One Monday Follows Another

One Monday follows another...it's been nearly six months and...I have no words this evening. We miss Josiah. Here is a photo from April 15, 2023. I miss watching him with his girls! 

I spent an inordinate amount of time on the phone today.  

I also paid our bills. 

Michael and Dad left sometime in here to run an errand to Lowes and then meet up with Nolan, Jamin and Krista for dinner in town. 

My Costco buddy showed up to drive to Anchorage with me.  She talked me into the membership and our plan was to drive up once a month after church/lunch...life changed, and we've not done this since I first got the membership. It was fun to have someone to chat with on the way to Anchorage...I managed to find over $500 worth of groceries to buy...but alack and alas they no longer have 50 lbs of BREAD FLOUR!!!! I cannot keep buying it in the 5 lb bags...I'm going through a lot of it and they are charging $8-10 per bag in town. Jenni, my Costco buddy, and I were so busy talking I forgot to stage any of the fun Costco photos I had planned. 

I did take this photo after I had put 1/2 the groceries away. 

The girls got home from their evening class....

I'm ready to settle in with a good book for the night. 

GRACE NOTES: 

1. Jenni. 

2. Those in our community who have stuck with us for twenty-four weeks. 

We Love Sundays

Dad woke saying his head and throat hurt.* We made the decision for me to stay home with him, while Michael and the girls went in for church. Larissa snapped this and texted it. Noah's shirt says, "It was Papa's idea!"  I love three generations in this photo of the church gathering. 

Papa, Jared and Noah

Dad and I watched online. I like gathering with others...but it WAS nice to turn up the volume enough so Dad could hear, to pause Pastor Brian when he shared faster than I could write, and not to worry about finding seats together. ::snort:: 

 Last week's message, So You Think You're Better Than Me was on forgiving favoritism and jealousy. It was stellar. Today's message, Forgiving Through Abuse and Trauma was also fantastic. The life of Joseph threads through the series.  Here are a few shots I took during the message to help with notes...I'll replace the ones I took with screenshots as I see them and eliminate the glare. ::snort::  One of the girls commented these are the very points I have made, repeatedly. It is always affirming when someone else says what you've been saying, says it better and you get lumped in with them. ::snort::  As we discussed the sermon around the table this evening the observation was shared Brian's messages have been on the issues various ones have us have wanted to hear addressed in church...each topic from unanswered prayer, to sexuality, to forgiving abuse and trauma has been real, raw and handled with grace. I agree.  I loved that he gave clear definitions for abuse and trauma and had talked with the licensed therapists in the church to be sure to have concrete and accurate definitions. 

Abuse - any action someone uses to dominate, control, or harm another person for their benefit. This can be mental, physical, emotional or sexual. He gave examples of what abuse is and isn't. 

Trauma - results from an event experienced by an individual as physically or emotionally harmful or life threatening, and has lasting adverse effects on their mental, physical, social, emotional or spiritual well-being.

I have defined forgiveness as "selling the debt," turning the situation/person over to God. Brian talked about releasing the debt...he also shared this list of what forgiveness is NOT. I can't tell you how often I've been told I haven't forgiven because I have been leery to reconcile or haven't forgotten. These words resonated with me. 

We have been given the label of victim by those things done to us by others; WE get to rip off that label and wear CHOSEN, BELOVED of God.

Brian addressed well the victim, but he acknowledged it would be quite possible to have abusers in a crowd our size. He addressed abusers with grace and truth as well. It was refreshing. I love that Brian doesn't shy away from the hard topics. 

In addressing trauma, we need to acknowledge what happened, apologize wherever possible, and look for redemption...because Jesus carried my cross, we can carry another's cross. 

We all need to learn how to give good apologies....

The gang went out to lunch with Jared, Larissa and Noah. After lunch the girls went home to hang out with Larissa and Noah. Michael and Jared went out to Eagle River Loop to put a sign up on a gentleman's land who offered to host a big campaign sign.  

Other Sunday events...check this out! I was quoted on a doctoral topic board. We found that fun. 

Nolan dropped by in the evening. We chatted, snacked and he and the girls watched an episode in a series they are watching together. 

We love Sundays. 

GRACE NOTES: 

1. While an online gathering of the church is not my favorite way to connect with others, I am thankful it is available for days like today when I can't make it out. 

2. There is something so amazing about 3 generations of family in the same gathering worshipping Jesus, learning together...in a church that is made up mostly of 30 and 40 yos. Who would have guessed? Not this military family in all those years of family fragmentation.

3. Adult gherkins dropping by...children become friends...it's like visiting your best memories while making new ones and it's refreshing deep down in our souls. 

4. Michael and I stayed up late and had a good and hard discussion. I am thankful to have journeyed with Michael lo these 40 years. 

*Dad's blood pressure was 189/126 this morning and he didn't have a properly working cpap last night. Mystery to ailments solved, unfortunately too late to go to church in person. Added some clonidine and tylenol to the chemical mix and he was good to go. 

IF: 2024 @ ACF

Krista, Larissa, Jenni, Carrie, 2 babies and I met in Eagle River for an early dinner on Friday. Larissa was unable to join us for the rest of the event, but the four of us were heading to church for a conference. Jenni and I spent the evening with Carrie so we didn't have to drive back to the valley late at night. We were at the church all day Saturday as well. Arielle had planned to attend with us, but you know, she had a baby instead! ::snort:: 

Jenni, Krista, me and Carrie @ IF:2024

I discovered Jennie Allen before the first IF:Gathering when I picked up a little book titled, "Anything." It was a great introduction to Jennie.  IF I really believe God is true - THEN how will it change my actions? Am I willing to pray that God does "anything" He wishes? I was and did...and I remember that often. I have never been in a position to attend either an IF: Gathering or a local group streaming the gathering...an IF: Local. 

ACF hosted a live stream of IF:2024. There were 235 women from church at the event. The worship was fantastic - both the taped and the local worship. I loved that we had a FULL all women worship team.  Our table hosts: Julie and Jessica were wonderful. Having planned, hosted and spoke at various conferences - I KNOW THE WORK THAT CHELSEA AND THE TEAM PUT IN and everything was beautiful. Registration was seamless from this perspective, the decorations were cute, the tables arranged in a way to foster community and communication, the serve teams, production teams, mc...everyone did a superb job.  Lunch was yummy...there were even vendors for on-site shopping...much of it to support an upcoming missions' trip, and a couple of table games too. 

It was a joy for me to be able to attend a women's event and just PARTICIPATE. I had no responsibilities at all - and that is perfect for this season.  Another special joy was to attend with some of "my girls" and to be at Josi's first Ladies Conference. Josi thinks women's events are great fun. 

The speakers were GREAT: Christine Caine, Katherine Wolf, Jennie Allen, Sadie Robertson, Bianca Olthoff, Jada Edwards, Annie F Downs, Ruth Chou Simmons, Rebekah Lyons, David Platt and more.  The format is to watch a video and usually a panel discussion, and then to have time for table discussion. I had just one "complaint." The pace was FAST...the topics and speakers were varied, and I found myself wishing for a slower pace to process all I was hearing. I realize why this wasn't possible. I usually come home from a retreat or conference and have one main takeaway and thoughts from each session. I was so exhausted at the end of this I couldn't tell Mike what anyone said...but I have NOTES. I always have notes. I will spend the next week processing with prayer, journaling....

Here are some initial thoughts - the theme was JESUS and how faithful He has been and where He has taken this movement in 10 short years...

Christine Caine - My limitations aren't greater than God! Jesus blessed what would never be enough. When I'm faced with "not enough" I need to bless and not curse. The miracle began when the bread was broken...God is working in the broken places! PRAISE JESUS. Jesus will take us into our God-given purpose.

Katherine Wolf - Her testimony of God's faithfulness after she had a stroke at 26 is powerful! Don't miss a miracle because you're looking for a "miracle in a box." Suffering births new things. Jesus meets us in the dust and forms a new creation in the dust! 

Jennie Allen - We all have individual races to run. We need to throw off the sin and burdens that hinder us. We can tell satan to go to hell! John 11 - Jesus KNEW he was going to heal Lazarus; He had the solution. And still he was moved by Mary's grief. He STOPPED AND WEPT WITH HER! We tend to see God as disappointed with us, but Jesus has empathy, he weeps, he has compassion and mercy for us.  We each wrote a sin or burden on a rock. We took them to the front during worship and left them at the feet of Jesus. We walked away without them. I will share what I wrote on my rock...as I already blogged it over the past weeks...Disappointment (with God), offense, church hurt. The next day during another worship song we went back up and picked up another's rock and committed to carry it and pray for that burden. 

Sadie Robertson - I love Sadie. She told a story of Honey, her 2-year-old who walked 1/2 mile, barefoot, on gravel because she "wanted to be with Daddy."  Unbeknownst to Honey her uncle saw her leave and watched her walk all the way home. We have to be bold; it will be costly; we may feel unseen put we need to pursue God...just to be with our father. He considers who He calls - He knows me.  Luke 10:1 - 12...all 72 lambs returned! We all have different calls, be faithful in that call. 

Bianca Olthoff - There will be storms (AMEN), how will I respond? Jesus calmed the storm with 3 words. When Jesus puts us in a storm we can rest because Jesus is the peace. The purpose of the storm is on the other side...we have to go through to the other side. PRAISE in the storm. 

Annie Downs - Run the race marked out for ME. Figure out my race and go fast....I am not runnning their race, only my race. We are all winners. We please God by surrendering. 

Jada Edwards - When you are REALLY thirsty only water will quench - not flavored sweet tea. We are trying to satisfy a deep spiritual thirst with flavored drinks rather than the living water, with a causal relationship with God and others instead of intimacy. John 7:37-39 Jesus asks for a decision - name our thirst, take action - come! and drink. We can come and not drink! This is not about activity it's about nearness to Jesus. 

Luke LeFevre and Annie Downs talked about how we share Jesus. If they won't step into my world, I will step into their world. Witness is withness...don't give up on people.

David Platt - Based on the Samaritan woman in John 4. He knows me and He loves me. He meets me WHERE I AM and says I.am.for.you. YES!!! We have a thirst to believe, belong and be loved.  Jesus is for me, knows me, loves me, but NOT JUST ME. Jesus LOVES the WORLD.  If I am saved and satisfied, I am to be sent! 

Josi wasn't the only tired one! 

It was a great weekend. I'm glad we went. I will be alert for more opportunity for community at ACF. 

GRACE NOTES: 

1. A great end to an emotional week. 

2. Time spent with these gals...both in the family and in the church family. 

3. Julie and Jessica made table discussions comfortable. 

4. Encouraging messages from some of my favorite teachers. 

Friday Thoughts

Friday - it has felt like a very long week. 

I've been sad the past couple of weeks. There's no rhyme or reason for when emotions hit, or when they go numb. I'm about ready for mine to go numb for a bit. ::snort::   I've gotten used to random tears, but this level of sadness is something new. I've been struggling with being so disappointed with God. I talked with another family member who shared a struggle with anger recently and had been initially disappointed with God. I WAS angry but now I'm sad and disappointed. I guess we're all just cycling through emotions at different rates and speeds. Note - I KNOW how very good God is. I just sort of thought He would do all the amazing "hedge of protection, psalm praying and believing" type of work in our lives...and He didn't. I'm not having a crisis of faith. I'm honestly expressing my emotions and lament to God and HE MEETS ME THERE.  Pastor Brian asked us last Sunday to "name the offense so it can be healed." I immediately thought of a couple of offenses...and realized while I wouldn't say I'm offended at God; I am terribly sad and disappointed. I named it - God is healing it. 

I also loved the focus this week on my part and God's part in forgiveness. Justice is HIS part. He's a good father and he takes seriously the abusing and taking of one of his children's life. While the legal system may tie me in knots...it's not MY job to get justice for Josiah. I have forgiven the accused murder defendant. While I will pray for the legal system to work, I KNOW ultimately a loving God will make sure there IS justice.  

I'm not a saint y'all. At this point I wake daily to find I need to forgive Mr. JJ again...or maybe it's affirming I have already forgiven him...or most likely...I forgave him months ago and as each new impact of that offense becomes apparent, I have to forgive that as well.  I'll leave it to the theologians to figure out which it is...I only know it IS a daily walk. 

All this focus on soul condition and mental health is HARD WORK.  

I am thankful for the verses on forgiveness, justice, trust, boundaries and shaking the dust off your feet the girls and I have been looking at this week. Good conversation with Stacia yesterday and another good conversation - though it went different directions - today with Allie.  Lots of processing going on for all of us lately. Our church series on forgiveness, with accompanying devos is timely for our family. 

Do you see what is behind Allie? Snow - April 12th. #AlaskaSpring! 

In an effort to stretch out my counseling visits, I've been going every two weeks. The girls are going to various therapists weekly.  I'm thankful Hope to Alaska picked up my sessions or I would not have gone...and I DO think it is helpful. Even just co-pays add up in these days of inflation. ::snort:: I have been joking to the family I started therapy last, and I was about to become the first graduate from counseling. ::snort:: Today, was to be my last session. He asked how I was doing, and I admitted I've been sad... a lot sadder than I have previously been. We talked through some things I knew I needed some input for...and then he said, "I would like to ask Hope to Alaska if we can extend your sessions. Is that ok with you?"  I agreed. We will meet next week and hopefully know if they will pick up more sessions. If not, I'll probably wait until one or both of the girls graduate. LOL 

I got home just in time to pack for the weekend. 

GRACE NOTES: 
1. Counselor/therapists who care and have the tools to give that extra boost when you can't quite see your way through the fog. 

2. Family and friends with which to journey. 

3. The word of God written and whispered. 

Brunch, Skiing, Bread & Spring Grass

I have come up with a routine that is sort of working. When I had time with Jesus first thing - as I like -  I could NOT get a workout in before Dad needed my attention. I now have to get up and moving early...but I've taken to soaping the devo verse each morning, working out and INVARIABLY regardless of the time of morning Dad rings his bell at the 2-mile mark. I'm not thrilled, but I am guessing 2 miles is better than none because I am waiting for a longer period of time. I then have my extended time with Jesus because I can do that when Dad is up. 

Stacia and I popped out to our favorite cafe for a "brunch study." Breakfast turned to lunch, and we have a hard time focusing with all the noise... We found a solution. We went to the car and finished our discussion in the car.  I think we'll plan this from now on - or we need to find a quieter lunch spot. 

Allie had classes and homework/socializing at college. 

I came home and played with bread and dinner...Stacia met Jenni for a drive up to Hatcher's Pass and some skiing. 

It's Thursday so you KNOW after dinner was done and cleaned up, we headed for the couch for knitting and an episode of, "All Creatures Great and Small." 

Playing with bread? I'm trying to find a way to make a sourdough loaf that doesn't use a lot of sugar, butter and YEAST.  Earlier in the week I just popped my normal round of dough into a loaf pan. It worked...but we get much more bread with a round.  This channel popped into my feed and I clicked. I decided to try her recipe (The recipe is in the description of the video if they link doesn't work). I didn't have enough starter so halved her recipe. I was able to use my fresh ground flour mixed with the bread flour, an egg, milk, yogurt and honey (which I'm not thrilled about, but no butter or yeast). I was skeptical it would rise with fresh ground flour used. It said to let it ferment overnight until the dough was doubled in size. 

Blew right out of the plastic wrap.

I was met with THIS at 0600. I divided and shaped it into two loaves and then put it into my pampered chef pans. I wasn't sure it would fill the pans...I shaped them the way she did on the video... I may shape as I usually do next time. Note: I rewatched how she shaped, and she makes TWO triangles before rolling it up which would work MUCH better. ::snort:: I'll try her way again. 

They got huge! I'm glad I had the bigger Pampered Chef pans. My oven heats from the top, and these rose so high they were far too close to the element and got overly browned....

Bread on the left is the normal round thrown into a loaf pan. Bread on the right is the soft sourdough. 

Both loaves taste good.  The soft loaf doesn't have the sourdough tang. Michael loves the tang of the original recipe...BUT the bigger loaf DOES use whole grain, it IS an overnight ferment, and it slices great. I'll probably bake the original rounds for the taste...and make these every now and again for those who want bread and don't like the tang, or to be able to use my fresh ground flour. ::snort::

And HERE our first patch of spring grass! I'm hopeful! The hoop house shape is IN the garden...still lots of snow...but soon I should be able to get to the greenhouse. 

Enough yammering! 

GRACE NOTES: 
1. A great discussion with Stacia at Brunch. 

2. A husband who can fix vehicles. 

3. Thursdays with Jenni. 

4. Mercy. 

These 2 Photos

These two photos have captured my attention tonight. The first was taken in September 2023 at Pyrah's Farm.  It was a beautiful fall day...Carrie and Arielle let me take this shot and I was NOT to post it until Arielle had gone public with her pregnancy. 

Carrie & Arielle (with Josi and Ellie)

Today Carrie and the girls came out to meet Ellie. 

Carrie and Josi and Arielle and Ellie

There has been so much pain and so much joy since that first photo was taken. Grief has a way of entering a room and demanding attention. Grief isn't always polite. It doesn't care if you have a different blog post planned, it doesn't care if you are in the midst of something else...when grief wants attention grief grabs it.  I have learned, however, if I give grief the attention it is demanding it is content to step into the background and let other emotions take front and center... like contentment and joy. Look at those girls and THEIR baby girls! 

Allie also met Ellie today. 

Auntie Allie and Ellie

Allie, Ellie, Livie, Josi

We got a good laugh at the girls' matching bows again today! LOL 

The kids played inside and outside! OUTSIDE...it was a sunny day! 

Charles declared GG was putting a puzzle together that looked like "hot lava."  It's a puzzle of a pizza, but in his defense GG just started it.

GG, Charles, Danny

Cory is a great girl dad.

There was a funny moment when Danny came in and I was holding Josi. He came over and was chatting to "my baby"...and Arielle said, "Are you sure?"  He kept chattering. "Look closer." The look on his face when he noticed dark hair instead of strawberry blonde was PRICELESS. He was perplexed. 

Ah, Josi! Your smile and those dimples are the perfect way to end this day! 

GRACE NOTES: 

1. Family. 

2. Lunch with Sherri and Joanne. 
3. Steve, Michael's best man all those years ago and a dear friend has been in the ICU. Today he came out of the coma and is off the ventalator. He is still in the ICU and in need of prayers.  

Another Flannel Monday

 Twenty-three weeks. 

I'm not sure I'll ever make it through a Monday without reliving that afternoon, the phone call, the minutes immediately afterwards calling each of the siblings, calling close friends...."Josiah's been shot, and he's dead." Words you NEVER expect to say. The drive up to Anchorage...desperate to get to Carrie.  The sense that this could not possibly be real! Murder could not have touched our lives. 

I'm thankful we immediately determined not to become bitter but to forgive. There have been many opportunities to forgive - from the murder suspect to those who mean well but wound with advice that shows they really have never been in our shoes. We have received much grace and have extended much grace as well. 

I'd like to say a word to my "tribe." Those who go by the name of Christians, Christ-followers. Sometimes, we are the very WORST at hard emotions. We've gotten the idea we can't walk with God in the dark places of our lives. In our attempts to "help," we end up encouraging others to deny emotions, and honestly, it's not God's plan for us to deny our human emotions. Lament is a gift. As I lament, as I name the pain, God meets me there and walks with me in the pain. This is much better than "getting over grief" before I've had time to walk out the emotions. 

I'm thankful we "do not grieve as those without hope"...but I've come to know many of us miss the impact of Paul's comment. We stop at "We do not grieve." In doing so we put unrealistic expectations on ourselves and others. As Christians we DO grieve - but we do it with HOPE - hope in the person of Jesus, hope in the future. Make no mistake; we experience grief - the pain is real. The pain of what was lost in the present and in the future doesn't go away. We are human. If we love, we grieve when death enters the picture. The power of Paul's statement is that even though we DO grieve, we grieve with HOPE. Unfortunately, I've seen the tendency to think one has to "put on a happy face" in order to prove we have "hope." That simply isn't true.  Acknowledging the pain gives people more hope that God can walk through these things with us than "putting on church face." 

We should seek to follow Jesus. Jesus loves. Jesus weeps. Jesus is always with us. Jesus was a man of sorrows...and partying. 

I've had many moments of tears today. That's o.k. God continues to bless by bringing just the right person at the right time across my path... people who know the value of simply being with another. This is key - you can't FIX THIS. You can only love; you can only "rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep."  That's all we're told to do. Be there. You don't have to say a word, and unless you are SURE you have something necessary to say, it's probably best not to speak. Job's friends were HEROES when they came and sat in the ashes with him, but when they opened their mouths to "fix Job" and "help him understand," they traded being heroes and became zeros.  

I had tea today with a friend who has lost a loved one. Brenda gets me. I cherish our times together. 

I did not take a single photo today...and so I thought I'd have to resort to a bread photo...but google photos popped up this memory today...Ah...

It was 2010. Michael was deploying from Japan to the Middle East via Dallas and the East Coast. The boys were in college in San Angelo (20 and 18 years old) and drove up to Dallas to see Michael.  Time has passed so quickly. 

GRACE NOTES: 

1. Tea with Brenda. 
2. We grieve with hope. 
3. Memories.
4. God carries the weight of my heart which craves justice. He will judge righteously.