You Don't Just Lose Someone Once

You lose them over and over, 

sometimes in the same day. 

When the loss, momentarily forgotten, 

creeps up,

and attacks you from behind. 

Fresh waves of grief as the realization hits home,

they are gone. 

Again. 

You don't just lose someone once,

you lose them every time you open your eyes to a new dawn,

and as you awake,

so does your memory,

so does the jolting bolt of lightning that rips into your heart, 

they are gone. *

Again. 

Losing someone is a journey,

not a one-off.

There is no end to the loss,

there is only a learned skill on how to stay afloat,

when it washes over.

Be kind to those who are sailing this stormy sea,

they have a journey ahead of them,

and a daily shock to the system each time they realize, 

they are gone.

Again. 

You don't just lose someone once,

you lose them every day,

for a lifetime. 

C Donna Ashworth 

Thanks to Robin for sharing this poem with me. Yes! It's so good. 

*THIS waking up is what I've tried to describe...each day realizing anew the loss.  THIS is what pushes me to the bathroom where I cannot come out to face another day of grief until I am assured that God is truly with me NOW...my oft repeated prayer,

Immanuel -

Walk with us,

Full of grace and truth (Jn 1:14)

Mostly Grace Notes

 Shew. 

I do not appreciate the customer service at Dad's Dr.'s now that a new company took over his former doctor's practice. We waited an hour beyond our appointment time to go back to a room. However, the labs were great. She says Dad's diabetes is under "superb control." I fear he heard, "You don't have diabetes now." ::snort:: Everything looked so good he doesn't have to go back for 6 months. 

That's been the big accomplishment of the day...getting to the appointment 15 minutes early, waiting 1 hour and 15 minutes to go back and then having an appointment. 

We are ready to settle in for the night. 

GRACE NOTES: 

1. Reading a secular book on grieving that is written plainly and contains much sense, without the spiritualizing which can lead to guilt that one can't just "surrender it to God and move on." 

2. A wonderful neighbor, Linda, who brought our food co-op order to her house for us to pick up.  Dad's appointment set us way behind to get our things picked up and I was thankful she had offered earlier in the day. 

3. I am thankful we had gifts cards from Scott and Rachel and were able to stop at Panda Express for dinner. 

Monday Doings

Once again, I took no photos...but trust me on this! Stacy came over this morning and brought a tea party with her. What a treat. The girls were doing homework - final's week is coming up and assignments are due this week. Michael was busy. GG was in his chair reading the paper.  Oliver stayed home with Ethan. The tree blocks the view of the table...we were able to set up our tier of treats and visit for a solid hour - maybe a bit longer. 

I ran eggs across town. 

Cory, Arielle and the boys dropped by...another impromptu hot chocolate party - AFTER they got some outside minutes in. LOL 

It's fun to watch the grands play with the same nativity I had when our kids were little. I realized I need to get some Christmas board books to go with our kids books. 

I had some extra time to journal and do an advent study...food for my soul. We are reading a chapter of Luke a day after dinner...so we read Ch. 4.  That's about all for the day. 

GRACE NOTES

1. Extra time to pray, journal and study this a.m. 

2. Tea treats with Stacy - faithful friends. 

3. Assurance that God is the ultimate chess player, and He never loses a game! 

Six Weeks! Some Thoughts

 Six weeks. 

My body, my soul, my spirit knows without a conscious thought. 

It's Monday. 

Six weeks since Josiah was taken from us. 

Six weeks since I last fasted for my family. 

I have big questions. I can't begin to understand with CERTAINITY the sovereignty of God (and please don't give me your pat answers). I KNOW all the book answers.  I can't fathom how God's sovereignty intersects with evil in our world and man's free will...and if you are honest, you probably aren't sure you have all the right answers either. I don't understand why some seem to have more trials in life than others (childhood abuse, miscarriages, Parkinson's, son murdered) and DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME IT'S BECAUSE HE KNOWS I'M STRONG...because I'm not. I simply have no choice but to get up and carry on. 

I feel like the disciples when Jesus asked them if they would leave to? "Master, where else would we go? You have the words of life...."  I don't have, maybe don't need, all the answers. 

This Flannel Monday, I pause to meditate on what I know to be true. 

God is good even when life stinks. 

God is the healer even when life is broken. 

God loves faithfully even when life is unfair, and others act unfaithfully. 

Joy (not happiness) from the Lord IS my strength. Joy (Chara - same root where the word grace comes from) is a lasting emotion that comes from the CHOICE to trust that God will fulfill His promises. It's the state of being content with how God cares for one. 

God walks with me even here... Jn 1:4 - 5 says His life is my light...and that light shines in the darkness and the darkness cannot overcome it...name your darkness. It cannot overcome the life and light of Jesus...depression, grief, evil, sin, anxiety, fear...

God is the Good Shepherd and He is powerfully leading us through the valley of the shadow of death.

God is trustworthy - but I know I can't trust Him to keep my children safe 100% of the time (and don't tell me Josiah is safe with God. Yes, I know this. It brings a measure of peace, but he is not safe here now, is he?).

God WILL bring good from every situation - even evil ones. This does NOT mean my son's murder was a gift from God. What is WRONG with people? Do you think it helps to tell me this was "all part of God's plan?" Scripture tells me God is a GOOD FATHER and He gives GOOD GIFTS, and he does NOT give snakes. I do not believe evil is ever a GIFT from God. I believe He can and does bring GREAT GOOD FROM IT.  (See first comment about how it all works together).  

God walks with me, and He is full of grace and truth (John 1:14). He calls me to grace towards the defendant and his family, those who can't think beyond themselves, those who care deeply but misspeak, to my own grief...he calls me to show grace...but he also calls me to truth. 

Don't ask me to lie about how I am doing. Don't ask me to pretend all is bright lights, tinsel and Christmas jingles this year. It's not.  BUT in the pain, I DO choose to recognize Him walking with me. I'm sorry if you are more comfortable with platitudes than honest questions. In this season I wrestle with deeper questions and answers than the textbook answers. It's probably best not to ASK what I'm thinking if you aren't prepared to hear a raw answer. Hopefully gracious and truthful - both.  

And when does truth sound like a platitude? It may be in the attitude with which the words are spoken. Are you trying to "tie this up" and move on to your next engagement?  Do you get offended or hurt feelings if I question the truth you speak? Do you love me? It's quite possible to speak the right words without love and sound like a clanging cymbal (1 Cor 13:1). If you answer yes to any but the love one, your spoken truth probably sounds like a platitude. 

Are you willing to sit with me and wrestle with the questions? If so, the truth does not sound like a platitude when you speak it.  

Six weeks. 

I know a few things deeper in my spirit than ever before. I am shaken in other areas. That's o.k.

Today, I will fast. Because God led me to begin fasting for our family all those years ago. Because He hasn't told me to stop the practice. We surely have big needs. I may revisit the entry from the morning of Oct 23rd...it's been too painful to revisit the hopes and prayers for Josiah, Carrie and girls....but today, I may. In any event...I will continue...because the God who loves me so well calls me to continue to follow Him.  I will not fast the complete day because I made plans which involve tea and scones....but I am putting a stake down and getting back to it....

The last photo I have with all 10 kids and families.

We all know from his vantage point in heaven, Josiah would not want me to quit fasting and praying for his girls, his siblings and their families, our city, state and nation....

Six weeks. 

We are making it. 

We miss him terribly. 

We are broken. 

God is carrying us until we can function well. 

God is NOT offended by our heart-felt wrestling or questions. 

Please note I write more for myself than any other reason. Writing is therapeutic. This is where I am at THIS point in time. I totally get that there are things I do not understand, things others will teach me, or I will see in the word...but I want to remember. I want to remember well this journey the next time I am honored to sit with one on a similar journey. I don't want to forget where He is leading and teaching.  As I've often told groups of women when working through James...I want to grab every lesson possible from this trial because I do NOT want to revisit something similar in the future. 

Sunday in the Valley

In some ways this was a more "normal" Sunday for us. We went to church here in Palmer, rather than Eagle River as 1/2 the "kids" were traveling this week. It was good to see loved friends and to be back at a place where we invested our hearts and lives for 6 years. 

We went out with Brendon and Siakayle and kids after church. They are MOVING - soon. I'm so thankful God let our lives intersect for these years. I can't believe I didn't take PICTURES. 

Krista walked in to DQ as we were finishing up. Michael took GG home and I hopped in with Krista. We ran to get tree lights and stopped at Nonessentials. Stacia and Allie came home to work on homework. Krista and I stopped by to visit with Nolan and Alex before coming home. 

Arielle and the boys were at the house when we got home...Hot Chocolate Party. Krista got the boys and Ellie (Baby #4) Mario mugs with hot chocolate bombs! LOL 

When everyone had gone home....The girls, Michael and I set around the table and talked about Jn 1:4-5, Jesus being Prophet and read Luke 3.  Our Advent season is off and running. 

GRACE NOTES

1. Seeing loved friends this morning. Sunday dinner with dear friends before they move to SD.

2. Summer peach balsamic vinegar.

3. A fun visit with Krista, Nolan and Alex.

A Full Saturday

 Saturdays are a challenge. They are the day we most expect Millie to begin barking, and Josiah, Carrie and Liv to walk in the door. They are often unplanned and stretch.  Today was a bit more emotional than normal as it's been one month since Josiah's Celebration of Life. 

Joelle dropped by for a hug and to drop off some lemon bars. So sweet - both her and the bars. 

We had loose plans to meet CoRielle and the boys at Santa's...but we never made it. 

Jared and Noah came by. They were giving Larissa time to rest. We were happy for the visit. It was great to catch up on their busy week, actually we missed Thanksgiving and church last Sunday, so it had been two weeks since we saw their family.  

Jared and Noah

We talked about places that provide painful reminders of what is missing...and I remembered with Mom eventually those places begin to bring comfort. Still the ache of missing, but ALSO the joy of remembering the fun times with her in those places. I look forward to that transition. Right now, things are pretty much painful reminders of all we've lost. I'm not sure if the legal aspect of this loss will slow things down or speed things up with grief. I guess it just is...and we will deal with what is. 

While we were visiting, we heard from Luke and Krista. They were going to come over and were bringing ingredients for Yakisoba. They also brought stuff to make wontons, a pastry and some soft drinks. I will admit the house gets a bit raucous with all the people and RENO and MILLIE in the mix.  However, it WAS great to have them come by. We visited, cooked together, ate and they headed home. 

The bonus is Millie is now tired out and is sleeping. 

If I had the energy I would go ahead and back blog a few posts from missing weeks, but I'm going to end this. I may read. Reading and viewing have become a challenge. My favorite genre has been suspense and murder mystery. That isn't working for me these days. It's impossible to consider either watching or reading a murder mystery as entertainment. I picked up a couple of other books - but I don't love them like I used to love my mysteries.  I'm a bit at a loss at the library. 

OH - and check out these cute boys who are playing the "Santa game" this year. They've always known the sad truth about Santa, but Benny asked if they could play the game this Christmas. LOL 

 

Look at those two little faces peeping out of the snowman's face. Cute boys, these 3! 

GRACE NOTES: 

1. Surprise Yakisoba. 

2. Family in the area to visit. 

3. Jared shared a video with me - and I needed to hear Josiah's voice. I have it on my phone and computer now. 

Reflections from a Moonlit Night - Michael

This has been a hard day. I am not the one who usually writes these posts, but this night - actually, this morning - I need to write. I have many, many questions. This has been a day when it is just plain hard to breathe, at times. There is a void, an emptiness inside of me that will not be filled. There is a pain in my soul that cannot find comfort. There are questions for which there are no answers. 

It is very late. I stood outside and looked up into the emptiness of the night. There were stars and a moon that bathed the mountain above our home with its sharp radiance. The trees softly reflected this same light of our lunar companion. The snow sparkled and glistened in its own way, but I hurt. I was drawn outside by the faint promise of Northern Lights. I found solitude and an odd loneliness - a deep longing for something beyond my reach. I called out into the vastness of the night sky for a sign, a word, a message - something, but there was only the darkness of the night, the twinkling of stars, the stark glow of the moon and an ever so faint hint of an aurora. 

"What do you want?" came the question to my heart. 

The question seemed ludicrous. I want Josiah back. I want one more conversation with him. I want to go fishing with him again, I want to hear his voice. I want to hold him again. I want to talk through the issues of life. At the very least, I want to hear from him and that he is ok. I yearned to know he is at peace. 

"And then what?" came a second question.

And then I will be ok..., but an image plagued my mind. I would have a simplistic proof, a simpleton's answer. I could see myself walking about as one who is devoid of the depth of a faith tested and proven in the midst of trial. I could see myself as one who dishes out the platitudes and cliches I have learned to deeply despise. I could see myself becoming what I now abhor - having a Polly Anna faith that is sickly sweet and a half inch deep.

Deep faith is not found in shallow wells.

A life without issue or trouble brings a fragility of the soul that will shatter at the falling of a leaf. 

Comfort does not produce resilience anymore than a tree sheltered from the wind produces a strong and beautiful tree that is able stand against the storms of life.

No, it is in the trial that faith grows strong. It is in walking through the valley of the shadow of death with nothing more than knowing that the Lord is with me. It is the act of holding in an open hand the questions that badger my mind and heart. It is in simple trust. It is in keeping my eyes set on the Light even as the winds blow and the waves crash against me. It is in the stillness of a starry night with the moon bathing the land and just the faintest hint of aurora. This is where faith grows strong. 

Do I want that conversation with Josiah? Desperately!

Would I trade that for the hard work of walking, believing, trusting, growing in faith? No, I would not trade, but I do want both, but only one door is available; only one path can be traveled; only one ticket can be selected. With a heart that is still writhing in agony and in the depths of pain and loss, I still choose the more difficult journey - so help me God.

-Michael