Friday, January 24, 2014

I'm a Mess

I'm a mess. I fail in the very places I most want to succeed. I'm a big, huge, sticky, hot mess.

"Faithful are the wounds of a friend".... I was wounded - I needed it; I deserved it. I couldn't, however, seem to get out of the pit I visited. I've been struggling. Sleepless nights, crying, restless...quoting the truth to myself, yet not living it, feeling it.

Along comes a birthday.  I don't have the energy to put on a smiling face and open gifts. I had planned to be perfect by 50. I wanted to be like Mildred, a dear saint I met in my 20's. I had planned to have conquered these areas by now. Certainly, 1/2 a century would be long enough for me to get it right.  I'm a mess. I fail - often and spectacularly - recently, continually (you know -  like the Greek present verb tense). I'm grieving and I don't want to celebrate. I don't have the energy to celebrate.

The family wants to celebrate.

"Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted." I have mourned deeply. Forgiveness was asked for and granted; yet I mourned.

I began grudgingly reading birthday wishes. Each one reminding me I'm not where I want to be at 50. As tears stream down my face,  I want to scream, "Stop! I've told you I'm a mess! I'm a failure! Don't say these things! I TOLD YOU NOT TO PUT ME ON A PEDESTAL."

But then I realize - you must see Jesus. The only way this mess could be anything like what you see is Jesus. I learn anew to  throw myself on grace. I experience the sin of unbelief which would say they can forgive, God can forgive - but *I* will not forgive myself. *I* will hold myself to a standard higher than God's. Foolishness.

Your words were a healing balm today on Facebook (and then I wonder if I'm still such a pathetic people pleaser that it takes wishes from over 160 friends to get me out of my funk). ::snort::  God has used your kind words to begin to comfort....to remind me that it's ALWAYS about His redemption, His transforming work in my life....and never about a magical age when I'll be perfect!  That was, afterall, the lesson Mildred taught us...to press on to know Jesus more every day of our lives.

 Our resident theologian has told me this is an example of progressive revelation. I couldn't handle it if I saw my real self all at once. God gives me glimpses and I am undone. But I grow. I am transformed. He said Isaiah experienced this. I suppose this is true...progressive revelations of His holiness and my humanness.....

Choosing Joy!
©2013 D.R.G.
~Coram Deo~
Living all of life before the face of God...

8 comments:

Linda said...

Dear friend, it is the very fact that you are a mess and yet you've loved the rest of us messy people via email loops or Facebook groups that makes you such a blessing. I could relate to the fact that you are unforgiving to yourself when God forgives you. This has been an ongoing struggle for me as well. It's part of why I felt led to choose "grace" as my word of the year. I need to learn to give it to MYSELF as well as OTHERS. Love you.

Berry Patch said...

As Linda said, this is why we love you so much. You are real with us. You could have easily not shared all of this here and all of us in "loopy" land wouldn't have had a clue. Thank you for being real. It helps all of us to grow right along with you. ((((hugs)))

Anonymous said...

: Mildred? Were you talking about my mom? So sorry you went through painful hurt. From a friend, I gather. I suppose it fades. And you grow stronger. I think this is the first (maybe) of your blog entries I have read. Quite powerful. And I think it will be unforgettable. The elders in my Billings church told us that saying (that your resident theologian did) that if the Lord showed us all the sin in our hearts at once, we wouldn't be able to stand it. For me, scripture has been the best: Psalm 139. Ephesians 1. I memorized them and pray them when I can't sleep. Am sure you have some the Lord has totally GIVEN to you that heal your heart too. Love, Bertha Lavell Kramlich

DeEtta @ Choosing Joy said...

Yes, Bertha, Mildred - your Mom. Your mom's pursuit of Jesus impacted us. I would even say it branded me. Precious talks in Hardin over those last years before she crossed the finish line in her earthly race. I have wanted to pursue like Mildred....but forgot that was the key....an enduring pursuit and not perfection.

Kim said...

Dear De'Etta, Happy Birthday! A friend and I were recently talking about the "50" mark that we've both reached. And how it seems that we CONTINUE to struggle with things we've struggled with forever. Kinda thought we'd have it all together by now, but...one day at a time.

Anonymous said...

It is so moving to think that my mom was a help to you! Bertha Lavell Kramlich

Anonymous said...

SIS: Love you more than you can imagine.

AS to 50 or 60 or 70 or 80 etc.... It all comes and it goes and I have found it is the pursuit, faith in God, and love that is always the same.

Only thing yucky about getting older is that the body seems to wear out. :):):):) Dad/I think the same as we always did, we think we can still do anything, etc. ONE THING REMAINS THE SAME...GOD NEVER CHANGES, JESUS IS ALWAYS TRUE AND REAL AND WE PTL FOR THAT. L/P MOM T.

Ev said...

Your transparency in your struggles has been such a blessing to me. I appreciate your blog & your focus on moving forward w/Jesus no matter what the world dishes out. I pray for you & your family when I read your blog - & I totally empathize with you. I've been thinking lately what a mess I am inside - & I am 60. But for His grace - which is what it is all about. Love you guys.