One month.
It hurts - big.
Still.
It's hard to sing, "It is well with my soul," when it hurts this big.
It's hard to sing, "He has made me glad," when my heart is far from glad.
It's impossible to sing, "You're all I've ever wanted," with honesty.
I want badly for life to rewind to Oct 21st or Oct 22nd.
I want justice and accountability.
I want grace and revival.
And so, I don't sing those lyrics.
Because the God I know is big enough to invite honesty.
The God I love doesn't require me to put a church face on the pain.
He doesn't rush things like healing and restoration. He certainly doesn't slap Band-Aids on life-threatening wounds in order to have things look nice and pretty and make others comfortable.
This year I am not glad.
My soul is still tormented with questions.
Yet, I AM THANKFUL this Thanksgiving.
He walks this path with us.
He grieves with us.
He understands and is patient with the process of healing.
He is still faithful.
He still loves.
He is still kind.
He is still just.
He is still angry at the evil one and the evil he instigates.
I understand a bit more about a parent's heart that grieves and is angry at the unjust taking of His son - there was thunder, lightning and an earthquake when His son was killed...though his son chose to lay down his life. For us. And He deemed it was "worth it, my future was worth it."
This year I'm not thankful for promotions, new jobs, the family all being together. We won't be. Someday we'll all join Josiah in heaven - but this is not that day.
This is not that "Happy" Thanksgiving.
This is thanksgiving in the midst of the painful night.
This is a more costly giving of thanks.
It will be well with my soul.
I will be glad again.
His grace does hold.
I see glimmers of good in the midst of the tragic.
But this Thanksgiving Day I wake with tears.
And God is not impatient or angry with me.
I miss Josiah.
I miss past gatherings.
I miss what was planned and will not be.
A different song runs through my mind.
"Your promise still stands
Great is Your faithfulness,
faithfulness
I'm still in Your hands
This is my confidence,
You've never failed me yet.
I've seen you move, You move the mountains
And I believe I'll see You do it again.
You made a way, when there was no way
And I believe I'll see You do it again.....?
I can't seem to embed the video but you can listen to the whole song by Elevation Worship here.
And THIS
Josiah's favorite song. I'd never seen the official lyric video before. Packs a punch. Let me tell you about my Jesus.
