MY MELTDOWN
In keeping with the post below....I feel compelled to share my meltdown at Sam's. LOL
Things were wearing on me. I'd called a chaplain who is handy and he was somewhat perplexed with my lighting situation. It really looked like we were heading to an electrician. We sat down to eat and I remembered we were out of milk again. I hopped up. At Sam's club, I must have had 15 people say "Only 10 more days till Christmas!", "Are you ready for Christmas?" etc. I got out in the parking lot and realized the bottom line is that I haven't done Christmas without Mike for 24 years and I don't want to do this one without him either. I knew enough to pray. I sat in the parking lot, cried, prayed and told God that quite frankly I was TIRED. I was TIRED of the whole thing. Tired of everything breaking. Tired of shouldering the responsibility for everyone's safety, the house etc. Debby, my lunch buddy friend, asked me Tuesday night how I was doing. She said, "you don't seem to be depressed, are you?" and I told her I wasn't. I was more angry than depressed...and that's the crux of my melt down....I realized I was angry at everything going wrong and having to "fix it all" on my own.
Then....in the midst of my very authentic communication with the Father I was brought up short. "Did *I* EVER ask you to shoulder the responsibility on your OWN?" Oops...."No, Father." Folks think I'm strong. I'm not. I'm very weak, but oh the strength of my Lord....that strength infuses me when I finally realize that I can't and shouldn't "handle it alone". ::snort:: I told God I would remember that He is shouldering the responsibility and I told him it would be nice if I didn't have to call an electrician on Monday. I'm getting tired of major expenses every pay day...... I quoted James 1 to myself all over again (which I've done a LOT this week ::snort::) and determined anew to rest in Him, to choose joy and to let HIM shoulder the responsibility.
I walked in the door still sniffling but smiling. One of the boys said, "What's up, Mom?" I said....ah I'm just having a minor meltdown...then I realized the LIVING ROOM WAS LIT UP.....and the CHRISTMAS LIGHTS WERE ON AGAIN......another living example of Philippians....."Quit being anxious, but by prayer and supplication (specific, intense prayers) with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God....." so nice of Him to take care of this silly light thing in such a quick way.
And another week is completed...time marches on....
6 comments:
Sis,
Strange as it seems, I've been expecting an emotional breaking point/release of tension. That's why I posted earlier the comment, "Praying...".
Thank you for being authentic.
As hard as the "melt down moments" are (yes, I have mine too), it's wonderful to know He is so close and just waiting.
Most of this week He's been meeting me with John 16:33 when I sit and read your blog (and Ps. 100), it's one of the scripts I've been praying for you.
Delighted He let there be light for all y'all! {{G}}
{{{Darshia}}}
I knew it was coming as well. A wife simply can't endure a Christmas alone without releasing the feelings at some point. LOL
For those who don't know, Darshia is one of my former real life mentorees. I'm so very blessed to have been able to watch you move from new birth along the road to maturity. I lead a great life! What joy you bring to me with your comments and posts, my Sis.
I love the fact that God gives you words to encourage and bless me!!! Aren't female friendships under His Lordship something truly amazing and blessed???
It's always so fun to hear from "my ladies" who have moved or I've moved.....this time of year I'm hearing from many past friends and thinking "God - look what you've done" and that probably led me to think that in real life when relating with young women I'm honest and real and I need to be the same online - in the boundaries of internet safety.....
De'Etta,
You're such an inspiration to me, even when you're having a meltdown. *smile* While I haven't had to be in your situation (military/deployment), I have had those moments when I felt like Atlas. Thank goodness we really *don't* have to shoulder the load by ourselves!
De'Etta, I understand about feeling weak and having others think you are strong. Psalm 121:2 My help comes from the Lord.
Thanks, De'Etta - for posting all the "good, bad & ugly." While we've never met IRL, I certainly enjoying reading your blog & I learn something new almost every time I do. This post hit close for me - allowing God to take care of that responsibility. It was something I needed to hear. ~Lisa in ME
I'm so sorry you had a tough time, but please cut yourself some slack...allow yourself to grieve over this Christmas you are losing without Mike. God understands, he really does.
Each day is completed is one day closer.
Prayers continuing for you all.
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