Christmas Break Has Begun

"Grief is exhausting!" 

I have heard people say the above. Now, I understand. LOL 

WOW - Stacia ILLED this first day of Christmas Break. She had a breakfast study, worked on play props, met a friend in the evening, worked on puzzles with GG, played with nieces and nephews and enjoyed a long soak in the tub, and scheduled other meet ups for the rest of the break. We got a later start for Bible study this a.m. in celebration of her first day of summer break.

We got home just in time for Michael to head to a doctor's appointment. 

At some point in the afternoon, it seemed good to just sit and enjoy a Christmas movie. Which Stacia, GG and I did. We watched our first movie from Great American Pure Flix, Twas the Text Before Christmas...We really enjoyed it. Allie got home from her last final while we were watching and commented that THIS is the Christmas break vibe. 

Allie made 100% on her final final and has officially begun her Christmas Break! Michael and I love school breaks. LOL 

Bre and the kids dropped by...Michael came home...fun day. The kids had a traumatic day at the doctor's, and we were happy to provide stress relief. 

Jojo, Gideon, Bella and Papa

Helping GG with his puzzle

Hello, Trudy! 

Annie!

Shenanigans with Papa. 

Bre needed to run as she was having Jamin over...we had leftovers for dinner. We didn't make one bit of progress on our room makeover...frankly at this point it may be easier to make an igloo in the backyard for Nate and Heather. LOL  We still have time. We wanted to get something on the list done. Michael and I worked on packets of paperwork from the Social Security admin. 

Stacia opted for a long bath when she got in for the night.  GG headed for bed. Allie, Michael and I opted for conversation over TV...though I do believe Allie and I tried a new series that left me sleeping. Oh, yes, some mocumentary on a Christian radio company. 

Christmas Break has begun! 

GRACE NOTES
1. Time to enjoy an afternoon visit with Bre and the kids. 

2. Christmas movies in the middle of the afternoon. 

3. Conversations at night. 

4. Christmas Break from college. 

 

Margin....

 Whew! 

This has been a hard week.  Is it nearly over? ::snort:: 

Yesterday was the 6yr anniversary of Mom's "passing." It was a rough day for my emotions. HOWEVER, Michael and I made significant progress on a project moving rooms around and setting up a guest room.

Jenni dropped by for tea and stayed for dinner. I really am a terrible blogger. No photos to show at all. I DO love sitting around the table with friends. 

I slept well last night - the longest I've slept without pain in years. We have a new mattress (part of the project we've been working on). 

I woke up feeling "blue." Maybe I thought yesterday would be a hard day and I made it through...today should have been smooth sailing? I don't know what I was thinking. 

I cried through my morning time with Jesus - while praying, worshipping, reading the word or sitting -  the.whole.way.through. 

Dad rang his bell, and my day was off and running. 

I had a full day planned and I was thinking I shouldn't have made plans. THAT is what is so HARD about NOW that people don't understand. On a day when I feel like I could tackle the world I make plans...and then sometimes it's just a bad day and I don't know when it will hit. Yes, I can power through and do...but it makes me reluctant to schedule anything because I never know what it will be like when the day arrives! I don't know how others are handling this - I realize if we had a job we'd have to compartmentalize much more and show up. 

After getting Dad settled, I had a fantastic zoom with my high school roommate. You wouldn't have wanted a screen shot - believe me this is not a good hair or make up day. LOL I have a blog post rattling around in my head about friendships...I really should get it written...but let me just say Lorelei was a GOD-SEND this a.m. She in Pennsylvania and me in Alaska...together via Zoom. And we re-entered the room twice.  I knew Lor would be a good one to connect with as she has walked this path, years ago when she and her husband lost their beloved son, Daniel.  She, and a couple of others have offered to talk; I've not felt up to talking. Today, I did. She let me ramble and talk about nothing at all and over-share my feelings on having a child who is a murder victim and the dynamic it adds to grieving...and the legal system... I told her some days I'm doing good and today I wasn't...and she affirmed its o.k. Life is going to be different, and I don't HAVE to try to get back to some socially acceptable "normal." She also suggested a way to handle the problem I mentioned with scheduling events. She's so wise and gracious. " I wonder if you could say, 'I would love to spend time with you and today it sounds wonderful. If the day we pick turns out to be a bad day, may I cancel?'" Um. YES. That's almost exactly what my book on grief recommended I say! Boundaries with grief....I'd love to do it if it's a good day, can I have the freedom to back out if I need to...or maybe just run out to the car for a breather or change the event from a lunch to a coffee???? Our talk would have been such a blessing just for that little interchange.  Seeing how such a simple little boundary could help made me feel strong enough to head out for my lunch date...and with that caveat have the confidence to schedule more outings. Shoot...this is just what my wise daughter in law Carrie has done. "We'd love to come, can we let you know how we are feeling when the day comes?"  I'm a sloooow learner. LOL 

Mona, Joann, Rebeka and Melany along with their youth Andrew and Lorelai met me at Sophia's for a yummy lunch. I was determined to try this month's special. It didn't disappoint.  It was fun to have the time out with these ladies - some of the best in the world. They weren't alarmed with my wonky sharing tendencies...odd things pop out at odd times...and if I teared up it would have been fine.  They were content to chit chat and they were content to go deeper when I wanted to. I was glad I went...and remembering I really could have backed out made me WANT to go. 

I got home to find Cory, Arielle and the boys were at our house. Just seven weeks ago we would not have had the margin in our lives to drop everything and be totally present with Cory and Arielle on a Wednesday afternoon. We "sort of" settled the boys with an iPad so we could visit, as the family/playroom is torn up.  I didn't have to rush out to the church. We weren't preoccupied with what we needed to do. We were able to listen and laugh and enjoy time with them.

 The girls got home from college. Stacia has taken her last final of this semester! She's totally done until the new semester begins Mid-January! Allie took the same final and has one more left for tomorrow morning. Woot! 

We threw together a kid-friendly meal from bits and pieces in the pantry and freezer and enjoyed more community around the table. 

And Michael entertained the boys while the gals cleaned up...and Cory snuck out to shovel our front...I swear all the snow from the roof slid off in the night and landed right at our front step...it was a mountain to climb over to get to my car. 

It did my heart good to see Michael and the grands enjoying each other. Grands have a way of bringing a touch of healing to life. 

Papa and Danny

Papa and Charles

Benny was harder to catch...and the young boys ran interference for him...

Perseverance paid off and in the end Papa caught Benny! 

GRACE NOTES

1. Margin in my life!  Time! 

2. Time for a long zoom with Lor, my high school roommate. 

3. Time for a leisurely lunch with friends. 

4. Time to be present with CoRielle and the boys  - and to have a drop in dinner. 

Seven Weeks - Navigating a Hard Monday

I am not having a good day. 

Seven weeks. 

Will there be a time when Mondays don't remind me of Josiah's murder? 

Will I again reach a place of easy trust that God is "watching over" my family? 

We are doing all the things they say "helps" in mourning...we've got our own routines - flannel Monday, memorial jewelry, etc. We've moved furniture around. We've paused traditions...we've put up the Christmas decorations, we are intentionally socializing, going about the normal...we're making space for all the emotions. 

Honestly, nothing HELPS, much. 

The ache doesn't go away. 

Everything is "out of kilter" or "off."  Family dynamics, sibling dynamics, caregiving, family gatherings, celebrations...everything is off...not bad...just off. 

I have so many questions to which there may be no answers. 

I have "happy" moments. 

Today, I'm sad. 

Life is hard, even when I name the good...when I relentlessly look beyond the circumstances. Yes, I can see God at work, there is joy and peace and so much love...but that doesn't mean I don't still feel and experience the ache, the pain, the emotions. Again, learning how to make space for ALL the emotions. I'm starting to think there aren't good and bad emotions...we are humans, emotions are...and we simply accept and deal with where our soul is. If I truthfully bring those emotions to God, He meets me there. Ignoring the emotions don't make me holier.

Yesterday we went to church with Cory and Arielle. Cory's sermon was on peace, and it was good and real. He mentioned the recent past...starting the week without peace and the need to focus on the Prince of Peace... and several came up to Dad after the service and said things to the effect of "We've been praying for you, we're sorry for your family's loss." 

This led to the following conversation with Dad.  "Did Cory lose someone in his family recently?"  

"Josiah." 

He said, "Josiah?" 

I commented, "Josiah was murdered." 

"Oh, yeah, I remember that."  

He often says this when we have to remind him of something he's forgotten...like a quadruple bypass or that my brother is coming to visit. 

I had been thinking he was handling grief well - maybe he isn't remembering. 

There is nothing easy about navigating this Monday. 

Hugs are welcome; prayers are always appreciated. 

The Tree is Up!

Jamin is home and came by to visit - after he shoveled his home out. Of course, it snowed the day he returned.  ::snort:: He stayed for dinner, and we enjoyed hearing about his trip. He "charged the storm." He went to the places he and Josiah loved together in West TX and he let himself feel all the emotions. The track, the church, the college, the mall, the Chick Fil A, the Twin Buttes, our old home, Lake Nasworthy... He embraced the emotions of grief. The book I am reading says to do that when you feel safe...and well...it was time. 

We decided to charge the storm in our small way tonight.  We decorated the tree. I am NOT putting up all the decor this year. There are wreaths on two doors. There is one nativity. There are a couple of pictures around and no, I am NOT wrapping all our doors and photos in Christmas paper this year. There is a tree. I only planned to put lights on it - lots of lights. 

I planned to buy 5 boxes, but Freddies was out of either multi-colored or plain white lights in boxes. I got two big spools of mini white lights. I realized I had 160 feet of lights or 8 boxes worth of lights. Michael and Jamin put the first spool on. It was nice...but we needed MORE LIGHTS. They added the 2nd spool of lights...and posed so graciously as they began adding the 2nd spool of lights.  ::grin:: 

The light shines in the darkness and the darkness cannot overcome it. 

Yep - I need lots of lights this year. 

Next, Stacia put her great-grandmother's tree topper up. I hadn't realized it could be 100 years old. I know it's at least 80 years old. 

I wasn't going to put ornaments on the tree as my ornaments are pictures and I didn't want to cry. But I have to make space for the emotions of grief.  We set this bag aside and put the others up. I'm sad I can't find a few of the photo ones we had up last year. There is also a special ornament still in the garage I won't put up this year as I think we are done going through boxes. LOL It is one Julia gave me years ago when I had a miscarriage. It's a clear glass bulb with sparkly tinsel that was for me to remember when everyone else had moved on....it has come to stand for all those we've lost - the 7 miscarriages, Grams, Uncle Bill, Mom, Dad and Mom G, Granma Ann... it's been my private memorial for decades now. It's out there somewhere. Finally, we unpacked ornaments of Josiah's Christmas'.

Yes, I teared up. This is Josiah's first Christmas. He is 10 months old; Krista is 2 and Bre is 4. 

Carrie told me having her Christmas tree up sparked a bit of joy. I see that now.  I cried...but I'm also happy. Happy to remember. Happy to have one thing normal in this crazy season.  That does NOT mean I am going to put up the outside decor or drag more boxes inside. This is enough. 

We found a new spot for the tree. I like it. We can see all sides of the tree, it can handle lots of lights, it reflects in three windows, and it makes a fun place for people to warm by the fire. 

GRACE NOTES:

1. I didn't hit the moose in the road on my way to town. This was 9 a.m.

2.  Today was the first time Stacia and I have been back to study since...

3. ALWAYS such a thrill when it snows, and Shawn shows up to plow. Jamin spoils us.  

4. Stacia and I stopped by Laura's to pick up a Christmas surprise. We got to meet her dogs and I got a hug. Some of you may know her from Little House Big Alaska, I know her from food co-op. 

5. It was certainly a note of grace to catch up with Jamin and his adventures in TX. He is prepping to move from one side of Wasilla back into a unit at the 4 plex he owns in Eagle River. We are buying something he owns...something we've been saving for years to purchase new. We'll be able to set it up in the back yard next summer....any guesses? 

IF or WHY Are you Doing THIS?

If you feel De'Etta pulling away from teaching Bible studies, serving coffee, or leading women's ministry is pulling away from God, you are wrong. 

If you think Michael moving away from leading men's ministry, giving announcements, our service in prayer on Sunday morning, or stepping away from leading a LifeGroup is us pulling away from God, you are wrong. 

If you think our leaving our church in the valley to be with our children at their church in this season is the same as "running from God," again, you are wrong. 

Know we were in 100% agreement when Holy Spirit led us to "step back from ministry, focus on family and attend church with Josiah's girls and the kids in this season."  This is "self-care" - for now.  We have no idea how long "now" will last.  Satan attempted to sow seeds of devastation and bitterness into our family. We are in spiritual warfare, and we are listening and following to the best of our ability. 

Our hearts ache at losing the community we have poured ourselves into for the past six years. We have discovered true community continues through ups and downs and changes, and while we may lose some friendships, most are still praying, still loving, and still dropping by.  We understand some feel hurt and do not understand. I've shared GG is in that boat. We are sorry for that. However, we can't stop following where Jesus has led us.  We have not forced our girls to follow us, we've encouraged them to follow where God leads them. GG is stuck with us because he can't be alone in our home for an afternoon. We are working towards solutions for him. 

It's hard to tell from what you observe where another's heart is with God. Certainly, if we were SINNING, you may be able to assume we'd pulled away from God or that God was punishing us - we remind our LifeGroup of our study through the book of Job.

But, really, are any of the things mentioned above a sin? Is it possible when we say God led us to do these things that HE has? That these very things are signs we are following CLOSE after our Shepherd. 

I, De'Etta,  have never been closer or more dependent on God than I am in this season. I wake up early and stumble to the bathroom where I stay in prayer for as long as it takes before I am assured, clothed in Jesus, clothed in His full armor, and able to walk out of the bathroom to face another day of grief. 

We have never appreciated the people (who are the church) more than we do in this season. 

We have been, by position and by gifting, pastor/teachers - those gifts haven't gone away. We will continue to shepherd and teach. We have no idea how or where, but it is who we are.  For this season, though, those gifts are directed mostly to caring for our grieving family. 

Rest assured we are not isolating - we are intentionally seeking out community. We are not avoiding the church scattered or gathered. This gift of time and margin has been a lifeline as we process through the events of the last six weeks. We have spent decades pouring out. In this season we NEED and CRAVE solitary time with Jesus. He is tending our souls and pouring back into us in ways we cannot explain. It's deeply painful; but God is with us.  Our lives have focused much on doing for God; now we simply focus on being with God. 

A friend asked De'Etta, last week what her word is for 2023. Honestly, her brain has dumped many things she once thought important. She told her she didn't have a word, but she knew in September "grace" would be the word for 2024. Since the conversation she was thumbing through her Bible and there in the margin saw her word - highlighted in passages, in her journal - "transformation/transformed." Yes, transformation, intentional prayer this year has focused on being transformed into His image. Transformation in so many areas of life. We believe this season of simply being with Jesus in a season of deep pain and confusion is transforming us. We can't tell you how just now. We recognize and sense the transforming process. And we are giving ourselves and others grace to not fully understand how or why it looks like THIS. 

If you read this and are questioning our actions, we hope this helps you reach a measure of understanding.  We realize you may not understand, but then do we ever truly understand another's faith walk?  

GRACE NOTES

1. A refreshing lunch with Sheri and Joann. 

2. We got 3 boxes of puzzles from Laura! Wow. Our winter hours are filled. LOL  The package also contained an encouraging note, some lovely ornaments and a CD of music. 

He's already picked one out to begin...

3. Jamin has been visiting in TX. Its' been fun to receive photos. Today he met SJ (Stephen Josiah) in person. How sweet it is to know Josiah's legacy will live on in his friend's son's name! 

Stephen, Kathleen and SJ - photo from Jamin 

4. Carrie and Livie are reading a chapter of Luke each evening. Fun to do it "together" apart.

Livie - Photo by Carrie 

5. I slept a bit this afternoon. I needed it. 

6. Jamin is coming home soon....

Jamin and SJ - photo from Jamin 

7. Grandchildren are simply the best. This little smile never fails to cheer me up. 

Noah - photo by Larissa 

Praying for an Enemy

We are reading a chapter of Luke every evening this Advent season. 

Luke 6:27-36. 

How do I love Jesse Jones, the defendant in the murder of my son? He would certainly count as an enemy, the person I have wanted most in my life to hate - even more than my abuser. 

I know I must love him or Satan working through him wins a major victory in my life. 

I have CHOSEN to love him - but I don't feel it at all. 

What CAN I do at this point to put love into action? 

I can forgive him - and keep forgiving him as often as I need to. I can forgive him for the impact his actions have had on my life and the lives of the friends and family of Josiah. 

I can pray for him. I would love to let myself off the hook and pray one of David's Psalms down on his head...but instead I pray for God's grace in his life, I pray for his salvation, I pray for his girlfriend and unborn child's safety, I pray conviction in his heart and the heart of all those who helped him end up where he is. I pray for his safety in prison. 

I also pray for justice. 

I can be merciful - even as my Heavenly Father is merciful. 

I don't want to. I really don't want to...but through sobs, I will and do. 

Because neither God, nor Josiah, would want me to let this man change my heart. 

It's been our family vision to love courageously...to love God wholeheartedly and love others deeply. 

This one is HARD. 

How's your Advent going?