Yes, we have been very busy...something outside of the home every day last week and this week.... but mostly, I think I've been silent because I'm processing. I tend to go quiet.
I miss Josiah - a lot.
Is it because Krista and Allie went back home or Jamin moved? Maybe.
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| Josi & Noah waiting for the party to start 📷by Larissa |
I think it's more. February is BIRTHDAY month in our family. We have birthdays on the 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th, 11th, 14th (anniversaries) and 20th. Josiah's birthday was Feb 9th....and both Josi and Liv have birthdays this month. We loved attending Josi and Noah's birthday party last week...and yet emotions struck us harder than we expected. I could SEE Josiah with his arm around Liv giving her advice and direction. Except he isn't here any longer. As Josi and Noah reacted to their cakes and parents hovered around...I could SEE how much fun Josiah would be having celebrating his daughter's 2nd birthday, but he never met his daughter. His laughter rang in my memory, but I missed hearing it THAT night. I remembered how excited he was to raise the girls with their cousins - specifically Josi with Noah and the baby girl Arielle was expecting...It is great joy to see all the cousins.
This is also the week a year ago where we watched jury selection, heard evidence presented, heard details of Josiah's last minutes, saw pictures of a crime scene, saw autopsy photos and then heard a jury return an amazing verdict of guilty on all counts.
The heart remembers even when the mind is busy with other pursuits.
Year's past, as we'd stepped back from all our activities, we were able to sit in the emotions. Now, we feel the emotions, and we are looking for space to express them, but we are more involved in the activities of life. This is what activity has been like for most of our family the last few years... I am thankful we are stronger this year and are able to "carry on" with the emotions just under the surface (leaking out our eyes occasionally) ...I am also aware of needing to find space for a bit more of grief to be expressed.
Monday Melia and I watched Josi while Carrie went to work. We visited with Livie after school. Michael came over to fix a stair railing for Carrie. He was using Josiah's tools to fix a railing in Josiah's house that Josiah would have taken care of if he'd been around...and it was hard, sad, and yet joyous to be able to support Carrie in a practical way. It's all mixed up in our hearts.
He went on to FORGED - a monthly men's meeting. He sat alone in the back and struggled with his emotions. He, like me, is also missing Josiah so very much. One of the young men, Tyler, turned around and talked to Michael. He had been Josiah and Carrie's neighbor but has since moved. We met him while fixing a joint fence and carrying things in and out of the house as Carrie organized things in those early days of loss. He recognized Michael. Later they were to break into groups to share and pray for one another. Michael shared he was having a hard time just missing Josiah that evening. Tyler said he'd been wanting to share this with Carrie and us. The first time he attended ACF was for Josiah's celebration of life. He and his wife, Carissa, began attending ACF. They got saved. They made some big changes, and he names Josiah's life and death as the cause of him stepping into church that first time. That's worth celebrating!!!! Josiah would be so very honored and excited to hear this...as are we.
Isn't that great that Michael "happened" to be sitting behind Tyler and "happened" to be having a hard day which prompted Tyler to share not just his memory of Josiah (which he's done in the past) but his salvation story?
God is good - even when life is very hard. He is so gracious, merciful and kind to gift us with a story of how Josiah's life impacted another and will have continued legacy when we are missing him so very much.
Having shared the above, I'll be able to share about all the events of this week and not have to write every time "we were sad while being happy", or just share the happy and feel like I'm not being "real and authentic" because you'll understand that evidently, the first couple weeks of February have the possibility of being grief awakening weeks...at least this year.
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