Saturday, November 11, 2023

Wave of Grief

Up again in the middle of the night. 

Five hours of questions, tears, worship, journaling in the dark, while the rest of the house sleeps. 

This wave of grief is familiar. Miscarriages, loss of parents...we KNOW grief ebbs and flows. I've discovered, personally, it best to give myself to the movement, let God carry me until I find the footing and the ground is solid once again...between waves. It does no good to fight against the wave.  

The girls shared this song, Deep Deep Waters by American Authors. 

It comes and goes in waves

It always runs back but it's never quite the same...

When it pulls me under

Will You make me stronger?

Will You be my breath through the deep, deep water?

I woke at 3 a.m. with the soul-deep realization there will be no unexpected, drop-in, winter visits by Josiah and Livie. When fishing was over, hikes and summer projects finished...when winter struck...often while Carrie worked a Saturday shift, they'd show up out here. How we love those memories now. Amazed to see again when the mind isn't focused the spirit and soul still remember. 

I'm reminded again and again to cherish; not cling. 

Yes, I wrote about this years another season of transition from a location we loved (San Angelo, TX) to one we came to love as well (Japan). This happened as we cherished the past but clung to God and each other in a new location. How odd to google titles and a blog title and there are my words...waiting to preach to my soul this morning.  

"In Susan Miller's book, After the Boxes are Unpacked, she states,

"To cherish means to hold in the mind, to treasure, to hold dear, to value
highly. To cling means to clutch, to cleave, to hold on to, to grab hold of." page 21"

This reminds me of our decision to hold family, friends, ministry in an open hand rather than grasping to keep what He has so generously given.  We are working to move from the gut-wrenching, "NO," on Oct 23rd to a shaky, "yes," once again. 

And so, in the midst of this wave of grief, the questions, the hurt, the anger, the denial, the deep sadness, the desperate bargaining (Yes, others are cycling through the stages, I seem to be swirling them all up at once) I remember to cherish the sweet past.

Hallelujah = Praise God.  Hallelujah EVEN HERE

Right now I feel a little overwhelmed
Right now I could really use some help
Right now I don't feel like it is well with my soul
I've tried to find a way around the mess
I've prayed in faith that the night would end
Right here when I just can't understand
I'll lift my hands
Hallelujah, when the storm is relentless
Hallelujah, when the battle is endless
In the middle of the in between
In the middle of the questioning
Over every worry, every fear
Hallelujah, even here
Hallelujah, even here....

I know the night won't last
Your word will come to pass
My heart will sing Your praise again

Jesus You're still enough
Keep me within Your love
My heart will sing Your praise again 

Your promise still stands
Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness
I'm still in Your hands
this is my confidence, You never failed me yet

Five hours of worship and I may be ready to face this Saturday.

I may be people ready.

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