I am not having a good day.
Seven weeks.
Will there be a time when Mondays don't remind me of Josiah's murder?
Will I again reach a place of easy trust that God is "watching over" my family?
We are doing all the things they say "helps" in mourning...we've got our own routines - flannel Monday, memorial jewelry, etc. We've moved furniture around. We've paused traditions...we've put up the Christmas decorations, we are intentionally socializing, going about the normal...we're making space for all the emotions.
Honestly, nothing HELPS, much.
The ache doesn't go away.
Everything is "out of kilter" or "off." Family dynamics, sibling dynamics, caregiving, family gatherings, celebrations...everything is off...not bad...just off.
I have so many questions to which there may be no answers.
I have "happy" moments.
Today, I'm sad.
Life is hard, even when I name the good...when I relentlessly look beyond the circumstances. Yes, I can see God at work, there is joy and peace and so much love...but that doesn't mean I don't still feel and experience the ache, the pain, the emotions. Again, learning how to make space for ALL the emotions. I'm starting to think there aren't good and bad emotions...we are humans, emotions are...and we simply accept and deal with where our soul is. If I truthfully bring those emotions to God, He meets me there. Ignoring the emotions don't make me holier.
Yesterday we went to church with Cory and Arielle. Cory's sermon was on peace, and it was good and real. He mentioned the recent past...starting the week without peace and the need to focus on the Prince of Peace... and several came up to Dad after the service and said things to the effect of "We've been praying for you, we're sorry for your family's loss."
This led to the following conversation with Dad. "Did Cory lose someone in his family recently?"
"Josiah."
He said, "Josiah?"
I commented, "Josiah was murdered."
"Oh, yeah, I remember that."
He often says this when we have to remind him of something he's forgotten...like a quadruple bypass or that my brother is coming to visit.
I had been thinking he was handling grief well - maybe he isn't remembering.
There is nothing easy about navigating this Monday.
Hugs are welcome; prayers are always appreciated.
