Keeping it real. I'm having a BLAST and we are loving our time
together - but there's a lot about life I'm having a hard time surrendering
right now.
We ran our Air Force race hard. We crossed the finish line. We're in the part where you collapse at
the end, enjoy the joy of knowing you left it all on the course, collect a few
high fives and regain energy to run again - on a NEW course.....to hear at this
point there's another Air force lap to run ....no matter how fun the course
has been, it's not a happy place.
We've TASTED retirement and we love it. We love having Michael
more present. We love being able to rest and relax without either of us
worrying about our ministry to do lists, Michael's short notice supsenses or Air
Force "stuff." We love asking God where and what He'd have us do and
KNOWING we CAN do just that immediately....without Air Force approval, career
consequences, leave approval et al.
In June we were told Michael did not have Parkinson's Disease.
Japan was back on course - with a bit of a detour as we went through the typical
end of tour VA claim. We'd hit Japan - rested and ready. We'd spend the time
waiting for the VA to process the claim learning Japanese.
31 Aug, the day we turned our key over to our landlord, we
heard a diagnosis of Parkinsonism with the understanding it seems to be Parkinson's
Disease, but we won't know until he
weans from current meds and tries Levodopa. Staggering news....and in the process of
figuring out what it means for our plans to minister in Japan......
11 Sept, base doc explains he thinks it best in the long run
if he submits Michael's retirement for a medical hold and a medical evaluation
board. I love this man's heart to be sure the Air Force does the very best for
us....but ....
We ran that course. We're in the high-five stage. We don't want
to have to run another lap. We like the now.
But now...we're in limbo. We may be called back to Beale, or we
may not be called back to Beale. We may have to fight the VA to have
Parkinsonism/Parkinson's listed as service connected, or we may be another year
active duty while the DoD takes care of the classification and sets up the
course of treatment.
What happened to the great faith I had in May and June? It's
still there. I know God is in control....but I've been angry. I don't
understand WHY we were told "all's well" in June....it seems, TO ME, God could have orchestrated this lap better. An
MEB would have been better to start in May/June - before we moved out of our
home, before Michael's ministry was replaced, before we assumed we were going
back to Japan again.... God HAS been speaking to me.
I know He is good.
I know I can trust Him.
I know my anger has built a wall - which He delighted in
smashing through.
Finally - it comes down to surrender - again.
I surrender and together we tear down the wall.
It comes down to the prayer that never fails, "Yet, not
my will, but Yours be done."
I have no idea which plan to pray for - a call back or a call saying
to continue on....but God knows. There HAS been good in this interlude - we
have tasted life after the Air Force - and we like it. We've enjoyed 6 weeks of
enhanced family life - and it's good. We're resting - and it's very good.
If we get called back - it won't be pretty - but we'll find
the reserves and gut it out - we'll run another lap as faithfully as we can -
trusting in what we know of God.
He is gracious.
He is faithful.
His mercy is new every morning.
He loves us.
He is working to give us the delights of our hearts - not
necessarily the NOW pleas which don't always accurately reflect the desires of
our hearts. He loves us too much to be side-tracked by my emotions.
The wall is down.
Even here - His hand upholds me - "Not my will, but Yours
be done." *Note on 11 Sept we were told we should hear within 2 months if they are putting Michael on hold. The MEB process would mean he goes back to work for 12 - 18 months while they get him on meds, work through the DoD/VA paperwork and let us retire - with regular retirement and VA disability/care ready to start.
