Friday - it has felt like a very long week.
I've been sad the past couple of weeks. There's no rhyme or reason for when emotions hit, or when they go numb. I'm about ready for mine to go numb for a bit. ::snort:: I've gotten used to random tears, but this level of sadness is something new. I've been struggling with being so disappointed with God. I talked with another family member who shared a struggle with anger recently and had been initially disappointed with God. I WAS angry but now I'm sad and disappointed. I guess we're all just cycling through emotions at different rates and speeds. Note - I KNOW how very good God is. I just sort of thought He would do all the amazing "hedge of protection, psalm praying and believing" type of work in our lives...and He didn't. I'm not having a crisis of faith. I'm honestly expressing my emotions and lament to God and HE MEETS ME THERE. Pastor Brian asked us last Sunday to "name the offense so it can be healed." I immediately thought of a couple of offenses...and realized while I wouldn't say I'm offended at God; I am terribly sad and disappointed. I named it - God is healing it.
I also loved the focus this week on my part and God's part in forgiveness. Justice is HIS part. He's a good father and he takes seriously the abusing and taking of one of his children's life. While the legal system may tie me in knots...it's not MY job to get justice for Josiah. I have forgiven the accused murder defendant. While I will pray for the legal system to work, I KNOW ultimately a loving God will make sure there IS justice.
I'm not a saint y'all. At this point I wake daily to find I need to forgive Mr. JJ again...or maybe it's affirming I have already forgiven him...or most likely...I forgave him months ago and as each new impact of that offense becomes apparent, I have to forgive that as well. I'll leave it to the theologians to figure out which it is...I only know it IS a daily walk.
All this focus on soul condition and mental health is HARD WORK.
I am thankful for the verses on forgiveness, justice, trust, boundaries and shaking the dust off your feet the girls and I have been looking at this week. Good conversation with Stacia yesterday and another good conversation - though it went different directions - today with Allie. Lots of processing going on for all of us lately. Our church series on forgiveness, with accompanying devos is timely for our family.
In an effort to stretch out my counseling visits, I've been going every two weeks. The girls are going to various therapists weekly. I'm thankful Hope to Alaska picked up my sessions or I would not have gone...and I DO think it is helpful. Even just co-pays add up in these days of inflation. ::snort:: I have been joking to the family I started therapy last, and I was about to become the first graduate from counseling. ::snort:: Today, was to be my last session. He asked how I was doing, and I admitted I've been sad... a lot sadder than I have previously been. We talked through some things I knew I needed some input for...and then he said, "I would like to ask Hope to Alaska if we can extend your sessions. Is that ok with you?" I agreed. We will meet next week and hopefully know if they will pick up more sessions. If not, I'll probably wait until one or both of the girls graduate. LOL
I got home just in time to pack for the weekend.
GRACE NOTES:
1. Counselor/therapists who care and have the tools to give that extra boost when you can't quite see your way through the fog.
2. Family and friends with which to journey.
3. The word of God written and whispered.
