THIS is exactly what I hope to avoid by not telling folks that I'm pregnant until the second trimester.....I don't want anyone to have to endure the ups and downs of this season with me....and so delete if you so desire. I've debated how honest, or raw, to be here.
I've had high days. Days of extreme confidence. God has heard my prayers for 3 years that I not have to walk through another miscarriage. He blessed with Stacia. I was slow getting pregnant with this one...that MUST be because He is honoring my prayer and I'm simply not conceiving babies that would miscarry.
I also have days where it feels that fear is a very real person. I feel like it is on my heels, breathing down my neck, and threatening to pull me under some terrible pond of despondency. I want to go to sleep and wake up in a couple of months when all this will be resolved.
For the most part, I've felt confidence. I called the docs office this a.m. and reached the nurse. She said that she'll pass the message on to Dr. Laura and she'll call me back....but she also asked about pregnancy symptoms. THEN IT HIT ME!!!! I'm not drop dead sick this time. I'm not spending hours with my head draped over the toilet bowl. This should be cause for joy. I've prayed for light nausea...but now...ack...I'm not experiencing symptoms. A bit of my history - I've always felt GREAT in the pregnancies that I've lost and been sicker than a dog in the ones that continue. Fear threatened to overtake me. I finished school. I grabbed my Bible and ran for my room, after getting Stacia down for a nap. I journaled in my "written journal" - those raw things that may or may not ever make it to public. ::snort::
For some reason it seems important to leave a trail of how very precious we consider this baby to be. It seems important that there be some "evidence" of his life....even now...Of course, in the back of my mind must be the thought that if we lose him I'll remember all I thought and felt during this time...but also so that this little one knows that we are NOT simply breeders...that he is not simply "another child"...that he is an individual and was greatly rejoiced over and wanted from the very start...before we got to know him in person....so I journal.
My prayer: God save this little life. We want to hold him, kiss him, partner with you in raising him to fulfill your unique call on his life. Please don't call us to walk a path of pain and loss again.
Ah God's word...always so close and precious.....Phil 4, James 1, Hebrews 4:16, I peter 5:7, Ps 55:22, Is 26:3, Is 41:10, Ps 139, Ps 127....so many jewels there to mine. Peace and comfort for the asking....and so I beat back the fear once again. I take the thoughts captive. I move forward and I keep trusting...in a God who has my ultimate best in view, in a God who is rich in mercy and grace, a God who will ALWAYS carry me...and I specifically pray for this little life. I pray for enough nausea to reassure me that I'm having pregnancy symptoms - but not enough to incapacitate me. I pray not to pass out while driving. I pray that I walk ever closer to His throne of grace and that I receive mercy and grace in this time of need. I pray for life.
I've had high days. Days of extreme confidence. God has heard my prayers for 3 years that I not have to walk through another miscarriage. He blessed with Stacia. I was slow getting pregnant with this one...that MUST be because He is honoring my prayer and I'm simply not conceiving babies that would miscarry.
I also have days where it feels that fear is a very real person. I feel like it is on my heels, breathing down my neck, and threatening to pull me under some terrible pond of despondency. I want to go to sleep and wake up in a couple of months when all this will be resolved.
For the most part, I've felt confidence. I called the docs office this a.m. and reached the nurse. She said that she'll pass the message on to Dr. Laura and she'll call me back....but she also asked about pregnancy symptoms. THEN IT HIT ME!!!! I'm not drop dead sick this time. I'm not spending hours with my head draped over the toilet bowl. This should be cause for joy. I've prayed for light nausea...but now...ack...I'm not experiencing symptoms. A bit of my history - I've always felt GREAT in the pregnancies that I've lost and been sicker than a dog in the ones that continue. Fear threatened to overtake me. I finished school. I grabbed my Bible and ran for my room, after getting Stacia down for a nap. I journaled in my "written journal" - those raw things that may or may not ever make it to public. ::snort::
For some reason it seems important to leave a trail of how very precious we consider this baby to be. It seems important that there be some "evidence" of his life....even now...Of course, in the back of my mind must be the thought that if we lose him I'll remember all I thought and felt during this time...but also so that this little one knows that we are NOT simply breeders...that he is not simply "another child"...that he is an individual and was greatly rejoiced over and wanted from the very start...before we got to know him in person....so I journal.
My prayer: God save this little life. We want to hold him, kiss him, partner with you in raising him to fulfill your unique call on his life. Please don't call us to walk a path of pain and loss again.
Ah God's word...always so close and precious.....Phil 4, James 1, Hebrews 4:16, I peter 5:7, Ps 55:22, Is 26:3, Is 41:10, Ps 139, Ps 127....so many jewels there to mine. Peace and comfort for the asking....and so I beat back the fear once again. I take the thoughts captive. I move forward and I keep trusting...in a God who has my ultimate best in view, in a God who is rich in mercy and grace, a God who will ALWAYS carry me...and I specifically pray for this little life. I pray for enough nausea to reassure me that I'm having pregnancy symptoms - but not enough to incapacitate me. I pray not to pass out while driving. I pray that I walk ever closer to His throne of grace and that I receive mercy and grace in this time of need. I pray for life.
15 comments:
Praying His Peace for your mind/spirit/heart,Sis and your family (near & far) as they share in this w/you.
Sis:
I was blessed with Nathaniel in that I had not one bit of nausea, headaches, or horrible pain that put me on my back with legs up over and on the davenports. You and Willie gave me a run for my money. Nathaniel was a breeze....
I'll quit praying about nausea because I have been praying you won't have any this time and not be so sick as you sometimes are. :)
We are praying for you both and will continue to do so. I love the way you allow God to talk to you heart, soul and mind and let Him pour His peace over you.
I won't tell you what else I am praying for unless it happens. :):) It is a good prayer. :):)
I noticed the change to calling this baby him.... Guess it is best to be ready for either.
Call any time day or night you want to. You know me sleep is a thing that happens in crazy ways so it makes not one bit of difference if I get woke up at any time. I'll just fall right back to sleep for a couple hours anyway. :):):)
Love you all, praying for you all. Just sit back and enjoy all the neat things about being pregnant and we'll believe for another super darling and wonderful child.
Hugs, kisses, love & prayers
De'Etta, I'm praying for your peace of mind and that your baby will be healthy and full term when delivered. :)
Praying for His peace for you. As hard as it is, I feel so privileged that you are sharing this journey with us.
Boy, do I understand how you feel. There were so many days that I wished I could sleep the first couple months just so that I wouldn't worry.
Just to let you know, I usually have horrible morning sickness but it doesn't start until 6 weeks. Just when I start to think I'm going to have an easy time, is usually when it hits me hard.lol
Also, I didn't even know I was pregnant with Isaac until the third month. He has been the best baby.
I will continue to pray for you. Hang in there!
Praying right along side you...
I am glad to be privileged to walk alongside you in your journey through my prayers. I am also glad you have decided to journal this pregnancy. It gives me much more specific ways that I can pray for you in a personal way daily. I am definitely praying alongside you now.
Oh De'Etta . .. my prayers are with you! I too will pray for His sweet peace to totally invade you from the top of your head to the soles of your feet. Also, like Lisa, I never felt sick until closer to 8 weeks . . then it kicked in good :-)
Praying for you! Hopefully you are just that much healthier this time and you are going to have an easy pregnancy!
Isaiah 26:3
You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.
This is the verse that came to mind as I read your post. I know you trust in Him and am praying for the peace that passes understanding for you. I was wondering if you were able to get ahold of the doctor. I am glad you made the call. I will continue in prayer for you and this precious little one. Thank you for allowing us to petition the Father on your behalf.
De'Etta - what a beautiful post! How blessed we are that you share some of your thoughts and feelings and prayers with us. We will surely ignore if we aren't interested in walking along side you. :) NO need to apologize.
I have a beloved friend (Tina - currently serving in Thailand with New Tribes) who has three healthy, prefect children and has gone on to have 6 miscarriages. I think I've shared about her situation before. She just told me that she is pregnant again. I hope you don't mind if I share your blog with her. Having someone else who understands the fear and sadness and hope, all rolled into one big mess, is so powerful.
Love you!
Ladies - thanks for the encouragment and prayers. There is nothing quite like Christian sisters. If nothing else my roller coaster posts may help those who have never experienced pregnancy complications understand what it is like for others. LOL
Kathy - yes - I would love to think that some of my confusion may help someone else.
My morning sickness with this one didn't start until 9-10 weeks I believe, then it hit with a vengeance. Praying for your peace of mind and a healthy babe.
Hugs,
Jen in Az
DeEtta,
I don't think you should be worrying about a lack of nausea at this early stage.
Just try not to fall out of the shower any more. {g}
Yep - Mike has confirmed that I shouldn't expect nausea for about another week and then I'll be sicker than a dog. He says every pregnancy I'm SURE that I'm not going to be sick this time and then it hits....so we can skip praying for nausea and just pray for peace! Since I'll be asking you to pray that I can keep lunch down in a few weeks. LOL
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