Thursday, March 13, 2008

Adding Days to our Lives....

I suppose I can be a bit dense. God ALWAYS shows me things through my time in the Word. Always.

He KNEW this would be the week when I was struggling with drug choices et. al. WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD DRUG CHOICES FELL ME LIKE THEY HAVE?  Surrender is tough. I walked through our last miscarriage with sincere trust and rest in the fact that God was in control - that was BIG - and really taking a drug isn't that big, but I woke up in tears this a.m. It is just so HARD to know what to do with all the lab results and doctor's voices.

Bottom line: knowing and believing that God is sovereign I have STILL allowed myself to be very worried about taking a Cat X drug that would present problems if I get pregnant. I've been presented with another option. That option first led to elation (see post earlier this week) and then to confusion as I read that there seem to be heavy indicators of nasty side effects.

I've been fighting. I've been angry. I've been sad. I'm learning to let the anger/emotions motivate me to work out and keep making good choices (as opposed to throwing in the towel and eating a double, bacon, cheeseburger with large fries AND a SODA!). I look at Stacia and remember my "heartless" (JUST KIDDING) doctor saying "Would you like to be around to raise your youngest child?"  And I know that I will keep plodding along. I do want to be here.

I've worried. BUT GOD knew that I would be worried this week. I've read Matthew, Mark, Luke...and THREE times this week I've read that worry will not add a single day to my life. THREE times I've read to seek first His kingdom. THREE times I've read that the Father cares for me. THREE times I've read that the worries of this world can choke out the work of the Word in my life.  It almost seems like Someone was in that rash decision to read the Bible in 90 days - Someone knew that I would need to read these passages over and over this week before they would germinate. Someone knows my heart (that I desire to serve Him wholeheartedly and dwell minute by minute in His presence), and yet, I'm dense at times. I spent my time on the bike today praying. I'm getting it. I'm giving the worry to Him. He knows.

I'm praying for wisdom to sort through the haze of info and make a wise decision. Mike is a huge help here because you all know that I wouldn't be doing any drugs if HE hadn't put his foot down and told me to listen to the doctor. ::snort::

I plan to make a chart. ::snort:: Yes, a CHART. I will list each drug, the side effects, how it works, what effect it may have on pregnancy, and then I'll be able to SEE a bit clearer. Yes, I know that my Bible Study ladies will get a kick out of that admission. I shared this with Liz, a fellow homeschooler, and she told me that I'm "such a homeschooler."  LOL I'm going to make a chart in my next spare time slot, and I wrote all this out to let you know that I've determined to surrender this to God and quit the worrying - as many times a day as I need to.

I'm remembering DO NOT FRET! Choose Joy! my personal mantra. Isn't it totally silly that I could sail through a miscarriage and be undone by DRUG CHOICES??????


What a Week...

This week has been far too busy! I've had appointments, commitments, etc OUTSIDE of the home every day of the week. I used to love running. Now I have big commitments INSIDE my home, and I would rather stay home and do them justice. Things will not let up until at least Monday - and then we'll be into a busy week with Lent services etc. I guess another week.
Add to this the constant refrain that I must make "workouts" a priority, and I don't have enough time in the day, but the end of March is coming...
I have freely admitted that I was FAR too busy in outside ministry at Elmendorf.  I'm feeling that I'll slide back into that shortly if I don't nip this in the bud.  Let the nipping begin. ::snort::