Grieving Right vs Grieving Well

 We've gone back and forth before posting this...but we attempt to walk with authenticity and sometimes it's messy.  We KNOW any of the comments below were meant well. We've probably said one or two of them before ourselves. Really, in the future when a friend is grieving, we will be more like Job's friends at the first...when they came and sat...before they began speaking. LOL  We will sit until God clearly shows the time is right to begin sharing "truth." Grace and truth. Together. Sometimes just waiting for the right time is the required grace. 

Photo by Carrie - dip netting! 

Dorothy, commented on FB that Michael and I seemed concerned about grieving correctly and it seems we worry about letting people or God down. Her comment made me think, and then it made US think together.  She's right. Why is THAT concerning us? 

We've been thinking about it all day. Why in the world would we even attempt to carry THAT burden at THIS time?

As a "professional," Michael has helped young widows, widowers and airmen through the process of grief. While we all say there isn't a right or a wrong way to grieve, there are stages and a process...and it's undeniable some people seem to heal better than others.  

Then there are the books, "Grieving GOD'S Way," for instance. If there is a GOD'S way, it stands to reason that would be the RIGHT way to grieve and, therefore, there would be an UNgodly way to grieve - which would be the wrong way. If there's a "Good Grief," there must be a bad grief. If there's a "Path Through Pain," or a hope of "Getting to the Other Side of Grief," one had better find the right path so as not to get hopelessly lost inside of grief.  (Note, these may be great books, I've not purchased any of them - just tried to figure out which may help and then decided I didn't have the energy to decide).

Then comments...well-meaning I'm sure, or maybe unthinking...

 "You're so strong, I could NEVER do this. " 

No. We're not. We're a mess. We're shattered. We're bruised. We walk with One who IS strong and we're pretty sure He carries us most of these days.   And may we gently ask, "WHAT CHOICE DO ANY OF US HAVE?"  Sitting down and saying, "We can't and we're not going to," won't change a thing. 

"I'm sure it's getting easier every day." 

No, it's not. 

"We don't have the resources to deal with so much grieving." 

Frankly, neither do we. We certainly don't want to be a drain. So, what should we do? 

"You should be feeling better by now."

Um...maybe we should, and maybe sometimes we do, but most times we do not. One friend reports she sat on her patio and went nowhere for a week after her dog died. She figures, and we concur, we're fine to be in a fog a bit longer than 3 weeks. And REALLY!?! 

"I could NEVER pray for my son's murderer." 

We hope you never have to. It's the hardest thing we've ever done.  The God who carries us tells us to pray for our enemies. While we are convinced the man is not our enemy - Satan is our enemy - we also know he's the hardest person we've ever tried to pray for, and De'Etta found it nearly too much to be next to his mother in court, though we didn't find out who she was until after the fact. The same Jesus who said, "Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted," also said, "pray for your enemies." 

On the other hand, don't glibly tell one of our family they need to "pray and forgive," especially if you can't even be civil and forgive or show grace to the teenager who gets your order wrong at McDonald's.  

So...our profession, the books, the comments...all pushing relentlessly towards figuring out how to get through, out of, or off of the path of this grief... and add to this we are both teachers by spiritual gifting and practice. We take seriously the admonition to handle the Word accurately, and we understand we will be held accountable for teaching doctrines which are off-base or out-of-kilter. 

Yes, one starts to subliminally think there is a way to handle this heart-rending grief, and if we could just figure out the secret key, everything would fall into place. 

We hear it helps to "get back to normal" and we hear to "give yourself grace," and we wonder HOW...thus the prayer request from last night. Dorothy's observation was accurate. We have been trying to be sure we do it "right." 

We can't carry that load. 

We don't know how to walk this one out in a way that honors Jesus. We've never walked this way before. Oh, we've lost parents and that was some preparation.

BUT 

We've never lost a grown son before. 

We've never grieved with a daughter-in-law and grand-daughter before like this.

Our children have never lost a brother before.

We've never had such violence reach into our family before. 

We can't carry the burden of what others say or think at this point.  If we grieve "wrong," we will pray for grace to have no one follow us. 

The only thing we're convinced of is we need to continue pressing into Jesus. We need to keep being authentic and honest with Him.  He CAN handle it...and we hope this post isn't too authentic. Our heart is not to offend. We're processing.

Yes, this has been a hard day. 

Three weeks, and he is not here and never will be... We will go to him. 

I, De'Etta, discovered photos of Josiah and Liv which made me smile and made me cry. (I'll post them in a different post). 

We've lost much.

We still have much. 

Both can be true at the same time. 

ONE THING: Our one thing besides grieving and spending time with Jesus was hunting down decor and gifts for four of our grandchildren who will be celebrating birthdays at this month's family gathering on Saturday. 

GRACE NOTES: (Tonight I'm thankful for...)

1. Lynette sent a recounting of a conversation she overheard at Josiah's Celebration of Life. 

2. We are hearing a tiny bit of the good God is working out of this mess. 

3. A sweet daughter in law who sent this photo at just the right moment. There is still so, so much grace in our lives. 

Noah's mealtime - photo by Larissa

4. No new snow today! 

We're trying to get the energy to build a sledding run out here!

5. Michael Nortune, the president of our denomination, Open Bible Churches, sent a very sweet and caring condolence letter to us on the loss of Josiah. 

6. The pumpkin is full...

7. Our kids started a family text-thread. It's good to laugh at silly antics in the midst of "this." 

Three Weeks - Snowy Day

 It's been 3 weeks since that fateful day. 

Three short weeks which feel like an eternity. 

Words fall short of expressing my thoughts and emotions.  

I don't have the energy to try this evening. 

My "one thing" other than grieving today was writing a couple of thank you notes, and driving to the mailbox and dropping them in. I also cooked dinner and got ON the treadmill. I did not turn the treadmill on. This is the second day I've climbed on and decided I didn't have the energy to turn it on. I'm going to have to push through that. LOL 

We are preparing for our monthly family celebration this upcoming Saturday (the waterworks start just typing that). When one walks into our home one of the first things they see as they look up into the living room from the entry is Mike's recliner and one of the couches. Josiah and Carrie usually showed up a couple hours early for family celebrations. Josiah always sat in the same spot on the couch and visited with Mike.  They were also on hand to help with last minute food prep and hauling tables and chairs. When family have visited, that spot on the couch is glaringly empty. We're not afraid of tears, but Carrie shared she had rearranged some furniture and that helped. After dinner I moved the couch and recliners to break it up a bit. We'll see if it helps. 

Railing was cleared last night

In other news - we woke up to ANOTHER 6 inches of snow. It IS much more beautiful with the assurance Shawn will be by to plow the driveway. I think we're falling in love with Shawn. LOL  The other company had a fleet of fancy trucks ...but BALD TIRES and didn't push the snow down the hill. Shawn fixed that last night and was by before 0900 this morning clearing the driveway again.  The second vehicle closest to the house is my van...it was clear when we went to bed. Stacia's vibe is behind the van and it is TALLER than the van now due to snow. LOL 

Shawn in the blue truck 

On days like this I really question our chicken raising aspirations. Allie had mercy on me and took care of them this morning. There were 22 eggs, so the cold isn't bothering them too much. They stand in the space under the roof and squawk at us. I'm sure they are complaining about the white stuff. They are all in the coop every night...even when we let them range throughout the property. One hen stayed out all night once last week...I'm pretty sure she won't do THAT again.  They don't leave that square once the snow arrives. 

And just like THAT - all the weeds from the garden plot are out of sight!

Look at the snow in the toddler swing! 

It snowed all day. Michael needed to dig out cars and, in the process, got the snow blower out and took care of the front area by the cars, and then the whole driveway... another 4 - 6 inches had accumulated. Jamin said we could have called Shawn back. WHUT? I passed that on to Michael, but he said he needed to do the cars anyway. 

We had dinner. The girls are in the process of attending their college class via zoom. 

It's getting dark around 4 p.m. now. We're in the season of long winter nights.  This was 4 p.m. 

Today's Grace Notes:

1. Alaska is beautiful in white. 

2. Jamin has blessed us this winter with snow removal, and we are grateful. 

3. Three weeks - and we are still surviving. 

4. I pulled out the notes from yesterday's sermon and they were still so very helpful. 

Prayer Requests: 

1. Mike and I are just not sure how we're supposed to grieve the loss of Josiah. Pray with us to know when we need to "suck it up" and when we need to "show ourselves grace." 

2. Pray for each member of the family as we grieve. 

3. We feel a component of this season is spiritual warfare, pray with us that everything the enemy intended would be thwarted and that no seeds of bitterness would take root in our family.

4. Please pray with us that God brings lots and lots of good for this horrible situation. 

Club Beyond was so good for our kids

Mourning Mind Tricks

The mind is an amazing thing and coupled with grief odd things can happen. LOL 

With that in mind, I am ready to confess for the past 4 or 5 days I've woken up mid-night with the feeling of holding baby Josiah. His head resting in the crook of my arm, my hands cupping his little bum while he nursed.  It seems so real. I'm up in the middle of the night nursing my first-born son. I can feel it. 

Such sweet and tender moments. 

He and I alone. 

But, wait. 

I'm in bed. 

And the last time I saw Josiah he had been savaged by evil. 

No longer the little boy, but an unassuming man of God, the type who loves big and courageously and would lay down his life to protect another. 

Like his father. 

I weep. 

I'm proud. 

I'm thankful and I grieve. 

This morning when the cycle began it was replaced with the thought of being in the room with Carrie and Jess when Josiah and Carrie's little Josi is born. I'm so very thankful for Josiah's girls. They've brought such joy to our family. 

I find I'm smiling amidst the tears. 

Sermons, Skiing and Shopping

We went two different directions today. Stacia headed to MAG to help Jenni and Kaleah with Children's church and then to lead the practice for the children's Christmas play.  I hear it went well. Bre and kids were also at MAG.

After the practice, Jenni and Stacia went to Government Peak Trail to get in some cross-country skiing.

Stacia is excited to report she did not fall at all! Not even once! 

Meanwhile, the rest of us headed up the Glenn to Eagle River where we attended church with Carrie at ACF. Church was good; spending the afternoon together was excellent. At one point, Carrie and I left and did a bit of shopping, while Allie and Livie baked cookies and played games. 

Jamin called a new snow removal man who lives right around the corner from us. It turns out he has plowed this driveway for previous owners. He came over while we were in Eagle River and moved the wall of snow left by the fancy company...pushed it down the hill just where we wanted it to be. He also plowed the whole width of our driveway! We really like this man! 

Jamin left shortly after we returned from Walmart. Michael and I were able to have a nice talk with Carrie while Liv showed Allie her massive collection of squishmallows. 

It was a good Sunday. 

Grace Notes:

1. I have been invited to attend Josi's birth with Carrie. She'll do the work, I'll do the cheering. 

2. A sermon on prayer and mental health that knocked it out of the park. 

3. Time spent with family and extended family (Carrie's family LOL). 

A Wonderful Saturday

Saturdays are hard, as you probably guessed from the previous post.  The day that loomed so long and dreary in my mind was beyond full of love and laughter. 

Michael left early to get our rear tires replaced. He was there all.day.long. It seems most wait until the first snow to get their snow tires changed over.  It was our bad luck to have tires go out at the same time the first storm hit. LOL We now have four new tires and are starting over with hopes for longer wear. 

While Michael was gone Brian and Alicia stopped over to buy eggs...and hug me, encourage me, and offer their presence and home as a safe place when the need arises. Alicia and I served on an International/Regional Protestant Women Of the Chapel board at the same time. We've known each other many years. 

Stacia baked a smash cake for Trudy and a number of cupcakes for next week's Family Celebration. I've ordered baby yoda toppers for one celebrant and am hoping they arrive in time...we'll also have mickey mouse and dinosaur themes. Cupcakes seemed the easiest way to go! 

Jenni came by. She brought 3 pints of ice cream from Big Dipper. That stuff is fantastic. She also brought a beautiful loaf of bread from Joelle.  We had tea, (I found my tea stone cold after everyone left - but I prepared some tea, I have serious brain fog these days), visited and Stacia and Jenni made plans for tomorrow. 

Joelle makes PRETTY bread

Millie went crazy again; it was Melany, Lorelai, and Ketziah arriving with an amazing pot of chicken and dumplings. The best part, however, was seeing THEM. They were a sight for bruised hearts. They had just pulled out when Millie sounded the alarm again and we discovered CoRielle and the boys were here. Arielle rested in the house while Cory tried to shovel a path to the back yard for the boys. I suggested the sled we haul wood and snow with as an easier mode of travel. 

A whole lot of shoveling

One thing led to another, and He took the young boys to the top of the driveway. Unless we get a hill/run built in the back yard this is the best we have to offer. 

Cory, Danny, Charles

Cory pulled the boys around our snow berm and did a loop back through the woods and along the front of the garden plot to the berm again. We had hoped to pack some trails down for Stacia to ski on. Benny asked for his skis, and he took first dibs at the newly packed path. 

They fit much better this year

Completing their loop

The girls and Jenni took turns pulling the newly minted 3-year-olds to the top of the driveway. They loved sledding down and there were always two to catch them at the bottom. 

Allie & Charles

Jenni, Charles and Stacia

At some point during all the play, Jamin showed up. He joined in the merriment. Danny's hands get VERY red and cold. He was ready to call it a day before anyone else. I set him up with a heating pad and hot chocolate. In no time we had crackers, jerky, cheese and hot chocolate on the table, cookies baking in the oven. One by one everyone came inside where we continued to share laugher and friendship. 

Jenni needed to head out. 

CoRielle and boys left. 

Jamin had plans with Nolan and Alex to watch Wheel of Time. 

We enjoyed Chicken and Dumplings and are settling in for a quiet evening. Michael and Dad are trying to watch a Duck game - but it has a box across the screen. Odd. Stacia is prepping for play practice, I think. Allie is editing a paper for college. Millie is resting after all her excitement. 

I am thankful for: 

1. Brian, Alicia, Jenni, Melany, Ketziah and Lorelai as well as Jamin, Cory, Arielle and boys for dropping in to make a long and empty Saturday a day full of love and fun. 

2. Once again, the past 6 years of doing life with our adult children in the area. 

3. God's sustaining grace. 

Wave of Grief

Up again in the middle of the night. 

Five hours of questions, tears, worship, journaling in the dark, while the rest of the house sleeps. 

This wave of grief is familiar. Miscarriages, loss of parents...we KNOW grief ebbs and flows. I've discovered, personally, it best to give myself to the movement, let God carry me until I find the footing and the ground is solid once again...between waves. It does no good to fight against the wave.  

The girls shared this song, Deep Deep Waters by American Authors. 

It comes and goes in waves

It always runs back but it's never quite the same...

When it pulls me under

Will You make me stronger?

Will You be my breath through the deep, deep water?

I woke at 3 a.m. with the soul-deep realization there will be no unexpected, drop-in, winter visits by Josiah and Livie. When fishing was over, hikes and summer projects finished...when winter struck...often while Carrie worked a Saturday shift, they'd show up out here. How we love those memories now. Amazed to see again when the mind isn't focused the spirit and soul still remember. 

I'm reminded again and again to cherish; not cling. 

Yes, I wrote about this years ago...in another season of transition from a location we loved (San Angelo, TX) to one we came to love as well (Japan). This happened as we cherished the past but clung to God and each other in a new location. How odd to google titles and a blog title and there are my words...waiting to preach to my soul this morning.  

"In Susan Miller's book, After the Boxes are Unpacked, she states,

"To cherish means to hold in the mind, to treasure, to hold dear, to value

highly. To cling means to clutch, to cleave, to hold on to, to grab hold of." page 21"

This reminds me of our decision to hold family, friends, ministry in an open hand rather than grasping to keep what He has so generously given.  We are working to move from the gut-wrenching, "NO," on Oct 23rd to a shaky, "yes," once again. 

And so, in the midst of this wave of grief, the questions, the hurt, the anger, the denial, the deep sadness, the desperate bargaining (Yes, others are cycling through the stages, I seem to be swirling them all up at once) I remember to cherish the sweet past.

Hallelujah = Praise God.  Hallelujah EVEN HERE

Right now I feel a little overwhelmed

Right now I could really use some help

Right now I don't feel like it is well with my soul

I've tried to find a way around the mess

I've prayed in faith that the night would end

Right here when I just can't understand

I'll lift my hands

Hallelujah, when the storm is relentless

Hallelujah, when the battle is endless

In the middle of the in between

In the middle of the questioning

Over every worry, every fear

Hallelujah, even here

Hallelujah, even here....

I know the night won't last

Your word will come to pass

My heart will sing Your praise again

Jesus You're still enough

Keep me within Your love

My heart will sing Your praise again 

Your promise still stands

Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness

I'm still in Your hands

this is my confidence, You never failed me yet

Five hours of worship and I may be ready to face this Saturday.

I may be people ready.

Danny is "3, 4, 9!"

Today is Danny's "3, 4, 9!" birthday! Cory and Arielle invited us all to the trampoline park for a bit of fun. This was to be our "one social thing" today. 

I got Dad up and showered. I jumped on the treadmill and walked 2 miles today before I was simply DONE with being active. I cleared the deck of another 2 inches of snow. The girls worked on homework and took tests online. 

I don't know about our snow removal man. He was supposed to back plow the space in front of the door and didn't really get it all....then because he got stuck, he didn't push the snow back where we wanted it to be. We have a wall of snow 5 feet tall and 15 feet deep. We thought of paying to have someone move it, but I'm not sure they can. This is our FIRST storm...with the snow where it is we are going to lose all our guest parking before the winter is over.  ANYWAY, before we could go to the trampoline park, we needed to dig out the cars, the ramp and the front driveway. 

Michael began hauling snow.  He doesn't simply throw the snow into the orchard or off the ramp. We have to drag it to a utility sled which he pulls behind the big snow berm the snow removal man created.  We also fill our shovels and drag it to the same spot.  We got our steps in today. It took the four of working 2 hours to get this much done.  At the very end, with the van warmed up and Dad heading out to the van, Michael relented and let the girls throw the last of the snow over the ramp and into the yard.  LOL 

See the black utility sled? 

 Millie is a nuisance!

Stacia and Allie dumping the last bit over the side. 

We headed out in good time with plans to run a couple of errands.  HOWEVER, the tire light came on and the car was "squirrely." We were near the tire shop where we bought the tires and stopped to get air. The sidewall is bulging - never a good sign. They were too busy to give us a new tire. We ended up driving slowly home and Michael will be at the shop before 0900 tomorrow in hopes of getting the tire repaired. We have no spare because this van comes from the factory with run flat tires...um...but our snow tires are not run flats. 

Sadly, we did not make it to the trampoline park. Arielle sent photos. We went home and had an impromptu tea party, a bit of dinner and watched another Christmas movie and Studio C clips. 

Charles & Jared

Danny & Cory

The uncles represented!

Jamin, Jared and Nolan

Tonight, I am thankful for:

1. Family

2. Christmas movies - The Most Wonderful Time of Year

3. Safety

4. I only used about 10 tissues instead of a box.