Whew!
This has been a hard week. Is it nearly over? ::snort::
Yesterday was the 6yr anniversary of Mom's "passing." It was a rough day for my emotions. HOWEVER, Michael and I made significant progress on a project moving rooms around and setting up a guest room.
Jenni dropped by for tea and stayed for dinner. I really am a terrible blogger. No photos to show at all. I DO love sitting around the table with friends.
I slept well last night - the longest I've slept without pain in years. We have a new mattress (part of the project we've been working on).
I woke up feeling "blue." Maybe I thought yesterday would be a hard day and I made it through...today should have been smooth sailing? I don't know what I was thinking.
I cried through my morning time with Jesus - while praying, worshipping, reading the word or sitting - the.whole.way.through.
Dad rang his bell, and my day was off and running.
I had a full day planned and I was thinking I shouldn't have made plans. THAT is what is so HARD about NOW that people don't understand. On a day when I feel like I could tackle the world I make plans...and then sometimes it's just a bad day and I don't know when it will hit. Yes, I can power through and do...but it makes me reluctant to schedule anything because I never know what it will be like when the day arrives! I don't know how others are handling this - I realize if we had a job we'd have to compartmentalize much more and show up.
After getting Dad settled, I had a fantastic zoom with my high school roommate. You wouldn't have wanted a screen shot - believe me this is not a good hair or make up day. LOL I have a blog post rattling around in my head about friendships...I really should get it written...but let me just say Lorelei was a GOD-SEND this a.m. She in Pennsylvania and me in Alaska...together via Zoom. And we re-entered the room twice. I knew Lor would be a good one to connect with as she has walked this path, years ago when she and her husband lost their beloved son, Daniel. She, and a couple of others have offered to talk; I've not felt up to talking. Today, I did. She let me ramble and talk about nothing at all and over-share my feelings on having a child who is a murder victim and the dynamic it adds to grieving...and the legal system... I told her some days I'm doing good and today I wasn't...and she affirmed its o.k. Life is going to be different, and I don't HAVE to try to get back to some socially acceptable "normal." She also suggested a way to handle the problem I mentioned with scheduling events. She's so wise and gracious. " I wonder if you could say, 'I would love to spend time with you and today it sounds wonderful. If the day we pick turns out to be a bad day, may I cancel?'" Um. YES. That's almost exactly what my book on grief recommended I say! Boundaries with grief....I'd love to do it if it's a good day, can I have the freedom to back out if I need to...or maybe just run out to the car for a breather or change the event from a lunch to a coffee???? Our talk would have been such a blessing just for that little interchange. Seeing how such a simple little boundary could help made me feel strong enough to head out for my lunch date...and with that caveat have the confidence to schedule more outings. Shoot...this is just what my wise daughter in law Carrie has done. "We'd love to come, can we let you know how we are feeling when the day comes?" I'm a sloooow learner. LOL
Mona, Joann, Rebeka and Melany along with their youth Andrew and Lorelai met me at Sophia's for a yummy lunch. I was determined to try this month's special. It didn't disappoint. It was fun to have the time out with these ladies - some of the best in the world. They weren't alarmed with my wonky sharing tendencies...odd things pop out at odd times...and if I teared up it would have been fine. They were content to chit chat and they were content to go deeper when I wanted to. I was glad I went...and remembering I really could have backed out made me WANT to go.
I got home to find Cory, Arielle and the boys were at our house. Just seven weeks ago we would not have had the margin in our lives to drop everything and be totally present with Cory and Arielle on a Wednesday afternoon. We "sort of" settled the boys with an iPad so we could visit, as the family/playroom is torn up. I didn't have to rush out to the church. We weren't preoccupied with what we needed to do. We were able to listen and laugh and enjoy time with them.
The girls got home from college. Stacia has taken her last final of this semester! She's totally done until the new semester begins Mid-January! Allie took the same final and has one more left for tomorrow morning. Woot!
We threw together a kid-friendly meal from bits and pieces in the pantry and freezer and enjoyed more community around the table.
And Michael entertained the boys while the gals cleaned up...and Cory snuck out to shovel our front...I swear all the snow from the roof slid off in the night and landed right at our front step...it was a mountain to climb over to get to my car.
It did my heart good to see Michael and the grands enjoying each other. Grands have a way of bringing a touch of healing to life.
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| Papa and Danny |
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| Papa and Charles |
