Why haven't I been blogging since 9 September?
Has the blog run its course?
Are there things too deep to share on a blog? Obviously. How does one committed to authenticity and transparency blog when walking through times which are simply too private to share?
The blog - then named Choosing Joy - was started as a way for the older girls to get to know Stacia. They left home 2 weeks after she was born. We discovered it was a great way for Michael to keep in touch with our daily happenings while he was deployed, and we were not. It was a fairly easy way for friends and family to "catch up" with us when they felt the urge to see what we were doing. Michael loved having a family journal and had visions of us printing each volume (4 big books a year) and keeping them for the family.
Stacia is 11. She sees the girls monthly. Michael no longer deploys. Facebook produces so much noise most don't have time to read "blogs" any longer....and really don't miss posts when I don't blog.
I suppose it still has merit as a family journal - though I doubt it needs to be public to accomplish that goal. In fact, if it WERE private I'd feel much more freedom to share - and yet there ARE dear ones who tell me how much it means to connect in this way - we've shared life for eleven years together.
Our family joke used to be I wrote "so we could remember what we did when we became old and gray." Now that Alzheimer's and Parkinson's has touched our home - it doesn't seem such a funny joke any longer. I SHOULD be writing - but I rebel. I don't want to write with an awareness I may forget or Michael may forget, or loved ones may forget if I stop writing....
I don't know why I'm not writing. Quite possibly because it takes more effort than I've wanted to exert to produce text and photos which are upbeat and pretty when life feels hard, hard, hard.
NOTHING new or terrible is happening - just hard things that linger on and don't resolve quickly - and really don't need to be shared online in a public forum. We've schooled. We've worked as we can. We've enjoyed campfires, hikes, visits and game nights. I am leading an online Bible study group which has become a lifeline for Christian community.
What's hard? Realizing none of the diagnosis which the VA gave Michael are going to go away. We go to multiple appointments each month and each time we are both a bit bemused and surprised to realize they all say HE REALLY HAS ALL THESE DISEASES. WE keep thinking it's some oddity and will eventually change. Each visit confirms this is the new norm. New symptoms develop, and we learn what can be done or what can't be done to alleviate them. We don't want the blog to become an "organ recital."
We've come to realize there are no easy answers here in CA. We will be here as long as Mom G needs us, and we aren't sure how long that may be. It's hard to transition through these seasons with parents. We thought of renting or buying a home here in town, but we're not ready to do that. We still dream of traveling and living in Alaska if we can't live in Japan....
We're going to try to blog a bit more. Michael has said he'll help me "catch up." I'll post link on the Courageous Joy Facebook page, if you don't follow the page, just check back and scroll down to find the newer posts posted on the older dates. ::grin::
