Sin is ugly and hopeless and for that reason I desperately need the crucifixion and the resurrection. I nailed him on the cross. I don't want to admit it. I don't want my sin to nail him there. But I did.
This was brought home to me Friday. I was frustrated. I knew I shouldn't speak...and that was right. I knew I should come home and hit my knees. Deep down I knew God would show me MY sin and I wanted to revel in HIS sin...just a bit longer. On GOOD FRIDAY no less.
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I suppose in the scheme of things this doesn't seem like much to most who will read this. But God has told me to follow him to freedom from food addiction, from out of control binges....and I CHOSE to run to a mini-binge instead of the arms of Jesus. Because in the history of binges this is small...but in the motivation of my heart this is big.
Saturday morning I came into His loving presence. I thanked Him for an amazing night of table fellowship with friends. It was an absolutely fantastic night of friendship and plant based food. I thanked Him for the price He paid on the cross for my freedom...I opened the Word and began to race through the day's reading...so I could turn to the epistle where I planned to feast....
"Don't go back to worshiping worthless idols that cannot help or rescue you. They are totally useless." I Samuel 12:21I remembered...what for others is an occasional "treat" is a stronghold, an idol, a place of false worship in my life. I simply cannot start down the road; at this point in my healing I cannot handle mini-splurges. Out of control binges, food, has never helped or rescued me. They are totally useless. Jesus said to follow HIM to Freedom. He clearly showed me Saturday morning this is not time for me to enjoy these treats.
And we talked, my patient sweetie and I. I misunderstood his motives. My judging and subsequent idol worship was far uglier than his supposed fault. Sin is that way. I confessed to him, as I need accountability. I'm done hiding ugly actions - because satan uses what I hide to bind me...browbeat me.
I have hope only because HE was also broken - for my sin.
In tears, I rejoice. I thank Him. Once again, I truly repent.
I will continue to tear down the altar of this idol one choice at a time.
I will someday walk in total freedom - He has promised freedom as I follow...I should have listened Friday afternoon as I entered the commissary. I didn't.
Yes, I truly believe an idol is anything which I esteem higher than God, which I crave more than God, which I run to in place of God - and Poppycock is not always an idol...but on this day it certainly was.
Living all of life before the face of God...