The suspect is in custody. We will go to the arraignment this afternoon to provide victim impact.
I shared this on Facebook this morning. I don't have time, or energy, to pretty it up.
"How am I doing?"
We are raw, emotional, devastated and shattered. Our hearts are not breaking they ARE broken. We have always held ministry, people, in an open hand rather than a clenched fist, allowing God to move us and circumstances and people in and out of our lives. We have lived with "yes." Josiah's murder elicits a soul screaming NO. We know clenching our fists won't bring our beloved son back to us and his family, we will fight back to a place of yes. We know who our God is, we know He is faithful and still the platitudes grate. We are fairly real and authentic and this hurts. This isn't how it is supposed to be. And I believe Jesus weeps with us. I believe it is OK to lament and God sits with us in the lament until He gently leads us to solid ground again. We are not losing our faith, we are admitting this hurts terribly 3 days in. Life changed. Things I felt I knew have broken wide open and shifted to a deeper level. Yes, God is good, but He isn't a "safe" God..Ala CS Lewis. I believe God is comfortable sitting with our raw emotions, hurt, anger, confusion-grief. I know many of us are not as comfortable with others' raw emotions...some are. I trust God, AND I believe he invites us to grieve. As we take time to lament, He walks with us through it and heals deeply, as we grieve deeply. I want deep healing not surface platitude healing.
Some simply turn their back because they dont know what to say. We appreciate each of you. We will have grace with you when you say the right thing at the wrong time, please have grace with us if we snap or seem to be less than what you consider to be ideal in our response to grief. Yes, I know "This is the day the Lord has made," and I know I am to rejoice and be glad in it. I know the need to choose joy. It's just I believe my God is big enough to sit with me in the ashes as I wail and he is pleased I trust Him enough to be authentic with him.
I am NOT fine. Don't ask me how I am if you want a church face, a smile and a platitude. I can't manage the strength for that this day. If I admit to you how I truly am its because i trust you with my most tender broken pieces. I am sorry it is uncomfortable. I have been raised in ministry and served in ministry but just now i need to grieve hard without worrying about your response. And in some cases, please understand we stay away because we are concerned our grief is too much for you. If we snap it will hurt you. We will be OK. We KNOW deep down He carries us, He redeems, His mercies are new and perfect for every morning. His grace is so sufficient..even here. We are still in his care, even here. We have grown into a stubborn faith. We will eventually count it all joy, you know we will. We also know we heal best when we trust THAT authentic God enough to be honest with Him. I am truly sorry if our grief offends...3 days in and I want to grieve without worry about how it looks to others. If God can't be God here in the sad, angry, broken places he isn't the God I KNOW him to be.
That's how I am...I treasure a friend's response after texting to ask how I was last night. She offered anything i need coffee, conversation, silence. I told her I wanted to break things. She said she'd take me to the rage room and break things with me to my heart's content. She was real.
This morning I don't have the energy to break things. Kareen, a local friend sent this song. We cried, we laughed, we get it. It IS hard to say it is well with my soul when it hurts like hell. (Mike let me swear ::snort::). It doesn't mean I won't say it, it doesn't mean I don't trust a loving God...I just have to believe He knows and understands and just now, when the pain is so fresh, He welcomes me to sit in the ashes WITH him....because deep down I believe a loving Father God also grieves at the senseless pain in an evil, broken world. He knows I am human and sitting in the ashes will get me back to healing in the quickest way.
Praying for grace and strength for this day. Shew a novel...but that's how I am. ::snort::
