Such a Fun Spring Day!

This was an incredibly busy spring Thursday. I managed to get 2 miles in on the treadmill before Dad woke up. This was a bonus!  I got dad through the morning routine and headed to the college to pick up Stacia. We enjoyed our study on atonement/forgiveness. We parted ways after lunch and she headed to physical therapy while I went to play with Bella, Gideon and Jojo. Annie and Trudy had well baby checks today. 

We had an impromptu tea party...and then played astronauts and Throw the Burrito. Before we knew it Bre was walking in the door with the girls. 

Cory and Arielle came over with the boys about the time I got home. This is an exciting day of the year! Spring is here...they began clearing paths through the snow so we can get around our yard and enjoy it a bit. The temps are in the mid 40's and the kids would like to be able to run and play in the yard, I'd like to get to the greenhouse...as you can see the snow is still deep. Paths will help. We couldn't help but think back to Josiah and Michael making paths last April. 

Cory and Michael came up with a system involving the snow blower, shovel and pick axe. Yes, there is snow, an inch or two of ice and then lots of snow on top of the ice. 

Arielle managed to talk Dad into going out on the deck for a bit. He didn't stay out long. He never does. 

Ellie is taking her sweet time...she will arrive before the end of this month! Any time now. Both Benny and Danny were born earlier in the pregnancy than this. LOL 

Charles (above) and Danny (below) found the amount of snow quite challenging. They used up quite a bit of energy outside today.  The temps were great and the sun was AHHHmazing!  BTW, we had 12 hours of sunlight today and will be gaining more light every day now until June 21st. 

Benny managed to pull the sled with Danny on it across the yard to the playhouse. I was impressed. He called for me to come get on the hammocks, but I told him I was waiting for a path. 

While we were visiting, Stacia got home and then Jenni popped in! I extended an invite to Corielle, but they had pizza dough in their fridge at home. I'm learning my oven is simply wonky with meatloaf...so our dinner was later than I'd hoped...none of us really minded the time to visit. We cleaned up dinner, skipped the game this week as we were running late and went right to the living room for Season 2, Episode 1 of All Creatures Great and Small. 

Jenni's project

Allie & Stacia with projects

Other news of import is these three are off on a jet plane! Josi's first trip to Florida...

📷by Carrie

I DO have photos of my bread...but today there is no need to post any of them. LOL 

GRACE NOTES:

1. Hugs when weeping interferes with everyday life. 

2. Glorious sun! 

3. Lots of family time today...

The Day Arrived

I tell family I take a photo of bread every morning so if I have no other photos in a day, I at least have ONE photo for the blog. 

Yes, that day arrived! Here's a photo! ::snort::  The one on the right rose beautifully, but I forgot to bake it due to "The List," trying to work out and just keeping up with the morning routine. When I remembered, it had over-proofed and deflated. I baked it anyway. It was a bit dense, but we got a meal out of it. The one on the left is the loaf I baked this morning...it was on the verge of deflating. It actually had started to shrink but I threw it in the oven before it was totally flat. 

I DID  3.25 miles on the treadmill...and that was an accomplishment as the pedi gal "sanded" the back of my heel and it hurts to wear shoes! LOL 

I wanted to make significant progress on "The List" before Thursday and Friday. I have. I balanced our checkbook. I HAVE kept Dad's bills current, but I haven't done any of the bookwork since Oct 18th. I didn't have the mental/emotional energy. I simply paid all his bills, bought all the things he needed and kept receipts. Today, I got all his receipts entered into his expense tracker, balanced his checking account and paid ourselves some HEFTY reimbursements... honestly, he hadn't paid for anything in 5 months...and that solved the mystery of why things felt TIGHT in our checking when they shouldn't have.😏 I have a few things I still want to get done before Friday...make the appointment with our accountant for taxes, pack and mail a package, and gather all the tax stuff. I am getting it done - and it feels good.  

While I worked on the computer - I broke every 15-30 minutes to stretch sourdough.  I have a loaf which will ferment overnight and hopefully not OVERproof so that it doesn't look sunken and "flabby.". 😂

Allie worked on homework all.day.long. 

Stacia worked on homework and then had a Japanese class and her counseling appointment. She was to meet up with Nolan, Alex and Krista for dinner after her appointment - maybe. 

Michael had an appointment then ran to Walmart for rice flour (I can't find it locally).  I popped a quick pizza in the oven for Dad and Allie. Michael and I grabbed food and ran out to lifegroup. 

We pulled up in good time this week. We discovered lifegroup had been cancelled. I need to make it a practice to check text messages before leaving home. We had a nice visit with Lynn, our leader, and then came home for a leisurely night. 

Meanwhile Krista sent photos...they had dinner, went for a walk and then stopped at Big Dipper. Those of us at home opted for a bit of quiet introvert time at the end of a busy day. 

Nolan, Krista, Stacia, Alex 📷by Krista

It looks like break up! 📷by Krista

Everyone is settling to finish homework or go to bed...Michael is catching up on YouTube and working a crossword puzzle. I think I'll go see if I can find a flat rate box before I settle down to read. 

GRACE NOTES: 

1. Michael filled my car with gas! 

2. Allie watched GG so we could try to attend lifegroup - just that little bit of time alone was helpful. 

3. The crossed off items on "The List" are growing. 

4. Krista picked up a pair of clearance running shoes for me at the BX... saving me a trip to the BX. 

5. Family - I am incredibly thankful for family today. The relationships I have with each of them, the relationships they have with each other. 

Catching Up

I spent all of Monday working on my "The List." Michael and I collaborated on the list Sunday night. We've gotten behind.  It's a long list. I entered our receipts into the expense tracker, started going through the checking account, paid some bills, filled out medical paperwork, and called the girls' therapist office to figure out WHY we are being charged such different rates.  We also worked on catching up laundry.

In the afternoon I raced to pick up Stacia and take her to Physical Therapy. I have great hope this will be the answer she needs for TMJ...though they say stress is a main factor and many in college have TMJ...adding our recent life and I can see why she'd have trouble. In any event, it feels good to be working towards a good spot for her. She began with the pain over a year ago and they suggested having her wisdom teeth out. She did. It still hurts.  

I picked up dad's meds and a few groceries Michael had texted to say we needed and headed home. Michael and I enjoyed a "quiet" evening at home with GG while the girls went to college. 

Today, I continued to work on "The List." I filled out ministerial credential renewals, applied for AK PFDs, called the state to deal with a clerical error they made, finished our bills, worked on balancing the checking account, began Dad's bills, called to schedule a makeup pedicure and ended up going in IMMEDIATELY. 

Allie had an evening class. Stacia came home from college and Nolan arrived about the same time. They stayed and had dinner with GG then watched a movie while Michael and I went out to eat dinner with this young man...and his parents! 

"Hello, Oliver!"

We love any time we get with Ethan and Stacy. I can count on one hand the amount of invites we've had to eat in people's homes since leaving the military. We treasure the invites.   We enjoyed Ethan's stories; the food was great - all in all it was a nice break for Michael and me. 

We arrived home at the very minute GG had declared it was bedtime. Michael handles the bedtime routine. We settled down to visit and were still there an hour later when Allie got home from class. We continued to talk until around midnight when Nolan decided he needed to go home. LOL 

Tomorrow, I will attempt to make normal looking loaf of bread - today's over-proofed and deflated and I will continue to play catch up...so if I don't blog...you can imagine. I hope to complete "The List" by Friday. LOL 

Remembering - By Carrie

Note: Carrie has given us permission to save some of her thoughts here on the blog.

Sweet Josi Faith 

It was around this time last year when we started doing fertility treatments and had our first IUI failure after trying to get pregnant for over a year. I thought for sure that was the hardest struggle I’d have to go through, but life had other plans.

I remember finding out I was pregnant last year on June 2nd. I had probably taken close to 50 pregnancy tests since we had been married so didn’t think it would be a big deal to take one while I was home alone, and Josiah was fishing with his brothers in Seward. I was completely shocked when the digital test said “pregnant” and the second test (can’t ever just take 1 ) had a strong second line. I was pacing around my house in prayer just thanking God over and over while happy tears flowed. I texted Josiah to hurry home so I could talk to him about something.

He told the story of getting that text while they were in Girdwood getting pizza. He told his brothers they had to hurry home because he thought I was going to tell him I was pregnant. Much to his dismay, his brother's friend had just ordered food and it was taking a super long time. Even worse, by the time he got home I was asleep (pregnancy ya know) and he had to wait until the next morning for the good news. He was so excited to add to our little family.

As I sit here nursing our 5-week-old baby girl, I feel that feeling only grief provides… extreme joy and extreme sadness all at the same time. Who even knew that was possible?! Anger and gratitude felt in the same breath.

I’m grateful for Olivia. She has been incredible both with helping with Josi and making me feel so loved and cared for.

I’m grateful that God protected my body during my pregnancy and that Josi is prefect and healthy.

I’m grateful for my work family and to be financially secure enough to take this time away from work to focus on Olivia, Josi, and myself. The average bereavement leave is 3-5 DAYS. Which is crazy. By the time I return to work in May, I’ll have taken 7 months off which has truly been the biggest blessing. Meanwhile my work family has continued to love me, check on me, and encourage me.

I have to admit, being a solo parent is hard and I’m running on 5-6 hours of sleep nightly. But I’m grateful for my community and extremely thankful to have trustworthy friends and family to help watch Josi and help with Olivia when needed.

Most of all, I’m thankful for Jesus. I feel like He is holding my hand walking right beside me.

Whew, sorry for a way too long and over sharing post. I’ve gotten good at those

Sunday Happenings & Sermon Summary LOL

Sunday mornings find us zipping up the freeway to Eagle River. We were a smaller group than normal today...we only had to score 12 seats this morning. JaRissa are ill. Carrie's parents are in AZ. Jamin arrived late. Look at these girls all decked out in Irish Green! 

Carrie & Josi - 5 1/2 weeks

More girls in green

Jamin had a showing in the valley and had to leave us. Luke and Rylan decided to go off on their own adventure and Krista came to lunch with us. Kaelyn was enjoying time with friends. Carrie suggested we go to Pizza Man, a place where they used to go after church and where we had never been. It was GOOD FOOD. I was relieved to find something other than Mexican in Eagle River. ::snort:: 

backside of Josi, Carrie, Stacia, Krista, Livie, Allie, GG, Mike

Front view of Josi. 

There's a lot of energy in this group - they will change their world. 

Livie, Allie, Stacia, Krista

After lunch we drove to JBER to take Krista home.  As we LEFT base we were selected for a random drug search of our vehicle. What a sight we were climbing out of the car so they could search. 

Pretty shady characters! ::snort:: 

The girls met Jamin at the movie theater. Originally, Nolan and I were going but both of us had "things" come up. I'm content to stream the movie when it comes out. 

Michael and I had a fun talk about this morning's sermon...and I watched it again, I wanted to nail down a quote by Neil Cole. It helps to be able to pause a pastor as one writes. snort:: Pastor Brian's sermon is titled, "What Kind of Church is This?" He shared the vision of who ACF church is ... When we were fairly new at MAG Pastor Shannon did a series called, "This is Us." It was a series on his vision for the church. This sort of series is so helpful when one is getting to know a church. We noted Pastor Shannon's phrase, "Your partner in becoming" was also about discipleship.  Pastor Brian did a great job and left us with much to pray over and meditate on. Here are some of the things which stand out to us... 

Many see church as they do a trip Sudsy Salmon... put it in neutral, lean back and hope to come out cleaner. 

ACF church exists to make disciples. 

When discipleship gets hard, we can leave, or we can lean in.

One can be a disciple without being a Christian (interesting verses and conversation as we discussed this) but one cannot be a Christian without becoming a disciple. 

Great discussion on the Word, Mission and Spirit... three essential elements at ACF church - and what happens when one element is missing.

Behind you is a wake of discipleship - for better or worse. People will follow you and you can tell who you are following by what it produces in your life and in the lives of those following you. 

The church only becomes what we are becoming individually. 

If you don't love people; you don't love God. Which is why ACF church can say with boldness "You don't have to believe to belong." Belonging often precedes believing...in Jesus' ministry and at ACF church. 

A long quote from Neil Cole about rivers and lakes..... "A lake and a river are very different things. In broad strokes: a river is constantly changing, adapting and moving. A river can forge into rough ground and smooth it out over time. A river can carve out great canyons and transport goods to those who are in need downstream. A river can create energy; it is a power source. A lake is constant, comfortable and mostly unchanging. We can walk into the lake and walk out in exactly the same place with no change. With a river, however, when we enter into it, we are moved and cannot possibly exit in the same place in which we first encountered it. All who enter into the river are moved to another place, taken into the flow and thrust into deeper waters. A lake is safe; we can wade in at our own pace and go as deep as we want to go. A river is dangerous and will sweep us into its momentum and perhaps take us to places we may not want to go.  A river seems to have a will of its own."

ACF church is a river.  

 GRACE NOTES: 
1. Connecting with our kids at church is a taste of heaven on earth. 

2. A sermon which left us challenged and contemplating what our journey will look like long-term. 

3. Lunch with some of our favorite girls... 

Christians Can't Grieve

When news of Josiah's murder began to spread throughout the community a friend from co-op told me her son was murdered nearly 18 years ago and when I was ready, she was available to talk.

I have begun to think of questions I'd like to ask if the opportunity arose. We got a few minutes on a recent co-op day, and I asked her 1. Did you get justice for your son (no), and 2. Did people make comments like "these" to you (absolutely not). 

No?

I thought these were typical comments. 

Her granddaughter was with her and shared unless someone has lived what we are living they really shouldn't be telling us what to do or how to feel. 

From the responses of several nearby I realized the comments we have been receiving are not the norm.

Before going any further I must state the love and care we received from the Christian community and our community at large has been amazing! There were meals, hugs, cards, groceries, gift cards...we wouldn't have made it through those early weeks without the love and support of so many. We leaned hard on so many of you - you are the best. 

As time has gone on, however, we began receiving various comments, texts, emails...some within the first month of loss. I shared many of the written communications with my counselor to make sure I wasn't reading them totally wrong. He thinks I tend to see the best intentions in people.

After the response from my friends at co-op, hearing that this family did not hear these comments, I continued to consider...is it ME? I think in part it is. I'm learning I've given far too many people too much access to my inner thoughts and emotions.  I think that is a part of it. I have shared freely, others feel comfortable saying to me what they wouldn't say to Michael or another. However, I think there is more. 

Sadly, as I considered the comments, I realized all came from well-meaning Christians. It broke my heart a little more. We, of all people, should be compassionate and loving in the face of grief. We are commanded to WEEP WITH THOSE WHO WEEP. Why can't more of us do those simple things? Love each other. Grieve with each other. Why are my friends who don't profess to follow Jesus more willing to listen without judgment? When did we Christians become so uncomfortable with emotions? 

I'm being very mindful not to share exact comments, but there are specific comments said or sent to me which have been very painful...all conveying we have grieved enough and it's time to get back to ministry.  I extend grace. I forgive. I am wounded as it feels like the love, I thought many had for me was really for how I could minister to them.  I am surprised one would think I have to BE AT A CERTAIN PLACE in order to be loved. That feels very transactional rather than unconditional.

Please note I do assume folks are trying to say they miss US...and not simply what we DID for them...but some comments have been more plain than others. You'll simply have to trust me. I shared with my family and counselor and know in my heart of heart that some see life as a transaction. I am not holding up my end of the bargain lately. I'm not where I'm supposed to be, doing what I'm expected to do.  

Maybe they can't understand how we ARE still ministering...to each other, to our kids, to the people who routinely grace our table - the strangers who become family. A friend from a chapel where we served stated this season well. Our ministry is micro these days; we've been doing macro for years.  Both types of ministries are valid. We are ministering in and through our grief, as we are able to in this season. 

But no, I do not think it's time to "get over grieving." 

Yes, Paul says we don't grieve as those without hope.  He doesn't, however, say we don't grieve! 

Every parent I have talked to who has lost a child...through miscarriage, cancer, accident or murder have all said you DON'T get over it...you carry on with it...

WHY are we so bad at grieving as Christians? Our Lord was a man of sorrows, well acquainted with grief. We are to imitate him. He WEPT with Martha and Mary - even KNOWING he was about to RESTORE their brother to them in the here and now. He wept.

Do we feel like we have to always appear full of joy? Do we have a drive to portray nothing of the world can touch us? Do we want badly to "fix it" and when faced with something we can't fix simply revert to "get back to LOOKING normal" as quickly as possible? Do we fail to really listen? Are we too busy to practice the ministry of presence?  Are we failing to love one another unconditionally? Are we afraid to look broken to those outside the church? 

We can, and must, do better. So many in our broken world are grieving. Can we not be a safe place for their broken hearts? Can we not simply love and sit with them rather than trying to fix them or get them back into the box where we think they fit best? Can we not be honest enough to admit we have no idea how to help, but we're here? Can we not at least refrain from telling someone it's time to quit grieving? Because - if you don't know, you don't know. If you've lost a son in a brutal crime and have words you think are necessary to share - I'm all here. I'm actually all here when folks say the hurtful things - I KNOW many are trying to help - but we can do better. It's sad when the world would never dare to say to a grieving mom the things which have been said repeatedly by well-meaning Christians. Maybe because the world doesn't expect me to ever be whole?

I do not grieve as one WITHOUT HOPE. I have hope Jesus will take every broken piece of my life and make something beautiful and useful from it. HE truly is the only one who can "fix me." He will do that. Maybe we simply have to step back and BE THERE, LOVE and leave all the fixing to One who is qualified to step into that role. 

I see a Christian counselor. He would be sure to tell me if I were grieving in an unhealthy manner. He has affirmed my thoughts and instincts on much of this and has helped me work my way through to grace while still maintaining healthy internal boundaries. 

As I left co-op all these thoughts were swirling through my mind. I pulled into traffic, up to a traffic light, right behind this car.

A red 4 Runner. The twin of Josiah's car. Tears flowed. Is that unhealthy? No. There are moments when the loss smacks one in the face...pulling behind a car that looks like his, finding the bases he gave us so we could have family tball and kickball games in the yard...the moment I have something I want to tell him or get his opinion on... and I cry. But I am not crying all the time! I am past those days. I'm in the phase of being comfortable with grief spasms when they hit - because I've learned they pass much quickly if I just experience it and keep going....the grief, the hurt, the anger, the joy, the love all existing at once. 

Why do I write all this? I do process by writing. I do know that many of you have expressed a desire to understand and maybe in this small way it will help you help others in the future. Just be there - you don't have to fix it. You can't. It's not your job. Just be present. 

March Family Celebration

 We gathered this afternoon to celebrate Kaelyn, GG, and Cory's birthday. Ellie got an honorable mention as we're quite sure she will arrive in March! We also celebrated Carrie's completion of her bachelor's in nursing (so proud of her!). 

(Livie) Corry & GG 

The moment CoRielle arrived these two 3-year-olds began to clean. They love to help clean.

I love their matching Dino sweatshirts - gifted to them by a sweet lady at Farm Loop. 

JaRissa and Noah weren't able to make it today - Larissa and Noah are ill.  Izaak was swamped with homework.  Everyone else was here at some point in the day...and it was great fun. 

Games

Carrie and Jenni - LOVE these girls! 

Jamin and Josi

Ellie will arrive this month!

Benny loved the birthing ball. 

Jenni and Livie having a joke off competition.

GG

A sure sign the gang is all here!

Krista and Josi

Great discussions were had around the table...around the kitchen island...and in the living room too. 

Carrie, Stacia and Jojo

This is NOT their baby! Cory, Arielle & Josi

Michael made two ice cream cakes this month. This is a new style, and it was a hit! He also made a death by chocolate one in the traditional cheesecake pan. 

Preparing to sing...

More games

Josi is such a good little gal! Everyone loves to get baby snuggles...and soon Josi will have Ellie to help her with the job! LOL 

Jenni, Jamin and Josi 📷by Carrie

All this and a backrub too! What can I say? I'm living the life! 

Jenni has the right touch! 📷by Carrie

Stacia, Liv and Carrie 📷by Carrie

At some point in the early evening Alex and then families began to leave. Annie was mesmerized by Josi. She followed her around much of the evening, and even carried the diaper bag out to the car for Carrie when it was time for Carrie and the girls to leave. 

Such sweet girls! 📷by Carrie

Nolan, Jamin and Jenni stayed, and we visited. Nolan left and we continued visiting. At some point we all realized it was Saturday evening and we broke up the party. 

It was good to be together as a big group today!