Tea Party with Grands

I enjoyed an impromptu tea party with three of BreZaak's kids today. Trudy has some ear pain and so I stayed with these guys while they went to the docs.

Next on their agenda was to play doctor and I was to be the doctor. They brought me a big chest of tools and we had great fun. 

This is the girls' "down day." Hmm...no need to be at the college but lots of work, counseling appointments, and Stacia had Japanese as well. 

Allie stayed with GG so we could run a few errands and have some minutes to process upcoming changes. Oh, and pick up a couple of things for someone's 20th birthday.

GRACE NOTES

1. Relationships that refresh and challenge.

2. Cozy couch time with Allie.

One Monday Follows Another

One Monday follows another...it's been nearly six months and...I have no words this evening. We miss Josiah. Here is a photo from April 15, 2023. I miss watching him with his girls! 

I spent an inordinate amount of time on the phone today.  

I also paid our bills. 

Michael and Dad left sometime in here to run an errand to Lowes and then meet up with Nolan, Jamin and Krista for dinner in town. 

My Costco buddy showed up to drive to Anchorage with me.  She talked me into the membership and our plan was to drive up once a month after church/lunch...life changed, and we've not done this since I first got the membership. It was fun to have someone to chat with on the way to Anchorage...I managed to find over $500 worth of groceries to buy...but alack and alas they no longer have 50 lbs of BREAD FLOUR!!!! I cannot keep buying it in the 5 lb bags...I'm going through a lot of it and they are charging $8-10 per bag in town. Jenni, my Costco buddy, and I were so busy talking I forgot to stage any of the fun Costco photos I had planned. 

I did take this photo after I had put 1/2 the groceries away. 

The girls got home from their evening class....

I'm ready to settle in with a good book for the night. 

GRACE NOTES: 

1. Jenni. 

2. Those in our community who have stuck with us for twenty-four weeks. 

We Love Sundays

Dad woke saying his head and throat hurt.* We made the decision for me to stay home with him, while Michael and the girls went in for church. Larissa snapped this and texted it. Noah's shirt says, "It was Papa's idea!"  I love three generations in this photo of the church gathering. 

Papa, Jared and Noah

Dad and I watched online. I like gathering with others...but it WAS nice to turn up the volume enough so Dad could hear, to pause Pastor Brian when he shared faster than I could write, and not to worry about finding seats together. ::snort:: 

 Last week's message, So You Think You're Better Than Me was on forgiving favoritism and jealousy. It was stellar. Today's message, Forgiving Through Abuse and Trauma was also fantastic. The life of Joseph threads through the series.  Here are a few shots I took during the message to help with notes...I'll replace the ones I took with screenshots as I see them and eliminate the glare. ::snort::  One of the girls commented these are the very points I have made, repeatedly. It is always affirming when someone else says what you've been saying, says it better and you get lumped in with them. ::snort::  As we discussed the sermon around the table this evening the observation was shared Brian's messages have been on the issues various ones have us have wanted to hear addressed in church...each topic from unanswered prayer, to sexuality, to forgiving abuse and trauma has been real, raw and handled with grace. I agree.  I loved that he gave clear definitions for abuse and trauma and had talked with the licensed therapists in the church to be sure to have concrete and accurate definitions. 

Abuse - any action someone uses to dominate, control, or harm another person for their benefit. This can be mental, physical, emotional or sexual. He gave examples of what abuse is and isn't. 

Trauma - results from an event experienced by an individual as physically or emotionally harmful or life threatening, and has lasting adverse effects on their mental, physical, social, emotional or spiritual well-being.

I have defined forgiveness as "selling the debt," turning the situation/person over to God. Brian talked about releasing the debt...he also shared this list of what forgiveness is NOT. I can't tell you how often I've been told I haven't forgiven because I have been leery to reconcile or haven't forgotten. These words resonated with me. 

We have been given the label of victim by those things done to us by others; WE get to rip off that label and wear CHOSEN, BELOVED of God.

Brian addressed well the victim, but he acknowledged it would be quite possible to have abusers in a crowd our size. He addressed abusers with grace and truth as well. It was refreshing. I love that Brian doesn't shy away from the hard topics. 

In addressing trauma, we need to acknowledge what happened, apologize wherever possible, and look for redemption...because Jesus carried my cross, we can carry another's cross. 

We all need to learn how to give good apologies....

The gang went out to lunch with Jared, Larissa and Noah. After lunch the girls went home to hang out with Larissa and Noah. Michael and Jared went out to Eagle River Loop to put a sign up on a gentleman's land who offered to host a big campaign sign.  

Other Sunday events...check this out! I was quoted on a doctoral topic board. We found that fun. 

Nolan dropped by in the evening. We chatted, snacked and he and the girls watched an episode in a series they are watching together. 

We love Sundays. 

GRACE NOTES: 

1. While an online gathering of the church is not my favorite way to connect with others, I am thankful it is available for days like today when I can't make it out. 

2. There is something so amazing about 3 generations of family in the same gathering worshipping Jesus, learning together...in a church that is made up mostly of 30 and 40 yos. Who would have guessed? Not this military family in all those years of family fragmentation.

3. Adult gherkins dropping by...children become friends...it's like visiting your best memories while making new ones and it's refreshing deep down in our souls. 

4. Michael and I stayed up late and had a good and hard discussion. I am thankful to have journeyed with Michael lo these 40 years. 

*Dad's blood pressure was 189/126 this morning and he didn't have a properly working cpap last night. Mystery to ailments solved, unfortunately too late to go to church in person. Added some clonidine and tylenol to the chemical mix and he was good to go. 

IF: 2024 @ ACF

Krista, Larissa, Jenni, Carrie, 2 babies and I met in Eagle River for an early dinner on Friday. Larissa was unable to join us for the rest of the event, but the four of us were heading to church for a conference. Jenni and I spent the evening with Carrie so we didn't have to drive back to the valley late at night. We were at the church all day Saturday as well. Arielle had planned to attend with us, but you know, she had a baby instead! ::snort:: 

Jenni, Krista, me and Carrie @ IF:2024

I discovered Jennie Allen before the first IF:Gathering when I picked up a little book titled, "Anything." It was a great introduction to Jennie.  IF I really believe God is true - THEN how will it change my actions? Am I willing to pray that God does "anything" He wishes? I was and did...and I remember that often. I have never been in a position to attend either an IF: Gathering or a local group streaming the gathering...an IF: Local. 

ACF hosted a live stream of IF:2024. There were 235 women from church at the event. The worship was fantastic - both the taped and the local worship. I loved that we had a FULL all women worship team.  Our table hosts: Julie and Jessica were wonderful. Having planned, hosted and spoke at various conferences - I KNOW THE WORK THAT CHELSEA AND THE TEAM PUT IN and everything was beautiful. Registration was seamless from this perspective, the decorations were cute, the tables arranged in a way to foster community and communication, the serve teams, production teams, mc...everyone did a superb job.  Lunch was yummy...there were even vendors for on-site shopping...much of it to support an upcoming missions' trip, and a couple of table games too. 

It was a joy for me to be able to attend a women's event and just PARTICIPATE. I had no responsibilities at all - and that is perfect for this season.  Another special joy was to attend with some of "my girls" and to be at Josi's first Ladies Conference. Josi thinks women's events are great fun. 

The speakers were GREAT: Christine Caine, Katherine Wolf, Jennie Allen, Sadie Robertson, Bianca Olthoff, Jada Edwards, Annie F Downs, Ruth Chou Simmons, Rebekah Lyons, David Platt and more.  The format is to watch a video and usually a panel discussion, and then to have time for table discussion. I had just one "complaint." The pace was FAST...the topics and speakers were varied, and I found myself wishing for a slower pace to process all I was hearing. I realize why this wasn't possible. I usually come home from a retreat or conference and have one main takeaway and thoughts from each session. I was so exhausted at the end of this I couldn't tell Mike what anyone said...but I have NOTES. I always have notes. I will spend the next week processing with prayer, journaling....

Here are some initial thoughts - the theme was JESUS and how faithful He has been and where He has taken this movement in 10 short years...

Christine Caine - My limitations aren't greater than God! Jesus blessed what would never be enough. When I'm faced with "not enough" I need to bless and not curse. The miracle began when the bread was broken...God is working in the broken places! PRAISE JESUS. Jesus will take us into our God-given purpose.

Katherine Wolf - Her testimony of God's faithfulness after she had a stroke at 26 is powerful! Don't miss a miracle because you're looking for a "miracle in a box." Suffering births new things. Jesus meets us in the dust and forms a new creation in the dust! 

Jennie Allen - We all have individual races to run. We need to throw off the sin and burdens that hinder us. We can tell satan to go to hell! John 11 - Jesus KNEW he was going to heal Lazarus; He had the solution. And still he was moved by Mary's grief. He STOPPED AND WEPT WITH HER! We tend to see God as disappointed with us, but Jesus has empathy, he weeps, he has compassion and mercy for us.  We each wrote a sin or burden on a rock. We took them to the front during worship and left them at the feet of Jesus. We walked away without them. I will share what I wrote on my rock...as I already blogged it over the past weeks...Disappointment (with God), offense, church hurt. The next day during another worship song we went back up and picked up another's rock and committed to carry it and pray for that burden. 

Sadie Robertson - I love Sadie. She told a story of Honey, her 2-year-old who walked 1/2 mile, barefoot, on gravel because she "wanted to be with Daddy."  Unbeknownst to Honey her uncle saw her leave and watched her walk all the way home. We have to be bold; it will be costly; we may feel unseen put we need to pursue God...just to be with our father. He considers who He calls - He knows me.  Luke 10:1 - 12...all 72 lambs returned! We all have different calls, be faithful in that call. 

Bianca Olthoff - There will be storms (AMEN), how will I respond? Jesus calmed the storm with 3 words. When Jesus puts us in a storm we can rest because Jesus is the peace. The purpose of the storm is on the other side...we have to go through to the other side. PRAISE in the storm. 

Annie Downs - Run the race marked out for ME. Figure out my race and go fast....I am not runnning their race, only my race. We are all winners. We please God by surrendering. 

Jada Edwards - When you are REALLY thirsty only water will quench - not flavored sweet tea. We are trying to satisfy a deep spiritual thirst with flavored drinks rather than the living water, with a causal relationship with God and others instead of intimacy. John 7:37-39 Jesus asks for a decision - name our thirst, take action - come! and drink. We can come and not drink! This is not about activity it's about nearness to Jesus. 

Luke LeFevre and Annie Downs talked about how we share Jesus. If they won't step into my world, I will step into their world. Witness is withness...don't give up on people.

David Platt - Based on the Samaritan woman in John 4. He knows me and He loves me. He meets me WHERE I AM and says I.am.for.you. YES!!! We have a thirst to believe, belong and be loved.  Jesus is for me, knows me, loves me, but NOT JUST ME. Jesus LOVES the WORLD.  If I am saved and satisfied, I am to be sent! 

Josi wasn't the only tired one! 

It was a great weekend. I'm glad we went. I will be alert for more opportunity for community at ACF. 

GRACE NOTES: 

1. A great end to an emotional week. 

2. Time spent with these gals...both in the family and in the church family. 

3. Julie and Jessica made table discussions comfortable. 

4. Encouraging messages from some of my favorite teachers. 

Friday Thoughts

Friday - it has felt like a very long week. 

I've been sad the past couple of weeks. There's no rhyme or reason for when emotions hit, or when they go numb. I'm about ready for mine to go numb for a bit. ::snort::   I've gotten used to random tears, but this level of sadness is something new. I've been struggling with being so disappointed with God. I talked with another family member who shared a struggle with anger recently and had been initially disappointed with God. I WAS angry but now I'm sad and disappointed. I guess we're all just cycling through emotions at different rates and speeds. Note - I KNOW how very good God is. I just sort of thought He would do all the amazing "hedge of protection, psalm praying and believing" type of work in our lives...and He didn't. I'm not having a crisis of faith. I'm honestly expressing my emotions and lament to God and HE MEETS ME THERE.  Pastor Brian asked us last Sunday to "name the offense so it can be healed." I immediately thought of a couple of offenses...and realized while I wouldn't say I'm offended at God; I am terribly sad and disappointed. I named it - God is healing it. 

I also loved the focus this week on my part and God's part in forgiveness. Justice is HIS part. He's a good father and he takes seriously the abusing and taking of one of his children's life. While the legal system may tie me in knots...it's not MY job to get justice for Josiah. I have forgiven the accused murder defendant. While I will pray for the legal system to work, I KNOW ultimately a loving God will make sure there IS justice.  

I'm not a saint y'all. At this point I wake daily to find I need to forgive Mr. JJ again...or maybe it's affirming I have already forgiven him...or most likely...I forgave him months ago and as each new impact of that offense becomes apparent, I have to forgive that as well.  I'll leave it to the theologians to figure out which it is...I only know it IS a daily walk. 

All this focus on soul condition and mental health is HARD WORK.  

I am thankful for the verses on forgiveness, justice, trust, boundaries and shaking the dust off your feet the girls and I have been looking at this week. Good conversation with Stacia yesterday and another good conversation - though it went different directions - today with Allie.  Lots of processing going on for all of us lately. Our church series on forgiveness, with accompanying devos is timely for our family. 

Do you see what is behind Allie? Snow - April 12th. #AlaskaSpring! 

In an effort to stretch out my counseling visits, I've been going every two weeks. The girls are going to various therapists weekly.  I'm thankful Hope to Alaska picked up my sessions or I would not have gone...and I DO think it is helpful. Even just co-pays add up in these days of inflation. ::snort:: I have been joking to the family I started therapy last, and I was about to become the first graduate from counseling. ::snort:: Today, was to be my last session. He asked how I was doing, and I admitted I've been sad... a lot sadder than I have previously been. We talked through some things I knew I needed some input for...and then he said, "I would like to ask Hope to Alaska if we can extend your sessions. Is that ok with you?"  I agreed. We will meet next week and hopefully know if they will pick up more sessions. If not, I'll probably wait until one or both of the girls graduate. LOL 

I got home just in time to pack for the weekend. 

GRACE NOTES: 
1. Counselor/therapists who care and have the tools to give that extra boost when you can't quite see your way through the fog. 

2. Family and friends with which to journey. 

3. The word of God written and whispered.