I suppose I can be a bit dense. God ALWAYS shows me things through my time in the Word. Always.
He KNEW this would be the week when I was struggling with drug choices et. al. WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD DRUG CHOICES FELL ME LIKE THEY HAVE? Surrender is tough. I walked through our last miscarriage with sincere trust and rest in the fact that God was in control - that was BIG - and really taking a drug isn't that big, but I woke up in tears this a.m. It is just so HARD to know what to do with all the lab results and doctor's voices.
Bottom line: knowing and believing that God is sovereign I have STILL allowed myself to be very worried about taking a Cat X drug that would present problems if I get pregnant. I've been presented with another option. That option first led to elation (see post earlier this week) and then to confusion as I read that there seem to be heavy indicators of nasty side effects.
I've been fighting. I've been angry. I've been sad. I'm learning to let the anger/emotions motivate me to work out and keep making good choices (as opposed to throwing in the towel and eating a double, bacon, cheeseburger with large fries AND a SODA!). I look at Stacia and remember my "heartless" (JUST KIDDING) doctor saying "Would you like to be around to raise your youngest child?" And I know that I will keep plodding along. I do want to be here.
I've worried. BUT GOD knew that I would be worried this week. I've read Matthew, Mark, Luke...and THREE times this week I've read that worry will not add a single day to my life. THREE times I've read to seek first His kingdom. THREE times I've read that the Father cares for me. THREE times I've read that the worries of this world can choke out the work of the Word in my life. It almost seems like Someone was in that rash decision to read the Bible in 90 days - Someone knew that I would need to read these passages over and over this week before they would germinate. Someone knows my heart (that I desire to serve Him wholeheartedly and dwell minute by minute in His presence), and yet, I'm dense at times. I spent my time on the bike today praying. I'm getting it. I'm giving the worry to Him. He knows.
I'm praying for wisdom to sort through the haze of info and make a wise decision. Mike is a huge help here because you all know that I wouldn't be doing any drugs if HE hadn't put his foot down and told me to listen to the doctor. ::snort::
I plan to make a chart. ::snort:: Yes, a CHART. I will list each drug, the side effects, how it works, what effect it may have on pregnancy, and then I'll be able to SEE a bit clearer. Yes, I know that my Bible Study ladies will get a kick out of that admission. I shared this with Liz, a fellow homeschooler, and she told me that I'm "such a homeschooler." LOL I'm going to make a chart in my next spare time slot, and I wrote all this out to let you know that I've determined to surrender this to God and quit the worrying - as many times a day as I need to.
I'm remembering DO NOT FRET! Choose Joy! my personal mantra. Isn't it totally silly that I could sail through a miscarriage and be undone by DRUG CHOICES??????
He KNEW this would be the week when I was struggling with drug choices et. al. WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD DRUG CHOICES FELL ME LIKE THEY HAVE? Surrender is tough. I walked through our last miscarriage with sincere trust and rest in the fact that God was in control - that was BIG - and really taking a drug isn't that big, but I woke up in tears this a.m. It is just so HARD to know what to do with all the lab results and doctor's voices.
Bottom line: knowing and believing that God is sovereign I have STILL allowed myself to be very worried about taking a Cat X drug that would present problems if I get pregnant. I've been presented with another option. That option first led to elation (see post earlier this week) and then to confusion as I read that there seem to be heavy indicators of nasty side effects.
I've been fighting. I've been angry. I've been sad. I'm learning to let the anger/emotions motivate me to work out and keep making good choices (as opposed to throwing in the towel and eating a double, bacon, cheeseburger with large fries AND a SODA!). I look at Stacia and remember my "heartless" (JUST KIDDING) doctor saying "Would you like to be around to raise your youngest child?" And I know that I will keep plodding along. I do want to be here.
I've worried. BUT GOD knew that I would be worried this week. I've read Matthew, Mark, Luke...and THREE times this week I've read that worry will not add a single day to my life. THREE times I've read to seek first His kingdom. THREE times I've read that the Father cares for me. THREE times I've read that the worries of this world can choke out the work of the Word in my life. It almost seems like Someone was in that rash decision to read the Bible in 90 days - Someone knew that I would need to read these passages over and over this week before they would germinate. Someone knows my heart (that I desire to serve Him wholeheartedly and dwell minute by minute in His presence), and yet, I'm dense at times. I spent my time on the bike today praying. I'm getting it. I'm giving the worry to Him. He knows.
I'm praying for wisdom to sort through the haze of info and make a wise decision. Mike is a huge help here because you all know that I wouldn't be doing any drugs if HE hadn't put his foot down and told me to listen to the doctor. ::snort::
I plan to make a chart. ::snort:: Yes, a CHART. I will list each drug, the side effects, how it works, what effect it may have on pregnancy, and then I'll be able to SEE a bit clearer. Yes, I know that my Bible Study ladies will get a kick out of that admission. I shared this with Liz, a fellow homeschooler, and she told me that I'm "such a homeschooler." LOL I'm going to make a chart in my next spare time slot, and I wrote all this out to let you know that I've determined to surrender this to God and quit the worrying - as many times a day as I need to.
I'm remembering DO NOT FRET! Choose Joy! my personal mantra. Isn't it totally silly that I could sail through a miscarriage and be undone by DRUG CHOICES??????
13 comments:
De'Etta, I don't think it silly that you're struggling with this phase of your life.
You ARE wise to contemplate and take a good look at the complications and/or side effects to the meds that can be prescribed for you.
I'll be praying for you!
I'm glad you are finding some peace and surrender in this latest stretch of your journey.
I did have to chuckle at the chart part.
Oh De'Etta - I am so sorry this is being difficult! We're studying Daniel in our ladies Bible study. I was very moved by the passage in chapter 7 where it says the little horn (anti-Christ) will wear down and harass the saints.
Remember, you are a constant annoyance and downright threat to Satan. You are living your life in the LIGHT, raising children who love the LORD, pointing other people to Him, teaching people how to study the WORD, and just generally seeking to follow God with a passion.
This puts a significant target on your back. Satan wants you discouraged and beaten down. Do not give him that satisfaction. I'm not trying to make this into some sort of spiritual battle or elevate Satan's impact in our lives, but I do want to remind you that he is constantly looking to divert your gaze off of the True Source of Comfort and Joy.
Praying for you here in Washington!
Duckabush Blog
Ugh! It must be horrible to have a choice between meds. So much simpler if the doc just says, 'You need this one.'
Praying for your peace of mind.
I completely understand your dilemma. They wanted to put me on a seizure med to control my migraines. After reading all the side effects I opted for the migraines. I will be praying for you as you surrender to what ever you are being called to do. There was a Tim Hawkins video on med side effects. It was hilarious. I will see if I can find it an send you a link. I think you will appreciate it!
Sis:
Oh how Dad/I love you and praise God oh so often for Mike! What a pair you are! Proud of you both.
We agree with everything your friends have said above.
One thing to know is that we both were about as bad as you when it came to taking meds for ourselves.
One good thing in your favor is the fact that you seem to always know right away when you are PG.
Just know we are praying for you both as you go thru this decision making time etc.
love/prayers
Dad/Mom
Sis:
On a lighter note..... you were born making LISTS, charts & planning everything out. :):):)
What a Gal!
Wonder why I have to respond to you now as Anonymous? Anyway this way I get to have caps in our name. :):)
love/prayers
Mom T
DeEtta,
I think I know why this Rx decision is more difficult than the last miscarriage.
When you lost the baby, there was nothing to be done. There were no decisions to be made so it only made sense to trust in God and move on.
Cooosing a med requires a decision, a choice that could affect future pregnancies. And since you can't predict the future, there are unknowns involved.
It's usually more difficult (at least for me) with unknowns than with what has happened and can't be changed..
not sure if that makes any sense.
Renee (househunting in 3 weeks)
I'm praying for you!
good word mom. I can only imagine. and thank you for taking care of yourself!
bre g
Continuing to pray for you and Mike. Meds on practically any level are never as simple as the drs. would like them to be...
Thanks all for your encouraging comments.
Gilda - it's called Full Range of Motion and we own it. It's great. In fact when I left the doc's office the first time after him lecturing me about future pregnancies and such...and insisting I begin meds....Mike said " Yeah - but you'll have FULL RANGE OF MOTION" - it wasn't quite as funny at that point as it had been the month before. ::snort::
I've still not made the chart...time is what I need more than anything.
Gilda - exactly!!!!
Renee - you have something there.
Ah my baby girl (Bre) commented.....Yep - taking care of myself....that's a priority I've been told.
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