As mentioned in the previous post, I decided to drive out to the cemetery. Brenda and I had talked about some things I wanted time to think about. This post has been a long time coming but after our talk, some insights she shared, conversations I've had with Gherkins I'm ready to write.
This post is not meant in any way to diminish the grief a widow, or parents feel - both are so very strong and real. I write to simply let my adult children know, "I see you, too." Maybe to let some of you who have lost siblings and felt unsupported also hear, "I see you. There is space for your grief." As I write I also want to note our church did well at offering counseling and support. I am just saying "overall" this is what I see.
It's become my conviction, as a whole, our society does not recognize or make space for the grief of siblings. There is much support for widows and parents. Many still hug me and let me know they are praying, share tears with me...but the kids...there just doesn't seem to be the same consideration. There doesn't seem to be a recognition of how big a loss it is and how the pain is ongoing and hits at odd times. They were rushed back to work, college, and ministry with little time to process their grief. Maybe this is because many siblings aren't close. Maybe we just expect "older folks" to realize they WILL lose their parents, and then their siblings one by one. BUT that doesn't mean the loss isn't deep. In this situation there is also a sense of having been robbed! There should have been many years left (of course Carrie and Mike and I also feel this). Josh, my counselor, pointed out that the kids not only lost a great big brother, but they lost the parents they knew. Michael and I were devastated and there is no doubt that grief has changed us. We aren't the parents we were.
One of my children looked at me as we were driving 18 months later and shared, "there wasn't a single day in my life of which Josiah wasn't a part." We shared tears. This is hard.
I've found books about losing a son. I've found support groups. I guess it seems like the loss of a sibling is one we simply breeze past. I'm here to tell you, as I watch our adult children live with the loss of Josiah - it hurts! It cuts deeply. The pain and loss are ongoing and new life situations bring up new pools of grief to process. He isn't here to offer advice and support. He isn't here to celebrate victories, to see goals accomplished which had been long discussed with a big brother. He can't give pep talks as one moves out of state for college, or changes a career field, or walks into new leadership roles - he is missed anew at each new milestone along the way.
I drove to the cemetery thinking of this and considering how to support those who've lost siblings...and you wouldn't believe who I met with at the cemetery. Our youngest.
Stacia shared she's been missing Josiah as she began her job. I hadn't considered this to be a part of grief. She is right. Josiah would have called her and discussed interview questions with her before the interview. He often hired employees and would have come over the weekend before to do a practice interview. She noted he would have been excited to hear about her job and supervisors. He would have. Of course she misses him more at this time. There is space for this. I see you.
As we visited another van pulled up and kids began to jump out of it. Bre and kids had dropped by too.
This little man ran up to the grave, and Stacia and me. He stood looking and then said, "I wish Uncle Cy hadn't died." I see you little man. He has heard stories, seen sadness and though he probably has few memories of Josiah as he was 2 1/2 when Josiah died, he grieves what he knows was lost. I agreed with him and told him how happy it made me he has Josiah's name.
Bre and I sat and talked while the kids walked the loop in the cemetery with Stacia and Millie.
Maybe this is the best way to support one who has lost a sibling...make space for their journey and their grief, their memoires. Don't always expect them to focus solely on support of parent's grief...acknowledge THEIR GRIEF. What they feel and what they need counts. I'm recognizing their grief was buried in activity which greatly ministered to us and Carrie at the onset of this journey. They got busy planning ceremonies, talking with media and standing between us and the law system, organizing meals and friends from out of state....and then they went back to work. Their strength in that awful week takes my breath away! We are retired and were able to process...and the thing about grief is one recognizes their loss more and more as time goes on. This second year feels harder in many ways. They felt they had to be so strong at the start of the journey, and we so love them for it.... but now it's time for Mike and me to be strong for them...to see them and their pain and to make space for what they need to help them on their journeys.
On this beautiful summer day supporting those who've lost a sibling meant making time to sit and visit in a special space.
Gideon bought this at the VBS store today. He brought it so that Uncle Cy could see it. I have no idea how that works - but I don't have a clue how many things work, and I have faith.
Trudy mostly likes the green grass and the toys Bachan planted in the midst of the park.
Look! I actually think I am salt and pepper. I had no idea how much silver I have. LOL I guess I am not in my 40's any longer.
It does my mama heart good to observe that Josiah is so remembered! In the winter the hills were a blanket of unmarred snow...except for the footprints to and from Josiah's site. I love that Josiah, and this space, brings a measure of peace to many.
I guess what I'm trying to say to my kids is, I SEE YOU. I see and lean on your strength. I thank you for the way you've made space for your dad and I and Carrie to grieve.... we see your pain. We see your loss. We want to make space for your journey, and we want you to know we SEE how big a loss you are working through. We are proud of the adults you are becoming - one and all.
In the end one often hears there is always enough love...love multiplies. Grief is said to be the other side of love (according to memes and Hallmark). Acknowledging another's great loss doesn't in any way diminish my loss. I love the grace I have seen this family show each other. There has been a commitment to show grace and kindness and to listen to how each need something different. We haven't always gotten it right, mainly when one hasn't been able to express what they needed...but we've tried so very hard to be gracious and kind with each other. I've seen this family do hard things! Dealing with the loss of Josiah and helping each other deal with grief is a hard, hard thing.
It does seem the world at large doesn't consider how much our kids are carrying.
Of course, supporting any grieving person is complicated by the fact we don't always need the same things. Sometimes we are doing great with it all, other times it hits hard.... sometimes we need company, sometimes to be alone...some turn to faith and others to activity...but we can all communicate that we care, we know how hard it is, and we are here for whatever is needed, for the long haul.
