Yesterday's post listed things that have happened since mid-June. I asked where I should start the catch up and several of you messaged, you'd like to hear more about Dad.
First, this was a gut-wrenching decision. Many conversations, tears and much, much guilt over the decision which had to be made. Guilt, which I now realize was false-guilt.
We loved dad living with us for the past 6 years. It did, however, change quite a few things in our family dynamic. The biggest issue we ran into was never having a break. Michael and I could not travel together and have taken separate trips the past five years. As Dad's health and motivation decreased he never wanted to leave home, and so things such as fishing and dip netting didn't happen unless I could arrange care for Dad here at home. I called our local Visiting Angels and was told they couldn't provide what we needed. Local senior services couldn't provide the respite care we needed. Our kids did as they were able to, but when their situations changed, they were unable to provide respite. Meanwhile Michael's health has been deteriorating - when his neurology care was moved to Portland, and I couldn't go with him as we couldn't leave Dad alone...well things had to change...but we kept limping along. We did try to communicate our need, but we were met with mostly "Wow, you need a break. We'll pray about that." Michael felt his health slipping away and we were not able to do the things he wanted to do before it slipped away. These were thoughts we wrestled with for months.
Josiah was murdered.
Grief was added to the picture. The entire family was grieving. There were times when Dad remembered what was going on and times when he didn't and it was gut-wrenching to have to explain. Still...getting up each morning to take care of Dad did force me to get up.
I began seeing a counselor. I was still very resistant and torn up about finding other arrangements for Dad. I told him I knew self-care isn't selfish, but it does seem there can be a measure of self-centeredness, and he stopped me. Josh said we were not talking self-care here, we were talking survival. He agreed with the rest of the family. He felt I needed a change not only for the reasons we'd been tossing around but because I needed time to be able to grieve, to focus on my mental health and it wasn't happening as I was giving so much to so many. He, and others, helped me see I WOULD still be taking care of Dad's needs even if we found him another living situation.
We realized he couldn't live on his own. We also realized he couldn't afford assisted living care. We began the process of getting him qualified with the state for the medicaid waiver which will supplement his care. This was reams of paperwork. I'm trying to keep this short - but I had to submit his application five times over the next year. It was incredibly frustrating. Finally, they accepted his application. He was financially qualified for a Medicaid waiver. Now, I was told he had to be medically qualified. Since Dad is mobile, they didn't think he would qualify for the waiver. By this time, I was desperate. I knew Dad needed a new situation. He had become very isolated. We couldn't find people his age for him to make new friends. He refused to leave our home when outings were offered. We knew he'd be happier if he could be more social. But they didn't think he'd qualify and warned us that often you have to do the medical evaluation several times, waiting a year in between each evaluation. They suggested he move into a rent supplemented apartment, and they would send people in to clean, do laundry etc. I told them why I didn't feel this was a good plan. His care coordinator agreed to submit a request for an evaluation as she knew (having worked with us since the month after Josiah's murder) how badly we needed to find him a new place to live.
The evaluator came to our home. He spent 3 hours with us. He also warned us it was iffy if Dad would be approved this first year. He told us Dad was not a good candidate for living independently in an apartment. Dad's care coordinator and the evaluator all knew our story, that I needed a break and that Dad "couldn't stay here." They wrote up their evaluations. The doc agreed that Dad would be best suited living with family or an assisted living situation. They told us we'd hear back from the state in a month and if it was denied we were to ask for another, more intense evaluation because all really felt we all needed the change.
We waited.
We had told Dad in Dec 2023 we were looking into a new living arrangement for him. We knew he wanted to move to Oregon, but we simply couldn't work it out. I talked with a couple who work with the program in Oregon, and they all advised me to apply from Alaska. The thing is we had this discussion 3x with Dad and each time it was like starting all over. He would insist he was going to Oregon, I would have to explain why he couldn't, he was sad, I was sad...it was horrible. After the third time we decided we would not bring it up again until the state told us he was approved, and we KNEW he would be moving shortly.
We waited.
We heard nothing until June 23rd when I got a text that Dad had been accepted. He would get a long-term Medicaid waiver. He could move in as soon as we found a place for him.
I dreaded the conversation with Dad. He had always forgotten, and it was always dramatic to go over it again. This time he remembered. I told him I thought he'd be happier where he could make friends, they wouldn't hound him as closely as we do about things such as his diet, exercise and doing what he didn't want to do. ::snort:: We could just be FAMILY and not caregivers.
A home in Anchorage had an immediate opening. We wanted to keep Dad in the valley...close to us. We checked Palmer and all the homes were either not taking new Medicaid waivers, or they only took women. I lined up two homes for us to tour in Wasilla that had space and were taking the waiver.
The first (not sharing name) seemed so depressing, dark and sad. People were just laying around and not very bright or cheerful. Dad put a good face on it. I asked what he thought, and he said, "I think it is nice. It will work." I told him I thought it was awful, but we had another home to look at.
We arrived at Mountain Meadows Assisted Living early. It was a warm day, so I suggested we go inside and wait for Kathy, the owner who would give us a tour. Dad asked for a cup of coffee.
As I got Dad settled, my back was to a couple of women. I heard someone say, "I KNOW that family! They are the best family! I bet she is looking for a home for her Dad."
I turned around to see Ms. BONNIE. Grandma Bonnie used to attend the church where we were associate pastors. She showed us her room, told Dad this was a great home, answered his questions and they visited. Kathy came and we went on a tour. It turns out we know many of the same people. She is a believer. The home is just opening. There were 4 residents when Dad moved in. I think it's up to about 12 or so now. Everything was newly painted and is clean and bright.
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| Bonnie and Dad |
Before we finished the tour Dad voiced, he would like to move in here. We made arrangements and he was able to move on July 1st. Yes, it was still hard the day the move came.
Dad told me, "I wasn't happy about the move when you first told me, but I'm excited now." There have been some adjustments. We have learned to sign his calendar when we visit so he remembers how many visits he is getting, or he starts to think we are ignoring him. grin:: He gets lots of visits. He's also participating in a program called "Lifeworks" which is an adult day center. He can go as many as 5 days a week. He goes 2 or 3 afternoons a week. They do things like bowling, the fair, games and crafts. He fell while bowling and that raised quite a flurry of paperwork. He's on the mend now.
We were so blessed by Luke and Cory on moving day. Luke helped us load everything into the truck. We drove across town. Cory met us and helped us unload everything at the home. He also visited with several residents and is quite the hit himself. Michael's back continues to be a problem so this help was essential.
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| Dad ready to move. |
We all unloaded and arranged his room. Driving away felt a lot like driving away after leaving a child at college.
Unpacking and settling in.
We picked up some shelves for under his window.
I plan to make some photo collages of his kids and grand, great grand kids to go on the blank wall.
When we visit Dad is HAPPY to see us and turns from what he is doing to hold conversations with us. When we suggest an outing, he is always ready to go. He gained 11 lbs the first month. I'm pretty sure he'll be back on higher doses of insulin soon, but he is happy. He's making friends. His old personality is back. He's teasing and telling jokes. Everyone, other residents as well as staff, tell me how much they love him and what fun he is to have around. He, Ms Bonnie and Ms. Pat have a weekly Bible study. The home is a mile from Wasilla Community Church where Cory is the pastor. Arielle and the boys pick him up for church each Sunday. I'm still Dad's Power of Attorney. I handle all the bills, communication with the state, scheduling and transporting to appointments and any shopping he needs. We get to be family and not rule enforcers.
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| Stacia and Allie visit GG. |
One Saturday Jared and Noah, Stacia and I, Larissa and Allie and Bre and her kids all showed up to visit Dad. Eventually, Jared, Noah, Dad, Stacia and I went out to Kaladi Brothers (coffee shop).
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| Noah approves. |
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| Dad even goes for walks if I ask him now. |
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| His favorite outings involve Big Dipper or Little Millers |
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| Stacia and I talked him into working on a puzzle. |
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| Arielle & the kids took him to the Extreme Fun Center. |
We also grab dad for family gatherings and birthday parties, potlucks etc.
When it happened, it happened fast, but the process really took 1 1/2 years. The move has made it much easier to handle things like court dates and taking a daughter to college. We were all able to take Allie to VA. We had thought one of us would need to stay home with Dad. He is happy and laughing and that's great to see. I love that he interacts with us more when we visit.
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| The women call this his "throne." ::snort:: |
Now that Allie's move is complete and Stacia is back at work and college, I begin to realize how QUIET it is around here and how much time I have on my hands. I once again have time for coffee with friends and breakfast dates. However, my circle has changed and grown quiet since Fall of 2023.
I'm in a season of careful evaluation. I sense I need to take TIME and let myself feel and be sad...not rush through it and deaden the pain with more activity.
I'm not liking all the quiet.
