Courageous Joy

*Grace Based Parenting by Dr. Tim Kimmel*

First, a confession. I have avoided reading this book for years. I assumed it would be "psychobabble" and promote cheap grace. Grace is amazing, awesome, scandalous - but never cheap or an excuse for overlooking sin. I had heard this author and book spoken of disparagingly. You can fill in the comments for yourself based on my above confession. {G}

I was able to get this audio book from bookcloseouts.com. Since I was done with my parenting study, I was intrigued by his title.

Things I learned:

1. I'm not sure audio books are for me. I had a hard time listening. I also had several near misses when I decided I HAD to write down notes....picture notes on sides of receipts, lab reports etc.

2. I really like marking up my books, better than listening to a book.

3. I was able to finish this book in a week of driving. I would not have finished it if I was attempting to find time to read. Audio books may be an o.k. option....still considering.

4. The authors voice pattern or lisp or accent was very distracting to me...but I eventually adjusted.

Basic Premise of the Book:

~We should model our parenting after the way that God deals with His children. What? This sounds very familiar to me - THIS man can't be a psychobabble heretic! ::snort::

~We should strive for grace based rather than fear based homes. Yes, YES, YES!

~Every child needs security, significance and strength. We meet these needs by offering them a secure love, a significant purpose and a strong hope. This is accomplished by engaging with our children and by pointing them to a relationship with God who provides them with a secure love, significant purpose and strong hope. Dr. Kimmel develops this through Scripture....beautifully relating how our needs are the same and God fulfills each one.

~We are to keep the three needs in mind in all our interactions with our children.

~The delivery system of grace is: freedom to be different, freedom to be vulnerable, freedom to be candid, and the freedom to make mistakes. (Umm....how cool. Think about this. Does it really matter if my child has spikes or a Mohawk? Does it REALLY matter as long as his heart is right? Do I seriously listen to my child's fears? Can my child tell me anything at all? Will I support my child as he works through the consequences of his bad choices?)

~No WHERE are we told to ignore sin or "let children run wild".

~There was a good chapter on prodigals that I think would be very encouraging.

~I have never heard the difference between fear based and grace based parenting presented so clearly. I found this BEAUTIFUL. In fear based homes we view our home as a fortress. We try to build a fence with strict expectations, rules etc. Sin is on the outside. If our fence is strong enough, we can keep sin on the outside of our family. In a grace based home we recognize that sin is within each of us. We view ourselves and our children as sinners in need of grace. We don't attempt to keep sin on the "outside" ....we attempt to teach our children to walk STRONGLY with their God. Our emphasis is not on making our children look or act in a Christian manner....but in reaching their hearts. I really am not doing this justice, but it was good. To sum it up he said the difference is that some think " sin will penetrate their barriers" and others think "sin permeates our being"....this will greatly affect how you parent. I was so able to SEE this.

Problems:

~The voice thing go to me, but if I were reading the book this wouldn't be an issue.

~ Somewhere in the middle of the book (as I was merging into traffic) he dealt with definitions of good and evil. I am not sure I caught all he said - and if I did - I'm not sure I agree with his definitions. I'd need to think this over more, pray, probably study it in the Word and certainly have some discussions with my favorite theologian before I would be sure I agreed with what I thought he said...but again...I know I missed a lot listening while driving.

SPANKING:

~ I know for some (on both sides of the discussion), it doesn't matter what else he says...the question is "what does he say about spanking"? He says that it should not be the ONLY tool a parent uses. He said that some children respond well to spanking and some do not. He said that we must recognize that if we are not comfortable with spanking or if our child doesn't respond well to it - it isn't required by Scripture.

Great Quotes:

"Love is a commitment of my will to your needs and best interests regardless of the cost." Wow....love means I WILL find the energy to continue to disciple with my children.

"In a grace based home, no child is ever written off!" Amen.

"...evangelical busybodies" I can't remember the exact quote but there were some great thoughts about being concerned about our children and extending grace rather than worrying about judging from ...... NOW he is a Christian and was NOT slamming the church but we may all know some of these types. I know that I do....I've had several encounters with this type...the ones that are sure that they know better than I what my child needs....and it isn't grace! {G}

Recommendation:

I honestly believe that this is a book that all parents should read or at least become familiar with the basic principles in the book. He doesn't really go into "discipline techniques" - but the concept of extending grace rather than fear is one we could all benefit from - regardless of our spanking stance. I did not agree totally with his stance on spanking.....but hey...it was a great book. It was good enough that I'm considering buying it so that I can highlight quotes and mark it up. I think there is much to glean from this book.

Dr. Kimmel is the founder of "Family Matters". You can find more about this book, including a table of contents here.