Wave of Grief

Up again in the middle of the night. 

Five hours of questions, tears, worship, journaling in the dark, while the rest of the house sleeps. 

This wave of grief is familiar. Miscarriages, loss of parents...we KNOW grief ebbs and flows. I've discovered, personally, it best to give myself to the movement, let God carry me until I find the footing and the ground is solid once again...between waves. It does no good to fight against the wave.  

The girls shared this song, Deep Deep Waters by American Authors. 

It comes and goes in waves

It always runs back but it's never quite the same...

When it pulls me under

Will You make me stronger?

Will You be my breath through the deep, deep water?

I woke at 3 a.m. with the soul-deep realization there will be no unexpected, drop-in, winter visits by Josiah and Livie. When fishing was over, hikes and summer projects finished...when winter struck...often while Carrie worked a Saturday shift, they'd show up out here. How we love those memories now. Amazed to see again when the mind isn't focused the spirit and soul still remember. 

I'm reminded again and again to cherish; not cling. 

Yes, I wrote about this years ago...in another season of transition from a location we loved (San Angelo, TX) to one we came to love as well (Japan). This happened as we cherished the past but clung to God and each other in a new location. How odd to google titles and a blog title and there are my words...waiting to preach to my soul this morning.  

"In Susan Miller's book, After the Boxes are Unpacked, she states,

"To cherish means to hold in the mind, to treasure, to hold dear, to value

highly. To cling means to clutch, to cleave, to hold on to, to grab hold of." page 21"

This reminds me of our decision to hold family, friends, ministry in an open hand rather than grasping to keep what He has so generously given.  We are working to move from the gut-wrenching, "NO," on Oct 23rd to a shaky, "yes," once again. 

And so, in the midst of this wave of grief, the questions, the hurt, the anger, the denial, the deep sadness, the desperate bargaining (Yes, others are cycling through the stages, I seem to be swirling them all up at once) I remember to cherish the sweet past.

Hallelujah = Praise God.  Hallelujah EVEN HERE

Right now I feel a little overwhelmed

Right now I could really use some help

Right now I don't feel like it is well with my soul

I've tried to find a way around the mess

I've prayed in faith that the night would end

Right here when I just can't understand

I'll lift my hands

Hallelujah, when the storm is relentless

Hallelujah, when the battle is endless

In the middle of the in between

In the middle of the questioning

Over every worry, every fear

Hallelujah, even here

Hallelujah, even here....

I know the night won't last

Your word will come to pass

My heart will sing Your praise again

Jesus You're still enough

Keep me within Your love

My heart will sing Your praise again 

Your promise still stands

Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness

I'm still in Your hands

this is my confidence, You never failed me yet

Five hours of worship and I may be ready to face this Saturday.

I may be people ready.

Danny is "3, 4, 9!"

Today is Danny's "3, 4, 9!" birthday! Cory and Arielle invited us all to the trampoline park for a bit of fun. This was to be our "one social thing" today. 

I got Dad up and showered. I jumped on the treadmill and walked 2 miles today before I was simply DONE with being active. I cleared the deck of another 2 inches of snow. The girls worked on homework and took tests online. 

I don't know about our snow removal man. He was supposed to back plow the space in front of the door and didn't really get it all....then because he got stuck, he didn't push the snow back where we wanted it to be. We have a wall of snow 5 feet tall and 15 feet deep. We thought of paying to have someone move it, but I'm not sure they can. This is our FIRST storm...with the snow where it is we are going to lose all our guest parking before the winter is over.  ANYWAY, before we could go to the trampoline park, we needed to dig out the cars, the ramp and the front driveway. 

Michael began hauling snow.  He doesn't simply throw the snow into the orchard or off the ramp. We have to drag it to a utility sled which he pulls behind the big snow berm the snow removal man created.  We also fill our shovels and drag it to the same spot.  We got our steps in today. It took the four of working 2 hours to get this much done.  At the very end, with the van warmed up and Dad heading out to the van, Michael relented and let the girls throw the last of the snow over the ramp and into the yard.  LOL 

See the black utility sled? 

 Millie is a nuisance!

Stacia and Allie dumping the last bit over the side. 

We headed out in good time with plans to run a couple of errands.  HOWEVER, the tire light came on and the car was "squirrely." We were near the tire shop where we bought the tires and stopped to get air. The sidewall is bulging - never a good sign. They were too busy to give us a new tire. We ended up driving slowly home and Michael will be at the shop before 0900 tomorrow in hopes of getting the tire repaired. We have no spare because this van comes from the factory with run flat tires...um...but our snow tires are not run flats. 

Sadly, we did not make it to the trampoline park. Arielle sent photos. We went home and had an impromptu tea party, a bit of dinner and watched another Christmas movie and Studio C clips. 

Charles & Jared

Danny & Cory

The uncles represented!

Jamin, Jared and Nolan

Tonight, I am thankful for:

1. Family

2. Christmas movies - The Most Wonderful Time of Year

3. Safety

4. I only used about 10 tissues instead of a box.

First Winter Storm - Gherkins Adventures

 Carrie left a comment in response to my previous FB post (which I'm saving here) that she was continuing on but not moving on. That seems to be a profound distinction. I had begun doing the fall blog catch-up when we got the call on 10-23. I will continue to work on that as I feel like working on it. I will also begin to capture some of the FB thoughts here, as well as start blogging. I have been writing pages and pages in my journal. Some of that processing will find its way to the blog. 

It's always a bit of a guess as to when fall ends and winter begins in Alaska. The calendar claims it is fall. We woke to a distinctly winter feel this morning. It's not our "first" snow but it is certainly going to hang around for a bit.  Though it was uncommonly late this year we knew winter 2023/24 would eventually arrive. She did with great fan fare! 

Just how much snow did we get? Allie cleared the deck on Wednesday night. All of THIS is new.... overnight. It measured 12 inches in the morning and continued to come down most of the day. It is wet and sloppy snow. It has packed down quite a bit, so I have no real number for you...a LOT of snow. 

Michael and I are determined to do at least ONE THING besides grieving a day. Today, we started with snow at about 6:30 a.m. Michael is clearing the front so cars can get out for college and appointments. Snow slid off the roof throughout the evening. Before Michael instituted the new parking scheme it would have submerged my van. 

I made a hot breakfast for Michael and I after we shoveled. We congratulated ourselves on getting ONE THING done so early in the day. Michael spent over an HOUR on hold with Social Security. They had sent a request for more info, but their form was wrong and when he called the number, we were supposed to call he got a message the number was no longer in service. An hour on hold for her to say she didn't really know, and he should make the changes and then take the form to the office in Anchorage. In the past the office in town has said they weren't sure, and he should call the 800 number. Michael had a medical appointment so decided to attend that and see how the roads were before committing to a trip to Anchorage.  In the end he came home, made the changes on the form and faxed it into the number we were given. I sure hope that works. We are still waiting to hear Tricare has fixed their snafu so the VA can find all our family members. 

Getting out to the chicken coop was quite an adventure. 

Jamin is paying for snow removal for us this winter. We were excited when the truck showed up. He made one pass and promptly got stuck...no tread on his tires. Michael helped him put chains on and worked with gravel etc to tow him out.  He didn't quite do the job we expected...but it didn't take 6 hours of back-breaking work either. LOL 

Schools are closed.  Allie attended her class via zoom.  The girls spent most of the day working on homework. 

I took care of online thank you notes and messages yesterday and worked on more "real life" thank you messages today. I also got on the treadmill again and TURNED IT ON this time. I did a mile before I felt it was time to get off and think about life.  That counts as three things besides grieving I did today.  I think that's enough for the day. 

How did the rest of the Gherkins spend this snowy day? 

Stacia dusted off her cross-country skis and took Millie out for a bit of exercise. Millie LOVES these outings. 

Carrie and Livie snuggled on the couch with hot chocolate and watched Christmas movies. 

JBER declared the road conditions were black. Target was having a one-day sale that Krista was determined to get for one of the kids. She walked to Target and snagged the deal. I love her determination.  They found out their neighbor's father had worked with Weidner for 25 years and had worked with Josiah. Small world. 

Photo from Krista

Jared discovered his new snowblower isn't quite up to an Alaska-size storm. 

Photo from Jared

Arielle and the boys made a snow hill to slide, and they made their first snowman of the year. 

Photo from Arielle

Bre's washer/dryer broke down. Laundry must be done. Her brothers, Alex and Nolan, live next door and agreed to let her use their laundry set up....transporting the laundry was an adventure. 

Photo from Bre

Bre's darlings played in the snow and then enjoyed a hot chocolate party.  Bre discovered they were out of the good chocolate and only had the sugar free kind she keeps on hand for GG and I. She posted in a family thread and Cory showed up on her doorstep with a new container of hot chocolate. 

Photo from Bre

Jojo (Josiah) lasted 5 minutes in the snow...but he seems quite happy to give it a shot. 

Photo from Bre

Noah is not sure WHAT to think about all the white stuff. This is my favorite shot. 

Photo from JaRissa

I wonder what Jamin did this wintery day -I'm sure he kept busy. 

We enjoyed an eclectic dinner. I had two Costco meals from Aaron and Elise left. I threw both in the oven as we were all home for dinner. Yadira showed up with tamales.  The meatloaf took forever to cook...so we'll have it later.... tonight, we had Ravioli, tamales and cauliflower rice. 

We had been watching shows like Person of Interest, White Collar, NCIS....and those are simply out for the time being. They hit in a new way. Carrie said she and Liv were watching Christmas movies. Hmm....no crime, no shooting or murder, any sadness resolved in quick order...for the first time since 10-23 we gathered to watch something after dinner. We settled on a couple of Hallmark Christmas movies. Who would have guessed? 

Another day passed. 

Mourning & Thankful Thoughts

Just spent time shoveling our deck. Remembering all the magical fantastic times we have had in this backyard. Bridal showers, water fights, fishing net repair, t ball, kick ball, bocce, bbqs, tea parties, snow paths, sledding, Josiah and Carrie's wedding, fireworks on NYE...and the tears fell while the snow flew.

For the first time EVER, I do not want to put up Christmas decor.

I don't want to take down fall decor.

Taking down fall means admitting we are moving into a new season.

I don't want to move into a new season without Josiah.

I loved the season we were enjoying.

I know I will eventually move into the new season because this is a familiar theme in a *TCK life.... transitioning from season to season.

TCKs learn early to say goodbye quick and don't look back until the pain lessens.

Somehow, I know on a soul level this is not the best way to handle this goodbye.

For today, I choose to live fully present with the pain. Of now.

It will get better.

*TCK - third culture kid aka military brats, missionary kids, diplomats' kids...

#CourageousJoy #superflycy #MissingJosiah

Today I am thankful for

1. Friends who searched, bought, and carried Pumpkin spice English muffins to us in their suitcase.

2. Jamin arranged snow plowing for us this winter...and what a wild first experience it was. The snowplow got stuck in our driveway. We were so thankful to spend an hour rather than 5 on snow.

3. Watched a show for the first time since the 23rd...no violence, death, crime or sad themes...a Hallmark Christmas movie.

4. Tamales from Yadira's mom!

5. A loving community.

6. A God who is near and understands what others cannot.

7. Carrie sharing the sweet photo of Josiah feeling Josi move. It's a treasure.

Photo by Livie

#CourageousJoy

Thankful Thoughts

 Tonight, I'm thankful for:

1. Living in a snow globe is beautiful.

2. Honestly, I sat on the couch most the day...so I am thankful for my couch.

3. Responded to messages and texts... for 5 hours...my task of the day.

Prayer Requests & Thankful Thoughts

 Pray

1. It's been a hard night after yesterday's arraignment. Everything went fine. Seeing the defendant moving on while Josiah can't ...somehow reawakened, or freshened, grief.

2. Pray we find the rhythym of LIVING WITH GRIEF because it seems to be an unwelcome companion on our journey. We are taking steps towards routine...college classes, chores, cooking meals...

3. ALWAYS such a sense of loss and emptiness...something vital is missing.

Tonight, I'm thankful for:

1. Time with Benny & Danny while Charles and Arielle saw doctors.

2. My purse was returned to FM customer service after I left it in a shopping cart in the parking lot.

3. Cards and letters from high school roommates, fellow military chaplains and pastors, and from a gal who was in our Jr high youth group 29 years ago.

4. Fire in the Woodstove on a day when I can't stop shivering.

#CourageousJoy #holdthemclose

Two Weeks, Prayer Requests, & Thankful thoughts

Two weeks since Josiah was killed.

While the world moves on and we have to begin getting back to routines (college, work...) everything feels different and changed for us.

The ache is big.

I want it to be a nightmare.

Via Carrie's FB

Prayer Requests:

We are ever so thankful for the community of prayer warriors surrounding us.

1. Court today.

2. Clarity for decisions.

3. Josiah's girls...health, provision and safety.

Photo via Carrie

Thankful for

1. Brendan, Siakayle and Daisy for staying with Dad.

2. Family and friends gathering at the courthouse. Bail remains, defendent will stay in jail until trial. Discovery set for Dec 20th. Thanks for making the trip Kaleah.

3. Visit with Carrie and Liv. I can't tell you how much we love these girls. It's a comfort to be with them.

4. Michael's winter driving skills.

5. Quiche from Costco for dinner. I think all the Costco meals are from Aaron and Elise. So glad not to have to cook.