You Can Cry in Your Sleep and Other Things We Learned This Year

 As we reflect on the past year, here are some of the things we have learned or know in a deeper way -  random reflections from the first year of grief.

• You can cry in your sleep. 
• All grief is hard.
• God welcomes ruthless honesty - and my relationship with him deepens when I trust Him enough to be honest with Him about my emotions. 
• We've lost parents - losing a child is a new kind of hard. 
• Losing a loved one to homicide leads to "complicated grief." 
• Grief is not something to "walk through." It is, instead, something which becomes a part of you, as you walk with it into the new normal. 
• God is WITH us - always. 
• Worship is essential! Worship changes our perspective and strengthens our soul. 
•  Since we believe loved ones will be worshipping in heaven, worship is something I can still do with Josiah. 
• Catching the criminal is not the end of the journey to justice. 
• The legal system is not at all like you see on TV. 
• Some people will try to "fix you," encourage you to get back to "normal," and leave when they can't accept the change you are walking through. 
• People get busy and move on. 
• You will most likely be hyper-focused on your loss. Others will get distracted. 
• Other people will step close and simply "sit in the ashes," with you. Hang on to these people. 
• People will say horrible, hurtful, unhelpful things - usually they mean well. 
• Most Bible stories have a human element we tend to gloss over. Yes, God blessed Job and Naomi, but they carried their losses their whole lives. I understand more (still not fully) the pain of a Father watching a son be tortured and killed. I understand Jonah's struggle at praying for mercy and being used to share the good news with his enemies. 
• Counseling is helpful. 
• People like to be comfortable - this can lead to wanting a comfortable faith - all the answers. We have wrestled, and still wrestle, with many issues of faith.  This is too much for many. 
• We have lost the ability to chit chat for more than about 5 minutes. This is uncomfortable for many. 
• We, and our faith, are uncomfortable for many. 
• Cliches and platitudes - Christian or secular - are not helpful.
• This family is strong. We can do hard things. We also, have little choice. It's this or...
• You will think you CANNOT live another day - you will. 
• You don't know what you don't know until you walk through deep darkness. 
• I wish we had known what we know now earlier...but then what would it have taken to get there...
• I prayed to have His heart and He allowed mine to be  broken.  What does that say about His heart?

This is not a complete list.