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| November 20th |
It seems the "hard" of this situation keep coming. Today, Josiah's car came to our home. The police still have his keys. We can't find a spare set. It seemed good to get it moved, and Carrie and Livie don't need it in their garage. I knew it was being towed here. And still...
My first thought as I caught the red flash coming down the driveway was, "Josiah's here!"
He often dropped by unannounced and Jamin had dropped by this morning without me knowing he was coming.
As I began to move towards the door to welcome Josiah, it all hit me again! The brain does play tricks.
I cried big and ugly.
I went out and watched until I had to quit watching. The tow truck driver was very empathetic, and he knew his job, as well. It turns out he knew Josiah. Josiah often called him to tow cars from Alpine and Legacy before that. He told us how sorry he was and said Josiah was one of the "good guys."
He told us he understood what we are feeling. He said the therapists will tell you they understand but they don't. Then he shared a personal story with so much tragedy and horror we had to admit we don't know what HE FEELS. Yes, he certainly understands our feelings.
It's nestled into a little spot. It will cause trouble for Shawn, our plow man. Michael said we'll move it when we get the keys from the police. The tow operator pointed out the messages on the back of his window. He told us the tenants called Josiah Big Daddy J and had left a note or two on the car.
I couldn't help myself. I looked inside. I would have sat inside if I could. Liv's toy...empty lunch containers... marks of a life cut suddenly short. It's all so senseless and hard. We miss him so much.
So, yeah, an emotional day - but it feels good to have the car secured and to be able to do this to help out is a blessing. It's another hard good.
I got most the fall stuff down. Michael began popping Christmas boxes inside...for the most part I've just looked at them...I did hang two wreaths. I mean that and a tree and we can call it good, right?
After this emotional day, this fall decor will stay until we're good and ready to move on. ::snort:: Fall is way too short in Alaska anyway!
Bringing his car home from Alpine where Josiah worked is one of the hard milestones we knew we'd pass along this journey. There remains many more emotional and legal hards to navigate.
Just a quick warning. This post may seem a bit "prickly." I am not apologizing for it - just giving any and all fair warning.
I've had a few interactions lately where I declined an activity and knew I was disappointing people. The activity doesn't really matter for the purpose of our discussion; they've been wide-ranging.
I made the comment in a family chat, "I think grief is making me selfish," and it seemed to me I needed to guard against selfishness. I've lived a life of service and other-focus, and it seemed I was sliding into an over-abundance of self-focus.
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| via google photos |
I evaluated what is working and what isn't...
I've realized people fall into at least two groups; one group leads to healing, the other group does not. This isn't the time to delve into that topic. Maybe it's another post...everyone believes they are expressing love.
Big groups like Sunday morning at ACF are working. Those who knew Josiah and the church's leadership know who we are, but we can also be mostly incognito. The added bonus is worshipping with many of our family. We understand the expectations, and there aren't a ton of surprises to trigger emotional breakdowns. Well, except when Mason swung into "Gratitude," I think all, but GG, lost it...but it was o.k. We were in church; people do cry during worship, and the lights are rather low.
Recently we have felt like going out, and we have begun reaching out to those who have been offering their presence and waiting until we were ready to socialize....and this is good. There has been so much loss. We really don't want to lose dear friends because we no longer attend the same church. There were tears at each outing but not overwhelming and no prolonged sessions of grieving sobs afterwards. Honestly, with more margin in our lives, we have TIME for more community.
Bigger social outings aren't working well at this point - be that family gatherings or social events. Eventually, the small talk and noise overwhelm me; my mind begins to wander, and I end up sobbing. Is that bad? Not necessarily. In a family gathering, I wasn't the only one with the problem. We simply cry when needed, laugh as needed and move on. I have heard from others who experienced something similar, and they say that eventually social outings go back to normal.
Here are my conclusions:
Self-care in this season IS
Boundaries: This one is always the hardest to figure out. I suspect a counselor will be able to help with this one; this is what I have come up with so far.
It is said, "A little child will lead them," (Isaih 11:6) and that does seem to be the case when I observe everyone in the family getting their Christmas decorations up. Even reluctant, grieving mamas are decorating, "For the kids."
Carrie and Liv, once again, had their stuff up EARLY. It's beautiful and I didn't grab a photo. Of course, I knew they needed something to spark joy, and they had HELP decorating.
I THINK CoRielle were next....though I think everyone hit at about the same time? I was sick - I'm fuzzy on details. Arielle and Carrie are usually early, but she hadn't wanted to decorate. BENNY was READY.
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| Sweet boy! |
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| 3 is such a fun age! Look at Danny's smile. |
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| Such a great decorator! |
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| She inherited the Eager Christmas Decorator gene. |
What about us here at Wibbly Wobbly Acres? Well - I simply didn't want to decorate and have no children dying to get it done. I deduced from past experiences I was the driving force of decorating and no one else really cared one way or the other. I decided I would be happy with a tree with lots of lights and the Willow Tree Nativity. I wasn't in a hurry because I am still reluctant to move into Christmas without Josiah. A friend said to be sure to talk to everyone about what they need and what is essential instead of pushing to "do it all." She is wise!
I discovered everyone around here loves lots of decorations - they just don't like the putting up part. They agreed, however, I didn't need to put it all up if I didn't feel like it. I offered to call in my tribe. I KNOW there are women who would come over here and decorate with me...or FOR me if I was on the couch in tears. I said I'd have hot drinks and snacks and get 3 or 4 women over. That IS an option. But at that point, I think it sounded too much like a party, and the family decided maybe they don't need it ALL up. ::snort::
Michael then confessed he hates to see the fall decorations come down too. I am considering leaving a bit of fall in the living room and moving in a few Christmas things.
This morning was my Tuesday with the Boys. They were so excited to show me their Christmas Books and Decorations.
Everyone got to pick a few to be read and we were occupied for a full hour. We also worked out and played with kits from "the closet." At one point Benny said, "Boys, Bachan has Christmas books at her house! AND a nativity." And just like that I know I'd best add books and the kids' nativity to the tree and Willow Tree nativity. It's true...kids do really lead. ::snort::
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| Charles had a certain way he wanted it all. |
The girls had an evening engagement. Michael proctors tests from Global University for Danny, a friend from MAG. He came over tonight to take the test. They are usually fairly quick...and the test was quick... I'm not sure when he went home...it was fun to sit and visit with Danny. Danny is the youth pastor at MAG. Allie works with him in the youth group.
I spent some time journaling - which helped me figure out what is helpful for me (this week) and what is not.
GRACE NOTES
1. A husband who does things to make me smile...the outside Christmas lights were on in the wee morning hours; my car was filled with gas, and he'd cleaned it after driving it. What a blessing he is for so many reasons.
2. Thankful for Josiah, a son who lived his life in such a way he had an impact way beyond his years. I pray my life has as big an impact.
3. Grandblessings!
4. Catching college girls for chats between their craziness.
5. A sweet note and homemade Lavendar soap and lotion from Twyla, a friend I dearly miss from our four years in Japan.
6. A letter and money to buy a memorial rose bush in the spring from Cindy, a friend from our assistant pastor days in Montana (1991).
NOTE: All children decorating photos were sent by respective parents. LOL
Five weeks. I miss that boy of mine greatly. Flannel Monday finds me sporting some sassy flannel! I began to understand the need to set healthy boundaries during this grief journey. Mike and the kids seem to understand this better than me, but I'm listening to what they said. It all began with my comment, "I think grief is making me very selfish." That's a separate post. This is going to be a FUN post.
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| Y'all gon' make me lose my mind up in here! |
Jared and Larissa hosted Thanksgiving. This was great as it allowed the family to connect, but in a new environment. The idea is it would help with missing Josiah. I'm not sure if it helped. It didn't help around here....things did not go as planned. Here are a few photos the gang shared. I KNOW there is one of Benny schooling everyone in cards...but I can't find it.
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| Noah's first Thanksgiving |
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| Jared carving his first turkey |
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| Noah approved of dinner |
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| Cousin play time |
You may note none of our household are in photos - because we didn't make it. I woke up Thursday with a wet pillow, leaking eyes and shivering. We HAVE checked with a doc and if you have no symptoms and are shivering it can sometimes be your body releasing trauma. I did a lot of shivering that first week or two after Josiah was killed. We all knew Thanksgiving would be hard - so I figured my body was reacting.
About an hour later I began throwing up. I threw up more in one day than I have in a 24-hour period since I was pregnant with Alex - the standard of all things nausea related. I ached everywhere, had a fever, chills, headache...that was Thanksgiving.
The five of us stayed home and I'm not really sure what they did. I was so sick I couldn't keep water or crackers down. The day passed with me fairly unaware of anything other than my personal misery. When I was awake, I grieved and cried. Day 2 and 3, I showed steady improvement. Day 4 - I felt fairly good except for fever blisters on my lips and sores inside my mouth/gums. Today I'm feeling good except for the sores.... Day 3 for me became Stacia's Day 1. She is feeling well and was up and at it today. Allie felt off and achy yesterday but is up and about today. Michael had a headache yesterday but seems fine today.
Michael and I had energy this morning. Stacia needed to check out the Christmas decorations at MAG so she could see if she needed to do anything with the Christmas play plans. I tagged along with her and Michael and picked up things I'd left at the church and needed here at home now that seasons have changed. I needed the crates I store oranges and apples in now that orange season is here. LOL
We dropped Stacia at college...Allie had a few hours before she needed to be at college and was with Dad. I suggested Michael and I grab some drinks and sit by the river. It was a golden opportunity to chat a bit and we headed off. The road down to the river was not plowed. I would have been trying to back out of there.... but Michael was driving, and he's got considerably more winter experience than I. We parked and were enjoying our solitude when a little PT Cruiser came down. He got stuck. He proceeded to spin, slide, and gun the motor. A couple other trucks came and left while he did this. None of them stopped to help. Then a white truck not only came down the road but pulled up near our van AND GOT STUCK. He was in a 4x4 truck, and it was obvious he was SURE all he needed to do was drop it into 4-wheel drive and gun the engine. He got stuck too! His front was sliding ever closer to our van and the stuck cruiser.
We didn't have a shovel and it appeared neither gentleman was interested in assistance...so we watched. Until the truck driver got crazier. Michael got out and talked to the young driver in the cruiser. He simply had no idea to back up, stay in his track, slowly accelerate...he just kept plowing full speed into new, deep, slushy snow and getting stuck. Once he understood what Mike meant, he was in good shape. Michael started digging the snow out from under his tires - with his hands. He jumped out and helped. Mike helped push him out of his hole...he backed back down the hill and got a great start. I'm sure he'll remember a new winter driving skill.
The 4-wheel drive truck? He just kept sliding around, throwing snow everywhere. Mike asked him if he'd like help and he didn't answer. Just kept gunning his engine. His wife got out and was yelling at him that he was going to slide into our van. Mike tried to help dig out his tires, but he kept gunning the engine and it wasn't safe. Michael joined us. His wife kept telling him to stop. He kept ignoring her and finally got himself loose. They zoomed up the hill. I would hope he learned having 4-wheel drive doesn't negate the need for winter driving skills.
We enjoyed talking, it was pretty funny to watch everyone slip and slide down the hill, I got a sun-starting-to-set photo at about 2:40 p.m. AND I remembered it's time to take the picnic blankets out of the car and put the winter stuff in...the bag of gravel, shovel, warm blankets.
I had just enough time to shovel our deck off and get dinner on the table, while Michael worked on his truck and getting our outside Christmas lights working. It felt good to get a couple of jobs done, and to get out with Michael.
GRACE NOTES:
1. Personal growth in a time of personal stress is a hopeful thing to experience. A family to support and correct you - priceless.
2. An impromptu date with Michael at the river complete with entertainment. - also, priceless.
3. VA came through with a great ruling - we simply need to send in another one or two forms and wait for some back payment. (We haven't heard anything back from the Social Security Administration).
One month.
It hurts - big.
Still.
It's hard to sing, "It is well with my soul," when it hurts this big.
It's hard to sing, "He has made me glad," when my heart is far from glad.
It's impossible to sing, "You're all I've ever wanted," with honesty.
I want badly for life to rewind to Oct 21st or Oct 22nd.
I want justice and accountability.
I want grace and revival.
And so, I don't sing those lyrics.
Because the God I know is big enough to invite honesty.
The God I love doesn't require me to put a church face on the pain.
He doesn't rush things like healing and restoration. He certainly doesn't slap Band-Aids on life-threatening wounds in order to have things look nice and pretty and make others comfortable.
This year I am not glad.
My soul is still tormented with questions.
Yet, I AM THANKFUL this Thanksgiving.
He walks this path with us.
He grieves with us.
He understands and is patient with the process of healing.
He is still faithful.
He still loves.
He is still kind.
He is still just.
He is still angry at the evil one and the evil he instigates.
I understand a bit more about a parent's heart that grieves and is angry at the unjust taking of His son - there was thunder, lightning and an earthquake when His son was killed...though his son chose to lay down his life. For us. And He deemed it was "worth it, my future was worth it."
This year I'm not thankful for promotions, new jobs, the family all being together. We won't be. Someday we'll all join Josiah in heaven - but this is not that day.
This is not that "Happy" Thanksgiving.
This is thanksgiving in the midst of the painful night.
This is a more costly giving of thanks.
It will be well with my soul.
I will be glad again.
His grace does hold.
I see glimmers of good in the midst of the tragic.
But this Thanksgiving Day I wake with tears.
And God is not impatient or angry with me.
I miss Josiah.
I miss past gatherings.
I miss what was planned and will not be.
A different song runs through my mind.
"Your promise still stands
Great is Your faithfulness,
faithfulness
I'm still in Your hands
This is my confidence,
You've never failed me yet.
I've seen you move, You move the mountains
And I believe I'll see You do it again.
You made a way, when there was no way
And I believe I'll see You do it again.....?
I can't seem to embed the video but you can listen to the whole song by Elevation Worship here.
And THIS
Josiah's favorite song. I'd never seen the official lyric video before. Packs a punch. Let me tell you about my Jesus.
These holidays are coming really soon on the heels of our loss of Josiah. Tomorrow will be one month since he was killed. I don't have adequate words. Thank you for your prayers. We need them.
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| Josiah and Michael this summer |
I REFUSE to let Tuesday slip away without sharing some Grace Notes and capturing some thoughts from the day. As it's late I'll share the BLUF (Bottom Line Up Front). I am grateful today for community and for God preparing us for a season of change about to come...
I began the day with the boys...Arielle had a couple of meetings to attend. Family is a vital part of the community which surrounds us. Danny was moving too quickly for photos today.
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| Charles is intent on sorting |
I was blessed when another co-op member and neighbor messaged me and asked if she could bring our produce to us rather than me making the trip to the next town. Linda is a sweet part of our community. I agreed it would be a big help because I was already running out of energy at 10:30 a.m.
I have a friend, Brenda, who lost her husband three years ago. Unfortunately, I didn't understand what she needed in that season, and was not the support I could have been. Though, to be clear, I THOUGHT I was offering what she needed. ::sigh:: As often happens life swirled around both of us, and we moved in different directions. We lost contact with one another for a couple of years. 32 days ago, we reconnected. We met for tea, shared our hearts and agreed we wanted to meet again - soon. It was a good touch of community for both of us. I shared with Brenda that day I was feeling unsettled...
29 days ago, Josiah was shot and killed. Brenda watched as the news reports began to add details and reached out to me. She knew the grief, the inability to think clearly, the pain we would be experiencing. She also understood when she reached out and I simply wasn't in an emotional place to meet. She assured me she would be around when I was ready...and so today we met for soup and tea. I had questions and thoughts I've been saving to bounce off a counselor, group or someone who has journeyed this way.
I was astounded it had only been 32 days since we previously met. My life has totally changed. It feels like an eternity, and it feels like a blip - all at the same time. We shared. I asked questions. We cried. She asked questions. I cried some more. She let me know while it doesn't feel I'm making progress, I AM. She shared her experiences with various local resources. I'm sorry to have missed a Grief Share group covering the holidays...She encouraged me to MAKE the phone call to Hope to Alaska and get counseling set up for ME...and then to consider joining a Grief Share group. It was a good visit...and I'm thankful Brenda is part of my community.
I'm in awe God brought us back together at just the time when I would need her most. She is right - we are kindred spirits, and it is good to be back in relationship.
I got home and there were packages from a few friends who don't live close...again...community.
CHECK OUT THE WATCH BAND for my new watch! Julia's wise encouragement has been such a help. This band looks like flannel - it's perfect. Anna sent me the mug with fireweed and forget-me-nots on it...and the book...I think it's going to be a good one. I'm thankful for community spanning a lifetime and literally the world via Facebook and such.
Linda showed up with our bag of produce and 1/2 case of oranges. We've not been eating produce. It seems like a good step to begin moving back to normal habits. Linda gave me an in-person hug and said I can call if I ever want to talk, cry or shout! Community.
I am also grateful for what we now see as little hints life was about to change. Two weeks before Josiah was killed Michael had a dream. He came out and told all of us. The dream was ominous though he couldn't remember why. In the dream our life was changing, and we were stepping away from many of our responsibilities. None of us felt a need to immediately jump on the dream...but we prayed for clarity. Two weeks later we found ourselves grieving murder and stepping away from all our ministry responsibilities to be able to change our focus to helping family through this season.
The sermon at Josiah and Carrie's church the DAY before his death was on grieving and the fact that GOD IS ALWAYS GOOD.
The same day I was reading in the gospels before church and read about the rich young ruler. I noted and dated in the margin a few thoughts. "Jesus fingered that which the young man treasured. What do I treasure most?" I jotted down community, health, family. "Would I be willing to follow if it cost all that I treasure?" I was contemplating these things on Monday - before and after the fateful phone call.
Also providential is that Carrie and Josiah had gotten Livie into counseling as a proactive measure with lots of upcoming changes in her life. Because of this Liv had an established relationship with a counselor when life blew up.
I am nothing if not theologically honest....and so realizing God HAD prepared us for change...I found myself wrestling with WHY He didn't DO SOMETHING if He knew what was going to happen. I don't have answers. Other than I know God is good. I know He is still with us. I know we are seeing answers to many long-term prayers from the situation. I know He restores and redeems as we live in a broken world which contains evil.
It's been 29 days...its o.k. to have questions. It's o.k. to have good days as well as bad days. Our lives changed 29 days ago. I changed 29 days ago - and I have yet to fully see or understand how.
Please join us in continuing to pray for our family as we journey through the Holidays and this challenging season of grief. Pray for the young lady whose life we value so dearly. Pray for the young man sitting in jail in Anchorage...we pray for both justice and salvation. I will admit there are days I pray a bit harder for justice, but God is changing my heart.
GRACE NOTES
1. Community- relationships which bless both near and far.
2. Hints from a loving God that something was coming.
3. I cooked a real dinner - and my family was appreciative.
4. Jared and Larissa are hosting the family this year for Thanksgiving - and I believe this is a lifeline for this first holiday.
I wake up one more morning with my first thought being, "Josiah is not here."
Followed by the thought that today is our monthly Family Gathering. It is probably not the first Gathering Josiah has missed but it's another first to navigate. The first Gathering he can't physically be with us.
There will be laughter and probably some tears. We will be gentle with each other and celebrate for the kids. There will be comfort in being with each other. We may discover the gender of baby S.
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| Family Gathered in 2008 |
Last night, at the end of Michael's birthday he commented, "He didn't call." I suspect there will be that same sense of missing mixed with the gathering today. There will also be intentionality to connect, and you can be sure I will be present to say goodbye to each precious one as they say goodbye.
#CourageousJoy #superflycy #FamilyGathering #teamgirl #teamboy #TeamGrand #MissingJosiah
Ah, MAN! This has been a tear-filled, emotional day. We are realizing some days we're up and some days we're down.
This is Michael's birthday. His first one without Josiah. We weren't sure if he'd want decorations or not. It turns out he wanted to sleep in - and that works.
Allie and I decided to jump back into Bible Study. It was hard good. Revisiting our answers from 3 weeks ago, adding to them from this perspective, seeing how God was preparing us to walk out truths in a deeper way...It was hard, it was good.
I wondered as we arrived if the staff would know about our loss and why we haven't been around for a few weeks. I am usually in the cafe at least twice a week for one-on-one studies; sometimes more. I guessed a waitress would say they had missed us, and I was trying to decide how much would be appropriate to share. We walked in and the manager came out of the kitchen to hug me and voice condolences...and we teared up...she was great. Another waitress told us she prays for us daily.
We came home. Allie studied. Stacia and I dug her car out and shoveled around some cars. Allie came out and shoveled the ramp. Michael got up and we headed out to another restaurant for his birthday lunch. I'd not warned him what may happen. Sure enough, the waitress came over and told us how she heard about Josiah's death. She sat and cried when she was told one day at the restaurant it was our son who was shot and killed in Anchorage. We teared up again.
This showed us two things. We live in a small town where people really do care for one another. And, honestly, if you're avoiding mentioning someone's loss because you don't want to make them remember, feel bad, or cry....THEY ALREADY DO REMEMBER AND FEEL BAD. I was remembering meeting Josiah, Carrie and Liv after ice-fishing on another winter day as we walked in. I KNOW HE'S GONE. I MISS HIM. It's not going to crush me if you share a bit of the weight...even if I tear up, I'm thankful you care. Being comfortable enough to speak up and deal with any resulting tears shows you care. It will be awkward if you don't address the elephant in the room.
The family dropped me off at CoRielle's after lunch. I was set to watch Charles. The rest of their family were going to the docs for an ultrasound, but Charles doesn't care for small, confined spaces. Charles wanted to read. He loves to have me read to him, and I like to do it. I told him to get his best, favorite book. He brought this one over...I'll Love You Forever....
"I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be."
I knew I was in trouble...but I had PROMISED him his pick. I began reading...my voice wobbled, my eyes leaked...the boy in the book grows...and then he's an adult and Mama dies, and he goes home to his baby and repeats the refrain his mama had always shared with him...and it was all too much. Josiah will never again say it to Liv or ever say it to Josi and I totally lost it. As I read the book, I'd read to Arielle, to her son...
Sweet Charles looked at me, took the book and said, "Bachan, let's put this away. Let's read the heart book."
Y'all CoRielle have worked over a year for Charles to show empathy for other's feelings, for him to begin to understand emotions. The "Heart Book" is one that talks about how our heart's feel...sometimes happy and light as a balloon...sometimes sad like an elephant is sitting on your heart... sometimes angry...Charles was NOTING my emotions and RESPONDED to my feelings...he thought the heart book may help.
Michael's gifts haven't arrived, but we gave him cards and told him what will be arriving in time.
Allie, Stacia and I wrote memories of Josiah in a journal. Olivia wants memories...and we're trying to collect them.
GG went to bed, and we pulled out the small ice cream cake for tonight. The big one is for tomorrow's celebration - GG shouldn't splurge that much two days in a row.
GRACE NOTES:
1. Supportive community - even when it's awkward at times.
2. Sweet time with Charles.
3. Good memories.
4. Another year well-lived for Michael.
