Tuesday, December 07, 2021

Hard Day - The Heart Remembers

December 7th has always meant Pearl Harbor. Yes, the day stands out more since having lived in Japan, touring Hiroshima...but I found myself getting sad yesterday. I woke up this a.m. and was simply out of sorts. I was sad, overwhelmed, longing for times past, thinking of Hardin, MT and past assignments and friends.  A friend who has suffered a great loss, shared with me she thinks our hearts remember at times before our minds remember. 

I pushed on with reading Revelation - though I didn't get to post in Bible Babes, as Dad rang and the day was off.

When Michael woke up it was obvious, I was still not quite "on."  Let's get real. It was QUITE OBVIOUS when I said, with tears in my eyes, I want out of my life. Now this is ODD. On most days I would tell you I love our crazy, unexpected retirement life.  He suggested I take a nap. The girls readily agreed to change some plans we had to surprise someone. I took a nap. I NEVER actually sleep deeply when I nap. Today, I did. 

I woke and was still sad but better. Michael suggested he go to the deli and pick up some dinner. We've done this FAR too often lately, but I agreed.  I had very little motivation to DO anything. He invited the girls to go with him to town.  Stacia made hot chocolate mix while I napped (probably inspired by the giant mugs from last night). As they all left, Dad got busy on the phone, and I thought it would be fun to make some sugar free hot chocolate mix. Hot Chocolate is a comfort drink from my childhood.  I haven't had any all year. I sat down at the computer with my mug, thinking I'd get a few back blogs posted and NOT post about today's funk....

Homemade sugar free mix - Max Mallows (SF)

I remembered Brenda's comment and decided to check our family journal (this blog) and see what my heart may be remembering. On Dec 7th, four years ago, Will, Dad, Sherri and I met with Mom's doctors. We called Nate and Heather and Michael, and we all agreed. It was time to change Mom's care to hospice. After talking with hospice, it was agreed Mom would remain in the hospital on comfort care/palliative care, as she was too sick to be moved. I've written about the decision and how one has to reaffirm the decision every step of the way to death.  As the post popped onto the screen I saw Mom's friend of 50 years and Mom in that hospital room....and the tears came hard. Then Dad, honestly looking a bit loony, but so much more independent and healthier than now, popped up on the screen... it's a good thing our hearts remember what our minds try to leave behind.  

I have done well this Christmas season. We got most of the decorations up, we still need to put Mom's outside nativity up. I've done the little things that were normal, that frankly, I've not felt up too in the past 3 years.  Mom LOVED Christmas. It was her schtick. Some would say I should celebrate it in memory, or honor, of her like she did...but honestly, I felt she was a bit over the top. ::snort::  I do find myself doing a few extra things she did. Christmas is all mixed up with Mom, and her death coming when it did only serves to strengthen that connection in my hear. I knew sometime during the season I'd most likely need to have a good cry. I hope today is it.  I have learned to sit with the grief rather than to try to ignore it.  It's been four years. The grief is much easier to live with in 2021 than it was in 2017. And yet, I still miss Mom. I miss the plans she had to move to Alaska and live her last years here.  I KNOW if she were here, we'd be chasing her down the sledding hill and fussing to her about the need for common sense. snort:: She'd probably be sneaking just as much sugar as Dad does. He SWEARS she ate more sugar than him, yet I refill HIS sugar bowl twice a week....with a stevia blend. 

I do love my life. I simply needed to sit with the "what might have beens," today.  I took the time to read the blog posts from that last week of Mom's life...and the lessons I learned from her. 

Michael and the girls got home with dinner. Alex and Nolan got home from work. We hadn't expected everyone to be home. What a great unexpected gift. 

Our Advent focus today is Jesus being TRUTH - and that tied it well with Rev 21 from this morning. We especially liked the thought that lies NEED the truth to wrap around, but truth stands all be itself. 

Alex drew out the Scavenger Advent Clue: You would not guess it; I am one of the oldest things in the house. 

Nolan's hip is hurting again. He stayed down but talked through the options and the others went to check them out. 

Allie found it first.  The rocking chair is my grandfather's. She waited for Stacia to find it. Then they waited for the boys to find it. Nolan pointed out there are a LOT of old things in this house. He's not wrong.  ::snort:: 
Hmmm....time to throw away 4 dead plant containers?

Yes, this one was OBVIOUS. We knew the boys were tired and yet, we wanted to make this memory with them. 

The gift tonight? A piece of fine holiday fashion. They each got a "Santa" hat.  I didn't realize Nolan's lit up. He says it will be great for a bit of holiday cheer at work. πŸ˜‰

These hunts are a memory from the kids' childhood. I'm glad the girls suggested bringing them back when we talked about activities we should do this season. The hunt is really more fun than the gifts - but we decided to do the gifts this year too, and that's been a good decision. 
Allie, Nolan, Stacia, Alex

Alex headed for downstairs shortly after this photo. He DOES have to be at work at 0500. Nolan has the day off tomorrow and decided to stay on the couch with the heating pad and watch a movie. I left the room as they were discussing "Christmas movies," I thought. I came back and we were watching "The Muppets Most Wanted." 🀷

Everyone headed to bed. I blew out the candle we'd left burning after dinner and decided to blog about today after all. 

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