Six Weeks! Some Thoughts

 Six weeks. 

My body, my soul, my spirit knows without a conscious thought. 

It's Monday. 

Six weeks since Josiah was taken from us. 

Six weeks since I last fasted for my family. 

I have big questions. I can't begin to understand with CERTAINITY the sovereignty of God (and please don't give me your pat answers). I KNOW all the book answers.  I can't fathom how God's sovereignty intersects with evil in our world and man's free will...and if you are honest, you probably aren't sure you have all the right answers either. I don't understand why some seem to have more trials in life than others (childhood abuse, miscarriages, Parkinson's, son murdered) and DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME IT'S BECAUSE HE KNOWS I'M STRONG...because I'm not. I simply have no choice but to get up and carry on. 

I feel like the disciples when Jesus asked them if they would leave to? "Master, where else would we go? You have the words of life...."  I don't have, maybe don't need, all the answers. 

This Flannel Monday, I pause to meditate on what I know to be true. 

God is good even when life stinks. 

God is the healer even when life is broken. 

God loves faithfully even when life is unfair, and others act unfaithfully. 

Joy (not happiness) from the Lord IS my strength. Joy (Chara - same root where the word grace comes from) is a lasting emotion that comes from the CHOICE to trust that God will fulfill His promises. It's the state of being content with how God cares for one. 

God walks with me even here... Jn 1:4 - 5 says His life is my light...and that light shines in the darkness and the darkness cannot overcome it...name your darkness. It cannot overcome the life and light of Jesus...depression, grief, evil, sin, anxiety, fear...

God is the Good Shepherd and He is powerfully leading us through the valley of the shadow of death.

God is trustworthy - but I know I can't trust Him to keep my children safe 100% of the time (and don't tell me Josiah is safe with God. Yes, I know this. It brings a measure of peace, but he is not safe here now, is he?).

God WILL bring good from every situation - even evil ones. This does NOT mean my son's murder was a gift from God. What is WRONG with people? Do you think it helps to tell me this was "all part of God's plan?" Scripture tells me God is a GOOD FATHER and He gives GOOD GIFTS, and he does NOT give snakes. I do not believe evil is ever a GIFT from God. I believe He can and does bring GREAT GOOD FROM IT.  (See first comment about how it all works together).  

God walks with me, and He is full of grace and truth (John 1:14). He calls me to grace towards the defendant and his family, those who can't think beyond themselves, those who care deeply but misspeak, to my own grief...he calls me to show grace...but he also calls me to truth. 

Don't ask me to lie about how I am doing. Don't ask me to pretend all is bright lights, tinsel and Christmas jingles this year. It's not.  BUT in the pain, I DO choose to recognize Him walking with me. I'm sorry if you are more comfortable with platitudes than honest questions. In this season I wrestle with deeper questions and answers than the textbook answers. It's probably best not to ASK what I'm thinking if you aren't prepared to hear a raw answer. Hopefully gracious and truthful - both.  

And when does truth sound like a platitude? It may be in the attitude with which the words are spoken. Are you trying to "tie this up" and move on to your next engagement?  Do you get offended or hurt feelings if I question the truth you speak? Do you love me? It's quite possible to speak the right words without love and sound like a clanging cymbal (1 Cor 13:1). If you answer yes to any but the love one, your spoken truth probably sounds like a platitude. 

Are you willing to sit with me and wrestle with the questions? If so, the truth does not sound like a platitude when you speak it.  

Six weeks. 

I know a few things deeper in my spirit than ever before. I am shaken in other areas. That's o.k.

Today, I will fast. Because God led me to begin fasting for our family all those years ago. Because He hasn't told me to stop the practice. We surely have big needs. I may revisit the entry from the morning of Oct 23rd...it's been too painful to revisit the hopes and prayers for Josiah, Carrie and girls....but today, I may. In any event...I will continue...because the God who loves me so well calls me to continue to follow Him.  I will not fast the complete day because I made plans which involve tea and scones....but I am putting a stake down and getting back to it....

The last photo I have with all 10 kids and families.

We all know from his vantage point in heaven, Josiah would not want me to quit fasting and praying for his girls, his siblings and their families, our city, state and nation....

Six weeks. 

We are making it. 

We miss him terribly. 

We are broken. 

God is carrying us until we can function well. 

God is NOT offended by our heart-felt wrestling or questions. 

Please note I write more for myself than any other reason. Writing is therapeutic. This is where I am at THIS point in time. I totally get that there are things I do not understand, things others will teach me, or I will see in the word...but I want to remember. I want to remember well this journey the next time I am honored to sit with one on a similar journey. I don't want to forget where He is leading and teaching.  As I've often told groups of women when working through James...I want to grab every lesson possible from this trial because I do NOT want to revisit something similar in the future. 

Sunday in the Valley

In some ways this was a more "normal" Sunday for us. We went to church here in Palmer, rather than Eagle River as 1/2 the "kids" were traveling this week. It was good to see loved friends and to be back at a place where we invested our hearts and lives for 6 years. 

We went out with Brendon and Siakayle and kids after church. They are MOVING - soon. I'm so thankful God let our lives intersect for these years. I can't believe I didn't take PICTURES. 

Krista walked in to DQ as we were finishing up. Michael took GG home and I hopped in with Krista. We ran to get tree lights and stopped at Nonessentials. Stacia and Allie came home to work on homework. Krista and I stopped by to visit with Nolan and Alex before coming home. 

Arielle and the boys were at the house when we got home...Hot Chocolate Party. Krista got the boys and Ellie (Baby #4) Mario mugs with hot chocolate bombs! LOL 

When everyone had gone home....The girls, Michael and I set around the table and talked about Jn 1:4-5, Jesus being Prophet and read Luke 3.  Our Advent season is off and running. 

GRACE NOTES

1. Seeing loved friends this morning. Sunday dinner with dear friends before they move to SD.

2. Summer peach balsamic vinegar.

3. A fun visit with Krista, Nolan and Alex.

A Full Saturday

 Saturdays are a challenge. They are the day we most expect Millie to begin barking, and Josiah, Carrie and Liv to walk in the door. They are often unplanned and stretch.  Today was a bit more emotional than normal as it's been one month since Josiah's Celebration of Life. 

Joelle dropped by for a hug and to drop off some lemon bars. So sweet - both her and the bars. 

We had loose plans to meet CoRielle and the boys at Santa's...but we never made it. 

Jared and Noah came by. They were giving Larissa time to rest. We were happy for the visit. It was great to catch up on their busy week, actually we missed Thanksgiving and church last Sunday, so it had been two weeks since we saw their family.  

Jared and Noah

We talked about places that provide painful reminders of what is missing...and I remembered with Mom eventually those places begin to bring comfort. Still the ache of missing, but ALSO the joy of remembering the fun times with her in those places. I look forward to that transition. Right now, things are pretty much painful reminders of all we've lost. I'm not sure if the legal aspect of this loss will slow things down or speed things up with grief. I guess it just is...and we will deal with what is. 

While we were visiting, we heard from Luke and Krista. They were going to come over and were bringing ingredients for Yakisoba. They also brought stuff to make wontons, a pastry and some soft drinks. I will admit the house gets a bit raucous with all the people and RENO and MILLIE in the mix.  However, it WAS great to have them come by. We visited, cooked together, ate and they headed home. 

The bonus is Millie is now tired out and is sleeping. 

If I had the energy I would go ahead and back blog a few posts from missing weeks, but I'm going to end this. I may read. Reading and viewing have become a challenge. My favorite genre has been suspense and murder mystery. That isn't working for me these days. It's impossible to consider either watching or reading a murder mystery as entertainment. I picked up a couple of other books - but I don't love them like I used to love my mysteries.  I'm a bit at a loss at the library. 

OH - and check out these cute boys who are playing the "Santa game" this year. They've always known the sad truth about Santa, but Benny asked if they could play the game this Christmas. LOL 

 

Look at those two little faces peeping out of the snowman's face. Cute boys, these 3! 

GRACE NOTES: 

1. Surprise Yakisoba. 

2. Family in the area to visit. 

3. Jared shared a video with me - and I needed to hear Josiah's voice. I have it on my phone and computer now. 

Reflections from a Moonlit Night - Michael

This has been a hard day. I am not the one who usually writes these posts, but this night - actually, this morning - I need to write. I have many, many questions. This has been a day when it is just plain hard to breathe, at times. There is a void, an emptiness inside of me that will not be filled. There is a pain in my soul that cannot find comfort. There are questions for which there are no answers. 

It is very late. I stood outside and looked up into the emptiness of the night. There were stars and a moon that bathed the mountain above our home with its sharp radiance. The trees softly reflected this same light of our lunar companion. The snow sparkled and glistened in its own way, but I hurt. I was drawn outside by the faint promise of Northern Lights. I found solitude and an odd loneliness - a deep longing for something beyond my reach. I called out into the vastness of the night sky for a sign, a word, a message - something, but there was only the darkness of the night, the twinkling of stars, the stark glow of the moon and an ever so faint hint of an aurora. 

"What do you want?" came the question to my heart. 

The question seemed ludicrous. I want Josiah back. I want one more conversation with him. I want to go fishing with him again, I want to hear his voice. I want to hold him again. I want to talk through the issues of life. At the very least, I want to hear from him and that he is ok. I yearned to know he is at peace. 

"And then what?" came a second question.

And then I will be ok..., but an image plagued my mind. I would have a simplistic proof, a simpleton's answer. I could see myself walking about as one who is devoid of the depth of a faith tested and proven in the midst of trial. I could see myself as one who dishes out the platitudes and cliches I have learned to deeply despise. I could see myself becoming what I now abhor - having a Polly Anna faith that is sickly sweet and a half inch deep.

Deep faith is not found in shallow wells.

A life without issue or trouble brings a fragility of the soul that will shatter at the falling of a leaf. 

Comfort does not produce resilience anymore than a tree sheltered from the wind produces a strong and beautiful tree that is able stand against the storms of life.

No, it is in the trial that faith grows strong. It is in walking through the valley of the shadow of death with nothing more than knowing that the Lord is with me. It is the act of holding in an open hand the questions that badger my mind and heart. It is in simple trust. It is in keeping my eyes set on the Light even as the winds blow and the waves crash against me. It is in the stillness of a starry night with the moon bathing the land and just the faintest hint of aurora. This is where faith grows strong. 

Do I want that conversation with Josiah? Desperately!

Would I trade that for the hard work of walking, believing, trusting, growing in faith? No, I would not trade, but I do want both, but only one door is available; only one path can be traveled; only one ticket can be selected. With a heart that is still writhing in agony and in the depths of pain and loss, I still choose the more difficult journey - so help me God.

-Michael

A Hard Day

Today was hard. It's been one month since many of us gathered at the funeral home and cried, laughed, remembered and prayed. We said our final farewell to Josiah's earthly body.  

Alyse grabbed a photo here and at the service

One month. 

It's such a short time and yet it feels as if an eternity has been lived in that month. 

Michael and I both struggled today. 

God graciously sent activity to our home. 

Jamin stopped by on the way to the airport! He'll be in TX for a week. We are praying it's perfect grace for Jamin in this season...visiting old places he and Josiah used to haunt, connecting with old friends. 

CoRielle and the boys came over this afternoon.  The younger ones come in asking for hot chocolate parties at this point. I've made a reputation.   While Cory played with the boys outside, Arielle and I visited, and I popped some cookies into the oven. 

After our treat Michael played games and cuddled with grandsons....at times one who didn't want to play a game, at times all 3. 

We played games. While Benny and Cory are much better than I at this exploding monkey game - I did win Benny in a game of Candyland. 

Stacia had a friend, Linnea, over to work on a project. When they were done, they and Allie bounced out to buy pizza. This took 2 hours! WHAT??? They spent the time thrifting. Allie found a great sweater. Stacia found more props for the Christmas play. 

Michael took the fall decor out (except for the bit we left up). He has been bringing in boxes here and there and I've put up what I've wanted from them. We are NOT putting everything up this year. We do have a few things up. The girls put up the tree tonight. 

After Linnea went home, Stacia did a few more hours of homework downstairs. Allie's favorite spot is by the fire...she worked on homework from that perch.  I'm not sure homework is pictured here. 

GG went to bed. Michael and I read. I fell asleep to wake up at 0316. Michael stayed up. 

GRACE NOTES

1. Visit from Jamin on the way to fly to TX.

2.Meeting Linnea, friend of Stacia and Allie...got the tree up.

3. Visit from Cory, Arielle and boys.....thankful to have won Benny in a game of Candyland.

November's Snippets

November 11th - Gideon got ahold of Bre's phone cute photos resulted. 

 First power outage of Winter 2023/24...the girls' candle supply comes in handy! 

November 20th 

Game night - Happy Salmon

We bought another 12 chicks this spring as our egg production went so low last year. Our hope was 6 - 12 eggs a day. Low and BEHOLD if those older ladies didn't up their game when the young chicks joined the flock. We are still getting TWO DOZEN eggs a day! 

This is a morning haul and there are typically 1 - 3 eggs at night as well.  And below...check out that egg. A large egg is 2 oz. 

She made a break for it...and led her friends to freedom...we actually let them free range, but it's been so cold they've stayed in the sheltered area. Michael shoveled a path to make it easier for me to get to them and they have decided it's their personal highway. 

Oh NO! We're a matching old couple. 

Noah is introduced to the wonders of Papa's flashlight obsession. 

We'll end the month with sweet photos of Noah, bundled for a winter walk! 

Josiah's Car Came Home

 It seems the "hard" of this situation keep coming. Today, Josiah's car came to our home.  The police still have his keys. We can't find a spare set. It seemed good to get it moved, and Carrie and Livie don't need it in their garage. I knew it was being towed here. And still...

My first thought as I caught the red flash coming down the driveway was, "Josiah's here!" 

He often dropped by unannounced and Jamin had dropped by this morning without me knowing he was coming. 

 As I began to move towards the door to welcome Josiah, it all hit me again! The brain does play tricks. 

I cried big and ugly. 

I went out and watched until I had to quit watching. The tow truck driver was very empathetic, and he knew his job, as well. It turns out he knew Josiah. Josiah often called him to tow cars from Alpine and Legacy before that. He told us how sorry he was and said Josiah was one of the "good guys." 

He told us he understood what we are feeling. He said the therapists will tell you they understand but they don't. Then he shared a personal story with so much tragedy and horror we had to admit we don't know what HE FEELS.  Yes, he certainly understands our feelings. 

It's nestled into a little spot. It will cause trouble for Shawn, our plow man. Michael said we'll move it when we get the keys from the police. The tow operator pointed out the messages on the back of his window.  He told us the tenants called Josiah Big Daddy J and had left a note or two on the car. 

I couldn't help myself. I looked inside. I would have sat inside if I could. Liv's toy...empty lunch containers... marks of a life cut suddenly short.  It's all so senseless and hard. We miss him so much. 

So, yeah, an emotional day - but it feels good to have the car secured and to be able to do this to help out is a blessing. It's another hard good. 

I got most the fall stuff down. Michael began popping Christmas boxes inside...for the most part I've just looked at them...I did hang two wreaths.  I mean that and a tree and we can call it good, right? 

After this emotional day, this fall decor will stay until we're good and ready to move on. ::snort:: Fall is way too short in Alaska anyway! 

Bringing his car home from Alpine where Josiah worked is one of the hard milestones we knew we'd pass along this journey. There remains many more emotional and legal hards to navigate. 

GRACE NOTES:

1. Josiah's car is secure at our place.

2. We got some minutes to spend with Jamin.

3. Michael had a good lunch with two friends - Ed and John.