A Full Saturday

 Saturdays are a challenge. They are the day we most expect Millie to begin barking, and Josiah, Carrie and Liv to walk in the door. They are often unplanned and stretch.  Today was a bit more emotional than normal as it's been one month since Josiah's Celebration of Life. 

Joelle dropped by for a hug and to drop off some lemon bars. So sweet - both her and the bars. 

We had loose plans to meet CoRielle and the boys at Santa's...but we never made it. 

Jared and Noah came by. They were giving Larissa time to rest. We were happy for the visit. It was great to catch up on their busy week, actually we missed Thanksgiving and church last Sunday, so it had been two weeks since we saw their family.  

Jared and Noah

We talked about places that provide painful reminders of what is missing...and I remembered with Mom eventually those places begin to bring comfort. Still the ache of missing, but ALSO the joy of remembering the fun times with her in those places. I look forward to that transition. Right now, things are pretty much painful reminders of all we've lost. I'm not sure if the legal aspect of this loss will slow things down or speed things up with grief. I guess it just is...and we will deal with what is. 

While we were visiting, we heard from Luke and Krista. They were going to come over and were bringing ingredients for Yakisoba. They also brought stuff to make wontons, a pastry and some soft drinks. I will admit the house gets a bit raucous with all the people and RENO and MILLIE in the mix.  However, it WAS great to have them come by. We visited, cooked together, ate and they headed home. 

The bonus is Millie is now tired out and is sleeping. 

If I had the energy I would go ahead and back blog a few posts from missing weeks, but I'm going to end this. I may read. Reading and viewing have become a challenge. My favorite genre has been suspense and murder mystery. That isn't working for me these days. It's impossible to consider either watching or reading a murder mystery as entertainment. I picked up a couple of other books - but I don't love them like I used to love my mysteries.  I'm a bit at a loss at the library. 

OH - and check out these cute boys who are playing the "Santa game" this year. They've always known the sad truth about Santa, but Benny asked if they could play the game this Christmas. LOL 

 

Look at those two little faces peeping out of the snowman's face. Cute boys, these 3! 

GRACE NOTES: 

1. Surprise Yakisoba. 

2. Family in the area to visit. 

3. Jared shared a video with me - and I needed to hear Josiah's voice. I have it on my phone and computer now. 

Reflections from a Moonlit Night - Michael

This has been a hard day. I am not the one who usually writes these posts, but this night - actually, this morning - I need to write. I have many, many questions. This has been a day when it is just plain hard to breathe, at times. There is a void, an emptiness inside of me that will not be filled. There is a pain in my soul that cannot find comfort. There are questions for which there are no answers. 

It is very late. I stood outside and looked up into the emptiness of the night. There were stars and a moon that bathed the mountain above our home with its sharp radiance. The trees softly reflected this same light of our lunar companion. The snow sparkled and glistened in its own way, but I hurt. I was drawn outside by the faint promise of Northern Lights. I found solitude and an odd loneliness - a deep longing for something beyond my reach. I called out into the vastness of the night sky for a sign, a word, a message - something, but there was only the darkness of the night, the twinkling of stars, the stark glow of the moon and an ever so faint hint of an aurora. 

"What do you want?" came the question to my heart. 

The question seemed ludicrous. I want Josiah back. I want one more conversation with him. I want to go fishing with him again, I want to hear his voice. I want to hold him again. I want to talk through the issues of life. At the very least, I want to hear from him and that he is ok. I yearned to know he is at peace. 

"And then what?" came a second question.

And then I will be ok..., but an image plagued my mind. I would have a simplistic proof, a simpleton's answer. I could see myself walking about as one who is devoid of the depth of a faith tested and proven in the midst of trial. I could see myself as one who dishes out the platitudes and cliches I have learned to deeply despise. I could see myself becoming what I now abhor - having a Polly Anna faith that is sickly sweet and a half inch deep.

Deep faith is not found in shallow wells.

A life without issue or trouble brings a fragility of the soul that will shatter at the falling of a leaf. 

Comfort does not produce resilience anymore than a tree sheltered from the wind produces a strong and beautiful tree that is able stand against the storms of life.

No, it is in the trial that faith grows strong. It is in walking through the valley of the shadow of death with nothing more than knowing that the Lord is with me. It is the act of holding in an open hand the questions that badger my mind and heart. It is in simple trust. It is in keeping my eyes set on the Light even as the winds blow and the waves crash against me. It is in the stillness of a starry night with the moon bathing the land and just the faintest hint of aurora. This is where faith grows strong. 

Do I want that conversation with Josiah? Desperately!

Would I trade that for the hard work of walking, believing, trusting, growing in faith? No, I would not trade, but I do want both, but only one door is available; only one path can be traveled; only one ticket can be selected. With a heart that is still writhing in agony and in the depths of pain and loss, I still choose the more difficult journey - so help me God.

-Michael

A Hard Day

Today was hard. It's been one month since many of us gathered at the funeral home and cried, laughed, remembered and prayed. We said our final farewell to Josiah's earthly body.  

Alyse grabbed a photo here and at the service

One month. 

It's such a short time and yet it feels as if an eternity has been lived in that month. 

Michael and I both struggled today. 

God graciously sent activity to our home. 

Jamin stopped by on the way to the airport! He'll be in TX for a week. We are praying it's perfect grace for Jamin in this season...visiting old places he and Josiah used to haunt, connecting with old friends. 

CoRielle and the boys came over this afternoon.  The younger ones come in asking for hot chocolate parties at this point. I've made a reputation.   While Cory played with the boys outside, Arielle and I visited, and I popped some cookies into the oven. 

After our treat Michael played games and cuddled with grandsons....at times one who didn't want to play a game, at times all 3. 

We played games. While Benny and Cory are much better than I at this exploding monkey game - I did win Benny in a game of Candyland. 

Stacia had a friend, Linnea, over to work on a project. When they were done, they and Allie bounced out to buy pizza. This took 2 hours! WHAT??? They spent the time thrifting. Allie found a great sweater. Stacia found more props for the Christmas play. 

Michael took the fall decor out (except for the bit we left up). He has been bringing in boxes here and there and I've put up what I've wanted from them. We are NOT putting everything up this year. We do have a few things up. The girls put up the tree tonight. 

After Linnea went home, Stacia did a few more hours of homework downstairs. Allie's favorite spot is by the fire...she worked on homework from that perch.  I'm not sure homework is pictured here. 

GG went to bed. Michael and I read. I fell asleep to wake up at 0316. Michael stayed up. 

GRACE NOTES

1. Visit from Jamin on the way to fly to TX.

2.Meeting Linnea, friend of Stacia and Allie...got the tree up.

3. Visit from Cory, Arielle and boys.....thankful to have won Benny in a game of Candyland.

November's Snippets

November 11th - Gideon got ahold of Bre's phone cute photos resulted. 

 First power outage of Winter 2023/24...the girls' candle supply comes in handy! 

November 20th 

Game night - Happy Salmon

We bought another 12 chicks this spring as our egg production went so low last year. Our hope was 6 - 12 eggs a day. Low and BEHOLD if those older ladies didn't up their game when the young chicks joined the flock. We are still getting TWO DOZEN eggs a day! 

This is a morning haul and there are typically 1 - 3 eggs at night as well.  And below...check out that egg. A large egg is 2 oz. 

She made a break for it...and led her friends to freedom...we actually let them free range, but it's been so cold they've stayed in the sheltered area. Michael shoveled a path to make it easier for me to get to them and they have decided it's their personal highway. 

Oh NO! We're a matching old couple. 

Noah is introduced to the wonders of Papa's flashlight obsession. 

We'll end the month with sweet photos of Noah, bundled for a winter walk! 

Josiah's Car Came Home

 It seems the "hard" of this situation keep coming. Today, Josiah's car came to our home.  The police still have his keys. We can't find a spare set. It seemed good to get it moved, and Carrie and Livie don't need it in their garage. I knew it was being towed here. And still...

My first thought as I caught the red flash coming down the driveway was, "Josiah's here!" 

He often dropped by unannounced and Jamin had dropped by this morning without me knowing he was coming. 

 As I began to move towards the door to welcome Josiah, it all hit me again! The brain does play tricks. 

I cried big and ugly. 

I went out and watched until I had to quit watching. The tow truck driver was very empathetic, and he knew his job, as well. It turns out he knew Josiah. Josiah often called him to tow cars from Alpine and Legacy before that. He told us how sorry he was and said Josiah was one of the "good guys." 

He told us he understood what we are feeling. He said the therapists will tell you they understand but they don't. Then he shared a personal story with so much tragedy and horror we had to admit we don't know what HE FEELS.  Yes, he certainly understands our feelings. 

It's nestled into a little spot. It will cause trouble for Shawn, our plow man. Michael said we'll move it when we get the keys from the police. The tow operator pointed out the messages on the back of his window.  He told us the tenants called Josiah Big Daddy J and had left a note or two on the car. 

I couldn't help myself. I looked inside. I would have sat inside if I could. Liv's toy...empty lunch containers... marks of a life cut suddenly short.  It's all so senseless and hard. We miss him so much. 

So, yeah, an emotional day - but it feels good to have the car secured and to be able to do this to help out is a blessing. It's another hard good. 

I got most the fall stuff down. Michael began popping Christmas boxes inside...for the most part I've just looked at them...I did hang two wreaths.  I mean that and a tree and we can call it good, right? 

After this emotional day, this fall decor will stay until we're good and ready to move on. ::snort:: Fall is way too short in Alaska anyway! 

Bringing his car home from Alpine where Josiah worked is one of the hard milestones we knew we'd pass along this journey. There remains many more emotional and legal hards to navigate. 

GRACE NOTES:

1. Josiah's car is secure at our place.

2. We got some minutes to spend with Jamin.

3. Michael had a good lunch with two friends - Ed and John.

Thoughts I'm Thinking on this Journey of Grief

Just a quick warning. This post may seem a bit "prickly." I am not apologizing for it - just giving any and all fair warning.

I've had a few interactions lately where I declined an activity and knew I was disappointing people. The activity doesn't really matter for the purpose of our discussion; they've been wide-ranging. 

I made the comment in a family chat, "I think grief is making me selfish," and it seemed to me I needed to guard against selfishness.  I've lived a life of service and other-focus, and it seemed I was sliding into an over-abundance of self-focus. 

via google photos

The kids did not agree (Michael doesn't participate in the chat because - flip phone). They shared what various counselors have told them - it is not selfish, especially this early, to refrain from situations which bring needless pain.  There was also talk of boundaries. When Michael heard about the thread he found me, looked me in the eye and said, "Self-care is not selfish." 

WHAT? You are quoting me back to me? snort:: There was a season in my life when Michael was at war, I was homeschooling and traveling internationally for women's ministry when a very wise woman kept saying those words to me. I write about it and share part of her email here.  Since that season of ministry self-care is something I've worked on. It cracked me up when one of my gals posted online the same day, "self-care is not selfish" in response to a comment I made. 

I'd always thought of self-care as something like a pedicure, a walk in the park or a trip to the library in the midst of a busy life.  I hadn't even thought of THIS situation in those terms. I begin to see, in this time of profound pain, it is going to be necessary to practice profound self-care.  A pedicure, though I need to schedule one, is not going to be all the self-care I need. snort:: AND if I don't spend some time focusing on SELF-CARE, it may be impossible or at least more difficult to find healing. 

Next, I realized I've been sure to be there for others while encouraging counselling and self-care, but I need to tend to ME now. Everyone is on course... 

I evaluated what is working and what isn't...

I've realized people fall into at least two groups; one group leads to healing, the other group does not. This isn't the time to delve into that topic. Maybe it's another post...everyone believes they are expressing love. 

Big groups like Sunday morning at ACF are working. Those who knew Josiah and the church's leadership know who we are, but we can also be mostly incognito. The added bonus is worshipping with many of our family. We understand the expectations, and there aren't a ton of surprises to trigger emotional breakdowns.  Well, except when Mason swung into "Gratitude," I think all, but GG, lost it...but it was o.k. We were in church; people do cry during worship, and the lights are rather low.

Recently we have felt like going out, and we have begun reaching out to those who have been offering their presence and waiting until we were ready to socialize....and this is good.  There has been so much loss. We really don't want to lose dear friends because we no longer attend the same church. There were tears at each outing but not overwhelming and no prolonged sessions of grieving sobs afterwards.  Honestly, with more margin in our lives, we have TIME for more community. 

Bigger social outings aren't working well at this point - be that family gatherings or social events. Eventually, the small talk and noise overwhelm me; my mind begins to wander, and I end up sobbing. Is that bad? Not necessarily. In a family gathering, I wasn't the only one with the problem. We simply cry when needed, laugh as needed and move on. I have heard from others who experienced something similar, and they say that eventually social outings go back to normal. 

Here are my conclusions:

Self-care in this season IS 

• pulling away from ministry responsibilities
• attending church with our children
• signing up for counseling
• maintaining relationships and friendships which support healing
• avoiding social outings which cause distress
• spending time in His presence finding daily grace
• YES...reading a book, getting a pedicure or watching Hallmark movies can fit in here too. 

Boundaries: This one is always the hardest to figure out. I suspect a counselor will be able to help with this one; this is what I have come up with so far. 

• Pursue relationships which bring comfort and healing.  Some relationships may be lost or have to be paused if they consistently lead to false guilt. Shoot - this could vary week by week or even day by day... 
• Pursue activities which promote spiritual growth and healing. 
• Take care to not step back into what could be considered a "ministry responsibility" unless Michael and I BOTH agree it supports both spiritual growth and healing in THIS season. 
• Do not succumb to pressure to do something to meet someone else's need to my detriment - in this season the focus is the very real needs I have because self-care is not selfish. 

Please note I am not a self-centered person. Doing self-care is a very deliberate act, and I fully understand there will be a time I will need to "get back to ministry," or "get back to life"...but I will determine when that time is in cooperation with a counselor, my family and spiritual guidance. I am a recovering people-pleaser; I will not be pressured to step back into ministry or these other social settings before it is best for me and my family. My goal is deep healing...not a surface band-aide. We will know when it's time to move forward - that is up to us, not observers. 

These have been my thoughts of the past few days...this and the fact that folks glibly say things like...."God restored all to Naomi in the end" or "Job's family and finances were all replaced in the end" or "God always has a plan." Yes, he does, but it's not helpful to ignore the painful realities in Scripture and in people's lives.  Naomi carried the loss of her husband and sons throughout her life. Job carried the grief of losing his children the rest of his life. YES, God restores...but y'all, don't be glib. It's actually much MORE meaningful if you catch that these are humans whom God blessed while they lived with their grief.  

I've also been exploring the difference between mourning and grief, but that will be a whole other post. 

Oh - and a gentle revelation which was a light bulb moment for me...."It is well with my soul," is NOT Scripture, y'all. It's a SONG. It was not always well with Jesus' soul...He wept, read about Lazarus' death, the Garden of Gethsemane, or his reaction after his cousin John was executed. Read a Psalm or two - it wasn't ALWAYS well with David's soul. It's OK for things to not be well with my soul. It doesn't mean I am sinning or weak or in danger of "backsliding."  It means I will GO THROUGH the valley of the shadow of death aware of HIS PRESENCE, and at some point, it may AGAIN be well with my soul. We are most helpful to others when we let ourselves be honest with both the Scripture and our lives. 

"A Little Child Will Lead Them"

 It is said, "A little child will lead them," (Isaih 11:6) and that does seem to be the case when I observe everyone in the family getting their Christmas decorations up. Even reluctant, grieving mamas are decorating, "For the kids."  

Carrie and Liv, once again, had their stuff up EARLY.  It's beautiful and I didn't grab a photo. Of course, I knew they needed something to spark joy, and they had HELP decorating. 

I THINK CoRielle were next....though I think everyone hit at about the same time? I was sick - I'm fuzzy on details. Arielle and Carrie are usually early, but she hadn't wanted to decorate. BENNY was READY. 

Sweet boy!

3 is such a fun age! Look at Danny's smile.

This will be Noah's first Christmas! 

Such a great decorator! 

Bre reports Bella was up early, helping to get everything done so they could decorate. 

She inherited the Eager Christmas Decorator gene. 

What about us here at Wibbly Wobbly Acres? Well - I simply didn't want to decorate and have no children dying to get it done.  I deduced from past experiences I was the driving force of decorating and no one else really cared one way or the other.  I decided I would be happy with a tree with lots of lights and the Willow Tree Nativity. I wasn't in a hurry because I am still reluctant to move into Christmas without Josiah. A friend said to be sure to talk to everyone about what they need and what is essential instead of pushing to "do it all."  She is wise!    

I discovered everyone around here loves lots of decorations - they just don't like the putting up part.  They agreed, however, I didn't need to put it all up if I didn't feel like it.  I offered to call in my tribe. I KNOW there are women who would come over here and decorate with me...or FOR me if I was on the couch in tears. I said I'd have hot drinks and snacks and get 3 or 4 women over.  That IS an option. But at that point, I think it sounded too much like a party, and the family decided maybe they don't need it ALL up. ::snort::

Michael then confessed he hates to see the fall decorations come down too. I am considering leaving a bit of fall in the living room and moving in a few Christmas things. 

This morning was my Tuesday with the Boys. They were so excited to show me their Christmas Books and Decorations. 

Everyone got to pick a few to be read and we were occupied for a full hour. We also worked out and played with kits from "the closet." At one point Benny said, "Boys, Bachan has Christmas books at her house! AND a nativity."  And just like that I know I'd best add books and the kids' nativity to the tree and Willow Tree nativity. It's true...kids do really lead. ::snort:: 

Charles had a certain way he wanted it all. 

The girls had an evening engagement. Michael proctors tests from Global University for Danny, a friend from MAG. He came over tonight to take the test. They are usually fairly quick...and the test was quick... I'm not sure when he went home...it was fun to sit and visit with Danny. Danny is the youth pastor at MAG. Allie works with him in the youth group. 

I spent some time journaling - which helped me figure out what is helpful for me (this week) and what is not. 

GRACE NOTES

1. A husband who does things to make me smile...the outside Christmas lights were on in the wee morning hours; my car was filled with gas, and he'd cleaned it after driving it.  What a blessing he is for so many reasons. 

2. Thankful for Josiah, a son who lived his life in such a way he had an impact way beyond his years. I pray my life has as big an impact. 

3. Grandblessings! 

4. Catching college girls for chats between their craziness. 

5. A sweet note and homemade Lavendar soap and lotion from Twyla, a friend I dearly miss from our four years in Japan. 

6. A letter and money to buy a memorial rose bush in the spring from Cindy, a friend from our assistant pastor days in Montana (1991). 

NOTE: All children decorating photos were sent by respective parents. LOL