pray. 

Picking Up After the Moose

It's Flannel Monday - and quite honestly today has been a hard grief day for Michael and me. It's been 1 year and eleven months since the fateful Monday which broke our hearts. We miss Josiah and that's o.k.  Rena, a friend of the girls from Master's Commission, sent these darling stickers. They're perfect. 

Even sweeter than the sticker is that it communicates she still remembers Josiah and cares for our hearts. 

We spent some time the last few days compiling a "Fall Project List."  We have already marked four items to be done in the spring. ::snort:: Michael repaired the play structure and moved Allie's things earlier...it's fun to see things moving off the list - one way or another. Jamin and Jared are planning a workday in October to help us finish what we need done.  We are motivated. 

I woke up first and took care of the Cologuard box...which I am hoping will take care of the nagging texts and phone messages I have been getting for the past month from Cologuard and my lovely doctor. I had a terrible time getting the timing down so I could mail it before noon on Monday. I live in ALASKA, and it has to go to Wisconsin and arrive on a weekday. I've had appointments and babysitting on Mondays and I wasn't about to chance going through all this only to have to do it again because it arrived on the wrong day. ::Snort:: 

I dropped by Arielle and Bre's homes to deposit things left at the house by their children on Saturday at our Family Gathering. I stopped by my favorite coffee hut for a chai...they will be closing on Oct 10th, and I have gift cards to spend. 

Michael pulled out and cleaned four exhaust fans.

Two moose have been enjoying the remaining bounty in our garden. I decided to get outside today between rain showers and start pulling the last things out to eat and to compost. It began to rain. I did get 4 of the 11 beds cleared.  The peas have taken over this year. I've been eating 20 oz of veggies a day. STILL there were just way too many of these peas....I pulled all the vines/peas and let the chickens have them. I simply don't think I can stand another pea. 

I harvested the celery the moose didn't eat. I chopped up enough for a soup I'll make this week and got the rest all cleaned and cut into celery sticks for munching. 

The moose ate all the greenery on top but seem to have left the sprouts alone. 

I picked the smaller kale leaves and then pulled the plants and let the chickens feast on the big leaves. We have had Kale for 2 1/2 solid months. 

Pulling the peas revealed how many carrots are still left in the beds. The wind and moose had done a number on the peas, and the trellis wasn't holding them up any longer. 

I harvested another head of cabbage and there are still 3 plants in the garden bed. The rest of the bed had beautiful plants, with the center head of cabbage missing. A hem - I don't mind sharing. There was more than the 3 of us can eat.  I pulled all the sunflowers. I also pulled the crookneck squash and harvested the small squash. I don't think it is warm enough for them to do much else this year. I still have beets, carrots, MINT, Brussel sprouts and the cabbage left in the beds...oh, and a zucchini plant and two rows of potatoes. I have cucumbers and tomatoes in the hoop house, but since our recent windstorms the plastic is missing, and it's too cold for those things won't mature. I plan to get them pulled this week too. I still have a greenhouse full of red and ripening tomatoes.   The chickens had a great day! I usually have a "lasagna bed" in the garden which gets a lot of the garden compost, but we didn't get one built this year. 

I pulled enough carrots for the upcoming soup. 

I was wet and muddy when I got inside. I didn't realize how muddy until I changed clothes and realized I was still seeing spots....muddy glasses and face. LOL 

I took care of closing an account for Dad and moving his money to a local account. I had the best discussion with Asam, the customer service rep. He ended the call by thanking me for having a "warm heart and an encouraging soul." He said he'd like to move to Alaska. I think Alaska would welcome him. 

The day ended when Michael was done with his work and able to retire to his recliner to catch up on puzzles and current events. I met Stacia in town, and we drove to Michael's. I didn't find the frame I wanted, but she found lots of frames to finish her room remodel. 

It was a productive day! 

Ellie at 18 months

We simply can't get enough of Little Miss Ellie. Her mannerisms are SO like Arielle at this age.  She even dismisses people from her presence with a wave of her hand. ::snort:: We are striving to remember she looks little, but she is a full-blown toddler these days! Check out that little tongue. 

 

Watching Josi

 Today was a lovely Josi day. I haven't watched her since May as Livie has grown into a great watcher of her lil sister. Livie is back in school and Bachan is back on duty. Josi has grown and changed since May. I was excited to spend time with her and experience some of the changes. 

The first noticeable change is Josi was NOT happy to see me when she woke up. LOL She's grown aware of blips to her routine, and I was a blip. Not to worry - Bachan has had lots of experience with toddlers. 

We played, went for walks...and Josi snapped out of her grouchy mood.  She is MUCH more aware of her surroundings and so very active these days.  She takes only one nap now and eats a variety of yummy food. Her personality is delightful. 

She was much happier after her nap and woke up smiling. I wasn't a surprise. LOL 

Watching Josi previously consisted of several nap times  - which made for lots of quiet time. Today was a full day of playing and interacting. We had fun.  I like this stage. 

There is nothing quite as magical than seeing the world through the eyes of a young child! I am blessed. 

Papa is Great!

Yesterday's post ended with us wondering if the boys would pull it together and behave appropriately Saturday evening/ Sunday. 

We got a text as we headed to Eagle River for church . I saw it was from Arielle and we knew it would let us know how our afternoon would unfold. "The boys want you to know they are making good choices!" ::yes:: 

After church we met Stacia in the valley for lunch. She is branching out to find a church in the valley she wishes to attend.  And after lunch...we went to BIG DIPPER and met Arielle and the kids. They were so excited and we were proud of their behavior. I was happy I managed to avoid eating any sugar. ::snort::  I was busy conversing with the boys and didn't take a single photo. 

Papa and Ellie

Arielle took this one. She captured the moment Michael became a hero in another grandblessing's estimation. Ellie has been chanting "Papa, papa, papa!" 

Cory will be home tonight. So far, the moose are eluding him. 

A Fun Play Date (Intervention)

Cory is off hunting. Arielle called and it was apparent she needed a bit of a break. We staged an intervention. They all came over and we tried to take the challenges out of her hands for a few hours.  The bubbles are always a win, and they were especially colorful today. 

The trampoline is fantastic for working out energy. 

Michael and I taught Benny the art of Bocce ball. He wanted to learn so he can play with the Uncles at family gatherings. 

Benny grabbed some beets. 

Stacia got home and got a bit of Bocce in as well. 

As Arielle was getting everyone into the van one little one began to exhibit inappropriate behaviors. Without even thinking mama bear rose up and to defend her cub (Arielle). I used a stern Bachan voice, and said, "You will NOT treat my daughter that way."  Three boys had wide eyes (two of them were gleeful) and Arielle was happy for the backup.

In full hearing of the boys, I told Arielle we would check in after church tomorrow and see if they'd made good choices the rest of the day. I promised a trip to Big Dipper if good choices were made.  I know. But I figure a bit of Bachan bribery when Daddy is gone on a several day hunting trip is a rare enough occasion for it to be o.k.