BreZaak gave me permission, over a week ago, to blog about this part in our family story....
I need to write about it. It matters, deeply. These lives matter. These lives are a part of our family story and they've impacted our family history. But. I'm a coward and wasn't quite sure what to say. I'm still not.
The pain is raw. I find myself ragged in this season where our family seems to be surfing through one test after another.
I told Bre to voice all her emotions to God. God can handle our emotions: fear, disappointment, ANGER....and I've learned when I don't voice them to God I tend to develop a root of bitterness. I've been having moments with God quite a bit in the past five months. God is faithful to meet me in those moments.....as I move closer to Him with my pain and confusion.
One of the BEST days in life was April 15, 2014....the day that BreZaak asked to Skype and told us we were going to have a grandchild! We were on Skype so I captured a screen shoot. See us in the corner - totally UNCONCERNED about aging. LOL
Bre chose such a fun and creative way to share her news with Izaak.
I was half expecting a call after Bre saw the doctor for her first visit. I received a call on May 15th - while shopping for VBS - and it was immediately apparent that things were not right. The doctor could not find Baby Faith's heartbeat. And the waiting began - and the wrestling.
You see, I've had seven miscarriages. Yes, we prayed for healthy pregnancies. Yes, others prayed for healthy pregnancies. Some prayers just don't get answered as we'd like. You can click pregnancy journal at the right if you want to read more of my thoughts during our last miscarriage. I was told I would not conceive. I was then told I'd never carry to term. God has blessed us with nine treasures and I choose to focus on that - rather than my unanswered questions - but still - all these years later - I MISS those babies we never got to raise....and I have prayed that our children would not walk this path.
Baby Faith left Bre's womb and went directly to heaven in June. For the first time EVER I was happy to have walked the path of pain which I had. I was able to grieve and understand what Bre was walking through.
We continued to pray for BreZaak - as we do all of our children. In the midst of preparing for Fall Rally I previewed Loving Well. Listening to Beth Moore share her exciting news about her daughter expecting was hard...and I had a long meeting with God. I shared I felt it was time....He placed the desire for motherhood in Bre's heart and I felt it was time He fulfilled the desire of her heart. Fall Rally was Aug 22/23rd. And I watched that video again where Beth Moore is over the top excited....and I told God it was o.k. I surrendered.
That VERY AFTERNOON - while I was IN a session I began to get distracting texts and missed calls from Bre. Then alerts she was posting to the Baby D board...and messages to call her. We did. I can't find the screen shot from THAT call....but the timing took my breath away. BreZaak were expecting Baby Boy. So exciting....many more calls, more pins, more texts, more photos. Bre is very tiny and so she shows quickly.....and we all rejoiced. Baby boy miscarried on October15th - during International Miscarriage and Stillbirth Awareness Week.
Do I regret the miscarriages? Yes! Do I regret the lives of Baby Faith and Baby Boy? No. For many glorious weeks we had the excitement and joy of being grandparents to these two - indeed we still are. Some day, I truly believe, we will meet these two in heaven. They brought us great excitement and joy every day of their short lives.
God and me? We have reached an understanding. He's God. I'm not. Life sometimes stinks - but He loves me and I trust Him.
All to Jesus I surrender;
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.
As I pray for BreZaak, and for other family stories not mine to share, God reminds me I have prayed my children love and follow Him passionately. I have grown the most as a person, a wife, a parent, a child of God during the hard times. Why would I expect life to work differently for my children? I have seen our kids hold up in the hard season of the past few months. I've learned new lessons about faith and love and pain as I've watched them navigate the paths they are on - and He does answer. He answers the desire of our hearts - not always in the way we want. I pray for my kids to depend on him deeply - and He's answered that prayer - even while I prayed they not have to walk any painful paths which would be beyond their ability to "handle." Isn't that the point? We can't handle life and the hard times illustrate that clearly for us.
Now, I'm praying for some good times to follow the hard times.....I'm also rejoicing in the strong faith I observe in my children.
Bre has blogged her thoughts and I will be copying them into this blog somewhere so they will be printed as part of our family's story. You can read about Baby Faith and Baby Boy by clicking the underlined text.
Living all of life before the face of God...