Grief Update - Trial Prayer Requests

Alrighty,now. It's been a month since I blogged and there is much to blog. Before I put my hand to "catching up" I thought I'd write THIS post...to share a bit of our heart and the areas where we could use prayer/support. 

I have been asked, "Was this Christmas easier than last Christmas?" 

No. 

I can think of a few reasons. As I've written before, we were numb last Christmas. The truth of "never" is setting in. We will never celebrate another birthday, Christmas, family gathering with Josiah this side of heaven. 

And then there is this, when we gather, Josiah is always missed. His absence is glaring, his presence is felt which brings comfort and an aching longing at the same time. That doesn't go away. 

Due to being house bound, first with a knee injury and then with a virus, I have spent a lot of time reading this month. This has been good for me.  People have recommended authors who "get it."

I have found my grief being questioned. I have concluded several things....first, a sudden, violent death leads to a complicated grieving process (so says my counselor).  My counselor also encourages me that it is healthy to admit emotions, it's OK to cry - EVEN NOW, it is perfect to hold the joy and the sorrow together and the intensity of each is enhanced by that holding. My intimacy with Jesus increases as I admit where I am. Lament is holy. 

I have this silly sticker of "Joy and Sorrow" on my laptop! Way before the movie, God impressed the concept of both existing together on our hearts. Since I need a photo for this wordy post....

If Josiah was worth loving, he is worth grieving. I will not rush this process or force it to conform to an arbitrary timetable or chart. This journey will be what it will be. 

Maybe a better question would be, "How was this Christmas?" 

It was gut-wrenchingly hard and breathtakingly beautiful! I look forward to sharing some of the beautiful moments with you as I catch up. 

But FIRST - I have thought hard about what to share about the trial as we don't want a bunch of stuff "out there" which could be problematic. Please understand I am going to make some broad statements and if you feel a need to know details those are for in person discussions rather than internet perusal. 

Trial - we are not looking for the trial to bring healing or ultimate closure to our hearts. That role belongs to Jesus. It took a fair bit of wrestling for me to be able to write I am not looking for vengeance, but justice. I attempt daily to walk out the forgiveness I determined to extend to the murder defendant. Justice belongs to God and in our country, there ARE laws of conduct, and we DO look for the justice that our local system can provide.  

The trial was slated to be the first two weeks of December.  Then we were told to keep January clear and finally it was scheduled for the first two weeks of February. As we begin to hear more of the details of the trial the reality of having to watch and hear our son murdered sets in.    Here are some thoughts and ways you can pray for us as those dates approach. 

I find myself praying as Jesus did in Luke 22...."If there is any other way to get justice, please let us avoid this - but your will be done."  If there is some way God can be glorified in a trial - we're there. 

Prayer Requests:
1. If a plea deal which brings justice could be settled - even at this last date - that would be great! Pray for our souls to accept a trial may simply be the way God has willed for this to be walked out.

2. Our hearts. Pray for comfort, forgiveness, God's presence for all. 

3. Pray for our facial expressions and for our verbal expressions not to get us kicked out of court. 

4. Pray for God to be glorified. 

5. Pray for each of us as we decide which portions of the trial we will witness. 

6. Pray for a fair, strong, courageous jury. Pray none of them are traumatized by the evidence they must consider. Pray that God uses even this in the life of the jurors to draw them to Him. 

7. Pray for truth to be revealed and acted on by both jury and judge. 

8. Pray for the three who are traveling up here to help with GG, be with us at court, and help for those weeks.  Easy travels.

9. Pray for those arranging childcare to attend, and for all our children during that week (there are 14 of them)as the adults may be wonky. 

10. Prayers for HEALTH are appreciated. 

In addition...the time set for the trial falls on many "big" family dates. I don't even know how to pray here...but it pulls on my heart. 

7th - Josi's first birthday

8th - Nolan's Birthday 

9th - would have been Josiah's birthday

10th - Livie's birthday 

11th - Alex's birthday 

14th - BreZaak and Our anniversary 

20th - Jamin's birthday 

I was asked, "What do you think Josiah would want for an outcome in all of this? What would he like the price of his life to be?" 

Wow. Good question, isn't it? It's given me something to consider these past few days. 

I'm just starting to forge an answer. Josiah loved big and well. He was gentle and kind - but he wasn't a pushover. He was forgiving but he erected boundaries. 

Josiah would want God to be glorified.  He loved telling people "about his Jesus" and he'd want Jesus to be glorified.  He would want us to forgive, as that's best for all and commanded.

 As for the price of his life? He gave his LIFE protecting those he cared about. He would want his wife/daughters/family/community protected in the same way. The court system may help in that protection, ultimately our lives are in God's hands. I think he would want the defendant contained as long as he is a danger to others. I have no idea what sort of sentence that would be.

There now. Many of the swirling thoughts are out and I'll start showing the happy, beautiful side of the last month - or catching up as we bloggers like to call it. LOL 

Friday!!!

I thought my knee felt well enough to run errands. My first stop was counseling. I discovered driving results in pain. I never realized how much knee motion was required to drive. 

I ended up running one errand and leaving the rest. It was a good thing I went home.

Bre and the kids dropped by, can you see what they brought me? A GRINCH nutcracker! I have started picking one up if it signifies something of our year. The year Krista went active duty I found a female in BDUs, one year a gal skiing for Stacia's adventures, one with gingerbread...I love this one. BTW the grinch responded well to love, kindness, community...its not really a story mainly about stealing and hating Christmas.

 Arielle and Benny dropped by so Arielle could help Stacia style her hair. 

Benny went through some training with Millie. It was cute to watch.

In keeping with my enforced resting regime I read another book and Michael made breakfast for dinner.

Stacia Update

Stacia met with a friend and was invited to be one of her bridesmaids. She and Allie will be in two wedding in June...I think one week apart.  It's an exciting season at the Bible College. 

 Stacia is done with this semester! 

She took her last final and scored well. 

There is one class grade she is waiting on, but we are predicting she will continue her 4.0 college streak. Three semesters in a row...and that first year was a doozy of grief, therapy and blech! 

Stacia is on student government this year, enjoying an online friend who is now living in the dorm and taking in person classes, and doing well with grades. She continues to be frustrated about her employment situation...maybe this lesson of living by faith will be a good one for a future missionary. 

Visits of Cheer

These guys dropped by to visit. The boys ran in with a wrapped gift (see Sourdough cookbook above), a chai and some of Cory's coveted Roca. 

"Bachan! We knew you were sad," Danny excitedly shared. 

How can one stay sad with this crew around? 
 

They visited my snack crate, checked in with Papa...and then when Papa left for his appointment, we settled onto the couch to watch "The Star." That's about all the movement I wanted today. 

Mom loved DQ. I didn't feel like going out, but asked Michael to bring DQ home. I thought he'd know immediately WHY - because we don't do DQ. He decided to bring DQ home for the girls and I but opted for Burger King for he and Dad. ::snort:: Instead of Mom's beloved Blizzards we had a bite of ice cream later on. It was a fitting memorial.

I'm debating if I dare get out and try the walking and such to enjoy Colony Christmas. The weather is going to be so much warmer than typical...and I love getting out....but my knee still twinges and outright hurts with some movements. We will see how I'm doing in the a.m. I'm determined to rest and recover.  

GRACE NOTES:

1. Christmas visits from Grands two days in a row! 

2. Stacia is DONE with this semester!

3. Immanual. 

Missing Mom

It's been seven years since Mom lost her battle to cancer  triumphantly finished her well-run earthly race. I miss her.  I found myself lighting an Advent candle she loved, reaching for my journal and my Bible and sitting with memories this morning. 

 There are so many times in this past year when I simply felt a NEED to talk to Mom. She's never had child lost to homicide, or even lost a child, but one feels a mom would be helpful. I feel acutely the loss of an older godly woman in my daily life. I will have to find an older woman and cultivate a relationship with her. 

There are a few things I've typically done to honor her memory at this time of year. I take a meal to someone in need or a widow and I host a Dec 23rd tea for my girls.  I don't think I'll be doing either of these this year, or at least not on "schedule." I'm not quite up to shopping, preparing and delivering a meal today.  The Christmas Eve Eve tea hasn't worked the past couple of years, and I've not even tried for this year. ::snort::  Maybe we'll go to Dairy Queen tonight.  Dad doesn't seem to remember the significance of the day - I don't think I'll remind him.

I still miss mom. 

Blessing of a Knee Injury

 LOOK who came to visit after swim lessons! Bre and the kids dropped by with chai tea for me and hot chocolate for Michael. It was a great visit. The kids were excited to share recent updates with me. Bre and I even managed a chat. They took a couple of library books to the library for me. 

As for this knee thing, the swelling is down, it still twinges if I am getting up or down...and so I spend as much time as possible with it elevated. The ice feels good, though I know it's hardly useful any longer. I am off the Ibuprofen. I can walk around fairly well - just a small limp - going up and down stairs is NOT good at all. We're using this as a trial run to see what we may need to fix or change as we age in place. ::snort:: We HAVE discovered there is not one chair in the living room that is high enough for ease of use if one is suffering knee pain. Mom had adjusted her recliner to sit on a wooden box. I've thought it funny to have it so high, but it's been fantastic this week. 

My knee injury has been a blessing! It's impossible to keep moving and rest and elevate a knee. I think I may have finally crafted a life which doesn't require escapism for self-care. ::snort:: I was able to easily cancel a few appointments and clear a week. I have nothing outside of the house (driving would still hurt with the up and down motion of braking, I think) until Friday's counseling appointment. I have enjoyed visits from those who have stopped by.  I LOVED having the house all to myself on Sunday. I've taken naps. I've finished several books I'd started:

• The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry by John Mark Comer
• A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser
• Experiencing Grief by H. Normal Wright
• Did I Say the Right Thing by Mitch Schultz
• Reread Several Terri Blackstock and a Vera Stanhope book
• and started Unoffendable by Brant Hansen

I've gotten almost all my Christmas shopping done - and we don't do our immediate family gift exchange until Jan 6th - epiphany. I'm also ready for the extended family gift exchange. It's been a blessing.

Stacia had her second final today. She is getting A's in every final and paper at this point. She's most worried about the one coming tomorrow...Alaska History. Names and dates are a challenge and history is NAMES and DATES. LOL 

Nolan came over tonight. We enjoyed Rice Bowls and watched The Grinch...we discovered the word "automatic" on dishwashing gel is an important one indeed. 

I do need to force myself to pay bills rather than luxuriate in my reclining. ::snort:: Find a few moments to REST in the midst of this busy season - it's great for the soul! 

GRACE NOTES

The whole post. 

GREEN December?

 Ah man - it's WARM up here. It's been in the mid 40's. I've not seen this before up here in DECEMBER, but I'm sure old-timers have! LOL  Last year we had 3 or 4 feet of snow on the ground by this time. This year? We had a respectable amount of snow but we've had over a week of temps in the high 30's and 40's....

We need a bit more snow in November to make the sledding run...and I'm glad we didn't because it would be melted by now anyway. Look at this. 

The chickens are enjoying the warmer weather. Several of them started molting late and the warm weather is nicer. No frostbite in sight. 

Michael has been able to finish the bottom steps on the new deck with the warm weather. I think he may put up a temp fence for Millie. The quick electric fence I envisioned morphed into a huge fence around the property and several extensions so that will happen in spring. LOL 

I am starting to fear we will have a muddy Christmas rather than a white one....c'mon snow.