Stacia's Team Won! and more...

 Stacia and Makenani, her friend and fellow classmate, have been preparing for a debate in one of their classes.  You can imagine the angst when they were required to debate "Alaska should NOT have a comprehensive financial plan."  This was not an easy topic to research and Stacia wanted the other side of the debate. 

They won the debate! Yay! Makenani came by for celebratory ice cream and be introduced to the Emperor's New Groove.  Do we know how to celebrate or WHAT? LOL 

Millie, Makenani, Allie and Stacia 

Stacia has a couple of papers to turn in which are in the editing phase and the upcoming week is FINALS WEEK.  We're looking forward to having her around home a bit more for the next few weeks. 

I spent the day putting up the rest of the Christmas decorations. This involved lugging boxes up and down the stairs as I determined to decorate the basement too. I did keep the decor to a minimum this year. 

I did get the tree UP - sorta - but need to trim it. This is my final bit of decoration. I will spare you all the other photos. 

Sunday night edit - Friday, Stacia was home, and I was able to get out of the house and run errands.  I came home and baked sugar cookies and made some truffles...which I planned to take to BreZaak's and decorate and dip and have a tea party with them while Bre went to a tea party. Unfortunately, all the up and down seems to have tweaked my knee. The top of my kneecap is swollen. I woke up in horrible pain Friday night and knew it wasn't going to work to watch 5 kids.  I've spent Saturday and Sunday simply resting, elevating, icing and taking Ibuprofen around the clock. The swelling is going down, I can walk with twinges instead of tear inducing pain.  Ironically, I was able to finish reading The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry by John Mark Comer - recommended - as I laid around. I hope to be up a bit more on Monday.  Everyone else went to church today. The girls went on to Anchorage to a Japanese Rice Pounding Festival and Michael and GG went to Carrie's to do some maintenance jobs for her. 

Allie's Next Steps

We've kept Allie's college plans fairly quiet.  This allowed time for her to sit with the plan and be comfortable with it before it was voiced far and wide. Some are sure to have picked up on the fact she is no longer at the local Bible College and is taking online courses.  This allows her to work full-time and save up for the next stage of her college career. (Our commitment to Allie's future remains the same but this program has outstripped our fixed income!) LOL She is also taking every online course she can for her prerequisites to burst through the continuance gate and be able to apply to a specific cohort. This, and living at home, is keeping the cost of her degree down.

Over the course of this semester, it has become apparent she will need 3 cinematic courses she cannot take online. We thought about her taking a semester at UAF...in the end Allie was worried her credits wouldn't be accepted (they DID make her retake a Bible survey class as it wasn't THEIR Bible survey class so there is merit to this concern). 

And so, Allie applied to be a residential student at Liberty University. The goal is for her to take a semester in Virginia, get those pesky cinematic courses completed and be onsite to burst through the continuance gate and apply to the cohort of her dreams. She will then come home for the spring and summer and return after being accepted to start the 2-year cohort - the plan is the fall of 26. 

We were thrilled when this announcement came today.  Allie has prayed and researched various programs. Liberty has an excellent program and once accepted into the cohort she will be working on real-life projects and networking within the industry...as she pursues a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Film Production & Creative Development Storytelling (with an emphasis on screenwriting and directing). 

Anyone who knows Allie will see how this integrates her passions for writing and film and simply FITS with her creative personality and her desire to be a voice to her generation. We are proud of her! We do not feel any of her college steps have been wasted or "mis-stepped." Her first year of online transfers completely. Her second year at Alaska Bible College gave her the confidence she can handle residential college work, allowed her to make some dear friends, earned some transferrable credits, did some hard work in therapy, and she was here when the unthinkable occurred last October. This year is full. Next year will be light and then she'll be fully ready to chase her dream! 

Alter Egos

 We ordered a couple of costumes from Danny and Benny's birthdays. They didn't arrive in November. I really prefer shopping local and cutting down the long waits at the post office in November and December...but alas, somethings are not available locally.  They didn't arrive together; the magician's costume finally arrived today! 

Danny has long been MARIO - with a costume he will soon outgrow. Danny has begun saying he is Luigi...and he makes a darling Luigi. Did you catch the red mustache in the above photo. My heart! He wasn't 100% sure what he thinks of the stuffed belly. 

CoRielle got a set of magician's tricks for Benny's birthday. He has taken great joy in tricking me, displaying his sleight of hand...I decided he needed a magician's costume. He rocks this one and it makesthe tricks just that much better. 

I believe Ellie Rae is getting her first tooth just as Benny lost his first! 

Charles was at therapy, so I didn't get to visit with him. It was great fun to drop in on Arielle and these three. I miss the built-in weekly time I had to connect with the boys and Arielle when I watched them during her staff meetings. 

Another highlight of today was connecting with Brenda at her home for tea and conversation. I love coffee shops, but meeting at a friend's home does lend itself for deeper conversations.  It was a blessing to be able to connect in the midst of this busy season.  There are very few whom you can text in the morning and say, "I'm running errands today may I stop by for tea?" and they say, "YES! Come." 

GRACE NOTE: 
1. Tea and conversation at a dear friend's home. 

2. A moment of connection at  CoRielle's. 

Fun Day with Josi

Livie went sledding with Uncle Jared and Uncle Jamin yesterday afternoon/evening. 

It was a blessing to sit and process this season of seconds, Sunday's sermon and life with Carrie. 

And today.... a full day with Josi girl! Livie had school and Carrie had work. Josi is nearly 10 months old. 

She's learned so many new tricks. She's a busy little girl these days. She crawls, loves her toys, feeds herself AND she goes down for naps like a dream. LOL  

Livie came home briefly but left for a game night at their life group. It was a great mini-vacay with the girls. 

GRACE NOTES: 

1. Time with the family. 

The Long Weekend

 Black Friday and it was -1 degree outside! There is nothing I needed bad enough to go out. I wanted to make myself go out because I wanted to join the girls shopping...but honestly, I wanted more to begin taking down fall decor and to think about Christmas decorations.  

The festive Christmas feeling changed for me the year Mom died on Dec 12th. I just haven't been into it as much as I used to...and I was quite ready to skip all decorations last year and this year...but it seems my family that doesn't really like to decorate DOES like to have it decorated.  THIS year I knew I would be spending Sunday in town with Carrie and the girls and Monday watching Josi and then visiting with Liv when she got home from school....so I needed to make progress Friday and Saturday or it wasn't happening until Tuesday or later....

All that led me to stay home and start taking fall decor down. My goal for the day after Thanksgiving was to get the fall stuff done and the tree up. I didn't make it. I DID get everything DOWN. I cleared a little spot Saturday morning for Dad to eat. ::snort:: 

I missed Black Friday. Not to worry our area has Shop Small Saturday (or some such S's) and the girls were going to do that too. Guess what? It was STILL ridiculously cold to park and walk for hours. Allie and I decided, "No."  I STILL didn't have the fall stuff PACKED nor the tree up. I dreaded putting our big, beautiful tree up. It's TOO BIG for our small living room. It takes over...but we like the lights...I told him I'd like to get a "pencil tree" as it would fit the spot better. Also - quite honestly - I decorate my tree with pictures of the kids through their growing up and it really was quite painful to see one little boy smiling up at me last year. I'm SURE I WANT it up - but it hurt. I thought maybe in the family room where we'll be eating and hosting.  He agreed. My goal on Saturday was the same as Friday "Get the fall stuff packed away, and get the tree up."  

Krista and Stacia met Arielle in town for more outdoor winter shopping. I made plans to meet them at one of my new favorite places, "Sweet Gypsy" for lunch. 

Stacia, Krista, Arielle shopping in negative temps

Stacia came home but Krista, Arielle and I had lunch. Mona, Luke's mom, and sister joined us. It was  great holiday fun! I was ready to head for Wasilla to hunt up a pencil tree and Michael had seen a Black Friday sale on a patio heater he wanted me to pick up. I realized the girls were home studying and GG wouldn't have to come out but maybe Michael would like to. He did. We headed out. We found a pencil tree...it shocked me that a skinnier tree would cost so much money...and then I saw the Grinch tree....and Michael saw the Grinch tree...and it made us giggle. It appealed to us. It fits in the spot. It came with lights and decorations. I got the tree up! 

While Michael put the patio heater together I packed away the fall decorations. I also baked some pizzas which was a good thing as Stacia had a friend over for dinner and studying....

Millie is unsettled and moping around as everything has been moving and changing.....I feel bad for her - though she IS much quieter. 

Sunday morning, I began an advent study. 

We ended up taking 3 cars to church. The girls wanted to come home immediately after lunch. GG ended up driving in with me and home with them. Michael brought the truck and came over to help Carrie clear out Josiah's fishing, snow showing, hiking, guns. We are going to become the family's "Outdoor Rec." Going ice fishing, come check out what you want. Jamin and Jared came to help Michael. I brought the van in as you know I am enjoying my mini-vacation.... afternoon/evening discussion with Carrie, playing with Josi and catching up on blogging while she naps. It IS lovely! I get to do it again in a couple of weeks. I'm a blessed Bachan.  

December? I am trying to figure out how November went so very FAST!!!!

GRACE NOTES:

1. I am loved well by God. My relationship with Him brings me hope - even in the pain. 

2. It is such a blessing to have time with Carrie and the girls! 

Random Glimpses of November

The monthly post where I capture incidents or photos which I didn't already blog this month. 

Danny has been working hard at speech therapy and this month he graduated! It's been fun to watch his personality become more outgoing as he has gained more confidence he will be understood! We're proud of him...and we love the insights he is sharing these days. 

Livie and Josi (10 months on the 7th)

Livie and Carrie - do you SEE how quickly Olivia is growing up? 

Bre's gang! I love it! 

F- Trudy, Jojo
B Bella, Gideon, Annie

Ellie Rae turned 8 months old on the 27th (or maybe it's the 28th?)

Noah is a budding chef and loves to help in the kitchen. Here he stirs up the deviled egg mixture for Thanksgiving. 

All photos courtesy of Mamas - BreAnne, Carrie, Lariss and Arielle!  

Season of Seconds

I have felt this post forming and have decided to simply get it out BEFORE I blog all the picture worthy moments of Thanksgiving. These are my thoughts while "going through" - they aren't tied up with a pretty red bow. 

"How was this year's Thanksgiving?"

"It will get easier when you get through the year of firsts." 

But does it? Really?

We heard this so many times in the past year. We expected it.  Maybe for some this is true. This had been our experience in previous losses of babies and our parents. The first year was excruciating and it got "easier" as time went on. Even now I'm not sure it got "easier" as much as we became more adept at hiding and stuffing feelings and presenting the picture-perfect faith which was expected of a Christian pastor's family. 

This loss has stripped us of much. There is the original devastating loss of Josiah's presence, but there are so many secondary losses...of ministry position, of friends we thought would be our forever community who have simply not been able to provide a ministry of PRESENCE, of daily routine, of theological stances we thought were long settled. Somehow, we let ourselves think we'd hit the one-year survival mark and things would be easier with each month and year that passed. The holidays were so close to Josiah's loss I think we were in denial not fully grasping how long this absence would be last year. The reality of the nature of the loss NOW hadn't set in - yes, we have hope in the future - but NOW it hurts! 

We are in the season of seconds now. Things still really hurt.  We begin to feel the finality of the loss. It's harder to pray for the soul of the one who robbed us of Josiah's life, than it was right at first. We sense the length of this loss.  We have been let down, we have seen others come close to walk with us, there are days with only "tears" and not "ugly crying" but it's been hard since October and it's still hard. 

Because of childhood trauma trust has been a hard-won area for me to learn to live out. When we began having children it took decades before I could trust they would not be abducted or molested...it was the earthquake in Japan - being separated from my family which finally convinced me I could trust my babies to God. He loved them. He'd take better care of them than I could, and He didn't NEED me to be there to be sure they were safe. Shortly after the quake I was given a Willow Tree figurine. It was an angel (whose wings fell off long ago) with a little boy, lifting his arms up and the angel holding his arms. It was a visual which ended up reminding me over and over God could be trusted with my kids...the ones in America, the ones in Japan, the adult ones and our youngest. I lived with that hard fought trust for 11 years before it was sorely tested on Oct 23, 2023. While I fasted for my children, our oldest son was murdered. THIS is what trust brought?  I've wrestled. Honestly, where else can I go? Even if I had been in the office with Josiah on that fateful afternoon *I* wouldn't have been able to save him. I know that. I know God was there, caught him, carried him into His presence. 

But how do I trust One who doesn't feel trustworthy? How do I accept the fact His plan allows this sort of devastation? I've been studying Habakuk (3 chapters) for the past 6 months. I refused to fake my feelings with God...and so He and I slogged along. I would set it aside for weeks at a time.  There's so much more I should say, verses I should share but at this point I'm simply trying to get the thoughts and feelings out. I am convinced God can handle my feelings and questions. I am convinced of His character. I am convinced He has remained with us. I'm convinced of His love.

Early Thanksgiving morning I was dusting...and my eyes fell on the Willow Tree visual. "God is trustworthy. I can trust Him with my loved ones." Then, wham, it fell off the step tonsu. 

My response, "That's about right!" Trust doesn't mean things are going to be great all the time. It means He will be with me; He will bring good from bad.  Maybe that broken figurine (which Michael plans to glue together) is a better visual. I am BROKEN and I freely admit it. I hurt. I'm working my way back to trust...my brokenness does not offend God. Sadly, it does offend some. God works slowly with us...and we so often want to see quick results. I have made progress, I have more to go. 

As I discussed with my counselor how surprised I am with the difficulty of these seconds, with the upcoming trial, with my anger at the Willow Tree and yes, at times with God...He reminded me it's o.k. and healthy to allow myself to feel the pain, the hurt, the questions rather than to stuff it and make it pretty and put the bow back on top. 

It's sacred to hold the pain with the gratitude. We have hope in the future because of Jesus, it really hurts now in the present. We live in the tension of now and not yet...the present pain and the future hope. And as Josh (counselor) said it does seem my gratitude, my faith, my relationship with Jesus is deeper because I am allowing myself to feel the pain. 

This Thanksgiving I have felt so loved. I have seen adult children jump in and carry the load I was too tired to carry. I am thankful for relationships rebuilt and salvation stories. I am walking in an even deeper faith. I am also broken. I hurt. Michael and I sobbed together after everyone went home or to bed and I'm thankful I have Michael to sob with. At times Josiah's absence feels like a physical pain. 

The day's grace notes - they're there in the post mixed with the hurt. 

That's how our Thanksgiving went...and now I'll sort through hundreds of darling photos capturing blessed moments and you'll see...gratitude does exist with grief, joy and sorrow enhance each other.