I'm reading "Third Culture Kids" and having a great time with the book. This a.m. I'm considering that I may define words differently than the majority of Americans because of my background. An example was given of a lady whose friends were upset that she said "sorry" all the time. The book went on to say that in many cultures the word "sorry" encompasses far more than an apology.. She said that to most Americans when they hear you say "sorry" it means you are saying "I apologize". I honestly couldn't believe THIS and so I asked Mike. He assured me that that is what he thinks of if someone says "I'm sorry" without added words for context.
Wow. I queried further. I told him I say "I'm sorry" a lot of times and I'm thinking sympathy, empathy and I have no reason to apologize! He said he noticed that about me and often wonders "Why is she apologizing to that person? She had nothing to do with the situation." I suppose I assumed the hearer would KNOW when a person is expressing sympathy or apology....but it seems that I may be reading into this. {g} He said if there is added context that he includes sympathy as a meaning but if a person simply says "I'm sorry" he FIRST thinks of "I apologize".
I'm still surprised by this. I've had friends mention this “apologizing/guilt” thing to me for years. I remember a dear friend, Susan, in Hardin who told me I was the "most guilt-ridden Protestant" (she was Catholic) she'd ever met. She called us the "guilt-sisters" and it was because I said I'm sorry lot - I never really understood why saying sorry made me guilt-ridden. WHY would sympathizing with someone make me a guilt sister?
As recently as Elmendorf AFB Carleen would often tell me to "quit apologizing" and I never could figure out WHAT she meant. I don't remember apologizing when I teach. But now I'm thinking - it's this issue again. I say "I'm sorry" and I'm thinking I sympathize with your thoughts and feelings on this and she heard "I apologize for my belief" which isn't at all what I thought I was communicating and would explain why I never could figure out why she wanted me to quit apologizing....I didn't think I WAS apologizing. {g}
The advantage to this is that many probably think I apologized for things I had no intention of apologizing for - thus avoiding conflict? The disadvantage is that those I was sympathizing with may have been totally confused and think I'm a flake. Or maybe THEY were raised overseas too and understood exactly what I meant. {vbg} To further complicate the issue *I’M* teaching 9 children how to say they are sorry. I think I’m going to ask *them* what the word means.
If this is boring you to tears, "I'm sorry". :::snort::::
2 comments:
De'Etta, I use "sorry" this way, but I grew up in Massachusetts, not exactly what I'm assuming you mean by "third culture"! My husband and I often have this conversation, where he tells me something that happened to him at work, and I say, "I'm sorry," and he says, "It's not your fault," and I say, "I know, but I'm still sorry!"
But I want to try to pay more attention to this, because it seems to me that it also happens in reverse, where he tells me he's sorry, and I assure him it's not his fault. I do this because I do have a (nasty) tendency to assign blame, which of course he hates.
Language is funny!
I also wonder, Laura, if this is a gender thing. Do husbands have one definition and wives can have many for the same word? Is this really a result of being raised in OR, Africa, Philippines and now being military????
I know that I will be much more careful to define exactly what I mean. {g}
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