Today...

Late last night I learned a lesson. ASK FOR HELP. My hand was cramping when I finally asked Michael if he would be willing to help me punch holes in photos. He took the whole stack....look at this! 

I was able to finish tagging the candy which was already bagged. 

I went into town and spread some kindness....and picked up groceries and Dad's meds. I dropped off candy at the pharmacy, the library, a diner and the hair salon. 

Carrie, the girls, Krista and Luke all arrived back in state last night or early this morning. Luke and Krista needed to pick up their fur babies. Krista stopped here with Nuska, while Luke went further up the hwy to pick up Reno. Michael and Krista looked over the possibilities for her upcoming assignment. They will be moving June 2025. This new system allows a person to bid for positions they would like and then the Wing Chaplains bid on those who they see they would like to have....we'll see if it matches up better than the old Dream Sheets. ::snort:: 

Allie and Stacia did homework. 

Stacia dropped off mugs of kindness at the college. She found this harder than expected. She decided she didn't want to eat dinner at the college with the mugs staring at her. Mike, me, GG, Nolan, Luke and Krista met her for dinner in town. She then headed back to class. Her prof had taken a mug and told her she was free to leave whenever she'd like too. She opted to come home. 

We're hearing of random kindness others are doing in memory of Josiah - and it makes me smile! 

GG is slowing down. Michael is catching up on youtube. The girls and I are going to catch an episode of Gilmore Girls.  

Tomorrow will be another hard day. 

GRACE NOTES:

1. All our travelers are home safe. 

2. It was fun to pour over the assignments list with Krista and later Luke. 

You Can Cry in Your Sleep and Other Things We Learned This Year

 As we reflect on the past year, here are some of the things we have learned or know in a deeper way -  random reflections from the first year of grief.

• You can cry in your sleep. 
• All grief is hard.
• God welcomes ruthless honesty - and my relationship with him deepens when I trust Him enough to be honest with Him about my emotions. 
• We've lost parents - losing a child is a new kind of hard. 
• Losing a loved one to homicide leads to "complicated grief." 
• Grief is not something to "walk through." It is, instead, something which becomes a part of you, as you walk with it into the new normal. 
• God is WITH us - always. 
• Worship is essential! Worship changes our perspective and strengthens our soul. 
•  Since we believe loved ones will be worshipping in heaven, worship is something I can still do with Josiah. 
• Catching the criminal is not the end of the journey to justice. 
• The legal system is not at all like you see on TV. 
• Some people will try to "fix you," encourage you to get back to "normal," and leave when they can't accept the change you are walking through. 
• People get busy and move on. 
• You will most likely be hyper-focused on your loss. Others will get distracted. 
• Other people will step close and simply "sit in the ashes," with you. Hang on to these people. 
• People will say horrible, hurtful, unhelpful things - usually they mean well. 
• Most Bible stories have a human element we tend to gloss over. Yes, God blessed Job and Naomi, but they carried their losses their whole lives. I understand more (still not fully) the pain of a Father watching a son be tortured and killed. I understand Jonah's struggle at praying for mercy and being used to share the good news with his enemies. 
• Counseling is helpful. 
• People like to be comfortable - this can lead to wanting a comfortable faith - all the answers. We have wrestled, and still wrestle, with many issues of faith.  This is too much for many. 
• We have lost the ability to chit chat for more than about 5 minutes. This is uncomfortable for many. 
• We, and our faith, are uncomfortable for many. 
• Cliches and platitudes - Christian or secular - are not helpful.
• This family is strong. We can do hard things. We also, have little choice. It's this or...
• You will think you CANNOT live another day - you will. 
• You don't know what you don't know until you walk through deep darkness. 
• I wish we had known what we know now earlier...but then what would it have taken to get there...
• I prayed to have His heart and He allowed mine to be  broken.  What does that say about His heart?

This is not a complete list. 

It's Flannel Monday

It's been a full year of Flannel Mondays. 

Oct 21, 2023 is the last day Mike and I saw Josiah. Last year it was a Saturday, and we'd gathered to celebrate Larissa, Carrie and Charles' birthday - and to be together. 

Wednesday will be one year since the unthinkable happened and Josiah was murdered while at work. We've learned much in this year. We've been shaken. We've had some heartbreaking secondary losses; but we're still standing! We are seeking to turn our attention outward. Obviously, the natural inclination is to turn inward and there's a lot of that too. In the midst of the grief over evil cruelty we want to focus on extending kindness, gratitude and grace. Motivated by Josiah's memory, and the love of God which shined through his life, we plan to commit random acts of kindness in his memory throughout the week. 

As Michael and I talked over how we wanted to journey through this week, we looked for ways for us to be together, space for those who want to be alone, and ways for the grands to be a part of the week - but not overwhelmed by our emotions. My eyes have been leaking off and, on all day,...receiving this photo from Arielle made me smile.  The boys were excited to pass out their gifts at therapy today...and at the park too. Yes, this is a good focus for us. 

📷by Arielle

I think we'll show photos throughout the week of random kindness given in honor of Josiah's memory. These are the sorts of things we usually keep secret and off the blog...but since this is in remembrance of Josiah - it seems o.k. 

The grief hit hard this morning and will probably hang around more like a tidal wave than a surfer's wave this week.  We appreciate your prayers for Josiah's girls (Carrie, Livie, Josi), Michael and me, his 9 siblings (10 really because Larissa is certainly a beloved sister), all the nephews, nieces, co-workers/friends who will be missing Josiah this week. 

The girls had work and college. Michael slept in late. GG has been reading. I spent some time on clerical tasks for Jared's campaign, and then added photos to the gift cards. I'm not quite sure how we're giving these out. Every time I think I have a plan Michael says to be random.

I counted out 20 packets for Michael to deliver tomorrow. I have a zillion more photos to attach to bags of candy and I need to get out and about and drop them off here and there too. ... but where? 

BreZaak wasn't able to attend Saturday due to Trudy being ill. She and the kids are putting together packets at their house. Bre ran out and covered the Urgent Care parking lot. I love it. That's a spot we can hit every day I would imagine if you are in that parking lot a touch of kindness would brighten your day. 

📷by BreAnne

I can see next year maybe the card should include a link to a post about who Josiah was - as telling the story over and over is not the easiest thing to do....

When Michael woke up, he immediately asked if I wanted a fire. We tossed it around a bit but decided today is a good day for our first fire of the year! Michael edited a paper for Stacia and worked on cross word puzzles and such today. I would imagine he's a bit sore as he fell down our stairs last night. We discovered our banister, which we were told would never break, can in fact pull away from the wall. 

GRACE NOTES: 

1. These grandchildren are such a blessing. 

2. The opportunity to honor Josiah. 

3. So many who have stayed so close to us throughout the year; though thousands of miles away...texts, zoom calls, emails, surprise gifts... God truly has built, and will continue to build, a community for us in which to love and be loved. 

Birthdays and Random Acts of Kindness

 We met today to celebrate Larissa and Charles' birthdays...

Charles was VERY excited for his birthday. His birthday is the 21st and CoRielle celebrated earlier. They knew the 21st may be hard...the date of our October celebration last year, the last time most of us saw Josiah. They celebrated a week or so ago and Charles has been convinced he was 4! Then they came to OUR house for another birthday party - and now, he's 5! He'll be 18 in no time at all. 

We are certainly thankful to have this little man in our family.  Yes, he's come with quite a few challenges, but Cory and Arielle are amazing parents to this little guy and his spark adds life to all of our lives. Larissa's sweet spirit, her gift of mercy and service spread such peace and calm in our family. She blesses us in so many ways! We are thankful Jared found her! 

I kept it simple this month - pasta and a couple of kinds of sauce, salad and fresh sourdough bread. The boys had quite a discussion about which sauce was best. 

I believe they chose different sauces. 

Gifts, cake and then Jared played downstairs with the boys...Cory watched Ellie...and the rest of us worked on putting together packets for the upcoming week.

We have decided to do as many random acts of kindness in Josiah's honor as we can in the upcoming week. We've collected candy, mugs, hot chocolate, tea and coffee, gift cards....and Larissa designed a card to accompany everything.  I originally envisioned covering his hometown, Eagle River, but we do NOT want anyone to start saying we are playing off Josiah's loss for a campaign stunt for Jared...and we don't want to taint the jury pool either.... we'll scatter kindness around the valley this year. 

The assembly line

I'm excited about this...a chance to surprise others, something happy to look forward to during a hard week. At this point we have 22 gift cards, 20 mugs, 144 bags of candy...and BreZaak and CoRielle each have their own candy/gift cards and cards. We're also trying to work out a way to give away Chick Fil A sandwiches on the 23rd in Josiah's honor. This would be MUCH easier if we HAD a Chick Fil A up here. ::snort::  The card says, "Please accept this random act of kindness in honor of Our Hero...."

I saw this idea from Philip and Megan, a couple we knew at our last assignment. They lost their son, Hunter 9 years ago. They've begun this practice...and Michael and I loved it. We will probably start spreading things around and continue it through the week. If you're a business in the Valley that would like a basket of goodies let us know. 

GRACE NOTES: 

1. Busy day with many of the family. 

2. Charles and Larissa. 

3. Random Acts of Kindness. 

Grief is Tumultuous

Here are some thoughts which have been bouncing around in my head, heart and soul. 

Several months ago, I was struggling with the fact I simply wasn't able to jump back into activities I previously loved and handled with ease. I find myself distracted, impatient with chit chat, and with folks who were SOOO upset over things I consider inconsequential.  My "lack of normalcy" and failure to progress as others seemed to think I should on the grief journey frustrated me. I was doing well - until I wasn't. I was strong - until I was weak. My faith could move mountains, until I was immobilized by fear and longing.  

My honest replies make others uncomfortable when they ASK, "How are you doing?"  I've lost some filter for social interactions others possess. My emotions are intense, my relationships have a deeper sense of intention to them, I'm acutely aware of how fleeting time can be. 

 Around this time Lee, a friend from food co-op, shared she had a friend who lost a child to violence. She said the process of grief and the trial was tumultuous! 

Tumultuous! 

"Loud, excited, confused, disorderly." 

Yes. That's it. Grief is tumultuous! Grief takes many forms; at times quiet and solitary, at times demanding and grating. It's disorderly. It's confusing. It's NOT linear. Having a WORD helps things fall into place. There is a word for what I feel - the word is tumultuous! 

This fall has been harder than I expected. Several family members have mentioned fall being difficult. We have so many fun memories in the summer and fall and Josiah is right in the middle of them. This year he is conspicuously absent. We feel the "anniversary" drawing near...there is a sense one is allowed to mourn for the year of firsts and then, like magic, all will be well and "normal." 

But it's not. 

When we lived in Japan, we saw our adult children once a year. This isn't so very different...and yet as one year draws near there are no anticipated visits. It is totally different. The permanence of Josiah's death begins to take root down deep in my heart and soul. 

In so much of life and faith we live with the tension of the now and not yet. We experience the same tension in our grief. The permanence of loss and the hope brought by our faith in Jesus. This world is not the end. All justice does not have to come from the world's system. We will see Josiah again. We will. And yet now...it hurts. Now I forgive AND I wrestle with the need to pray for the one who robbed us of Josiah. Some days I dream of redemption and some days I dream of justice.

Sometimes it's a dull ache and sometimes it's a tearing, ripping pain.  Sometimes it's a sense of loneliness in the midst of a family gathering and sometimes it's a sweet memory. 

It's disorganized, unexpected, ever-changing. 

I have wrestled with Christian cliches, with secondary losses, with issues of faith I thought were settled years ago...one thing I have known through it all...God remains with me. Always. In the pit of despair and on days when I feel like I'm handling it well.  When we are too much for others...we are never too much for God. God doesn't care what we are DOING, he cares about who we are becoming. 

I'm finding community with those who are willing to take off masks and admit there is pain, there are questions, there are things we cannot fix.  We are not meant, after all, to fix ourselves. So much of the time when we "get it wrong" it's because we are uncomfortable admitting the tension we are surrounded by - we want a quick faith that will fix all. 

God offers something better - His presence, His faithful love - a love that invites honest emotions and questions. 

So - "How am I today?" 

I am moving forward on the tumultuous journey of grief. I'm learning to live with the tension of incredible loss and fantastic hope and to be honest with both the loss and the hope, the joy and the sorrow... I have taken great strides in being comfortable with making space for all the emotions, all the grief, all the memories, the tension and with being totally MISUNDERSTOOD by those who have never had to walk this journey. 

While some fear I've lost a measure of faith, the reality is my faith is deeper, my relationship with God much more authentic. I have never felt His censor of my grief.  He is with me in the lament. I have discovered that's enough. 

And, who knows, with time I may become comfortable with chit chat once again...right now I can handle about 5 minutes. 

What DID we do today?

We had a day with nothing on the calendar! Nothing. 

We filled it with chores. Michael moved the trampoline form, put hoses up, transplanted a tomato plant, washed a few buckets, helped Stacia get past Brenda's door and made two ice cream cakes for the upcoming Family Gathering. 

Stacia had homework, college and is housesitting.  

Allie is on a college break but had work.

I played with candy! Rina, a Facebook friend, offered new tips and settings which I used. I think the Tootsie Rolls worked better at the higher temp - but the caramel...ah, the caramels. 

Check it out! Each one of those balls are delightful bits of Werther's caramel...and each ball is only 1/8th of ONE Werther's. Mom hack - kids feel like it's a treat and it's just a tiny bit of the norm. LOL I've got 8 quarts of candy sealed today.... tomorrow I must get back to carrots. I feel as if we are well prepared with sweets for any supply chain disruption.   ::snort:: 

Skittles, Werther's, Tootsie Rolls, Gummy Worms,
Caramel MnMs and Nerds Gummy Clusters

I spent time in between batches of candy doing a bit of clerical volunteering for Jared's State Senate campaign. 

We had leftovers for dinner. 

OH - I finally admitted it was time to pull the green tomatoes, it was in the 20's this morning. I'm hoping they will continue to ripen. 

In other monumental news, Stacia has finally lost her last fingernail. I have NEVER seen anyone deal with Hand, Foot and Mouth like she has had it.  She has had this pain since July...but finally the last nail has fallen off. We are so thankful her toe nails didn't all fall off too! 

GRACE NOTES:

1. Michael. 

2. A boringly, ordinary day doing piddly chores. 

3. Progress. 

Soul Treats

"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God." Ps 42:11 ESV

I've been spending a lot of time in Psalms. The first time I read through them this year I have raw, argumentative notes in my margins.  Things like "goodness and mercy??? Why didn't Josiah see this?" But, of course, he did, and does, see goodness and mercy. 

The term "spiritual bypass" is becoming familiar to me. This is the syndrome where we (or others) slap a bright, happy Christian band-aide over a wound instead of admitting and processing our emotions...which leads to HEALING.   Each time I make it through Psalm's I see deeper understanding in the margins. It takes TIME to walk through the valley. 

Verses like the one above, which I'm using for memory work this week, gave me the freedom to ask my soul, "How are you today?" And then to listen and pray about how I truly am on any given day.  Obviously, as the 23rd approaches I DO find my soul downcast and in turmoil quite often and I KNOW why....but I also know where to look for hope. 

I'm rambling...this morning I found my soul excited. I knew it was going to be a day with PEOPLE, and I do love my people! The day turned out to be full of soul treats. 

Brenda invited me to her home for tea today.  There was a time when she and her husband, Carl, were in our home weekly.  Much has changed since that time - grief, first for Brenda and now for us. We have to be intentional now to see each other.  We spent a lovely couple of hours chatting about life, grief, church communities (hers and ours), her upcoming travel and our upcoming events.  It is great to connect, we need to do it more often. My time with Brenda always refreshes me deep down in my soul. We are somewhat kindred spirits and it's good to be in community again.  No pictures - I'm not brazen enough to photo friends for the blog without permission and we were instantly talking - forgot the photos. 

It was also a TREAT for the soul when Larissa and Noah stopped by just to visit Michael and me. We love having everyone together at once and we also cherish our one-on-one time with smaller groups of the kids. As we talked about plans for the upcoming Family Celebration and then the days up to the anniversary of Josiah's death, she offered to design the card we planned to design to give away. Larissa is so much more creative than me. 

We are three weeks away from the general election. While I know most eyes are focused on the federal election, ours also focus local. Jared has been through the district so many times. I think Jamin has gone out nearly as many times. I was glad these two visited us while Jared knocked on doors. Three more weeks...and there will be a bit of rest after this hectic season. 

Check out Noah's sweatshirt! 

We have started having Nolan over for dinner and an episode of "Lost in Space" on Wednesdays. He hasn't been feeling well but has been to the doctor and is on the way to better. He's cut out all gluten, in addition to the previously cut out dairy. It was great to see him tonight. There is nothing better than having adult children visit. Hang in there tired mamas...you will reap the reward of your current investment. 

I looked forward to a new freeze-drying adventure today! Things didn't go quite as expected. I had my first freeze dryer "fail" today. 

Tootsie Rolls, Gummy worms, Caramel MnM, caramels,
Skittles, Nerds clusters

I am trying to get a variety of candy ready for Saturday. Stacia has TMJ and can't eat many of her favorites due to her jaw, freeze-drying allows the flavor with an easier texture.  All turned out good except for the Werther's soft caramels. I cut each piece into 3 and STILL they blew up over the sides of the tray, stuck on the tray holders...I will try again. Allie and my favorite are Caramel MnM, she also likes Skittles, Stacia likes the Nerd clusters, Michael's favorite is Tootsie Rolls. Oddly enough the Tootsie Rolls did not blow up like the caramels. 

About those caramels...I think it will make a delicious popcorn sprinkle! 

Yes, it's been a good day....

GRACE NOTES:

1. Brenda, a friend who understands much and is willing to try to understand the rest. 

2. So fun to spend some time with Larissa and Noah.

3. Time with Nolan.