October Snippets

The chickens roaming free means we often have them looking in the window rather disapprovingly. This gal isn't impressed with me on the treadmill. 

 Allie has been working on a college project. She made a tabletop with the maps from her OT class....its cool. 

Thursday and Friday mornings at Sophia's, a local cafe. 

Stacia made these sugar shells and then filled them with a tea bag. Tea Bombs - what a fun idea. 

Michael rearranged our parking set up...I think this is going to work well. 

Edit - well this one is unexpected. I open a post early in the month and throw in photos that I don't use while blogging. This is the point where life changed drastically for our family. The above photos are before Josiah was killed. The following photos are some I haven't got around to blogging from those days immediately following his death. 

Saturday, October 28th, everyone was out doing and going...I suppose. I ended up going for a drive. I didn't have a specific destination in mind. I ended up at MAG's parking lot.  Within minutes the girls, Cory and Arielle and Breanne and Izaak pulled up. 

Five days after our worlds exploded. This is a moment I will remember. Everyone climbed into the van with me. We talked. We cried. We did a bit of laughing. I had so many questions as to what Josiah must have felt and how we were going to get through this. The kids were so helpful. This was in my very broken and angry phase. I wanted to find something to punch, and it was nice to know I wasn't the only one who wanted to break things. 

Oct 31st and Steve and Debbie have flown in. We headed to Walmart as Stacia and I wanted to find flannel for Josiah's Celebration of Life. I remember being so grateful Steve, Debbie and their boys were here...and so overwhelmed that soon we'd be saying "goodbye" to Josiah. Each day felt like living a year or so...

Stacia and I with swollen eyes, but smiles in place...that's how it was. 

At the house people from nearby and far away were sending groceries, cards, flowers and each one was a sweet reminder of dear friends and family...people who had touched our lives and people who had been touched by Josiah's life. Michael's sister, Kathy, sent some lovely chocolate strawberries. Danny is suitably impressed. 

Earl and Jerome, Julie, Don, Beth, Sarah and Cora, Steven, Robert and more all flew in sometime between here and the 1st of Nov.  These were surreal days. Days with those we love dearly nearby, laughter, heartache...we survived. I may find more photos...but I'll get this out of the draft box for now.  My heart is simply too full to do justice to those days. I'll carry the memories of the love and kindness and heartache with me always. 

We began to wade much deeper into grace...intimacy with a God who welcomes our honest emotions, even when others don't. 

How Am I Doing?

 The suspect is in custody. We will go to the arraignment this afternoon to provide victim impact.

I shared this on Facebook this morning. I don't have time, or energy, to pretty it up. 

"How am I doing?"

We are raw, emotional, devastated and shattered. Our hearts are not breaking they ARE broken. We have always held ministry, people, in an open hand rather than a clenched fist, allowing God to move us and circumstances and people in and out of our lives. We have lived with "yes." Josiah's murder elicits a soul screaming NO. We know clenching our fists won't bring our beloved son back to us and his family, we will fight back to a place of yes. We know who our God is, we know He is faithful and still the platitudes grate. We are fairly real and authentic and this hurts. This isn't how it is supposed to be. And I believe Jesus weeps with us. I believe it is OK to lament and God sits with us in the lament until He gently leads us to solid ground again. We are not losing our faith, we are admitting this hurts terribly 3 days in. Life changed. Things I felt I knew have broken wide open and shifted to a deeper level. Yes, God is good, but He isn't a "safe" God..Ala CS Lewis. I believe God is comfortable sitting with our raw emotions, hurt, anger, confusion-grief. I know many of us are not as comfortable with others' raw emotions...some are. I trust God, AND I believe he invites us to grieve. As we take time to lament, He walks with us through it and heals deeply, as we grieve deeply. I want deep healing not surface platitude healing.

Some simply turn their back because they dont know what to say. We appreciate each of you. We will have grace with you when you say the right thing at the wrong time, please have grace with us if we snap or seem to be less than what you consider to be ideal in our response to grief. Yes, I know "This is the day the Lord has made," and I know I am to rejoice and be glad in it. I know the need to choose joy. It's just I believe my God is big enough to sit with me in the ashes as I wail and he is pleased I trust Him enough to be authentic with him.

I am NOT fine. Don't ask me how I am if you want a church face, a smile and a platitude. I can't manage the strength for that this day. If I admit to you how I truly am its because i trust you with my most tender broken pieces. I am sorry it is uncomfortable. I have been raised in ministry and served in ministry but just now i need to grieve hard without worrying about your response. And in some cases, please understand we stay away because we are concerned our grief is too much for you. If we snap it will hurt you. We will be OK. We KNOW deep down He carries us, He redeems, His mercies are new and perfect for every morning. His grace is so sufficient..even here. We are still in his care, even here. We have grown into a stubborn faith. We will eventually count it all joy, you know we will. We also know we heal best when we trust THAT authentic God enough to be honest with Him. I am truly sorry if our grief offends...3 days in and I want to grieve without worry about how it looks to others. If God can't be God here in the sad, angry, broken places he isn't the God I KNOW him to be.

That's how I am...I treasure a friend's response after texting to ask how I was last night. She offered anything i need coffee, conversation, silence. I told her I wanted to break things. She said she'd take me to the rage room and break things with me to my heart's content. She was real.

This morning I don't have the energy to break things. Kareen, a local friend sent this song. We cried, we laughed, we get it. It IS hard to say it is well with my soul when it hurts like hell. (Mike let me swear ::snort::). It doesn't mean I won't say it, it doesn't mean I don't trust a loving God...I just have to believe He knows and understands and just now, when the pain is so fresh, He welcomes me to sit in the ashes WITH him....because deep down I believe a loving Father God also grieves at the senseless pain in an evil, broken world. He knows I am human and sitting in the ashes will get me back to healing in the quickest way.

Praying for grace and strength for this day. Shew a novel...but that's how I am. ::snort::

Our Son - Josiah Michael Goecker

Sept 30, 2023

Josiah Michael Goecker

Feb 9, 1989 - Oct 23,2023

Our son was shot and killed by a tenant yesterday while protecting a co-worker. Our hearts are shattered. He was the ultimate big brother, always thinking of family, a great husband and absolutely loved being a daddy. His care of Mike and I was amazing, always making sure we got our limit of salmon, had winter wood etc. His heart was big, his gentle wisdom loved by many.

It feels surreal. We mourn and grieve but, "this I call to mind and therefore have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is His (your) faithfulness..." Lamentations 3:20-24.

Lord, we need your mercy, love and faithfulness most on this day when we are broken, sad and angry.

Please pray for Carrie, Livie and their unborn daughter, for the family, and for the young lady whose life Josiah saved.

Fallon, a friend from Carrie's work has started a Go Fund me for Carrie and the girls. Our prayer is the financial concern of this time can be alleviated. If you'd like to contribute you can do so here. This is the only go fund me I am aware of...you may also contact me for Venmo options. We thank you so much for helping us take care of Josiah's girls.

https://gofund.me/3f945790

Happier Days - July 2023

It's a girl! Join us in praying God's mercies and health on Josi Faith.

The Day When Life Unexpectedly Changed

A happier post....Monday started with Michael knocking out the elusive paperwork, Allie feeling sick and Stacia hitting the trailhead. She parked herself at the trailhead near us with hot chocolate, a sign and some cards that said, "I was broken" and a photo of shipwreck beach, Japan on one side...and the words "I am redeemed" on the other side. 

I am so proud of her!  What a fun idea. I finished on the treadmill and was motivated to walk to the trailhead and see her.  I won't fib, getting a cup of hot chocolate on a frosty cold walk was very nice. 

She talked to seven people...and I found it fun as I walked home when a regular gentlemen walker around here said good morning and told me there was a gal up the road with hot chocolate. Stacia told me he'd snuck off the trail to avoid her...but planting seeds of hospitality and love in the neighborhood. 

She came home and we discussed with Michael. 

Michael's phone rang. He listened a few seconds, handed me the phone and fell to the ground.

It was Carrie. "Josiah's been shot..." and one thinks SHEW Carrie and baby are fine. The next words one expects is he's in surgery, please come. 

But the next words changed our world...

"...and he's dead." 

10-23-23...a date I will remember as well as 2-9-89...which my kids will tease I am FOREVER mixing up their birthdates and asking, "WHAT year were you born?" 

We covet your prayers. 

It started out happier. I am not stopping until I make a happier post. 

October Celebration

 We gathered to celebrate Larissa, Carrie and Charles' birthday today! It happened to fall on CHARLE'S birthday. It's hard to believe Little Buddy is 3 - though he IS convinced he is 11.  He was happy with his cake and the singing. Danny is the one who gets into singing Happy Birthday. 

Little Buddy was thrilled to blow out his candles...

and then the candle on Carrie's cheesecake...and even the candle on Larissa's cheesecake. 

Charles is certainly the most exuberant celebrant today. 

Bre's got a houseful of sick children and couldn't make it today...but Krista, Luke and the kids were able to be here...and Charle's bio grandparents came as well. Allie was home in time to join the fun. We missed Alex and Nolan.  I picked up a few toys for the younger set to play with...cracked me up that the boys turned them into "muscles." 

Noah did eventually get to enjoy he and Trudy's new toy. It's hard to believe his is 9 months old today!

Photo by Larissa

Photo by Larissa

Allie and Stacia have a murder mystery to attend this evening. They broke away and got ready. Charles was very impressed with the "swishy" dresses. 

Photo by Carrie

Noah and Boys. Photo by Carrie

Benny & Livie. Photo by Carrie

It was a fun day. I am relaxing with a cuppa tea, waiting for the ibuprofen to kick in. LOL 

A Very Full Friday

I am a blogger. I have been a blogger for over 18 years. Therefore, I must blog.  Even when the day doesn't seem very blog-worthy and it's the end of Alaskan Fall, people! Soon we will be inside. 

It was 19 degrees this morning when I went out to release the chickens. That's a bit more than a "crisp fall morning" in my book - but, whatever. 

Michael has been working on new paperwork for social security. We were given false information when he was rated 100% service-connected, total and permanent by the VA. Thankfully, with a month to spare, we've been given the correct information. Michael is now in a race to see if he can get an application into the system and somewhat processed before his birthday in November. It will be close. It will be beneficial to our financial health if he can.  He has spent hours online and, on the phone,...and then was told he needed to wait 5 - 10 days for the authentication paperwork to reach us. He decided to drive to Anchorage today and talk to someone in person at the social security office. He came home with the authentication paper he needed and will now fill out the application online. The first appointment they have is in December and the lady encouraged him to submit it before his next birthday. Something about being rated for SSDI before you are retirement age. If only, the social security office in Crescent City had given us the correct info in 2016...it would have made the past years so much easier. 

The thing is we had a full day planned BEFORE Michael had to run to Anchorage. We cancelled what we could...an appointment to get our eyebrows waxed was essential. I had already had to cancel Allie's appointment and didn't want to cancel more. I appreciate businesses that let us put all the family appointments at once - and it leaves them in a lurch if we all cancel our appointments. GG was THRILLED beyond measure to visit the esthetician. ::wink:: We made it up to him by taking him out to his favorite restaurant for lunch. He loves to joke and tease with the wait staff. 

Today was cold but it was SUNNY and BRIGHT and BEAUTIFUL. Millie and Stacia took time to play outside a bit. Millie loves the days Stacia doesn't have classes. 

Somewhere in the midst of the day I baked another loaf of bread. I need to invest in a little tool that makes it easy to cut the top of the dough. LOL I am experimenting with varying amounts of fresh ground wheat and bread flour...this loaf turned out pretty good. 

Michael got home and agreed to stretch and fold the sourdough for me while Stacia and I ran out to the local box store for a couple of things for tomorrow's family celebration. We were making great time, so we decided to stop for drinks and discuss our Bible study.  

We arrived home in time to throw pizzas in the oven and sit down for dinner. And then the unthinkable happened. We realized I needed to pick up an accessory for Allie at the store. I KNEW there was a reason we planned to drive into Wasilla. Which is how Stacia and I found ourselves at Walmart - discussing how we could see the church the kids and Allie were at, and we COULD crash the conference. We decided to come home instead. LOL 

I leave you with these darling pictures of Noah Bear. He is 9 months old tomorrow.  Roscoe stands guard so no harm befalls Noah when he is out and about. 

photo by Larissa

This is a great father/son shot...and it mirrors how Stacia and I feel getting home at 9:20 p.m. 

Photo by Larissa

We are going to end then night with a round of Despicable Me 2. 

Local Grass Fed Organic Beef - NOW WHAT?

 Another shot of our mountain in the fall! I can't get enough of the mountains. The snow is getting quite deep at the top. The bare mountain to the left is our gauge. Old-timers say 2 weeks till snow on the ground in town when it hits that mountain. Today there was snow on the slopes...not much but it may stay. We'll see tomorrow. 

Beautiful, crisp fall day 

Michael had an appointment today. Allie had class. Stacia worked all day on homework. The chickens ran hither and fro. Millie barked at chickens all day. I took care of some paperwork associated with women's ministry and made sure the FB blurbs I'd scheduled earlier in the week for the church's page were actually posting. ::snort:: 

I met Rachel, our new pastor's wife, for a hot drink at a local hang out spot. 

Michael worked on paperwork. He's currently dealing with paperwork from 3 government agencies. He suggested he come with me to go back into town to pick up Dad's meds. I forgot to pick them up when I was in town. We got a text while standing in line that our beef was ready to pick up. Our cow was MUCH smaller than expected, but it's a good start for us.  Locally raised, grass fed, organic beef for the winter...or at least part of the winter.  Our 1/2 turned out to be 213 hang weight...and approximately 150 lbs of beef we can eat. We decided it was o.k. to be less than we expected because this is our first year. We'll figure out how much we need and if it is worth it to use to get the grass fed. ::snort::  NOW what do we do with a box of "offal" and "bones."  Michael told me to get them - I'm a bit sickened by it all. Tell me, if you've gotten such...what do I do now? 

After dinner and homework, Stacia and I finished White Collar. I'm not sure how I feel about the ending.... Allie is with our youth group at AKYC as a chaperone. 

A Magical Sunday Afternoon

It happens every year in the fall.... we get busy with projects; we spend as MUCH time as possible OUTSIDE and I neglect the blog...but we have been living LIFE to the FULLEST since September 6th. I'll try to get my act together and do some back posting in the near future and then be ON the mark again. LOL 

Sunday was a gorgeous day (blogging on Thursday). I can hardly believe we do NOT have snow yet. The snow is creeping down the mountains...but most years we've had it on the ground by now. We've had a few flurries but nothing that sticks more than an hour or so. I LOVE the fall colors shown in front of the mountains topped with snow. 

I had just laid down for Sunday nap after a busy Sunday morning when what did I hear? The excited voices of little ones. Arielle had let the boys run around back...not knowing the chickens are free range these days. There is no grass left in the chicken yard and we know they'll soon be cooped up for months. Michael ran out and introduced them to each other. The hens pose no threat at all - but that rooster is another story. 

The Chicken Whisperer 📷by Arielle

While Papa wrangled chickens, Bachan followed Jamin, Allie and Benny into the woods. The youngers hadn't explored this part of the yard. Jamin and Allie talked photo effects and Jamin caught some Big Foot footage. It was magical back in the woods.  

Danny, Bachan & Charles 📷by Arielle

Less than a minute after I took this photo Danny climbed even further into the tree and we heard, "I'm STUCK!" ::grin:: 

Such a brave boy! 

Mighty explorer.

When one discovers a magical world of trees, leaves and sticks...one must of course, play at sword fighting. Allie is a good sport. 

Allie, Benny & Danny

"Bachan! I'm in the ORANGE tent!"

Of course, a comment like that brought the other two running. Three peas in a pod. 

Michael started a fire. Cory finished his meeting at their church and the boys and Arielle went home. The girls ran over to MAG to let Millie run in the field. We visited with Jamin around the fire. 

Michael enjoyed seeing all Jamin's photo gadgets. 

The girls joined us around the fire when they got home. Millie pretends to be disinterested in the fire. We enjoyed a chapter out of,  "Call of the Mild" by Torrey Martin. 

A quick note as I haven't kept up well. Both girls completed their midterms with flying colors. They are busy with their course work, social lives and ministry service. We couldn't be happier at how well they are settling into brick and mortar college life! Neither are working this semester so they can focus on all the transitions in their lives.