Tuesday, April 02, 2024

A Tough Day

Today was not a good day and thus there is a bread photo! Actually, I didn't even bake bread today so it's an "activating starter" photo and not even a bread photo. We've been giving bread away lately and so I wanted to try to get two different things going today so I can bake both a Sourdough Boule and some sourdough dinner rolls tomorrow. 

It's been a hard day. I've never been prone to tears at the drop of the hat...but shoot the hat doesn't even have to fall these days for my tears to flow. I'm tired of it.  I'm tired of forgiving. I'm tired of choosing to love the unlovable. I'm tired of living with the unthinkable. I'm a bit tired of winter...and I am not looking forward to all the work the melting snow will uncover either. I'm tired thinking about yard work, house projects and gardening. 

I want what I can't have. I have surrendered, I've forgiven, I have hope, I accept the emotions - tears and joy...but really there is a missing piece which I'm realizing is simply not going to be filled. I'm tired of trying to learn to live without Josiah. 

So often a random sight or comment or thought, "I'd love to hear Josiah's thoughts on this," brings tears.  

How DID he create community wherever he went? As an introvert no less. It wasn't "second nature." 

How do you balance the needs of so many - when the needs are conflicting?

How would you help X with Y and Z? 

I need you to fix the budget spreadsheet again - can you show me one more time? 

How is any of this going to work out? 

And so, it's just been a hard emotional day. Michael's health is not doing well with the added stress of grief.  We're trying to get in to see a neurologist - but then his neurologist now lives in the lower 48 and flies up here to see patients every so often.  It all just blew today...I couldn't have even said WHY I was crying...

Then Stacia called on Allie's phone...oh yes, another thing that happened. Stacia had her phone in her jacket pocket when she went out to help shovel snow on Sunday. She didn't mention it was missing until everyone went home and it was dark. On her way out to the car to go to school she heard her phone vibrating....under the snow somewhere. I searched for over an hour for the thing. I couldn't find it. Shawn came to plow the driveway....we may find it when the snow melts in real spring...or summer...

Stacia got out of class early and was calling to see if I'd like to go with her to get a new phone. Michael told me to go - it may help to go. 

We got her a new phone and will try to set it up tomorrow. 

Michael made a great dinner for us - fried chicken, broccoli, corn and toasted sourdough bread. Stacia went to do some more homework. Michael and I cleaned up dinner. GG decided it was time for bed. Michael got him settled. I blogged. I decided to call it a day and not blog THIS DAY - TUESDAY but putting on a happy face isn't authentic. 

Anyway - I decided to watch the Baxter's on Prime Video - based on the Karen Kingsbury novels. I hadn't thought how the whole scenario in the first book would feel from this perspective....but I do recommend the series...with a warning for those who have had a loved one shot while his young wife was pregnant, ironically the character in the show is named Kari... it didn't turn out to be a great escape from the grief...but then again it gave me a reason to let the tears flow.  ::hiccup::  I should have thought ahead and skipped the final episode of Season 1.  I was pleasantly surprised there are already season 2 and 3 on prime. 


1. Michael - I can't think of anyone with which I'd rather journey through this mess. 

2. Daughters that want to spend time with me - even when I'm in a funk. 

3. Thirty-four great years with Josiah.  And the lovely girls he brought into our lives! 

4. Carrie and the girls are home! 

5. It really was great to have Michael make dinner.