Josiah's Car Came Home

 It seems the "hard" of this situation keep coming. Today, Josiah's car came to our home.  The police still have his keys. We can't find a spare set. It seemed good to get it moved, and Carrie and Livie don't need it in their garage. I knew it was being towed here. And still...

My first thought as I caught the red flash coming down the driveway was, "Josiah's here!" 

He often dropped by unannounced and Jamin had dropped by this morning without me knowing he was coming. 

 As I began to move towards the door to welcome Josiah, it all hit me again! The brain does play tricks. 

I cried big and ugly. 

I went out and watched until I had to quit watching. The tow truck driver was very empathetic, and he knew his job, as well. It turns out he knew Josiah. Josiah often called him to tow cars from Alpine and Legacy before that. He told us how sorry he was and said Josiah was one of the "good guys." 

He told us he understood what we are feeling. He said the therapists will tell you they understand but they don't. Then he shared a personal story with so much tragedy and horror we had to admit we don't know what HE FEELS.  Yes, he certainly understands our feelings. 

It's nestled into a little spot. It will cause trouble for Shawn, our plow man. Michael said we'll move it when we get the keys from the police. The tow operator pointed out the messages on the back of his window.  He told us the tenants called Josiah Big Daddy J and had left a note or two on the car. 

I couldn't help myself. I looked inside. I would have sat inside if I could. Liv's toy...empty lunch containers... marks of a life cut suddenly short.  It's all so senseless and hard. We miss him so much. 

So, yeah, an emotional day - but it feels good to have the car secured and to be able to do this to help out is a blessing. It's another hard good. 

I got most the fall stuff down. Michael began popping Christmas boxes inside...for the most part I've just looked at them...I did hang two wreaths.  I mean that and a tree and we can call it good, right? 

After this emotional day, this fall decor will stay until we're good and ready to move on. ::snort:: Fall is way too short in Alaska anyway! 

Bringing his car home from Alpine where Josiah worked is one of the hard milestones we knew we'd pass along this journey. There remains many more emotional and legal hards to navigate. 

GRACE NOTES:

1. Josiah's car is secure at our place.

2. We got some minutes to spend with Jamin.

3. Michael had a good lunch with two friends - Ed and John.

Thoughts I'm Thinking on this Journey of Grief

Just a quick warning. This post may seem a bit "prickly." I am not apologizing for it - just giving any and all fair warning.

I've had a few interactions lately where I declined an activity and knew I was disappointing people. The activity doesn't really matter for the purpose of our discussion; they've been wide-ranging. 

I made the comment in a family chat, "I think grief is making me selfish," and it seemed to me I needed to guard against selfishness.  I've lived a life of service and other-focus, and it seemed I was sliding into an over-abundance of self-focus. 

via google photos

The kids did not agree (Michael doesn't participate in the chat because - flip phone). They shared what various counselors have told them - it is not selfish, especially this early, to refrain from situations which bring needless pain.  There was also talk of boundaries. When Michael heard about the thread he found me, looked me in the eye and said, "Self-care is not selfish." 

WHAT? You are quoting me back to me? snort:: There was a season in my life when Michael was at war, I was homeschooling and traveling internationally for women's ministry when a very wise woman kept saying those words to me. I write about it and share part of her email here.  Since that season of ministry self-care is something I've worked on. It cracked me up when one of my gals posted online the same day, "self-care is not selfish" in response to a comment I made. 

I'd always thought of self-care as something like a pedicure, a walk in the park or a trip to the library in the midst of a busy life.  I hadn't even thought of THIS situation in those terms. I begin to see, in this time of profound pain, it is going to be necessary to practice profound self-care.  A pedicure, though I need to schedule one, is not going to be all the self-care I need. snort:: AND if I don't spend some time focusing on SELF-CARE, it may be impossible or at least more difficult to find healing. 

Next, I realized I've been sure to be there for others while encouraging counselling and self-care, but I need to tend to ME now. Everyone is on course... 

I evaluated what is working and what isn't...

I've realized people fall into at least two groups; one group leads to healing, the other group does not. This isn't the time to delve into that topic. Maybe it's another post...everyone believes they are expressing love. 

Big groups like Sunday morning at ACF are working. Those who knew Josiah and the church's leadership know who we are, but we can also be mostly incognito. The added bonus is worshipping with many of our family. We understand the expectations, and there aren't a ton of surprises to trigger emotional breakdowns.  Well, except when Mason swung into "Gratitude," I think all, but GG, lost it...but it was o.k. We were in church; people do cry during worship, and the lights are rather low.

Recently we have felt like going out, and we have begun reaching out to those who have been offering their presence and waiting until we were ready to socialize....and this is good.  There has been so much loss. We really don't want to lose dear friends because we no longer attend the same church. There were tears at each outing but not overwhelming and no prolonged sessions of grieving sobs afterwards.  Honestly, with more margin in our lives, we have TIME for more community. 

Bigger social outings aren't working well at this point - be that family gatherings or social events. Eventually, the small talk and noise overwhelm me; my mind begins to wander, and I end up sobbing. Is that bad? Not necessarily. In a family gathering, I wasn't the only one with the problem. We simply cry when needed, laugh as needed and move on. I have heard from others who experienced something similar, and they say that eventually social outings go back to normal. 

Here are my conclusions:

Self-care in this season IS 

• pulling away from ministry responsibilities
• attending church with our children
• signing up for counseling
• maintaining relationships and friendships which support healing
• avoiding social outings which cause distress
• spending time in His presence finding daily grace
• YES...reading a book, getting a pedicure or watching Hallmark movies can fit in here too. 

Boundaries: This one is always the hardest to figure out. I suspect a counselor will be able to help with this one; this is what I have come up with so far. 

• Pursue relationships which bring comfort and healing.  Some relationships may be lost or have to be paused if they consistently lead to false guilt. Shoot - this could vary week by week or even day by day... 
• Pursue activities which promote spiritual growth and healing. 
• Take care to not step back into what could be considered a "ministry responsibility" unless Michael and I BOTH agree it supports both spiritual growth and healing in THIS season. 
• Do not succumb to pressure to do something to meet someone else's need to my detriment - in this season the focus is the very real needs I have because self-care is not selfish. 

Please note I am not a self-centered person. Doing self-care is a very deliberate act, and I fully understand there will be a time I will need to "get back to ministry," or "get back to life"...but I will determine when that time is in cooperation with a counselor, my family and spiritual guidance. I am a recovering people-pleaser; I will not be pressured to step back into ministry or these other social settings before it is best for me and my family. My goal is deep healing...not a surface band-aide. We will know when it's time to move forward - that is up to us, not observers. 

These have been my thoughts of the past few days...this and the fact that folks glibly say things like...."God restored all to Naomi in the end" or "Job's family and finances were all replaced in the end" or "God always has a plan." Yes, he does, but it's not helpful to ignore the painful realities in Scripture and in people's lives.  Naomi carried the loss of her husband and sons throughout her life. Job carried the grief of losing his children the rest of his life. YES, God restores...but y'all, don't be glib. It's actually much MORE meaningful if you catch that these are humans whom God blessed while they lived with their grief.  

I've also been exploring the difference between mourning and grief, but that will be a whole other post. 

Oh - and a gentle revelation which was a light bulb moment for me...."It is well with my soul," is NOT Scripture, y'all. It's a SONG. It was not always well with Jesus' soul...He wept, read about Lazarus' death, the Garden of Gethsemane, or his reaction after his cousin John was executed. Read a Psalm or two - it wasn't ALWAYS well with David's soul. It's OK for things to not be well with my soul. It doesn't mean I am sinning or weak or in danger of "backsliding."  It means I will GO THROUGH the valley of the shadow of death aware of HIS PRESENCE, and at some point, it may AGAIN be well with my soul. We are most helpful to others when we let ourselves be honest with both the Scripture and our lives.