Another Emotional Day

Ah, MAN! This has been a tear-filled, emotional day. We are realizing some days we're up and some days we're down. 

This is Michael's birthday. His first one without Josiah. We weren't sure if he'd want decorations or not. It turns out he wanted to sleep in - and that works. 

Allie and I decided to jump back into Bible Study. It was hard good. Revisiting our answers from 3 weeks ago, adding to them from this perspective, seeing how God was preparing us to walk out truths in a deeper way...It was hard, it was good. 

I wondered as we arrived if the staff would know about our loss and why we haven't been around for a few weeks.  I am usually in the cafe at least twice a week for one-on-one studies; sometimes more. I guessed a waitress would say they had missed us, and I was trying to decide how much would be appropriate to share. We walked in and the manager came out of the kitchen to hug me and voice condolences...and we teared up...she was great. Another waitress told us she prays for us daily. 

We came home. Allie studied. Stacia and I dug her car out and shoveled around some cars. Allie came out and shoveled the ramp. Michael got up and we headed out to another restaurant for his birthday lunch.  I'd not warned him what may happen. Sure enough, the waitress came over and told us how she heard about Josiah's death. She sat and cried when she was told one day at the restaurant it was our son who was shot and killed in Anchorage.  We teared up again. 

This showed us two things. We live in a small town where people really do care for one another.  And, honestly, if you're avoiding mentioning someone's loss because you don't want to make them remember, feel bad, or cry....THEY ALREADY DO REMEMBER AND FEEL BAD. I was remembering meeting Josiah, Carrie and Liv after ice-fishing on another winter day as we walked in.  I KNOW HE'S GONE. I MISS HIM.  It's not going to crush me if you share a bit of the weight...even if I tear up, I'm thankful you care. Being comfortable enough to speak up and deal with any resulting tears shows you care. It will be awkward if you don't address the elephant in the room. 

The family dropped me off at CoRielle's after lunch. I was set to watch Charles. The rest of their family were going to the docs for an ultrasound, but Charles doesn't care for small, confined spaces.  Charles wanted to read. He loves to have me read to him, and I like to do it. I told him to get his best, favorite book. He brought this one over...I'll Love You Forever....

Are you familiar with this book? I used to read it to my kids - often. On hard days I'd read it to remind myself life moves on; I WILL love my kids forever and like them for ALWAYS.... the refrain is one Michael spoke into Stacia's Daddy Bear when he was deploying. 

"I'll love you forever, 

I'll like you for always, 

As long as I'm living

my baby you'll be."

I knew I was in trouble...but I had PROMISED him his pick. I began reading...my voice wobbled, my eyes leaked...the boy in the book grows...and then he's an adult and Mama dies, and he goes home to his baby and repeats the refrain his mama had always shared with him...and it was all too much. Josiah will never again say it to Liv or ever say it to Josi and I totally lost it. As I read the book, I'd read to Arielle, to her son...

Sweet Charles looked at me, took the book and said, "Bachan, let's put this away. Let's read the heart book." 

Y'all CoRielle have worked over a year for Charles to show empathy for other's feelings, for him to begin to understand emotions. The "Heart Book" is one that talks about how our heart's feel...sometimes happy and light as a balloon...sometimes sad like an elephant is sitting on your heart... sometimes angry...Charles was NOTING my emotions and RESPONDED to my feelings...he thought the heart book may help. 

Michael's gifts haven't arrived, but we gave him cards and told him what will be arriving in time. 

Allie, Stacia and I wrote memories of Josiah in a journal. Olivia wants memories...and we're trying to collect them. 

GG went to bed, and we pulled out the small ice cream cake for tonight. The big one is for tomorrow's celebration - GG shouldn't splurge that much two days in a row. 

GRACE NOTES:

1. Supportive community - even when it's awkward at times. 

2. Sweet time with Charles. 

3. Good memories. 

4. Another year well-lived for Michael. 

Another Day

Yes, I have thoughts this evening but none I wish to share. I reread my journal and decided, yes, I don't wish to share. ::snort::  

I need daily grace - I find it sitting quietly with the word, a journal, a few word study resources and an open heart. I continue to work through how to pray for grace for a man and his mother who by all counts don't want grace or love from ME... at the same time I CRAVE justice. All I know is to do both. I pray for grace and justice. 

I began brainstorming a t-shirt I may have made.  I want to clearly keep Josiah and justice at the forefront of those court appearances, not posturing by any parties. A nice t-shirt under a flannel shirt may be a great uniform for court. We shall see. 

I have been thinking of getting a Keurig coffee maker, though Dad is the only coffee drinker in the house, and he is fine with instant. We've had so many in and out of the house in the past few weeks and I know many of them like coffee over tea....This one will be on the Black Friday sale at Walmart, but the local Walmart had them out early and the sign posted $35. They had one in this color. I tried it with loose leaf tea and it sorta kinda worked... My MAG gals will be surprised to hear the Keurig is WAY hotter than my Electric Tea Pot (seen behind the Keurig). 

Speaking of MAG gals...Melany and Lorelai came over today. I saw through her ploy to pick up her pot.  She wanted to lay eyes on me...and it was good. She sat with me...we chatted. I had trouble focusing, but it was good to be with her...and she knew I may not have the energy to meet her at a spot in town. She assured me friendships will endure; it just may take a bit more effort than previously. 

I DID run to the store to buy ingredients to make an ice cream cake. Michael has a birthday tomorrow. 

I'm weary.  

This pain doesn't go away. 

It hangs on. 

I will learn to live with it. 

GRACE NOTES:

1. Tea and scones (made by Stacy) with Melanie at our home. 

2. A Bible study that challenges. 

3. Grace for another day. 

What I Learned Today

Those who know me and a bit of my story know it was a long-fought battle for this child abuse survivor to learn to trust a loving God and to forgive loving Christians who didn't want to acknowledge the abuse. I fought long and hard - when I encountered such helpful counseling techniques as imagining Jesus with me during the abuse - to quell my questions.  I finally learned Jesus was big enough for my emotions AND my questions. 

Life continued, and I learned to forgive. This broke a dam in my spiritual walk. I experienced healing. I learned to trust God with my safety and with my kids.  My anger turned into a joy that is able to trust. I still feared being on a suspension bridge in an earthquake, and I feared the thought of knowing my kids were in trouble, and I could not get to them. Many have heard how God helped me face and conquer those fears when I was on a bridge in the Great Tohoku Earthquake AND away from home without contact with my children for days afterwards. I blogged - I'm too tired to find the link. LOL 

Life continued sending plot twists, and I rested in a God who is good and worthy of trust - even when we don't understand.  

I was in a good place trust-wise.  

And then, October 23, 2023. 

Josiah is senselessly murdered. Once again, my heart screams saying God is not very trustworthy - I KNOW THE RIGHT ANSWER, I'm telling you how it feels. I've journaled around and around the issue. I know good parents allow hard things into their children's lives. I know children don't get everything they ask for. I know God is good, kind, loving, worthy of trust...but He also feels VERY unsafe. I feel He broke my trust. I know He will continue bringing good from our pain and loss. I see glimmerings of what He is doing. I'm working my way back to trust. I am. 

Carrie has shared Josiah taught Livie to live brave. That stayed with me. I observed Olivia becoming braver and more willing to take chances in the past few years. Why? How did Josiah help Liv be brave? What did he do to encourage her? 

She enjoyed a relationship with a loving father who was trustworthy. I came across these photos while prepping to blog our Sept trip to Pyrah's farm.  The presence of a father who waited patiently with arms outstretched made all the difference this day for Liv.  Livie wanted to jump but was unsure of the whole endeavor. Josiah patiently waited and encouraged her. 

 

When she was ready, she did the brave thing. She jumped. He caught her. He celebrated her bravery with her.  It was beautiful to observe. 

Seeing those memories and now knowing things were about to change in ways we could not begin to grasp is bittersweet for sure. As I look at the photos and blog, a few pieces slide into place. 

What Josiah did for Olivia, my heavenly Father does for me. He challenges me to trust Him in the scary times. He doesn't chide or berate; He loves; He waits; He encourages.  He lets me voice my doubts and fear and just keeps waiting until I'm ready to take the scary jump.  He catches me and celebrates with me.

Yes, He values my trust.  I believe He also values my authentic relationship with Him. He was o.k. when I told Him how very angry I was...first at Him and then realizing the anger should be at evil. He was o.k. when I feel he's untrustworthy and unsafe because it is better to address the relationship authentically than to pretend everything is fine. One path leads to an intimate relationship with Jesus; the other leads to bitterness and rejection - there is no peace with God if it is based in deception. Have you even READ Psalms? The one path leads to wholeness even in the mess. The other path, pretending all is well...leads to hypocrisy. That is a place I know my heavenly Father does not want me to go not-even-for-one-minute. Therefore, I will trust even here...

#CourageousJoy #superflycy #HEMAKESMEBRAVE #thatllpreach

Later in the day...GRACE NOTES

1. News of the arrival of Stephen JOSIAH born to Stephen and Kathleen.

2. Michael returned things to the church when I caught some bug.

3. A call from Kenzie - finding companionship on a journey no one chooses.

Grieving Right vs Grieving Well

 We've gone back and forth before posting this...but we attempt to walk with authenticity and sometimes it's messy.  We KNOW any of the comments below were meant well. We've probably said one or two of them before ourselves. Really, in the future when a friend is grieving, we will be more like Job's friends at the first...when they came and sat...before they began speaking. LOL  We will sit until God clearly shows the time is right to begin sharing "truth." Grace and truth. Together. Sometimes just waiting for the right time is the required grace. 

Photo by Carrie - dip netting! 

Dorothy, commented on FB that Michael and I seemed concerned about grieving correctly and it seems we worry about letting people or God down. Her comment made me think, and then it made US think together.  She's right. Why is THAT concerning us? 

We've been thinking about it all day. Why in the world would we even attempt to carry THAT burden at THIS time?

As a "professional," Michael has helped young widows, widowers and airmen through the process of grief. While we all say there isn't a right or a wrong way to grieve, there are stages and a process...and it's undeniable some people seem to heal better than others.  

Then there are the books, "Grieving GOD'S Way," for instance. If there is a GOD'S way, it stands to reason that would be the RIGHT way to grieve and, therefore, there would be an UNgodly way to grieve - which would be the wrong way. If there's a "Good Grief," there must be a bad grief. If there's a "Path Through Pain," or a hope of "Getting to the Other Side of Grief," one had better find the right path so as not to get hopelessly lost inside of grief.  (Note, these may be great books, I've not purchased any of them - just tried to figure out which may help and then decided I didn't have the energy to decide).

Then comments...well-meaning I'm sure, or maybe unthinking...

 "You're so strong, I could NEVER do this. " 

No. We're not. We're a mess. We're shattered. We're bruised. We walk with One who IS strong and we're pretty sure He carries us most of these days.   And may we gently ask, "WHAT CHOICE DO ANY OF US HAVE?"  Sitting down and saying, "We can't and we're not going to," won't change a thing. 

"I'm sure it's getting easier every day." 

No, it's not. 

"We don't have the resources to deal with so much grieving." 

Frankly, neither do we. We certainly don't want to be a drain. So, what should we do? 

"You should be feeling better by now."

Um...maybe we should, and maybe sometimes we do, but most times we do not. One friend reports she sat on her patio and went nowhere for a week after her dog died. She figures, and we concur, we're fine to be in a fog a bit longer than 3 weeks. And REALLY!?! 

"I could NEVER pray for my son's murderer." 

We hope you never have to. It's the hardest thing we've ever done.  The God who carries us tells us to pray for our enemies. While we are convinced the man is not our enemy - Satan is our enemy - we also know he's the hardest person we've ever tried to pray for, and De'Etta found it nearly too much to be next to his mother in court, though we didn't find out who she was until after the fact. The same Jesus who said, "Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted," also said, "pray for your enemies." 

On the other hand, don't glibly tell one of our family they need to "pray and forgive," especially if you can't even be civil and forgive or show grace to the teenager who gets your order wrong at McDonald's.  

So...our profession, the books, the comments...all pushing relentlessly towards figuring out how to get through, out of, or off of the path of this grief... and add to this we are both teachers by spiritual gifting and practice. We take seriously the admonition to handle the Word accurately, and we understand we will be held accountable for teaching doctrines which are off-base or out-of-kilter. 

Yes, one starts to subliminally think there is a way to handle this heart-rending grief, and if we could just figure out the secret key, everything would fall into place. 

We hear it helps to "get back to normal" and we hear to "give yourself grace," and we wonder HOW...thus the prayer request from last night. Dorothy's observation was accurate. We have been trying to be sure we do it "right." 

We can't carry that load. 

We don't know how to walk this one out in a way that honors Jesus. We've never walked this way before. Oh, we've lost parents and that was some preparation.

BUT 

We've never lost a grown son before. 

We've never grieved with a daughter-in-law and grand-daughter before like this.

Our children have never lost a brother before.

We've never had such violence reach into our family before. 

We can't carry the burden of what others say or think at this point.  If we grieve "wrong," we will pray for grace to have no one follow us. 

The only thing we're convinced of is we need to continue pressing into Jesus. We need to keep being authentic and honest with Him.  He CAN handle it...and we hope this post isn't too authentic. Our heart is not to offend. We're processing.

Yes, this has been a hard day. 

Three weeks, and he is not here and never will be... We will go to him. 

I, De'Etta, discovered photos of Josiah and Liv which made me smile and made me cry. (I'll post them in a different post). 

We've lost much.

We still have much. 

Both can be true at the same time. 

ONE THING: Our one thing besides grieving and spending time with Jesus was hunting down decor and gifts for four of our grandchildren who will be celebrating birthdays at this month's family gathering on Saturday. 

GRACE NOTES: (Tonight I'm thankful for...)

1. Lynette sent a recounting of a conversation she overheard at Josiah's Celebration of Life. 

2. We are hearing a tiny bit of the good God is working out of this mess. 

3. A sweet daughter in law who sent this photo at just the right moment. There is still so, so much grace in our lives. 

Noah's mealtime - photo by Larissa

4. No new snow today! 

We're trying to get the energy to build a sledding run out here!

5. Michael Nortune, the president of our denomination, Open Bible Churches, sent a very sweet and caring condolence letter to us on the loss of Josiah. 

6. The pumpkin is full...

7. Our kids started a family text-thread. It's good to laugh at silly antics in the midst of "this." 

Three Weeks - Snowy Day

 It's been 3 weeks since that fateful day. 

Three short weeks which feel like an eternity. 

Words fall short of expressing my thoughts and emotions.  

I don't have the energy to try this evening. 

My "one thing" other than grieving today was writing a couple of thank you notes, and driving to the mailbox and dropping them in. I also cooked dinner and got ON the treadmill. I did not turn the treadmill on. This is the second day I've climbed on and decided I didn't have the energy to turn it on. I'm going to have to push through that. LOL 

We are preparing for our monthly family celebration this upcoming Saturday (the waterworks start just typing that). When one walks into our home one of the first things they see as they look up into the living room from the entry is Mike's recliner and one of the couches. Josiah and Carrie usually showed up a couple hours early for family celebrations. Josiah always sat in the same spot on the couch and visited with Mike.  They were also on hand to help with last minute food prep and hauling tables and chairs. When family have visited, that spot on the couch is glaringly empty. We're not afraid of tears, but Carrie shared she had rearranged some furniture and that helped. After dinner I moved the couch and recliners to break it up a bit. We'll see if it helps. 

Railing was cleared last night

In other news - we woke up to ANOTHER 6 inches of snow. It IS much more beautiful with the assurance Shawn will be by to plow the driveway. I think we're falling in love with Shawn. LOL  The other company had a fleet of fancy trucks ...but BALD TIRES and didn't push the snow down the hill. Shawn fixed that last night and was by before 0900 this morning clearing the driveway again.  The second vehicle closest to the house is my van...it was clear when we went to bed. Stacia's vibe is behind the van and it is TALLER than the van now due to snow. LOL 

Shawn in the blue truck 

On days like this I really question our chicken raising aspirations. Allie had mercy on me and took care of them this morning. There were 22 eggs, so the cold isn't bothering them too much. They stand in the space under the roof and squawk at us. I'm sure they are complaining about the white stuff. They are all in the coop every night...even when we let them range throughout the property. One hen stayed out all night once last week...I'm pretty sure she won't do THAT again.  They don't leave that square once the snow arrives. 

And just like THAT - all the weeds from the garden plot are out of sight!

Look at the snow in the toddler swing! 

It snowed all day. Michael needed to dig out cars and, in the process, got the snow blower out and took care of the front area by the cars, and then the whole driveway... another 4 - 6 inches had accumulated. Jamin said we could have called Shawn back. WHUT? I passed that on to Michael, but he said he needed to do the cars anyway. 

We had dinner. The girls are in the process of attending their college class via zoom. 

It's getting dark around 4 p.m. now. We're in the season of long winter nights.  This was 4 p.m. 

Today's Grace Notes:

1. Alaska is beautiful in white. 

2. Jamin has blessed us this winter with snow removal, and we are grateful. 

3. Three weeks - and we are still surviving. 

4. I pulled out the notes from yesterday's sermon and they were still so very helpful. 

Prayer Requests: 

1. Mike and I are just not sure how we're supposed to grieve the loss of Josiah. Pray with us to know when we need to "suck it up" and when we need to "show ourselves grace." 

2. Pray for each member of the family as we grieve. 

3. We feel a component of this season is spiritual warfare, pray with us that everything the enemy intended would be thwarted and that no seeds of bitterness would take root in our family.

4. Please pray with us that God brings lots and lots of good for this horrible situation. 

Club Beyond was so good for our kids

Mourning Mind Tricks

The mind is an amazing thing and coupled with grief odd things can happen. LOL 

With that in mind, I am ready to confess for the past 4 or 5 days I've woken up mid-night with the feeling of holding baby Josiah. His head resting in the crook of my arm, my hands cupping his little bum while he nursed.  It seems so real. I'm up in the middle of the night nursing my first-born son. I can feel it. 

Such sweet and tender moments. 

He and I alone. 

But, wait. 

I'm in bed. 

And the last time I saw Josiah he had been savaged by evil. 

No longer the little boy, but an unassuming man of God, the type who loves big and courageously and would lay down his life to protect another. 

Like his father. 

I weep. 

I'm proud. 

I'm thankful and I grieve. 

This morning when the cycle began it was replaced with the thought of being in the room with Carrie and Jess when Josiah and Carrie's little Josi is born. I'm so very thankful for Josiah's girls. They've brought such joy to our family. 

I find I'm smiling amidst the tears. 

Sermons, Skiing and Shopping

We went two different directions today. Stacia headed to MAG to help Jenni and Kaleah with Children's church and then to lead the practice for the children's Christmas play.  I hear it went well. Bre and kids were also at MAG.

After the practice, Jenni and Stacia went to Government Peak Trail to get in some cross-country skiing.

Stacia is excited to report she did not fall at all! Not even once! 

Meanwhile, the rest of us headed up the Glenn to Eagle River where we attended church with Carrie at ACF. Church was good; spending the afternoon together was excellent. At one point, Carrie and I left and did a bit of shopping, while Allie and Livie baked cookies and played games. 

Jamin called a new snow removal man who lives right around the corner from us. It turns out he has plowed this driveway for previous owners. He came over while we were in Eagle River and moved the wall of snow left by the fancy company...pushed it down the hill just where we wanted it to be. He also plowed the whole width of our driveway! We really like this man! 

Jamin left shortly after we returned from Walmart. Michael and I were able to have a nice talk with Carrie while Liv showed Allie her massive collection of squishmallows. 

It was a good Sunday. 

Grace Notes:

1. I have been invited to attend Josi's birth with Carrie. She'll do the work, I'll do the cheering. 

2. A sermon on prayer and mental health that knocked it out of the park. 

3. Time spent with family and extended family (Carrie's family LOL).