Mornings in the Garden are Back

 I set my alarm early this Sunday morning to be sure, in the midst of the hustle and bustle of getting everyone to Eagle River without Michael, I had time to sit in the garden. There's not much but weeds and dirt out here just now. 

Ah - but I have set my chair out and it was waiting. I bring a nice hot cuppa chai with me, and I sit and listen to the birds, and the occasional moose moving out in the woods. I sit with the weeds and the potential represented by the beds, and I dream and hope.  I sit with my thoughts, and they seamlessly become prayers and with no effort at all I sense His still and quiet voice of comfort and hope.  If nothing but weeds grow, these mornings make gardening worth the effort in this season. If the moose break through my bungee corded deterrent and eat all my little starts, these early morning garden moments are still worth the effort. 

I have come to realize there is a whole lot more than dirt and weeds out here. There is the awareness of Jesus and there is hope, comfort, peace and possibilities out here. 

What IS this? 

I had 30 minutes before I had to begin the morning routine. The girls knew what time we needed to leave. The problem this morning was me and GG. The shirt I gave him didn't fit any longer. He was a bit slower moving than I expected, and we were JUST making it out of the door on time. I started the van and discovered...

...I had less than a 1/4 tank of gas.  I WANTED to take the back hwy in and avoid construction - it's closer to our home. I did NOT want to go into town for gas. I googled how many miles it was from my door to the church's door - it is 33 miles. I checked the cars nifty readout to find out how many miles it estimated I had left in the tank - 21 miles. There isn't a lot between here and the church on the back hwy. 

We had to run into town, where it too 15 1/2 gallons to fill my 16 gal tank.  We usually show up at ACF 11:15 and save seats for all the Gherkins. I could tell we wouldn't make it by 11:15...however, we were the only Gherkins at church this week, so we weren't letting anyone down. 

I would like to say right here there should be a special place in heaven, or at least at ACF, for someone who can make it from the Valley to the church in 27 minutes. I believe, in Liberia, they called it the sinner's bench at the back of the church. 

Church was so worth the effort to get there. Randolph did an excellent job of presenting the difference between religion and relationship. I'm excited to journey through the book of Romans this summer.  Worship reminded me once again, death doesn't win. It's been conquered.

Saturday at the Gym and a RANT

 I wasn't sure I'd be able to fit in a soccer game today - but it worked. I was glad to attend as Arielle had all the littles today. What a blessing to be able to be a part of their lives. 

Arielle, Ellie, Charles, Danny

Ah the cleverness of Ellie Rae. Look! TWO teeth!

Benny has had a theory/superstition that blue always wins and whichever teams wears the white jersey will lose. Today, his theory was disproved. White won! Though, of course, as an enlightened Bachan I know we don't care if they win - it's about everyone having fun - but I do like a good soccer win (as a Baby Boomer LOL). 

Benny

He plays hard and he did kick that ball. 

Yes, sweets, Bachan saw! 

Meanwhile, back in the stands Bachan is thinking the game ended JUST in the KNICK of TIME. 

Charles, Danny, Bachan

Lyra and Arielle

I am going to go on a rant, because some of y'all need to HEAR ME, bless your hearts. Cory was prepping for his first Easter as a lead Pastor (and it was an amazing service btw). Arielle took the kids out to eat and then to watch The KING OF KINGS. A JESUS movie...where one would expect others to show the LOVE of Jesus. Remember, grace? 

They went to sit in a row that was empty. A middle-aged woman - one who should know better - threw her coat over the kids/the row and said, "I have reserved this row." No.she.did.not. No one came to sit in the row.  The kids were not being bad. They were simply trying to find a seat at a KIDS JESUS movie. 

Arielle moved to another section with enough seats, on an aisle so she could get out if need be. That means there were FOUR seats between the aisle and the millennial lady sitting in the row. As Arielle went to sit down the lady made it known she likes her "personal space" and asked them to move, actually touching one of the children to move him in the process. Oh, it's a good thing I wasn't there. I suspect the Bachan Bear may be more deadly than the Mama Bear...and this behavior is hitting on my kids and my grands.  

Arielle moved to a third row. Keep in mind she is a lone mom carrying a baby, with 3 boys following her. They move to sit down. As one walks to his seat, he bumps into the seat in front of them. They sit down. THAT woman turns around and tells him to "quit kicking my seat." and continued to sigh and turn around to glare at little boys. They were still getting into their seats. Arielle POLITELY said, "We are still settling. This is a Jesus movie." 

NOW...y'all. What is WRONG with us? Can we not REMEMBER being a young mom? Can we not show the GRACE, MERCY, LOVE, INCLUSION Jesus showed while at a KIDS JESUS MOVIE to kids and a young mom????? What if Arielle wasn't secure in her faith and was trying to have a fun outing with her kids? You think these behaviors would make her likely to venture to a church with her kids if supposed Jesus lovers at a KID'S MOVIE can't accept her and her children? I can't even. 

Women, we can do better than this for each other! We can. I LOOK for the mom in the store with a strong-willed child and tell her she's doing a good job. I go out of my way to find young parents and compliment them and thank them for investing in the next generation.  I track down and encourage the young father on the flight from Hawaii who had a sad toddler. He told me this flight had the nicest people on it, a man had encouraged him too (he'd met Michael). So, WHAT if they bump me, or crowd me in a theater! I can't even imagine. Like I said, it's a good thing I wasn't along. 

It feels like many need to be reminded the OLDER WOMEN are to be encouraging, teaching and loving the younger women. All of us would do well to remember Jesus welcomed children.... And this was a movie for CHILDREN - can we not extend a little grace. 

All this being said in WALMART - not in a Jesus movie - one reached out and slapped a woman walking by. They are working on impulse control. Arielle immediately apologized, stopped the cart, told him we don't touch others or invade their space. The lady complimented Arielle on dealing with the behavior immediately and encouraged her in her parenting. Same young mom; same four children.

Ladies, come on. We can do better. Speak blessing, encouragement, grace. If your grace isn't big enough to handle children in a theater who aren't even acting out, it's not big enough for... well you finish the sentence. Honestly, I just wanted to say to the ladies, "Do you even KNOW Jesus?"

Be like the lady in Walmart and not the three at the Jesus Movie.  Shaking.my.head. 

Deep Thoughts from a Shallow Mind

 Two Three thoughts, or streams of thought, are chasing around my head this morning and so I will get them down and possibly revisit them at another time. 

1. HOW can anyone possibly think we have the "idyllic family life?" I have been open and honest about our family, in person and online. We have ups and downs. We have successes and failures. We have vast differences about all manner of political, spiritual, and cultural issues, and yet we respect and love each other. We find ourselves in a time when we long for community and have little energy to seek it. For God's sake, our son was murdered, and we are all picking up pieces as we live with the consequences of another's choices...and still some comment on how "perfect" life is for us. Life isn't perfect! Life is hard. I suspect it's supposed to be hard. God carries us. He's near. Life still hurts.  As an aside anyone who has spent time with us would assure you, we are NOT remotely a 1950's family, and no, we are not patriarchal...though we do love and respect Michael...as he does for each of us. 

via google photos

2. It is quite possible to be incredibly grateful, to look for grace, to see God at work and to STILL grieve. Do not assume tears or prolonged grief means a person is not grateful. Do not assume expressing thankfulness and grace means a person is not grieving. Do not assume joy and grief cannot co-exist. They can. It's odd, but they do. 

3. Another thought I am processing this morning is that my habits can move me toward God or away from Him. I'm examining habits. 

That's all - more deep thoughts from a shallow mind. 

Grief is Tumultuous

Here are some thoughts which have been bouncing around in my head, heart and soul. 

Several months ago, I was struggling with the fact I simply wasn't able to jump back into activities I previously loved and handled with ease. I find myself distracted, impatient with chit chat, and with folks who were SOOO upset over things I consider inconsequential.  My "lack of normalcy" and failure to progress as others seemed to think I should on the grief journey frustrated me. I was doing well - until I wasn't. I was strong - until I was weak. My faith could move mountains, until I was immobilized by fear and longing.  

My honest replies make others uncomfortable when they ASK, "How are you doing?"  I've lost some filter for social interactions others possess. My emotions are intense, my relationships have a deeper sense of intention to them, I'm acutely aware of how fleeting time can be. 

 Around this time Lee, a friend from food co-op, shared she had a friend who lost a child to violence. She said the process of grief and the trial was tumultuous! 

Tumultuous! 

"Loud, excited, confused, disorderly." 

Yes. That's it. Grief is tumultuous! Grief takes many forms; at times quiet and solitary, at times demanding and grating. It's disorderly. It's confusing. It's NOT linear. Having a WORD helps things fall into place. There is a word for what I feel - the word is tumultuous! 

This fall has been harder than I expected. Several family members have mentioned fall being difficult. We have so many fun memories in the summer and fall and Josiah is right in the middle of them. This year he is conspicuously absent. We feel the "anniversary" drawing near...there is a sense one is allowed to mourn for the year of firsts and then, like magic, all will be well and "normal." 

But it's not. 

When we lived in Japan, we saw our adult children once a year. This isn't so very different...and yet as one year draws near there are no anticipated visits. It is totally different. The permanence of Josiah's death begins to take root down deep in my heart and soul. 

In so much of life and faith we live with the tension of the now and not yet. We experience the same tension in our grief. The permanence of loss and the hope brought by our faith in Jesus. This world is not the end. All justice does not have to come from the world's system. We will see Josiah again. We will. And yet now...it hurts. Now I forgive AND I wrestle with the need to pray for the one who robbed us of Josiah. Some days I dream of redemption and some days I dream of justice.

Sometimes it's a dull ache and sometimes it's a tearing, ripping pain.  Sometimes it's a sense of loneliness in the midst of a family gathering and sometimes it's a sweet memory. 

It's disorganized, unexpected, ever-changing. 

I have wrestled with Christian cliches, with secondary losses, with issues of faith I thought were settled years ago...one thing I have known through it all...God remains with me. Always. In the pit of despair and on days when I feel like I'm handling it well.  When we are too much for others...we are never too much for God. God doesn't care what we are DOING, he cares about who we are becoming. 

I'm finding community with those who are willing to take off masks and admit there is pain, there are questions, there are things we cannot fix.  We are not meant, after all, to fix ourselves. So much of the time when we "get it wrong" it's because we are uncomfortable admitting the tension we are surrounded by - we want a quick faith that will fix all. 

God offers something better - His presence, His faithful love - a love that invites honest emotions and questions. 

So - "How am I today?" 

I am moving forward on the tumultuous journey of grief. I'm learning to live with the tension of incredible loss and fantastic hope and to be honest with both the loss and the hope, the joy and the sorrow... I have taken great strides in being comfortable with making space for all the emotions, all the grief, all the memories, the tension and with being totally MISUNDERSTOOD by those who have never had to walk this journey. 

While some fear I've lost a measure of faith, the reality is my faith is deeper, my relationship with God much more authentic. I have never felt His censor of my grief.  He is with me in the lament. I have discovered that's enough. 

And, who knows, with time I may become comfortable with chit chat once again...right now I can handle about 5 minutes. 

Dip Netting 2024 - Day 5

It's a quiet day here at Diamond M. We are down to "us 4" and CoRielle's family. There was no need to catch an early tide. Michael stored most of our gear last night. We set out to explore Kenai. 

I LOVE how Arielle and the boys explore public libraries in every town we visit. I thought the Seward library was great - but the Kenai Public Library? Fantastic. I was surprised to discover Kenai's population is only 1,000 more than ours. We always see it full of tourists and Alaskans  - fishing. 

Cory and Charles, Benny & Danny 

Papa likes a good library!

Silent Book Club - it's a thing and I'm going to start one! 

Never too young to visit a library! 

We miss having a public library with fun nooks and reading areas...and books...lots of books to browse through. Our current library lost its roof. Our librarians are wonderful. We have a couple of rooms of books on display...but one's best bet is to order your books ahead of time from the online catalogue, librarians go across our town to the storage area and collect the books, which can then be picked up. I appreciate the system. It works. I miss a REAL library. We DID check out books. 

Our next stop was to Old Town Kenai. The hit of our wandering was the time spent with an Orthodox priest in this church...built in 1894 it is one of the oldest standing orthodox churches in Alaska. A congregation of about 45 still meet weekly here at the Holy Assumption of the Virgin Mary Russian Orthodox Church. 

All candles!

I was sad this coffee shop was closed - maybe next time. 

CoRielle went back to their cabin for lunch and quiet time. The four of us checked out a few campgrounds. While we found a sweet spot we'd like to visit in the future - it's not great for our crowd or for cleaning fish. We found another that has great potential. We'll have to keep our eye on it and see if they end up adding a bathhouse. We do like our current spot, but we also feel we are nickel and dimed here and we do NOT like having to book FIVE NIGHTS....BUT for young moms who may have to stay at the campground with little ones this place is hands down the best we've found. Maybe worth the nickel and diming for families with young ones. Even for those without young - neither of the other options have nice bathhouses and showers after fishing all day are dirty. I'd rather have folks running to the bathhouse than the RV shower. LOL Eventually, the 4 of us also headed back to the RV for lunch. 

Who wouldn't want a campsite with this view? 

Around 2 everyone met back at the RV. Arielle wasn't feeling well, and we were all content to hang around Diamond M. Arielle and Stacia rested in the RV (Ellie stayed with them)...the rest of us braved the winds to visit the playgrounds. 

Benny & Allie

Cory and Benny

RV crew

We ended our trip by taking the S family (minus the girls) to dinner. We've brought our expectations down considerably. The first year we scouted out a seafood restaurant which disappointed us. This year we simply went to Arby's -which is a dip netting tradition. Arby's must be visited at some point, and we hadn't done so yet. 

Michael and Cory loaded the nets into the truck. It was too windy and rough for Benny to go back out to try again at catching a salmon. We'll save that for another trip. We'll all head back to the valley tomorrow. 

We have spent some time remembering past trips in previous years.  I remember our chase for salmon in 2017...Josiah stayed with us in a parking lot in Soldotna one night and we met dip netters. He commented we needed to try fishing that way at least once as it seemed to be a culture. We did try it in 2018. Walking the road from the bathhouse to our site always reminds me of walking behind Josiah and a young Benny (maybe 18 months) in matching blue checked sweatshirts. This place...Diamond M and Kenai North Beach are connection points with Josiah...and have provided such good family memories. I'm happy Josiah had a vision of this being more than a work trip - but a mini family reunion. I'm glad he sold us on the vision. ::snort:: Five nights in one spot is a long time when we'd like to be "going" and "doing"... however, five nights allows for us to set up camp and for the older kids and their families to drop in and out as they can over the weekend. This will most likely be Krista and Luke's last trip with us for some years. That makes me sad - and yes brings tears because tears are my superpower this year. This was Krista's 5th year with us. It was here Luke drove down for a couple of hours in 2020 to spend some time with Krista and we began to think just maybe he saw her as more than a pastoral contact.  It was also here when Carrie and Liv joined us, and it was apparent a new family was forming. We brought dad one or two years before getting in and out of the RV was simply too difficult and the logistics of caring for his needs in the RV was daunting.  Most years we've had others with us...chaplains, airmen and their family, my brother, "family" from past assignments... Fish Camp has a special place in our hearts.  Dip Netting fills our freezer and pantry shelves with salmon - but more than that it's filled our hearts with amazing memories and provided opportunity for family connection. It's a good thing. We are blessed. 

GRACE NOTES
A place to come and remember and celebrate family. 

Fantastic memories of past years and new memories made.

A safe place for grief's emotions to rest. 

A GOOD Shepherd who is always with us and always comforts and restores. 

Garden Thoughts

 Gardening is hard work!  I dream of a gazebo for tea parties and craft projects with grands in the garden, and I'd love CORN and melons and tall arches covered with green.  I don't have all of that this year, but living PRESENT with what I have - a chair in the garden - has been a game changer.

Not only does it bring a measure of joy to the work, but it also allows me to really grasp the progress and to celebrate little changes. 

Our ONE zucchini plant

In year's past I'd spend hours each day and see little progress. Having a garden felt unattainable. Admitting I would only use 1/2 the space, and putting down wood chips in that space has made a huge difference.  I also applied a trick I learned homeschooling and managing a home. Setting a routine, or a schedule, brings me peace.  I have 10 raised beds and 4 rows of potatoes. If I weed 2 beds and a row of potatoes a day everything will get done once a week. I can be at peace with stupid grass invading a bed as I know within a week it will be dealt with. 

That sitting in the garden thing - now that the weeds are controlled - I often am able to weed the whole garden in about an hour....so it's all getting touched more than once a week. 

In the process, I've learned something about myself. I like planting and tending, I'm not a great harvester. I like planning beds and envisioning what could be (thus the gazebo dream). I love finding a bed like this....

And seeing THIS after a bit of work. 

In the past, I've let everything grow all season in part to get the absolute most harvest and also because I'm not sure how or when to harvest a lot of things. In the end I really don't care too much about picking and preserving.   I have grown asparagus for 5 years and never harvested it - always letting it go to seed. The process fascinates me. 

THIS year I am making an intentional effort to HARVEST. I've cut the asparagus 4x now. I've harvested leaf lettuce, spinach leaves and kale...and the amazing thing is - it grows back. 

I'm learning it's wisest to plant what we want to eat - not just what grows well. I will never have 12 zucchini plants again! The tomatoes may produce this year....there are flowers. 

I'm trying news things...like STEVIA. It says to dry and powder the leaves and it will be 300x sweeter than sugar. I have 3 plants. I keep eating the leaves....and they ARE sweet without the aftertaste of store purchased stevia. 

Through it all I've realized it's ok to have a favorite part of gardening. Mine is the planning and tending. Of course, it will be best for the garden, and more productive if I also do the parts I don't love...BUT others love harvesting and hate the planning and tending. It seems the apostle Paul talked about this....each of us with our own task in the mission. 

LIGHTBULB moment... this planting and tending seems to transfer over to my spiritual giftings as well. This may be why I've been used in ministry to BEGIN things, to set systems in place...start Bible studies and life groups, start women's ministries, start mom groups, recruit and train teams, establish and participate in mentor groups, stand up a new region of women's ministries for PWOC (military women's ministry)...and I've been thrilled and happy to do each thing. I have NEVER burned out when teaching studies or mentoring groups of women. 

 I've had others ask me HOW I stay motivated when I haven't been able to remain and see the fruit of the labor.  THIS has to be part of it. I truly take joy in casting vision, living life with women and seeing the growth, starting new things.... I've seen harvest.  I do enjoy watching growth and spiritual maturity develop, strongholds broken. Yet, in every area of ministry we've moved on while things were still thriving. We're familiar with a "short growing season" in our ministry.  I've not seen the completion...and that's o.k. I've been faithful with the time I had in each location, and I have LOVED my part in people's stories...and I know things carry on just fine when I'm called to leave. 

I was discussing this with Michael, and he thought it funny I'd not made the connection before. He pointed out this is probably why when others have invited me back to see what is ongoing from my time of ministry in a place, I find myself thinking, "You are STILL doing the same thing 20 years later?"  where others are taking so much pleasure in the fact that what they planted is still doing the same thing. 

And so...I will joy in the planning, planting and tending AND I will be intentional to harvest as well. Even now when it's mostly greens. 

There you have it - deep thoughts from a shallow mind; or deep thoughts from the garden! ::snort:: 

Garden Therapy

 Another Monday.

It's not a mile marker Monday, but Mondays are mini-memorial days in my heart, mind and soul. 

The last few days have had big emotions.

I found myself wanting to sit in the garden all day, but I had a mammogram scheduled...because THAT always cheers me up. I MUST remember to schedule a down day after big days that may lead to big emotions - like birthdays and holidays or court days. I have watched others do this and just keep failing to think ahead and connect the dots. 

I DID spend a couple of hours in the garden. Weeding...always weeding. 

Since I was in Wasilla at the imaging center I decided to go to Lowes for more GARDEN SOIL and a cattle panel (which I'd heard would work well for a trellis). They wanted $475 for this giant cattle gate. I looked around and found a substitute. I found one that may work well and the cost was $54. I decided to get 10 2 CF bags of dirt. They said someone was coming to help me...but I had loaded and moved it all before anyone showed up. 

Cory has become my gardening buddy. I alerted him to the cattle panel issue, and told him I had dirt!!!! and I was going to fill the hoop house, set up trellis' and transplant cucumbers. Cory surprised me by offering to come over bright and early and help me. At 0700 this morning Cory and I were out in the garden. Everyone else was asleep. I was armed with the GG monitor and a cuppa chai. 

Cory discovered the trellis' were already assembled. That simplified the project! ::snort:: We added dirt to the bed and set up the trellis'. We had talked about plans I had for the day. I transplanted things....

and Cory moved a pile of weeds and dirt, filled up the baptistry with dirt, AND leveled a spot for the bed I'd like to build.  We're pushing back the woods one garden bed at a time. This is the kind of garden buddy everyone should have. 😀 BTW, we have begun talking about the need to geta wimpy sized weed eater that I can handle so that I can keep things a bit more cultured. OR possibly hiring a boy or two to weed eat an hour a week. LOL 

I keep weeding this bed and the weeds grow back before I get it planted. I weeded it again - AND added dirt. The problem I'm seeing with the lasagna bed method is that I have a lot of grass in the beds. I don't quite know why...could be we didn't get hot enough here to actually kill the grass under the bed to start with? In any event, now that we have wood chips everywhere I have time to keep up if I work on the weeds every day. 

We worked a couple of hours and then Cory went to catch up with Arielle and the gang. I got a call at 0900 from the lawyer wanting to see Michael and I at 1100. We went to see the lawyer and then had a quick lunch together. 

I got home, fixed GG's lunch and GG decided to take a nap. Michael was off to the dentist. I called and scheduled a trip to a local cemetery and was then driven back to the garden. It was TIME get my little starts out of the greenhouse and into dirt. The grass-filled bed above is now planted! It's the nearest bed. 

Cory started a bunch of sunflowers from seeds. I got quite a few of the smaller ones planted in the baptistry.  We are at the time of the season where I'm desperately looking for spots of dirt where I can stick starts. I always plant far more seeds than I need and sometimes I end up with an over-abundance of starts....and sometimes one plants a whole packets of bush beans and gets 4 plants? WHAT is up with THAT? I may see if I can find some bean starts locally. Have greenhouse must plant. 

The doctor's office called me with my mammogram results while I was in the garden. Admittedly I wasn't paying 100% attention. I was a bit alarmed at such quick response, but they told me everything was normal. However, they want me to have an MRI in 6 months, as well as an annual mammogram. This evening when the family finally convened at home, I realized I should have asked more questions. I don't know if this is a typical thing when one turns...ahem...60, or if it has to do with family history. They said I had a high titer and I've not a clue what that means. In the end we decided "Jenni will know," and life went on. LOL  One thing led to another, and I regaled all with a step by step descriptions of mammograms. It was good to laugh together. 

Meanwhile Michael spent far more time than expected with a local dentist and pharmacy. The VA had rescheduled his dental cleaning twice. He finally called and requested a community referral. He's had tooth pain. This dentist told him he needs the tooth extracted. They immediately gave him antibiotics and tentatively scheduled an extraction...and have said they will move the date forward as soon as they get VA approval. This will be the second tooth he's lost since entering VA dental care. I'm NOT saying it's the VA's fault, I am saying the VA appears to have a case load far greater than their providers.  I think he's going to see about simply staying in the community for his dental care. 

Allie had counseling and an appointment to fill out paperwork for a new job. Stacia had PT. We planned to meet up with them for dinner and a movie with Nolan, Allie and Stacia (and Alex?). The dentist had other plans. The girls had a good time out. They watched Inside out 2 - and said it is far more emotionally intense than they were expecting - not a feel-good kid's movie. I was almost glad we missed the movie. I don't think GG would have enjoyed it and I'm not sure I am in the mood for an emotionally intense movie. Life is plenty intense. 

I wanted to spend a day in the garden Monday, and it didn't work out. I was able to spend 1 1/2 yesterday and 3 1/2 hours today in the garden. Um, I think I have enough greens to feed a commune! So many of the things I want to grow, "don't grow well in Alaska," but I certainly didn't need four kinds of lettuce AND Kale. At least I only planted ONE zuchinni plant and ONE type of kale this year. 

Michael built a fire tonight, so we sat by the garden...ah! I've gotten over the subliminal thought that one needs dark to have a campfire. Campfires in the sunlight have benefits. You can see where your marshmallow (or max mallow) falls! It was delightful for the two of us to spend time together around the fire. 

Garden therapy is a thing. It's somehow easier to work out thoughts when one is busy in a garden. It brings peace to wrest order out of one chaotic part of life. It uses up physical energy which helps with the emotions and thoughts one is working out. It allows me to pull hard at things I can affect, rather than continually wrestling and pulling at thoughts and things I can't necessarily "fix" like: 

• Community and crisis - so much here. 
• Investing in relationships that will bear up when the going gets tough.
• Balancing God's nature with this pain - going beyond cliches. 
• Why do we Christians focus so quickly on "seen sin" in others, while ignoring our internal battles/sins?
• Why do we try to play Jesus and Holy Spirit in the lives of others rather than fulfilling our job to love as Jesus loves?
• Why does love seem to extend only to those inside a "church" and not those on the outside?
• Have we forgotten we ARE the church not called to GO to church? Have we forgotten the church is simply those who believe in and follow Jesus rather than an hour on Sunday or a building with a title?
  
• Has "church" become a club for those who think just like me, look just like me and vote just like me...have you really looked at who surrounded Jesus - his disciples? 
• What does it mean to show up for family?
• Who would God have me show up for outside of family?
• Should I start a mentor group in my home?
• Should I invite others to study with me?
• Should I join the neighborhood book club?
•  What do people MEAN when they tell you to "move on" from the death of a child (or loved one)?
•  What are they thinking when they say to "quit looking back" as if a healthy parent could ever forget a loved child?
•  Why do people who aren't sitting with us, or walking with us, think they get to comment on how well we are doing - how would they know how we are doing?
• Why aren't those I expected to be here - here?
• What a gift it is that others have unexpectedly stepped close! God provides. God is walking this out with us. It's good. 
• Why have "shallow" military and childhood TCK  friends stepped up just when friends I thought were close stepped away?
• Living in one place for long periods of time doesn't necessarily mean friendships are deeper.
• How do you pronounce HaBAAAAAkukkkkkk....????? 
• About those friendships - GRACE. I get it. We get busy with our schedules, and we are uncomfortable, we just don't know what to say or don't have the time to just sit with someone...
•  Some are too focused on doing to have time to live out love....I've been there. God forgive. 
• Why do some act like the local church is a gang and we can only love those wearing OUR colors?
• What role does this broken world, the unseen powers, play in bad things happening - do people really believe God CAUSES EVERYTHING that happens in their life? 
• God BRINGS good from every situation, and uses every hard for my good, but that does not mean evil IS good. 
• Giving thanks IN all things is not the same as giving thanks FOR all things. 
• God doesn't like murder. God doesn't like evil. 
• Emotions are not the enemy. Emotions aren't meant to rule my life, but God created emotions and they serve a purpose. 
• Being authentic does not mean I don't trust God or that God isn't good. He is good. All the time. Even here. 
  
• Immanuel - God is with me. Always with me. Still with me. With me now. 
• Jesus loves me. 

I've heard people say the garden is their "happy place."  The garden is not my happy place per se... it's a sacred spot. It's a place where I'm sludging through what life has thrown at us one step at a time...it DOES allow me to be out in the Alaska summer even though I can't load up GG for the hikes and camping trips I'd like to be enjoying.  I can cry in the garden, and no one tells me to "choose joy," or gets uncomfortable. I can scream in the garden and the birds and moose aren't overly alarmed. I can feel anger in the garden, and no one runs away. I can wrestle with God in the garden. I can rest with God in the garden. I can carry grief and joy in the garden.  

Today, I got to share some of these garden thoughts with Cory and later Michael. Life is good...it's hard good.