How Am I Doing? - Michael

 

How are you doing? 

Such a simple question, but so very difficult to answer. How am I doing?

Some days, I am doing OK. My mind is dealing with life as it now is. My heart has a manageable level of pain. I am able to put one foot in front of the other and make a dent in the days responsibilities and tasks.

Some days, I am doing less than OK. My mind is reeling with life as it now is. My heart aches and hurts. Putting one foot in front of the other is a feat that defies every known law of physics and making a dent in the day's tasks and responsibilities is more akin to slogging my way up Mt Everest.

Some days, though, are worse...

I have never been one that cries. Oh sure, let Lassie save Timmy from the rabid grizzly bear, and I will find my eyes leaking a bit.  Let the underdog hero save a bus load of orphans and puppies from falling into a raging river, and I may find a tear streaming down my cheek, but we are talking orphans and puppies...

These days, I find myself in an odd place when I am doing less than OK. There are times I will stare into the middle-distance and want to scream like a banshee or whimper like a lost puppy dog. If I could do both at the same time, I would, but I can't so I end up doing neither. Instead, I stare into the middle-distance as a waterfall of pain and hurt pummels my soul.

How am I doing? Some days, I just do not know. I can't get a bearing on me. Lost in thoughts of the could-haves and if-onlies; I find myself wishing for I do not know what... Just something different from where I am, from the road I am on, from the heartache I feel, from the dizzying confusion of reality as it has become.

How am I doing? Some moments, I am blissfully engaged in doing and/or thinking on something else. These are mere moments because fairly quickly a red SUV will drive by or I will catch a glimpse of something that reminds me of the son I can no longer hold, and suddenly, I am wrestling again with this monster that has taken his place and has become a most unwelcome companion. I never wanted, never asked for this thing to be in my life, and yet there it is lurking, stealing, haunting, mocking in the shadows ready to snatch me away from moments of peace and thrust me again into the tumult and confusion.

How am I doing? Some days it is all of the above with a dark kaleidoscope of variations - just for fun.

How am I doing? I honestly am bewildered by the question. It seems so full of expectations on the part of the one presenting the query. I remember reading an anecdote some years ago. A man from Africa came to an American university to study. Walking across the campus, he passed a man who said, "How's it going?" Not realizing that this was a mere greeting on the part of the other, this newcomer to American life told the man all about his recent experiences because to not answer such a kind question concerning his welfare would be rude and impolite, but the other man was busy and just wanted to say something to acknowledge the African man's existence. The expectation was "fine;" "I am doing fine; how are you..?" That is all. Is this what people are asking? How are you doing? Fine, I am doing fine; how are you? Just a quick acknowledgement of my/our existence and no more.

I am concerned that there may be other expectations regarding this question. My fear is this inquiry is merely to find out if I am ready to let this grieving thing go and get on with life. Forty days was all they did in the Bible, right? That should be good enough for you, as well - this is the suspected motive. The Bible speaks of mourning for forty days, but grieving is different. (Future post coming from DeEtta.)

What I really want to know is this; is there earnestness in the question?

How are you doing? Are there burdens I can carry for you? May I quietly sit with you and let you ramble awhile about whatever it is you are wrestling with today? Do you need a shoulder to cry on? I am reminded of the scene from Lord of the Rings, The Return of the King. Frodo and Sam are trudging their way up Mt Doom. Sam, ever wanting to  help his friend, realizes he cannot take the burden of the ring from Frodo - it was not his to bear, but Sam could carry Frodo. This is the essence of bearing someone's grief. 

How am I doing? It depends. This is a lawyer's answer, but there is truth in it. Most days, it depends on when you ask during the day. Some days, it does not matter; it is just a bad day. Most days, though, the answer is "decent," but that depends on other things... 

Time Heals All Wounds - 12 Weeks

 12 weeks since our safe and secure lives were turned upside down.

They say, "time heals all wounds." Who is they? And how much time? Certainly, more than 12 weeks. Maybe 34 weeks one week for each year of his life? Maybe 41 weeks the time I carried Josiah in my womb? Maybe 13 years the time we homeschooled him? I don't know.

*And when a nightmare walks through your door

You live it over and over

You want the truth to be a lie

To say hello, no sad goodbyes

You're gone, I'm here, my world is dry

Without you

Twelve weeks and life still feels unsafe, painful, chaotic. At times I'm numb. At times I'm in excruciating pain. Sometimes I'm resigned and sometimes I'm angry. I have big questions with no real answers.

This I do know. God is here! I don't know how people walk through times like these without God. God weeps. God loves. God forgives. God is with us. God calls me to shelter in grace. God calls me to rest and remember. God welcomes the emotions and never, ever calls me to pretend it doesn't hurt or to "get back to normal." God calls me to forgive the unforgiveable, to receive and extend grace, to trust Him with justice and vengeance. I know I will see Josiah again.

Twelve Weeks.

* I miss everything about you

I just miss being around you

Outta sight, outta mind

Don't add up, not this time

It's the cold truth

I miss everything

*Everything About you by Toby Mac

#CourageousJoy #MissingJosiah #griefandjoy

Club, Box or Something Else - Michael

 I now belong to something I have never wanted to belong to. I have been on the outside of this thing, but I have spent a lot of time listening to the brokenhearted describe this reality. I have counselled many people who do belong - who exist moment-by-moment on the inside. Husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, friends and many others belong to this thing, but I was only able to listen and speak to them through a veil that separated me from them. I did not belong; I was outside trying to understand the inside, but I could never actually understand, and, truthfully, as much as I desired to be able to minister to those on the inside, the only way to understand requires that I, too, pass through that terrible veil to the inside. As much as I wanted a solid point of contact, to be empathetic, to minister to those on the inside, I could never be on the inside of this thing. 

On 23 October, 2023, this changed, forever. I am now on the inside. I, along with my family whom I desperately wished to protect from the emotional, psychological and spiritual ravages of the inside, have also passed through "the veil." Life will never be the same. Some may say this is a bit dramatic - I may have said the same at some earlier point in my life, but I realize these are the voices of those who are on the outside of this thing. They do not and cannot understand because only those on the inside truly "get it."

The tow truck driver brought Josiah's car to our place a couple of weeks ago. He knew Josiah. "Big Daddy J" was his nickname around the apartment complex. The tow truck driver had towed a lot of vehicles out of different apartment complexes for Josiah. Then he said he understood what we were going through. I could feel questions rising up within me. "What do you mean you understand?" my inner voice shouted. He went on to tell his own story. It was a truly horrendous story of profound loss, pain and grief - it was of the same substance as nightmares. My heart melted. He indeed did understand. He truly did belong. He was on the inside.

We have run into countless others who have walked through the evil of humanity, the brokenness of the world, the ravages of events beyond one's control; they have been forced to march through the darkest moments imaginable; they, too, have passed through the veil, this rite of passage to the inside which truly changes a person. No one ever says they are "over it and ready to get on with life." It is a thing that haunts your steps, visits your dreams, startles you in the midst of a mundane moment, casts it ominous shadow during a casual conversation and invades moments of forgetfulness with images, voices and memories of "the veil."

I have struggled with what to call this thing. I have described the rite of passage as a veil which gives only blurry images to those outside of the veil, but how do I characterize or describe those who have gone through this rite of passage? Certainly, not a a like civic club - there is an implicit understanding that these clubs are either for fun or for a purpose - maybe both, but this is neither. Not a fraternity either. A fraternity can be joined by going through a rite of passage - some sort of an initiation ceremony, but one can elect to leave or to fail the test, the rite of passage and, thereby, be excluded from the fraternity. So, not a club nor a fraternity. 

Maybe it is like a support group. Those involved in support groups have something in common with which they are wrestling, but this cannot be it either because these groups gather together by choice after a defining event or because of a common denominator of some sort. Generally, these groups have someone leading it who may or may not have walked down this same path. More than that, those in support groups go to these meetings because they are seeking answers or help or fellowship. The support group is a response to a trauma rather than the source of the trauma. Not all who are on the inside are pursuing such goals, but the rite of passage is ubiquitous to all who are on the inside. I do not discount the value of support groups at all; I am merely saying they do not characterize the larger group.

Perhaps it is more like a box, a box with transparent sides where all of life can be seen, but no, this is entirely inadequate because there is no separation between those inside and those outside except that those who have passed through the veil bear a mark. 

A mark. Yes, this, I think, is the answer. It is a mark upon the soul. Those who have passed through the veil are marked by the veil. They are marked by a deep sorrow that fills lonely moments with unattainable longing and with pain deep inside of the soul for which there is no relief. They, we, I travel about this world and in moments cross paths with others who bear this same mark of grief, of loss, of a life ripped out of fellowship from us, of a beloved one whose voice is silenced and whose life was cut short in a moment of time. This mark is seared, as if by a red-hot branding iron, by the veil, but this mark is generally not visible to the eye.

I will tell you there are many without this mark, who are outside. Some of these call to those with this mark and declare that they understand - they do not. Unless you have passed through the veil, unless you bear the mark of this devastation in your life, you can never truly understand. I know there are those who stand outside with a genuine desire to help, but to their credit, they realize they are, in fact, on the outside - without the mark on their souls, and they should never wish to fully understand because to truly understand means to pass through the veil themselves.

There are others who call to those who bear this mark of grief and loss to just forget about the pain and get on with life - IT DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY!. The only way out is to finish the journey. There is no turning back unless one were to deny this new reality and do violence to one's own psyche. There is no turning to the left or to the right. There is only going through... Psalm 23 reminds us of this - it is only on the other side of the valley of the shadow of death - after we have passed through the valley - that there is a cure for the soul. This remedy can only be found in the presence of the living God, gathered together, dwelling in His house forever where pain and sorrow are no more. Healing for a wounded soul is only found in eternity.

Saturday...

 We are soooo tired tonight. Stacia had a full day prepping for play practice, directing play practice, and then babysitting. 

Stacia gave Gideon and Bella the roles of Joseph and Mary. This eliminated any odd dynamic of boy/girl in the play. They need a box to stand on so they can be seen. 

Annie is going to be a sheep - here she is with two shepherds. 

I helped with costumes at play practice, went shopping and then finished what I could on the guest room. Michael changed the sediment filter for the well water system...and then we moved all the boxes back under the stairs. It would be much easier if that filter/pump was at the FRONT of the space rather than the back. 

This is an odd arrangement. Check out the long hall to the spare room. The bathroom is on the other side of the right wall, the stairs and such to the left. 

I enlisted help with twinkly lights.

Freddies didn't have lamp shades so I'm going to have to try Walmart in Eagle River. How convenient to roll out of bed and hit the treadmill. 

While cleaning I focused on a quilt hanging on my wall the kids gave me when I had Stacia. It has all their handprints. I couldn't resist putting my hand in Josiah's print and I cried. Then Allie hugged me and on the other wall I saw our family photo from San Angelo...Josiah at 16...oh.my.heart. 

Our nerdy nuts arrived. Stacia is home. Allie is home. We're going to watch, "While You Were Sleeping," and eat apples and nerdy nuts. 

GRACE NOTES: 

1. Seeing great friends while helping Stacia at the Play practice. 

2. Twinkly lights and a lava lamp in the guest room. 

3. Our nerdy nuts arrived. 

4. Michael finished the under-the-stairs job so we could move all the stuff that usually belongs under the stairs back. 

5. Allie helped me clean. 

6. I'm learning the world doesn't fall apart if I cry. I'm getting more comfortable with the emotional roller coaster. 

Puzzling Community

I have a dear online friend, Laura. We've known each other for approximately 20 years.  We homeschooled our kids together, care for parents at the same time, have lost parents near the same time and she has noted we like puzzles. When Laura walked through a season of intense grief, she found puzzles to be helpful. One day a week or so ago three big boxes arrived for us at the post office. She sent some from her home and had ordered quite a few from Spilsbury.

We began by setting up a shorter puzzle on the card table. This gives Dad something to do. He doesn't really LIKE puzzles he tells us...but he does sit at the table for hours...so I think he's finding he does like them. LOL  Michael and Stacia spend quite a bit of time getting the edges together, taking out pieces that don't REALLY fit....and helping the process along. 

Started with a Ford puzzle

I'm not sure you can see this clearly...but Stacia and I awoke one morning and noticed how the pieces were all stacked by the spots where they go...look carefully. Dad could simply slide the pieces right into place when he woke up. Sometimes, he moves them all around. This day he slid them all into place! 

He called me for a picture - and this has become the norm. 

Thought the states would be easy...

I love that the table has become a gathering spot, that Dad is more engaged with us, and Laura was right...working on a puzzle allows our mind to focus on something productive, while still drifting.  There's something good about SOMETHING FITTING INTO PLACE during this chaotic season.  During one point this week I was able to tell Dad that Michael, the girls and I are still very sad.  He had wanted to go Christmas shopping and Michael and I haven't bought one gift. No energy at this point. I shared we are often in tears and he doesn't notice. He began watching and tells us he remembers Josiah was killed.  I think this is good, really. I think he needs to empathize with us and remember why we may not want to do the things he thinks we should be doing.  I suggested he go shopping with Nate and Heather when they are here. 

We're discovering there is a whole new world of puzzling out here...special catalogues, caddies, boards, tables... Jenni shared her grandmother's tip. We put all the edge pieces in a small ziploc. That will save time the next time we work the puzzle. It's NOT cheating - it's a puzzle hack. 

I like this one a lot. 

When I got home last night (Friday) Dad was quick to tell me he had finished TWO puzzles that day. Stacia reports he is getting much better at them...and he is certainly more engaged with us...we are seeing lots of benefits from the puzzles. This one had a mug, a couple of chairs, a journal, book, and easel... There are still quite a few 500-piece puzzles and I bet he'll be ready to tackle a bigger one with us by the time we work through these. 

I am thankful for the community God has blessed us with - locally and online. Laura, this has been amazing! Thanks so much.  I love most of all when I have no energy to go out and shop...there is a whole stack here for anyone to grab and do...together. 

A Full Friday

 Allie and I had a later start than normal in honor of Christmas Break. We did find our way to breakfast study. 

I had an hour and a half between getting home and needing to leave again. I dusted and swept in the new guest room. I also moved boxes I could manage from the closet in the guest room and I located all the linens for the bed. 

Michael had lunch with Alex. He ran a couple of errands and came home. 

I spent the afternoon with CoRielle's boys so they could go out to celebrate their anniversary! We had a hot chocolate party, played games, played in the gym in their garage, got out the costumes and Benny proved to be an excellent hider. 

table fellowship

Mario Tower

Swing, balance boards, mini trampoline -punching bag not seen

Charles told me he was Jesus - but Benny was having NONE of that. "Charles, you are a PIE-RATE." Charles immediately responded appropriately with a hearty, ARRRGGGH!! ::snort:: 

Charles makes a great pirate

I got home to see a Prius in our driveway. It was either Jamin or Jenni. Our day had been busy enough that I wasn't in the loop. LOL 

Stacia, Michael and Jenni 

It was Jenni...cribbage has become a thing in our home again. Someone suggested a new board but turns out this is Grandpa G's cribbage board...so we'll get some pegs to replace the toothpicks and keep the old board. ::snort::  We played and had pizza.

GG has been enjoying puzzles. He informed me as I walked in the door, he had finished 2 puzzles. This means Michael and Stacia have sat and worked on puzzles with him. 

 Allie was out at a school banquet/dance...Stacia didn't have the emotional bandwidth to attend a school banquet and dance. Still too much pain...Josiah is the one she has memories of dancing with...she has a very busy weekend coming up and we were happy to have her at home. She did a bit more work on play props and we watched another silly Christmas Movie. Though I am liking the true meaning of Christmas which makes it into the Christmas movies from Great American media movies. 

Counselors, books and friends all assure me its normal for grief to be exhausting and distracting. For a high-energy, fairly focused person this new persona is alarming. They assure me my energy will return...and someday I'll be able to be in a group again and not lose my focus or train of thought... that day is not today! I love to burn a pillar and a couple of taper candles in the morning when I seek Jesus for daily grace.  Last night I discovered I had left the candles to burn all day. The tapers were gone, and the pillar was still burning. I put in two beeswax candles I had and lit them yesterday morning. I found them tonight...again.  The pillar has maybe an hour left in it. I may have to swear off flames for a bit. 

On the grief front, I did not tear up or cry in the morning. That was a welcome pause. I didn't make it all day...but you know...ups and downs. 

GRACE NOTES

1. Still very thankful for the margin in our lives which allowed us to serve CoRielle, Alex in addition to our homefolk today. 

2. Chickens keep laying 2 dozen eggs each day! I have no clue WHY? I suspect they saw the 12 new chicks and decided they'd better up their game this winter. We hoped for 6 - 9 a day through the winter. WE HAVE A FRIDGE FULL OF EGGS. 

3. Games and pizza with Jenni. 

Christmas Break Has Begun

"Grief is exhausting!" 

I have heard people say the above. Now, I understand. LOL 

WOW - Stacia ILLED this first day of Christmas Break. She had a breakfast study, worked on play props, met a friend in the evening, worked on puzzles with GG, played with nieces and nephews and enjoyed a long soak in the tub, and scheduled other meet ups for the rest of the break. We got a later start for Bible study this a.m. in celebration of her first day of summer break.

We got home just in time for Michael to head to a doctor's appointment. 

At some point in the afternoon, it seemed good to just sit and enjoy a Christmas movie. Which Stacia, GG and I did. We watched our first movie from Great American Pure Flix, Twas the Text Before Christmas...We really enjoyed it. Allie got home from her last final while we were watching and commented that THIS is the Christmas break vibe. 

Allie made 100% on her final final and has officially begun her Christmas Break! Michael and I love school breaks. LOL 

Bre and the kids dropped by...Michael came home...fun day. The kids had a traumatic day at the doctor's, and we were happy to provide stress relief. 

Jojo, Gideon, Bella and Papa

Helping GG with his puzzle

Hello, Trudy! 

Annie!

Shenanigans with Papa. 

Bre needed to run as she was having Jamin over...we had leftovers for dinner. We didn't make one bit of progress on our room makeover...frankly at this point it may be easier to make an igloo in the backyard for Nate and Heather. LOL  We still have time. We wanted to get something on the list done. Michael and I worked on packets of paperwork from the Social Security admin. 

Stacia opted for a long bath when she got in for the night.  GG headed for bed. Allie, Michael and I opted for conversation over TV...though I do believe Allie and I tried a new series that left me sleeping. Oh, yes, some mocumentary on a Christian radio company. 

Christmas Break has begun! 

GRACE NOTES
1. Time to enjoy an afternoon visit with Bre and the kids. 

2. Christmas movies in the middle of the afternoon. 

3. Conversations at night. 

4. Christmas Break from college.