Friday, August 03, 2007

{From my journal}

My heart’s desire is to wholeheartedly, intensely, passionately pursue God. Not as an abstract…but the very heart of God.

It’s so easy to slide. Looking back over the past couple of weeks I see a pursuit of being a godly mother, a great homeschool teacher, a satisfying wife, an awesome Senior Protestant’s wife. I see a drive to have an organized home, dynamic women’s ministry, intimate relationships, lots of summer fun, the best curriculum picks for my family, a well stocked pantry/freezer, a healthy cholesterol lowering diet, a svelte body, freedom from pain….

None of these things are BAD. All are roles and activities, works if you will, created for me to walk in by GOD before I was even born. (Eph 2:10)

Certainly, a case MAY be made that in pursing faithful fulfillment of His call I am pursuing Him. . . but I sense there is more, more, more.

What’s my problem? I sense in the last couple of weeks that my focus, my emphasis has slipped. I don’t have to turn 180* from my Heavenly Father to get off course. Satan doesn’t have to get me to do a complete sell out, I only have to get 1 or 2* “off course” to miss my destination. Knowing this I often set aside times for “course corrections.”

I’ve awaken the last few mornings with the same drumbeat pounding in my spirit and with tears in my eyes. “Father, LORD, I want to pursue YOU above all else.”

I can’t let my focus, my drive, my intense desire for Him slip. There’s an ache, a desire, a craving in my being. I crave, and want to crave more, an intimate relationship with Christ. I crave this more than I crave attracting Michael’s attention, touch and affection. I crave His presence more than I crave Ghirardelli’s intense dark chocolate with mint….and when I sense this craving, this desire, this intensity slipping….it is time to quickly examine the need for a course correction.

I need to constantly check my bearings and make sure I’m pursuing HIM more than the works He has called me to or the blessing He so extravagantly showers on me. In our first pastorate there was a darling, godly, wise, elderly woman. It never failed that when an altar call was given she would hobble forward. Keep in mind this woman DEFINES the essence of a Godly Woman, and at 80 years of age, the entire small town KNEW it. Week after week, Michael would ask her how he could pray for her. We loved this woman. Week after week she would say “I just want more of Him. I just want to know Him more.” At the time, I prayed that Mildred could rest in Him…and quit striving. Now I get it. What an honor to be at her homecoming. How she and angels must have celebrated when she saw Jesus face to face. I see in Mildred a nearly perfect balance of rest and striving. Like Mildred’s love of Christ, my relationship with Christ is meant to be ever growing, ever deepening, totally fulfilling, but never quite enough….

I want it ALL.
©2008 D.R.G.