Fun Day with Josi

Livie went sledding with Uncle Jared and Uncle Jamin yesterday afternoon/evening. 

It was a blessing to sit and process this season of seconds, Sunday's sermon and life with Carrie. 

And today.... a full day with Josi girl! Livie had school and Carrie had work. Josi is nearly 10 months old. 

She's learned so many new tricks. She's a busy little girl these days. She crawls, loves her toys, feeds herself AND she goes down for naps like a dream. LOL  

Livie came home briefly but left for a game night at their life group. It was a great mini-vacay with the girls. 

GRACE NOTES: 

1. Time with the family. 

The Long Weekend

 Black Friday and it was -1 degree outside! There is nothing I needed bad enough to go out. I wanted to make myself go out because I wanted to join the girls shopping...but honestly, I wanted more to begin taking down fall decor and to think about Christmas decorations.  

The festive Christmas feeling changed for me the year Mom died on Dec 12th. I just haven't been into it as much as I used to...and I was quite ready to skip all decorations last year and this year...but it seems my family that doesn't really like to decorate DOES like to have it decorated.  THIS year I knew I would be spending Sunday in town with Carrie and the girls and Monday watching Josi and then visiting with Liv when she got home from school....so I needed to make progress Friday and Saturday or it wasn't happening until Tuesday or later....

All that led me to stay home and start taking fall decor down. My goal for the day after Thanksgiving was to get the fall stuff done and the tree up. I didn't make it. I DID get everything DOWN. I cleared a little spot Saturday morning for Dad to eat. ::snort:: 

I missed Black Friday. Not to worry our area has Shop Small Saturday (or some such S's) and the girls were going to do that too. Guess what? It was STILL ridiculously cold to park and walk for hours. Allie and I decided, "No."  I STILL didn't have the fall stuff PACKED nor the tree up. I dreaded putting our big, beautiful tree up. It's TOO BIG for our small living room. It takes over...but we like the lights...I told him I'd like to get a "pencil tree" as it would fit the spot better. Also - quite honestly - I decorate my tree with pictures of the kids through their growing up and it really was quite painful to see one little boy smiling up at me last year. I'm SURE I WANT it up - but it hurt. I thought maybe in the family room where we'll be eating and hosting.  He agreed. My goal on Saturday was the same as Friday "Get the fall stuff packed away, and get the tree up."  

Krista and Stacia met Arielle in town for more outdoor winter shopping. I made plans to meet them at one of my new favorite places, "Sweet Gypsy" for lunch. 

Stacia, Krista, Arielle shopping in negative temps

Stacia came home but Krista, Arielle and I had lunch. Mona, Luke's mom, and sister joined us. It was  great holiday fun! I was ready to head for Wasilla to hunt up a pencil tree and Michael had seen a Black Friday sale on a patio heater he wanted me to pick up. I realized the girls were home studying and GG wouldn't have to come out but maybe Michael would like to. He did. We headed out. We found a pencil tree...it shocked me that a skinnier tree would cost so much money...and then I saw the Grinch tree....and Michael saw the Grinch tree...and it made us giggle. It appealed to us. It fits in the spot. It came with lights and decorations. I got the tree up! 

While Michael put the patio heater together I packed away the fall decorations. I also baked some pizzas which was a good thing as Stacia had a friend over for dinner and studying....

Millie is unsettled and moping around as everything has been moving and changing.....I feel bad for her - though she IS much quieter. 

Sunday morning, I began an advent study. 

We ended up taking 3 cars to church. The girls wanted to come home immediately after lunch. GG ended up driving in with me and home with them. Michael brought the truck and came over to help Carrie clear out Josiah's fishing, snow showing, hiking, guns. We are going to become the family's "Outdoor Rec." Going ice fishing, come check out what you want. Jamin and Jared came to help Michael. I brought the van in as you know I am enjoying my mini-vacation.... afternoon/evening discussion with Carrie, playing with Josi and catching up on blogging while she naps. It IS lovely! I get to do it again in a couple of weeks. I'm a blessed Bachan.  

December? I am trying to figure out how November went so very FAST!!!!

GRACE NOTES:

1. I am loved well by God. My relationship with Him brings me hope - even in the pain. 

2. It is such a blessing to have time with Carrie and the girls! 

Random Glimpses of November

The monthly post where I capture incidents or photos which I didn't already blog this month. 

Danny has been working hard at speech therapy and this month he graduated! It's been fun to watch his personality become more outgoing as he has gained more confidence he will be understood! We're proud of him...and we love the insights he is sharing these days. 

Livie and Josi (10 months on the 7th)

Livie and Carrie - do you SEE how quickly Olivia is growing up? 

Bre's gang! I love it! 

F- Trudy, Jojo
B Bella, Gideon, Annie

Ellie Rae turned 8 months old on the 27th (or maybe it's the 28th?)

Noah is a budding chef and loves to help in the kitchen. Here he stirs up the deviled egg mixture for Thanksgiving. 

All photos courtesy of Mamas - BreAnne, Carrie, Lariss and Arielle!  

Season of Seconds

I have felt this post forming and have decided to simply get it out BEFORE I blog all the picture worthy moments of Thanksgiving. These are my thoughts while "going through" - they aren't tied up with a pretty red bow. 

"How was this year's Thanksgiving?"

"It will get easier when you get through the year of firsts." 

But does it? Really?

We heard this so many times in the past year. We expected it.  Maybe for some this is true. This had been our experience in previous losses of babies and our parents. The first year was excruciating and it got "easier" as time went on. Even now I'm not sure it got "easier" as much as we became more adept at hiding and stuffing feelings and presenting the picture-perfect faith which was expected of a Christian pastor's family. 

This loss has stripped us of much. There is the original devastating loss of Josiah's presence, but there are so many secondary losses...of ministry position, of friends we thought would be our forever community who have simply not been able to provide a ministry of PRESENCE, of daily routine, of theological stances we thought were long settled. Somehow, we let ourselves think we'd hit the one-year survival mark and things would be easier with each month and year that passed. The holidays were so close to Josiah's loss I think we were in denial not fully grasping how long this absence would be last year. The reality of the nature of the loss NOW hadn't set in - yes, we have hope in the future - but NOW it hurts! 

We are in the season of seconds now. Things still really hurt.  We begin to feel the finality of the loss. It's harder to pray for the soul of the one who robbed us of Josiah's life, than it was right at first. We sense the length of this loss.  We have been let down, we have seen others come close to walk with us, there are days with only "tears" and not "ugly crying" but it's been hard since October and it's still hard. 

Because of childhood trauma trust has been a hard-won area for me to learn to live out. When we began having children it took decades before I could trust they would not be abducted or molested...it was the earthquake in Japan - being separated from my family which finally convinced me I could trust my babies to God. He loved them. He'd take better care of them than I could, and He didn't NEED me to be there to be sure they were safe. Shortly after the quake I was given a Willow Tree figurine. It was an angel (whose wings fell off long ago) with a little boy, lifting his arms up and the angel holding his arms. It was a visual which ended up reminding me over and over God could be trusted with my kids...the ones in America, the ones in Japan, the adult ones and our youngest. I lived with that hard fought trust for 11 years before it was sorely tested on Oct 23, 2023. While I fasted for my children, our oldest son was murdered. THIS is what trust brought?  I've wrestled. Honestly, where else can I go? Even if I had been in the office with Josiah on that fateful afternoon *I* wouldn't have been able to save him. I know that. I know God was there, caught him, carried him into His presence. 

But how do I trust One who doesn't feel trustworthy? How do I accept the fact His plan allows this sort of devastation? I've been studying Habakuk (3 chapters) for the past 6 months. I refused to fake my feelings with God...and so He and I slogged along. I would set it aside for weeks at a time.  There's so much more I should say, verses I should share but at this point I'm simply trying to get the thoughts and feelings out. I am convinced God can handle my feelings and questions. I am convinced of His character. I am convinced He has remained with us. I'm convinced of His love.

Early Thanksgiving morning I was dusting...and my eyes fell on the Willow Tree visual. "God is trustworthy. I can trust Him with my loved ones." Then, wham, it fell off the step tonsu. 

My response, "That's about right!" Trust doesn't mean things are going to be great all the time. It means He will be with me; He will bring good from bad.  Maybe that broken figurine (which Michael plans to glue together) is a better visual. I am BROKEN and I freely admit it. I hurt. I'm working my way back to trust...my brokenness does not offend God. Sadly, it does offend some. God works slowly with us...and we so often want to see quick results. I have made progress, I have more to go. 

As I discussed with my counselor how surprised I am with the difficulty of these seconds, with the upcoming trial, with my anger at the Willow Tree and yes, at times with God...He reminded me it's o.k. and healthy to allow myself to feel the pain, the hurt, the questions rather than to stuff it and make it pretty and put the bow back on top. 

It's sacred to hold the pain with the gratitude. We have hope in the future because of Jesus, it really hurts now in the present. We live in the tension of now and not yet...the present pain and the future hope. And as Josh (counselor) said it does seem my gratitude, my faith, my relationship with Jesus is deeper because I am allowing myself to feel the pain. 

This Thanksgiving I have felt so loved. I have seen adult children jump in and carry the load I was too tired to carry. I am thankful for relationships rebuilt and salvation stories. I am walking in an even deeper faith. I am also broken. I hurt. Michael and I sobbed together after everyone went home or to bed and I'm thankful I have Michael to sob with. At times Josiah's absence feels like a physical pain. 

The day's grace notes - they're there in the post mixed with the hurt. 

That's how our Thanksgiving went...and now I'll sort through hundreds of darling photos capturing blessed moments and you'll see...gratitude does exist with grief, joy and sorrow enhance each other. 

Thanksgiving Eve

It's no secret 32 bodies (11 of them under the age of 8) makes for beloved chaos in an open plan living room/dining room/kitchen split level home.  When we originally moved to Alaska, family gatherings were 14. God has blessed us and in 7 years we have grown to 32! That is amazing! More than doubled! and we had fretted we'd NEVER have grandkids as our friends started having grands.  We've looked for good ways to use the space as the family has grown.  Summer and fall is EASY. We have a great yard with lots of things to do and explore. Winters have been more of a challenge. 

This year our children have loved me well!  By the time they had all signed up to bring food I only HAD to do a turkey and a salad. Carrie and Arielle had said they planned to come early to help set up, clean, whatever.  That gave me time to think. 

I told Michael I thought it was time we put some tables downstairs as we'd outgrown the through the dining room and across the Living room plan. We discussed pros and cons most the week. We LIKE having everyone at the same table. The ever-lengthening table really isn't conducive to conversation however with some people at the front of the house and spread through to the other side and AROUND.... In prep for winter gatherings, we had begun talking about renting out a church hall or the train depot monthly...but that involves a lot of moving parts we didn't have energy to engage. We had the luxury to continue to THINK as our brains were free from shopping lists, grocery trips and cooking for three days. 

I woke up this morning with a thought....Our basement has 3 rooms, a bathroom, the laundry room but the central area is a second kitchen and family room. We haven't used the kitchen as a kitchen since CoRielle moved out four or five years ago. I DID have tables with pantry items organized in the space and a craft table. WHAT IF WE MOVED THE PANTRY AND FURNITURE OUT? We'd have one big multi-purpose room. We could set 4 tables and 2 kids tables in the space. At this point I thought the food would be upstairs and we'd have to go up and down with food....we ended up moving the pantry. This allowed a buffet table by the "warming oven," and plenty of seating space. 

Michael was game. We moved the pantry. He had to run to an appointment. I moved the furniture - all stuffed into the spare oom and it's narrow hallway. 

The bachelors had told me they were bringing 2 televisions and a bunch of Nintendo controllers for the kids to play with downstairs - their suggestion for curbing the chaos. I let them know the basement would be set up to eat in, then we'd take table down and play a family game and then set up the tvs and games. 

Nolan texted to ask if we would like him to come over and help move tables and chairs. YES. I was sure we HAD time to do it all, but I knew Michael and I were already feeling back strain from moving the 50lbs of flour and oats around. 

Spare Oom before the furniture moved in

Michael came home with a small table to move the freeze dryer to so that table could be utilized, and a highchair to put together. We'll probably get another one from a thrift store if we find one cheaper. This one was reasonable. We have 2 2yo's and 2 7–9-month-olds so two highchairs won't hurt.  Nolan put the highchair together, helped Michael carry the chairs in from my van, and assisted us in settling on an arrangement and then setting it all up. 

I went on a snowy trek across our yard to find the kids' picnic table. Our guess is Trudy and maybe our three 4 year olds can sit at it? Arielle is bringing another table for the 7 and 8 year-olds. Liv will sit at a big table and if Kaelyn and Rylin are with us, they will too. We've got a plan. LOL 

I went shopping and found the fall housewares 90% off. I scored some centerpieces for $2.50. 

The other kids table goes to the left of the tables you see below, around the alcove where the picnic table it. 

The tables were set up! This always took TIME on the morning of a dinner! It is so much nicer to have it done the day before. 

I actually love putzing around in the kitchen with the kids. We had time so we made a Texas Trash Pie. We decided it was far too rich for normal sized pieces.  Allie was still at work at this point. 

These two played cribbage and Michael and I sat in the hot tub. 

I am feeling sad - but prepared. An unexpected pro of trying this is Michael plans to get shelves built under the stairs for the pantry so we don't have to move all the food out and back once a month. I'm not sure where all the stuff currently stored under the stairs is going...one step at a time. 

GRACE NOTES:

1. HELP from adult children...cooking, set up, hauling things...love in action. 

Deep Thoughts from a Shallow Mind

 Two Three thoughts, or streams of thought, are chasing around my head this morning and so I will get them down and possibly revisit them at another time. 

1. HOW can anyone possibly think we have the "idyllic family life?" I have been open and honest about our family, in person and online. We have ups and downs. We have successes and failures. We have vast differences about all manner of political, spiritual, and cultural issues, and yet we respect and love each other. We find ourselves in a time when we long for community and have little energy to seek it. For God's sake, our son was murdered, and we are all picking up pieces as we live with the consequences of another's choices...and still some comment on how "perfect" life is for us. Life isn't perfect! Life is hard. I suspect it's supposed to be hard. God carries us. He's near. Life still hurts.  As an aside anyone who has spent time with us would assure you, we are NOT remotely a 1950's family, and no, we are not patriarchal...though we do love and respect Michael...as he does for each of us. 

via google photos

2. It is quite possible to be incredibly grateful, to look for grace, to see God at work and to STILL grieve. Do not assume tears or prolonged grief means a person is not grateful. Do not assume expressing thankfulness and grace means a person is not grieving. Do not assume joy and grief cannot co-exist. They can. It's odd, but they do. 

3. Another thought I am processing this morning is that my habits can move me toward God or away from Him. I'm examining habits. 

That's all - more deep thoughts from a shallow mind. 

A Sledding Adventure

Stacia invited a group of friends from college to go sledding at Clarke Wolverine.  

She loaded her car with sleds, extra snow gear and off they went with my warning to be safe ringing in her ears (I'm pretty sure she was remembering my exhortation).  

At some point in the afternoon, whilst I was envisioning the fun, I received a phone call from Stacia. 

"Mom, I biffed." 

It didn't take long until a friend took over the phone. Stacia wasn't stringing coherent thoughts together. She told me she was fine, but she wasn't o.k.  Her friend, whose name I cannot spell, said she'd flown off the sled, landed on her back and somehow her face got involved too...she had a gash on her eyebrow but what was most concerning is one eye reacted to light, and one didn't.  Hmmm...now visions of googly eyes danced in MY head. 

I had GG and dinner...I tend to under react in these situations and so I got Michael up and off he went to a spot which was new to him. LOL  Someone in the group can drive a manual and they would get Stacia's car to the college. Stacia and a friend walked back to the car and waited in the parking lot for Michael to pick her up. He would do an assessment and decide if she needed to head to urgent care or come home and to be observed.  Allie was home and got on the phone and talked with Stacia and Linea until Michael showed up. 

Meanwhile I enlisted the prayer of the sib group and Carrie provided nursing tips.  When Michael checked her eyes, both were responding, she was talking in complete, logical sentences again, she was lightheaded but was walking straight and wasn't nauseated. She came home. 

We ate dinner. 

She opted out of her evening class. 

Allie went to the movies with a friend. 

Linea checked in. 

Stacia took the max dose of Ibuprofen. Her face has tiny blood vessels which broke, her eye is red and swollen, she is sore and will be rather bruised in the next day or two...but no broken bones. 

We snuggled on the couch and watched a Great American Christmas movie and an episode of White Collar which allowed for observation. 

YIKES! Stacia grew up sledding in Japan and here - interspersed with years in Texas which has little snow. She has stories of flying off the back of the sled with brothers, of falling off and being run over by Michael...this story is sure to live with the other stories. She did this one all on her own. It seems she needs to work on staying on the sled...maybe giant velcro on the sled and the seat of her snow pants? 

Beware of icy patches beneath powdery snow....

GRACE NOTES:

1. The girls' friend groups.  

2. Time - which doesn't heal all wounds but does provide assurance life continues. 

3. The judicial system with hopes for a trial month by the end of this week. 

4. A quiet evening with Michael and Stacia. 

5. No broken bones or concussion - I'm grateful.