Surreal Monday

 Monday - doctors seem surprised that Mom is holding on.

The chaplains visit several times. They pray that the God who Mom has "loved and known well all her life would know and love her well in this transition."

The day moves between times of fellowship.....and times of contemplation.

It was fun to see Stan and Gracie. Gracie was our babysitter in the Philippines. 

I enjoyed the moments of solitude with Mom. Knowing they were precious and I would miss them dearly.  When we were alone I continued to read portions of the Bible to Mom, pray over her and speak words of love and affirmation. 

I've been perplexed about the verse that says, "Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of  His godly ones." Ps 116:15.  How could something we tend to dread, something so hard and painful be precious? In this time away from my children and Michael during Advent, with Mom as she faced death, I once again began to ponder this verse.  Faye, one of mom's friends, shared with me that she thinks it's because God is a good father. He's eagerly prepared treasures and gifts for his child. He's waited for all to be ready and to see the child's excitement at what He's prepared. She is precious to him, and giving her all He's prepared, being face to face with her is precious to Him.  I know how much we love to pick out gifts to bless each child - unique, individual gifts that they will LOVE. I know how we prepare for a big day and how the excitement mounts as the day draws near to reveal all the treasured surprises to the kids. Yes, I think the death of one of His children is like that for God. It's finally all ready, she's precious, He is excited to show her all the treasures....The transition is  precious to Him.  I shared these things with Mom as I would have if we were sitting in her living room.

Stacia was leaving on Tuesday. Will came to the hospital and Dad and I went home. I knew I needed to do something fun with Stacia....something that would make a special memory for the two of us. We also needed to do something Christmasy.  The last few years we've taken Mom to look at Christmas Lights. There are some great ones in her neighborhood. I went home, grabbed Stacia and Lorri and we went out to enjoy some lights.  In this spot neighbors have joined together to make quite a showing. The lights go across the street from one house to the next. They have a box to collect food and such for the area's needy.

In the end, Dad and I got called back to the hospital. We spent the night with Mom and Will....listening to old Bill Gaither music and speaking with one another quietly. I left at 3 a.m. to get Stacia to the airport.

Sunday @ the Hospital

I've previously shared about Saturday in the hospital.  As Mom's pain was under control, visitors began to arrive.  This was a huge blessing to the family. I believe Mom could hear at this point, but she wasn't responding.  We read emails and messages that came to her. Grandkids called and we put the phone up to her ears so they could chat with her.

Nate and Heather and Michael and the kids worked on travel arrangements.

On Sunday dear out of town friends visited. Amazing friendships.

The grandsons trip was quick and they flew out Sunday night to be home in time to go to work Monday morning. Will, Sherri and their boys came to the hospital and I went out for dinner and to take the boys to the airport. This gave me time to touch base with Stacia. She and Lorri had continued to have fun - watching movies, baking brownies, more shopping....they picked the boys up, and had been up to see mom a few times.

Jared, Cy and Jamin head back to Anchorage

Lorri, Stacia and I grab a Christmas photo

A word about time - it moved so very slow, each moment pregnant with meaning; but it also moved very fast, we arrived at our destination faster than I would have wished.  While I was happy to have dinner with the kids, I was driven to be back at the hospital.

Saturday in the Hospital

I'm not ready to write about a few days in here...but this was a great day. By 9 December, Mom was on comfort care. She was finally getting some relief from the pain. The boys took the red eye flight from Anchorage and arrived early Saturday morning. They spent the day at the hospital and with Stacia. Matt, our nephew, flew up from California. It was special to have them all there.

Cy, Jared, Mom, Jamin, Stacia

Dad with Will and five of his grandsons

We had been restricting visitors due to mom's pain level. Now that the pain was under control, people came to visit. Each visit, hug, tear shared was a blessing. It really was. I didn't take many photos - but knew Bre would want this one. (Note Pastor Gary over my shoulder.LOL )

Me and Grandma Donna ::grin:: 

A hospital with a seriously ill loved one is surreal. We experienced such joy and love....while also experiencing such sadness and pain.....bittersweet memories of my 3 weeks in Oregon.

Comfort Care

Thursday we (Dad, Will, Sherri and I) met with doctors,  Face Timed (Or something like that) with Nate and Heather, who live overseas, and called Michael. We all agreed Mom had been in pain long enough. She quit eating on the 2nd. They were doing all they could and the pain was not gone. It was time for Hospice. If God wanted her to be healed, he would heal her. Dad believed Mom would be healed. He said it best for all of us, "She's suffered enough. We'll put her in God's hands. He can still heal her."

Mom's life was about sharing Jesus with others. She wanted others to see Jesus in her. She wanted her illness to result in good in the lives of nurses, doctors etc. She'd worked in hospitals.  After her first hospital stay, when we were told her cancer was back, she shared with me that it bothered her she was in such pain that she was "acting crazy," and others can't see Jesus in that.

When she was admitted the second time she was in bad shape. In the midst of the pain she was praying, and it was noticed. Questions were asked. Seeds were planted. We had the opportunity to share Jesus and our view of the afterlife with every doctor, nurse, aide, and volunteer that came into the room.  I wouldn't have WANTED to be having end of life conversations with palliative care doctors - but I quickly saw our responsibility to share what Mom could no longer verbally share.  Jesus was seen through mom's last days, though it wasn't the way she'd planned it to be.

Mom's friend of over 50 years came to sit with Mom while we met with doctors. 

Some will fault this photo below, but my kids and I absolutely LOVE Dad's sense of humor.  We needed a laugh at that juncture and dad sensed this. 

Friday, hospice came to meet with us. They were surprised at mom's condition and said they didn't feel she was a good candidate for hospice. The palliative care team admitted they felt she had days to weeks and that it would be best for her to stay in the hospital for Comfort Care. We were already in the Comfort Care wing.  I cannot say enough about the team on that floor.

I had seen these carts earlier and wondered why some patients got a hospitality cart. Ah, this signifies the patient is on Comfort Care - and the staff is trying to care for visitors as well. I was touched by such a tangible show of compassion - as well as by what it signaled.

Throughout Friday they came in and unhooked mom from various things. They began the morphine drip, which finally brought pain relief by Saturday evening.  Mom hadn't been talking for a few days, but she quit responding as the meds began to enter her system.

The choice to go on to comfort care is not a one time choice. Throughout the day I was asked if I wanted various procedures to be continued....mom made it really easy. For days she had been sneaking her hand up and blocking the oxygen hose or pulling the oxygen off.  Staff and family were finally able to follow mom's lead and only do those things which she wanted done.

The last picture I took - I needed it  - she was pain free & peaceful 

I learned a big lesson here. As important as an advance directive is, more important, as you can never think of every situation to put on an advance directive, is to have the conversations often about what you'd like your end of life to look like. It was hard making choices for mom...and yet the choices were easier as we ALL remembered comments mom had made about what she did and did not want done...and so we were able to answer with confidence - even when situations weren't covered on the paperwork Mom had signed.

As I think through my life,  I can say this was the toughest week of my life. Yet, I felt God's presence every step of the way. He is a faithful and good God - even when we walk through the valley of the shadow of death - maybe especially then!

With Mom and Dad in the Hospital

The trip had been planned to visit mom and I was compelled to spend as much time with her as I possibly could. Mom had left her home to travel the world as a missionary. She was always supportive of  our family's ministry in the military - but it did cost us time with family. That cost was heavy as I realized my parents would not be making extended visits to Alaska, or moving up in a few years.  I wanted every minute I could possibly get with Mom. I slept at the hospital and spent my days with her and Dad. A friend of mine, Tracy, commented  Mom had taught me all my life. This was not the time to pull away, but to push in and let her teach me lessons even in this season. I was determined to do just this. 

On this Wednesday Mom was still struggling with pain, she was a bit less responsive and Dad and I got to talk with her oncologist on his rounds. I think, regardless of our hopes and prayers, we were all sensing Mom may have been right and would end her fight sooner than expected. 

I loved this day with Mom and Dad

 

Our last photo together. I'm reminded as I note what I'm wearing...that our words for 2017 were Strong. Courageous.  God commanded us to be strong and courageous, not to tremble or be dismayed. He would be with us wherever we went. I'm thankful that He was....and I do know we are a bit stronger and braver, having walked through this year of PD reality, move, settling in, unemployment and loss.  Each path we safely navigate by His side, builds a bit more courage into our lives.

My heart is full of awe and gratitude for those who volunteer their time and skills in the hospital. This man, and a gal too, came in to play beautiful harp music each day.  Knowing we were Christians, they picked many worship choruses and hymns. It became a highlight of the day. This first day, mom responded, by calming down and turning her head towards the music. She's always loved harp music. There were also pets and quilts and all sorts of volunteers on the floor. River Bend is a good place.

Stacia's New Dress & Mom Update

Stacia took her material and pattern, as well as a cookie cookbook on our trip.  Lorri and Stacia spent a day putting together her dress. 

 And, here is the finished product! 

Mom was still aware of who we are today. She was agitated and determined not to eat. We aren't forcing her to eat. Her pain is still not 100% controlled - even with all the meds. Though I didn't realize it - this was to be the last day that I got the "stink eye" from Mom, or her wry, "Just try to make me look."  She did NOT want to eat - not pudding nor even ice cream. The one mouthful she did eat - she spit out; forcefully. 

At this point mom kept trying to get out of bed.  Throughout the day we sat with her and blocked her exit. She would take hours scooting down so she could attempt a getaway. At one point she got clear to the end and looked at Will and I and said, "SO THERE!" The nurse wanted me to sleep, and so she and Dad took over watching mom. Mom scooted to the end of the bed and went over the end....Mom has always had a fighting spirit - and she kept it to the end.

Visiting Mom in Oregon

I am going to be back posting about a month worth of posts - from this date until mid-January. The tenses may get mixed up, you may read yesterday and it happened a month ago, bear with me. I'll try. 

Early on Sunday Morning, the 3rd of December my brother called. I could hear Mom moaning and talking incoherently in the background. Stacia and I had planned the first of three winter trips for 4 December.  Mom and I had talked daily. We'd texted and shared Polo's on Marco Polo, but shortly after Thanksgiving this all changed. I suspected she'd taken a turn for the worse. She had just had a biopsy earlier in the week. She hadn't seen the doctor to discuss the results.  I only talked to her twice between Thanksgiving and December 3rd and both times she wasn't herself. This was attributed to drugs and pain. 

Will called because he wanted me to be prepared. Earlier in the week we'd talked about a tea party with Stacia, Me, Mom, Sherri and Lorri. Mom had planned to move back home for the week I was there. She insisted we have a "normal" visit this time. There was no way this was happening. 

It was apparent Mom needed to go to the hospital. She didn't want to go, but we all made the decision to take her. Her pain was out of control and there was just no way to keep her comfortable or safe at home. She had been staying at Will and Sherri's since Thanksgiving. I think we suspected they'd get her pain under control and come up with new a new med cocktail and we'd take her home. Mom seemed to know if she went to the hospital, this would be it. She had quit eating on Saturday and we hoped she'd begin to eat as they got her pain under control. 

We had been told Mom had 7 months - 2 years to live. I didn't really think this was "it." This was to be the first of several visits to see her in the upcoming year(s). Michael and Will had both warned they didn't think it would be years. I'm not sure any of us envisioned how quickly she would go - she passed away just 6 weeks and 1 day after being told her cancer had returned. 

Tired and worried - in  a hurry to get to Oregon and River Bend Hospital....

Stacia is wearing our 2017 Family Shirt - Strong.Courageous. 

A word of thanks to Josiah, our eldest son. When he heard I was going to visit Mom, he paid for Stacia to come along. We all wanted her to get to see Mom while Mom was still in a good place. This is one of the things I worried about. We debated about Stacia staying in Alaska - but in the end, Lorri, my cousin, agreed to make sure Stacia was busy,  had a good trip, and visited Mom when she wanted to, while having an escape when she needed it. It worked well and Stacia is glad to have been able to see Mom when Mom still recognized who she was.

Seats together - SCORE 

 I am glad Will called to be sure I understood how much mom had failed in the week before we arrived. She recognized us. She held us, cried, kissed us over and over...and it's been a long time since I've been called, "My baby," so lovingly.   It was good to be with family.

Will, Dad, Stacia and Sherri 

 This turns out to be the last photo the three of us have. I know some wouldn't share it - but it's priceless to us.

Stacia, Mom, Me