A Full Saturday

 Saturdays are a challenge. They are the day we most expect Millie to begin barking, and Josiah, Carrie and Liv to walk in the door. They are often unplanned and stretch.  Today was a bit more emotional than normal as it's been one month since Josiah's Celebration of Life. 

Joelle dropped by for a hug and to drop off some lemon bars. So sweet - both her and the bars. 

We had loose plans to meet CoRielle and the boys at Santa's...but we never made it. 

Jared and Noah came by. They were giving Larissa time to rest. We were happy for the visit. It was great to catch up on their busy week, actually we missed Thanksgiving and church last Sunday, so it had been two weeks since we saw their family.  

Jared and Noah

We talked about places that provide painful reminders of what is missing...and I remembered with Mom eventually those places begin to bring comfort. Still the ache of missing, but ALSO the joy of remembering the fun times with her in those places. I look forward to that transition. Right now, things are pretty much painful reminders of all we've lost. I'm not sure if the legal aspect of this loss will slow things down or speed things up with grief. I guess it just is...and we will deal with what is. 

While we were visiting, we heard from Luke and Krista. They were going to come over and were bringing ingredients for Yakisoba. They also brought stuff to make wontons, a pastry and some soft drinks. I will admit the house gets a bit raucous with all the people and RENO and MILLIE in the mix.  However, it WAS great to have them come by. We visited, cooked together, ate and they headed home. 

The bonus is Millie is now tired out and is sleeping. 

If I had the energy I would go ahead and back blog a few posts from missing weeks, but I'm going to end this. I may read. Reading and viewing have become a challenge. My favorite genre has been suspense and murder mystery. That isn't working for me these days. It's impossible to consider either watching or reading a murder mystery as entertainment. I picked up a couple of other books - but I don't love them like I used to love my mysteries.  I'm a bit at a loss at the library. 

OH - and check out these cute boys who are playing the "Santa game" this year. They've always known the sad truth about Santa, but Benny asked if they could play the game this Christmas. LOL 

 

Look at those two little faces peeping out of the snowman's face. Cute boys, these 3! 

GRACE NOTES: 

1. Surprise Yakisoba. 

2. Family in the area to visit. 

3. Jared shared a video with me - and I needed to hear Josiah's voice. I have it on my phone and computer now. 

Reflections from a Moonlit Night - Michael

This has been a hard day. I am not the one who usually writes these posts, but this night - actually, this morning - I need to write. I have many, many questions. This has been a day when it is just plain hard to breathe, at times. There is a void, an emptiness inside of me that will not be filled. There is a pain in my soul that cannot find comfort. There are questions for which there are no answers. 

It is very late. I stood outside and looked up into the emptiness of the night. There were stars and a moon that bathed the mountain above our home with its sharp radiance. The trees softly reflected this same light of our lunar companion. The snow sparkled and glistened in its own way, but I hurt. I was drawn outside by the faint promise of Northern Lights. I found solitude and an odd loneliness - a deep longing for something beyond my reach. I called out into the vastness of the night sky for a sign, a word, a message - something, but there was only the darkness of the night, the twinkling of stars, the stark glow of the moon and an ever so faint hint of an aurora. 

"What do you want?" came the question to my heart. 

The question seemed ludicrous. I want Josiah back. I want one more conversation with him. I want to go fishing with him again, I want to hear his voice. I want to hold him again. I want to talk through the issues of life. At the very least, I want to hear from him and that he is ok. I yearned to know he is at peace. 

"And then what?" came a second question.

And then I will be ok..., but an image plagued my mind. I would have a simplistic proof, a simpleton's answer. I could see myself walking about as one who is devoid of the depth of a faith tested and proven in the midst of trial. I could see myself as one who dishes out the platitudes and cliches I have learned to deeply despise. I could see myself becoming what I now abhor - having a Polly Anna faith that is sickly sweet and a half inch deep.

Deep faith is not found in shallow wells.

A life without issue or trouble brings a fragility of the soul that will shatter at the falling of a leaf. 

Comfort does not produce resilience anymore than a tree sheltered from the wind produces a strong and beautiful tree that is able stand against the storms of life.

No, it is in the trial that faith grows strong. It is in walking through the valley of the shadow of death with nothing more than knowing that the Lord is with me. It is the act of holding in an open hand the questions that badger my mind and heart. It is in simple trust. It is in keeping my eyes set on the Light even as the winds blow and the waves crash against me. It is in the stillness of a starry night with the moon bathing the land and just the faintest hint of aurora. This is where faith grows strong. 

Do I want that conversation with Josiah? Desperately!

Would I trade that for the hard work of walking, believing, trusting, growing in faith? No, I would not trade, but I do want both, but only one door is available; only one path can be traveled; only one ticket can be selected. With a heart that is still writhing in agony and in the depths of pain and loss, I still choose the more difficult journey - so help me God.

-Michael