He's Still Gone

It's an annual civil memorial ceremony for victims of violence/homicide in Alaska sponsored by Victims for Justice. I've been asked if its meaningful or worthwhile to attend. The answer is nuanced.  The ceremony doesn't offer any of the comfort or hope I find from my faith in Jesus. It can feel pretty bleak and stark. It begins with a land acknowledgment, it moves on to a reading of victim's names, and there is a brief time for those who didn't get names submitted to stand and recite their loved one's names...most share a bit about their lost loved ones.  There are a few words about memories continuing and strength in community....but it's all pretty bleak.  Still, I go. 

I was thinking how I could offer comfort or hope without the mention of faith in this setting. The answer - it's simply presence. Showing up. It says to the community, my son mattered, I still remember him, we are still standing. It says to others in fresh pain that I know some of your pain. I and others are committed to justice and reform in the system. You will make it through this first year. 

 I was thinking these thoughts as Stacia, Melia and I drove into Anchorage for the Victims for Justice memorial ceremony. 

"He's still here." 

That simple thought was in my mind and heart as we drove up. Yes, Josiah is in heaven. But his name is still etched on that memorial, three years and he isn't going to drive up to our house, open the door and yell out, "Hey, y'all!" He's still gone. It's forever this side of eternity. My heart is just starting to understand forever. 

Someone asked me if I needed a booklet to locate my loved one.  My thoughts were elsewhere and I responded, "He hasn't moved."  To which Stacia responded so only I heard, "I think that's set in stone."  The hard and the good. The sad and the joy. The somber and the humor. There is no one way to respond in grief. 

The girls and I first met up with Jared. One looks around and notices violence impacts all. 

The first year we all came. We were a big group. It was fresh and raw and so very painful. We were still awaiting a trial and any sort of justice. Carrie attended with Liv (11) and Josi was only 5 months old.

The second year fewer came. Schedules conflicted for some it was painful, some in our family absolutely hate going into Anchorage since the murder. Some see no purpose or meaning in attending. We were fresh out of sentencing for Josiah's murderer. The therapy dog and his handler were familiar friends. The permanency of our loss was beginning to settle. 

This year the girls, Jared, Carrie and girls and Larissa and Noah attended. Yes, it's the same every year...and yet that, in itself, is meaningful. The years go on - without Josiah. It marks time. It matters for their names to be remembered and spoke. It is meaningful to be with a group suffering the same pain. We remember and that is meaningful.  We are not the only ones touched by violence, it continues. Collectively, we remember. 

A father shared it's been 14 years - and he still remembers. His grief allowed me to rest in the pace of my grief journey. 

This year the girls are 13 and 2 1/2. This annual picture illustrates the impact of violence. Two girls without their father's daily guidance and investment in their lives, a young widow instead of a young wife. He's still gone. They're still standing. God has been so near and faithful - but it hurts every day. 

I always feel for Jared in these places of private grief as he is recognized in many places we go. Some have positive to share, many are negative. Jared had had a constituent coffee this Saturday (as he does most Saturdays) and still had on his assemblyman gear. I said a quick prayer that anyone who disagreed with him would simply allow grace for this moment. He attends as a grieving brother, not a public official. I attend to be by his side. 

This year a mother got up and shared her son's name. Diego Joe - I knew his name. His is the name directly beneath Josiah's name.  He was murdered 8 months after Josiah. His family still is awaiting trial. 

I searched Wendy out after the ceremony. She knew who I was immediately - not sure how. We have communicated online and we continue to pray for justice for Diego and his family. We hugged and cried. I offered no wise words of hope or comfort, I hugged her. Two mothers grieving the murder of their sons. A 4 yo son and a 2 1/2 yo daughter without the daily presence of their fathers...families still here, still missing the one violently taken from our midst. She blessed my heart when she thanked Jared for fighting for the community on the assembly.   

Yes, I do find it meaningful and worthwhile to attend. Not only for myself, but for any comfort or connection I may be able to offer another on this grueling journey.   If you'd like to visit the Homicide Memorial it is located in Anchorage at the Hostetler Park, 335 L St. 

After the ceremony Larissa and Carrie took kids off to nap. Jared asked about catching lunch with the girls and me. We settled on a new to us place - Palmeira's - tropical fusion. This is a great spot to catch lunch. We loved it. It's around the corner from Hope Center where Jared volunteers weekly. I would like to find a place like Hope Center in the valley. I wonder how one would raise the money to start something similar. It's an amazing organization and is all privately funded. 

Via google photos

FUN lighting - via google photos

This food was yummy and the portions were huge! I highly recommend trying it if you're in town at lunch. 

Stacia's Cup of Clam Chowder

Melia's French Toast 

My gigantic salad

We drove back home. Arielle and the kids stopped by to play in the yard and collect eggs. We had a good inside visit while the kids romped around in the yard. 

Mike and I introduced Melia to the movie Mr. Magoo. She laughed appropriately. 

Stacia and Allie came home and we regrouped. 

Most of the photos of the ceremony were taken by Larissa. She is always great at catching events. 

Fantastic Friday

I was awakened to a phone call, "Mom there's an aggressive moose in my way, can you come pick me up?" 

"What?" I groggily replied. 

"I need you to pick me up." 

I got a few pertinent details like WHERE to pick her up and hopped in the truck to go pick up Stacia. She has walked right past black bears on her morning walks, but this moose was still agitated when I drove by it and caught up to Stacia. 

Since I was already up I caught a ride with Stacia into town. She dropped me at the mechanics and I got the van out of hawk. How fantastic to have a van with NO blinking lights anywhere - and it starts right up and keeps working. 

Jared was showing a house in our area and surprised us with a visit this morning! What a fun way to add a bit of zest to a Friday. 

Melila and I left at 11:15 to drive 40 minutes up the highway for a visit with this lil darling!  We haven't been able to visit since June 1st. She was sick for WEEKS, we traveled to ID, Mike had surgery, the tire blew out last week....and today we made it! 

 

She has changed so much since our last visit. She has developed stranger danger, an infectous laugh and was rolling all over the place. She is also sitting by herself. 

Check out her hand...

Lil Darling pulled Melia's hoop right out of her ear! 

We decided Melia needed a few more summer outfits. CoRielle were out grabbing their last trail in the challenge and so they didn't need us to watch the kids this afternoon.  It was the perfect time to spruce up Melia's wardrobe. 

We stopped by a body piercing "salon" and did not get the info we wanted.  I'm researching DIY kits online now. ::snort:: 

Stacia got home from work, and we finished watching Pride and Prejudice. Good movie. I'm not sure what we'll watch now!

BreZak hosts a Friday night movie night at her home each week. I've not made it as movies begin at 10:30 p.m. and I can't stay awake. Melia wanted to go, and both the older girls decided to stay in. I drove her over and then picked her up. I thought I'd grab a bit of sleep, but Stacia and I got busy discussing life. We've not had time to visit much lately. It was good. 

It's 1:12 a.m. and I'm going to officially declare Friday to be over. 

Our Talkeetna Adventure

 Melia and I chose to go off alone on an adventure today. Our original plan was to caravan with CoRielle but they had a medical situation with one of their kids. It looked overcast but we had ONE TRAIL to finish in the Matsu Trail Passport Challenge before the 19th and there is the threat that I will be called into jury service again tomorrow morning. Michael is not up to being in the car for long periods of time. Allie and Stacia both have jobs.  We went off to play. ::snort:: 

The Talkeetna Lakes Trails are an hour and forty minutes from our home. I had no clue the Borough was this big!  We saw several campgrounds we want to come back to with the RV. Melia had never been this far out and so it was an adventure we couldn't chance missing. 

It has been fun hiking these trails during the week. They are nearly deserted. This trail is an EASY walk that meanders around a few lakes. They have canoes and kayaks for rent. We saw a gentleman fishing so maybe there are fish in the lake? 

Fireweed - there's still lots of time before fall/winter

I thought these might be salmon berries. I used a plant id ap and they told me they were either highbush cranberries or red currants. That sounds edible. I popped one in my mouth just as I remembered salmon berries are an orangish/pinkish raspberry looking berry. These are sour. 

I hoped we'd find a scenic spot with a bench to enjoy our picnic lunch. 

We found a picnic table. Great spot. 

Since Melia had never been to Talkeetna we had to drive up. It seemed a bit sketch when the gps wanted to send us down this road to find downtown Talkeetna. We thought it was a safer bet to turn off the gps and follow the tourists. LOL  Parkins is at a premium but we found a muddly spot by the river. LOL 

We took a picture of ourselves in front of Denali!

You can tell Denali is back there because the signs said so! We will go back on a CLEAR day. LOL 

The historic district (streets really) are cool. Original buildings converted to various shops and cafes. 

She humored me! 

Classes will begin soon for our little homeschool and getting out on the trails has been a wonderful thing for us to do together. I'm glad Arielle dragged us out! LOL  Did I saw school was going to begin soon? 

UM...we came home and booked tickets for Melia to spend a week in NY/NJ with her Auntie.  Our homeschool will start Aug 17th this year. She realized she is going to miss the air show and a railroad trip we had planned...but one has to make choices. A NJ beach trips sounds good at the end of a rainy summer, and she'll be back in time for the fair. 

An At "Home" Day

I did not get to hit any trails today - and I missed nature. I knew today would be a home day.  Yesterday, I received three notices for Dad from the state. 1. He is approved for a medical waiver we need. 2. His case worker is changing.  3. The state needs reams of paper NOW.  None of the letters told me WHERE to send the paperwork or WHO the new caseworker was. I knew I'd spend today working on this project.

Orange file is the paperwork for last year's application 

A long wait is anticipated with every call to HSS. I've previously been on hold for 3 1/2 hours. I barely had time to get organized before I was talking to someone in the long-term care division. Mikhail was GREAT and had good advice. Part of my problem is I had accepted verbal info, and he said to ALWAYS get everything and send everything in writing. I will from now on. 

I spent most the day getting paperwork together for the state. I emailed it off at 9:45 p.m. If it's anything like the original application, we will have paperwork going back and forth several times before they are satisfied for another year. I knew it was too good to be true when I filled out the one-page form and noted "nothing changed" in April. LOL

I also filled out a co-signee application for an apartment in VA and worked on freeze-drying a couple more loads of fruit. 

Wednesdays Melia has volleyball camp. She asked me to stay today, which I was happy to do. I took the opportunity to sneak a couple of pictures from my perch above the courts. 

Allie left to visit with Nolan and Alex. Melia, Michael and I had a fun conversation. I drove Melia to Nolan and Alex's for sibling game night. I picked up some takeout to bring home for Michael and I as he is still not feeling well enough to go out for date night. 

Allie is resting up for an early morning tomorrow. 

Stacia and Melia are still at game night and I am bringing the day to an end. 

 

Jury Service, Mountain Escapes, Tea and MOOSE x2

I realize from various comments that I may not have been clear about the jury pool here. We all serve when called and then we don't have to serve again for two years. However, when called to serve we are obligated to serve for two weeks. We call every night after 5 to see if they need us the following day. Yes, there is an initial questionnaire and yes, I did note that the trial for Josiah's murderer ended at just this time a year ago.  

I was told my jury group was July 5th - July 19th. My number was 20 out of 703. I was fairly certain I would be asked to come in last week. My presence was requested the very first day. 

When one arrives, they are given another questionnaire to fill out. This asks specifically about your relationship with law professionals, the judicial system, any crimes you may have been affected by etc. I filled out my form HONESTLY and figured the lawyers would toss me out.  

I was selected for jury voir dire. I knew both lawyers had the questionnaire, and I had shared honestly that being in the court brought back hard memories and it was a challenge to stay undistracted and focused on the present. I also voiced I resent defense lawyers and don't trust them. 

Last week when questioned I choked up and cried, jurors cried....we were a collective mess.  Actually, my jury adventure was the anniversary of Josiah's murderer's sentencing. I was excused for cause.  I called every night and wasn't asked to return. I ASSUMED I would not be called again.

I called last night and they CALLED MY NUMBER. Obviously, nothing has changed in a week. I went in and filled out the same questionnaire, the same way. Several others who had been excused were back as well. We all knew I'd be booted again.  

The questions started and I didn't cry. I was collected and answered questions and told my story. I was doing good. Then they asked WHY I said I distrust and/or resent defense lawyers. I hesitated. They reframed the question. I said I didn't mind sharing my thoughts, but I was trying to figure out how much they would want the jury to hear. I KNEW I'd be excused again and I realized that hearing my story would cause people to think of victims rather than defendants. The judge invited me to approach the bench, all the lawyers followed. He asked me to share. I did. The prosecutor asked me questions, the judge asked me questions, and the defense attorney asked me questions. I answered fully and honestly. The judge agreed I was correct defense attorneys are given wide latitude. I told the defense attorney he was the only person in the process who doesn't swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth - or who is able to say things without producing evidence to back up his claims. His job is to create doubt in a proven narritive if it doesn't  serve his client. They asked for examples. I gave them several from the trial where comments were made that the defense lawyer KNEW the evidence proved to be false...yet his job is to create a defense. This has left me jaded. Anyway, I told him it was nothing personal. I agreed I would try to be impartial and fair, but I wanted to be honest up front about the struggle. I tend to believe prosecutors more than defense attorneys. Someone else may well have the opposite experience. 

The defense attorney said he didn't feel it would be right to ask me to deny my lived experience and asked I be excused for cause. 

I was thanked and commended for the courage to voice my honest thoughts in front of the defense attorney.  The jury didn't hear any of the discussion - there was quite a few jocular comments and pats on the back as I was once again excused for cause. 

I was fine until I got out the courtroom. 

I cried.

I miss Josiah. 

I don't appreciate being forced to share my story to a roomful of strangers - TWICE. I was told I could be called back again until Friday. It seems cruel when they all KNOW they are going to excuse me. I am trying to follow their system, and it isn't working for me. 

A friend, who is a judge in another state, has advised me to call the clerk and ask to be dismissed. The timing of this process doesn't allow for a call - the courthouse is closed before I would know I'm being called again....BUT if I am called again, I plan to march up to the clerk when I arrive and tell him I've been excused twice for cause and my "lived experience" hasn't changed in the past few days and ask him to dismiss me. ::snort::

I got in the truck and the ugly sobs started. 

I decided I needed to be alone, and I wanted to be alone in the mountains. I sort of wanted to meet a bear - I was in that type of mood - I wanted to fight. I ran home, changed clothes, grabbed a bagel and bear spray and headed for the mountains to recalibrate.  It was rainy. The trails were deserted. One needs to make noise when hiking alone so I prayed, I SCREAMED loud and long, I wore myself out and then I knew I was ready to surrender and finally I came back to town. I don't love that this bugged me so much - but it did. I have forgiven lawyer Y. I still resent the lies he made up about our son. 

I'm fine. I'm just tired of the memories that come up by remembering sentencing, the trial, the courthouse...and it doesn't matter that it's not the same courthouse. I won't be called again for 2 years from today - unless the call me before Friday and then the 2 years will be from that date. 

The fireweed has a LONG way to go!

I came down from the mountains and ran to take a new phone to Dad. I stopped for tea and a treat with Bre and kids after that. The hugs were healing. 

Melia took the following picture. Between the moose and the chickens, I am having a horrible time with the garden this year! 

I popped store-bought enchiladas in the oven for dinner. 

Stacia, Melia and I are watching Pride and Prejudice - the 1995 version. We have no clue which is the "good" one, but we are enjoying ourselves. We finished "The Other Bennet Sister" and needed something else. LOL  We watched another episode of Pride and Prejudice. 

Allie came home from work, we visited and this very long day has come to an end!

If you are counting this is trail number 8 in the Matsu Trail Passport Challenge. One more to go by the 19th 

Tackling the Trails

 Melia had a sports physical across town today. We also found out her pulmonary function test was A OK. That meant she is clear to MOVE...and move we did. I had told her to bring a raincoat and a pair of walking shoes.  I had an ambitious plan to hike 5 trails today. We would start at the one nearest the clinic and work our way home....

The trail meanders through the woods. It's paved, Disc golf nets are scattered throughout and we decided it would be a fun one for cross country skiing in the winter.  I noted the fireweed at each place - it really is pretty. It's also in fuller bloom up the mountains near us than at this trail. 

We stopped at Crevasse Moraine Trails down the road a way. This one brought back fond memories of getting drinks and breakfast to go and having Bible study with Stacia in the car here during the Covid shutdown. I showed the sledding hill to Melia should she want to sled this winter. 

Us with the fireweed

Matanuska River Trail is where Stacia and Melia most often went cross country skiing last winter. 

We were back in our stomping grounds as we climbed to the Lazy Mountain Trailhead. We did a bit of the trail and then we veered over to the Morgan Horse Trail. It was more to our liking. 

WHOA - a clearing with many options. We chose wisely.

Our final trail this afternoon was Pioneer Ridge Trail. Melia saw the sign and refused to try it. I should NOT have told her about the woman being mauled by bears or the moose that jumped across a man's trail being chased by a bear. 

Melia has one trail left and I have two trails left in the MatSu Burrough Trail Passport Challenge.  We have until the 19th to finish. If I don't have to do jury tomorrow, I plan to do a hike about 20 minutes away. 

I opened packages, made Chicken Pot Pie and worked on some kitchen projects. I asked a question and peeked around the corner when I didn't get an answer. 😂

I wore her out.

I think there is something in the air! ::snort::