Courageous Joy

COMPLIANCE VS. OBEDIENCE

I heard a comment on the radio last week. It struck a chord in my mind and has stayed with me.

“Do we want compliant or obedient kids?”

I finally took a moment this a.m. to look up the words in Webster’s (because these are English words and not Hebrew or Greek words LOL).

Compliance – complying or giving in to a request, wish or demand; acquiescence.
A tendency to give in readily to others.


Obedience – The state, fact or instance of obeying, a willingness to obey; submission


I think this struck such a chord in my spirit because of my current study on parenting. Having grown up as a Pastor’s Kid (PK)/ Missionary Kid (MK), I’ve seen a lot of peers and peer’s children who seem to be perfect/model children splatter as soon as they leave home. Oh yes, I have a lot of theories about what I’ve come to think of as the PK Syndrome. Mike and I have worked diligently to avoid the PK Syndrome in our children.

The main thing we’ve done is attempted not to worry not about the children looking good before a congregation; rather we focus on their hearts looking good before a holy, just and merciful God. We rejoice when great behavior flows from a heart that loves God….It’s been our experience that eventually behavior ALWAYS matches up with heart. Sometimes, however, a heart is right and the behavior hasn’t caught up. We’ve seen this most with toddlers and young adults (teens). Hey – we have both! :::snort::: Let me share two quick examples. Our preschooler climbed to the balcony this was NOT acceptable to the congregation – but his heart was right. We were new to the base and hadn’t trained him NOT to go into the balcony. We try to always train/discipline a child before we require obedience in any issue. {g} Another example is when our 12 yo decided he wanted skater hair in a military chapel. We only asked he keep it clean. His heart was right before God – his appearance probably caused some raised eyebrows before the congregation. In the grand scheme of things….I want my children to be God-pleasers not congregation- pleasers. Though I LOVE those times when the two match up. :::snort:::

The gray box in my Webster’s offers a bit more insight:
Obedient – giving in to the orders or instructions of one in authority – submission

Compliant – suggests a weakness of character that allows one to yield meekly to another’s request

I have seen many “discipline” systems that produce compliant children. However, compliance without heart training leaves our children vulnerable. We’ve trained them to be compliant and they will carry that trait into future relationships.

Obedience – submission – is a totally different story. Submission is a response to another’s leadership. It really isn’t a role per se. Inherent in the idea of obedience and submission is the idea that one understands the mission they have placed themselves under (sub). As my training/discipline of my children is God Centered and God Natured my children come to understand our family mission (to Glorify God; to Love God wholeheartedly). They obey/submit because they understand and have embraced that mission. The mission does not change with their circumstances.

I pray that my children develop hearts of obedience and not hearts of compliance. I seek to raise God-pleasers and not men-pleasers.