No, it's not a typo. It will go in the pregnancy journal, but I want to discuss the journey. It's been a week since our precious babies went into the presence of God. This post has been a long time coming. I've known I would need to say more at some point...but I've waited.
I thought after reading Bre's Letter that maybe I wouldn't post. What a heart that girl has. I can remember thinking when she was 12, "I want HER walk with God"....how humbling to hear that she wants to imitate me. {sigh}
Several have commented on my transparency on the blog. We've talked before about why I allow myself to be vulnerable. If I'm any sort of mentor, I want you to see the warts and all. I'm NOT perfect or worthy of being placed on a pedestal. I'm a sinner saved by a big boat load of grace! Just as you are. I wasn't totally transparent on the blog because we weren't sure for weeks how things would turn out. We didn't want to worry our children until we had concrete information. As it turned out we did not get that definite information until I miscarried. I've debated if it even mattered to write anything else...because really....it's not any one's business...you know? But then several have touched me deeply by saying that walking through this with me has helped them know how to minister better to women who have lost babies. Several have written and said that sharing my experiences with you in the past has helped you walk through a miscarriage and you were a strong support for me during this time.....and so I will most likely write one last really long pregnancy journal entry, or a few more.
Yes, I'd prayed for 3 years that I not be asked to walk this path again. God chose not to intervene (though He could have) this time. I could not tell you WHY God gave us a little one (though I should say ones) for such a short period of time. But these are things we know. We believe life begins at conception. Life doesn't begin when a woman gives birth and it doesn't end when she miscarries. We believe that God chooses children as gifts for families. We believe God placed these babies in our family. We could say "but WHY FOR JUST 11 WEEKS?"...but then again...if life begins at conception, and we believe that to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord, then these children (all that we've lost) continue to live. They live before the throne. They are still a part of our family. We know that God is good. We know that God is certain. We know that God is sovereign. We've settled these issues and our circumstances will not change these bedrock facts. (If you've not listened to Bring The Rain at the top of the blog - do so - it will bless you).
I had a really bad afternoon when the doc told me that she just wasn't sure WHAT was going on with our pregnancy. I have an amazing, Catholic, pro-life doctor. She was great during this time. Always wanting to wait until we saw what would happen. Never telling me, "this looks so bad, let's just end it". I had a spiritual 2 year old temper tantrum that day when she said, "I don't understand what I'm seeing". I ranted. "God - I BEGGED you not to let this happen ever again!" "I cannot walk through this again. I'm too emotionally fragile." "Please heal this baby". "WHY do you let me become pregnant (which is a miracle) only to refuse another miracle????" I went so far as to tell God that I was done. This was it. I would never have another baby regardless of how this turned out. Yeah - I even quoted Ps 127 to Mike and pointed out that it said "children of your youth" and I wasn't sure he qualified any longer. ::snort:: ::hiccup:: I quoted Corinthians and said that there was a way out of recurring miscarriages (one quick trip to the doc for one of us).... Sad and embarrassing to admit - but I threw a temper tantrum. You know what? God is big. He's bigger than my emotions. He loves me to be real and raw with Him - He knows anyway. He only asks that I remember He IS God - I'm not - and that I surrender. By the time Mike and I talked and prayed... I was ready to be mature. I remembered that we'd placed this pregnancy in God's hands from the moment we were aware of it. We determined not to remove it now when things were the most uncertain (that's the BEST time to let Him rule don't you think?). I began to systematically focus on God's nature, on the lessons in His Word, and to hold to them.
This time of loss is different. Always before I've spent hours begging God to heal when told a pregnancy was not viable. This time I honestly prayed, "I want this baby...but most of all I want your life to be manifested through me - even in this time - and most of all I want your will." And wow - that made a huge difference.
I was flooded with a spirit of worship. I shared some of that before....Blessed Be your Name, How Can I Keep From Singing, Bring the Rain, We've Come This Far By Faith....and worship did my heart GOOD. {G}
God usually gives me a verse for each pregnancy. Hebrews 4 was that verse this pregnancy. And when things went wrong - by that first night I was back in Hebrews, Philippians 4: 6- 7, I Peter, and James 1.
During the wait God brought passage after passage to my memory - my journal is full. I wrote about many of those things on the blog. I will share links now because most did not know that I was writing in the context of our period of waiting....holding on, faith, contentment, miracles....
Here are a few more verses that ministered greatly to me during this time: Ps 139 - God forms babies, God numbers days, but hear verse 5 "You have enclosed me, behind and before, and laid your hand on me." Doesn't that sound like a hug? I'm visual - try to picture those words. I walked through this past month very aware of the hug of heaven. God is good.
As the weeks went on Ps 18:27-30 became a pillar for me. "For you save an afflicted people, but haughty eyes you abase. For you Light my lamp; the Lord God illumines my darkness....By YOU I can run upon a troop; and by my God I can leap over a wall. ...as for God, His way is blameless. The word of the Lord is tried; He is a shield to all who take refuge in Him." - Wow. Just for ME...I'm sure God wrote these words especially for me. ::snort:: I certainly felt afflicted, but I was surrendered, He lit the path, He illumined my darkness, He gave me strength to face the trial (troop) and to leap over the wall (of pain, uncertainty, trial). His way is BLAMELESS. Again - His gifts are good and this pregnancy was a gift. His word has been tried and He is a shield - I would take refuge in Him.
I spent a lot of time in 2 Samuel studying David and the loss of his son with Bathsheba. In the end he said that his son wouldn't come back to him - but he would go to his son. That comforted me. A lot.
From my journal "Rm 8:35 - 39 (before is great too). God doesn't make me immune from trouble. I will hold on to Him - to the fact that He is loving, to my relationship with Him - and I'll conquer through Him who loves me. Tribulation, distress, death, life, present, past, future - nothing will separate me from HIS love. I hold on - He holds on? Who knows? But I'm not separated from Him by my circumstances. I desperately want others to see Christ's love manifested in my life. I want them to see a surrendered child and not a demanding child".
I began to rejoice for each extra day of pregnancy instead of wishing I knew how it would all turn out. This was a deliberate decision to choose joy. And you know what? I saw something amazing. James and Peter talk about the testing and proving of our faith. I saw that my faith, my walk and relationship with Him, had matured since the last time I faced a big trial. As I surrendered - He met me. I did discover joy in the trial. I did discover peace - in the midst of the storm. I'm really not the spiritual 2 year old any longer.
Yes, I'm sad. I'm sure it will be many more weeks before I go through a day without tears. I shared how Deja ministered to us by saying, "this is a death in the family" and that allowed me to tell folks, "No, I can't do co-op", "No, I can't do PWOC Project night" and to grieve. IKNOW others had shared similar thoughts over the years but *I* was ready to hear it this time. Another friend Trish (yeah the simple scrapper one - met her at EAFB) wrote: "And I agree, you ARE experiencing the grieving over a death in the family ~ there are stages, and you'll get through those stages on God's timetable. I know you listen to Him ~ and I know He's your rock. Sometimes we feel like we're on shifting sand, but it's just a layer of sand covering our rock ~ He's still there, and you've still built your house upon Him." Oh I LOVE that imagery...the sand is blowing but the rock remains. Thank you, Jesus. For you, for friends, for your joy.
I mentioned at the start of this pregnancy that I would keep a pregnancy journal. I felt it was important for number 10 to know that he was loved and wanted. And I felt it was important to document the path if the pregnancy were to end...this life mattered to someone. It mattered to US. We (a family of 11) were ready and eager to embrace this life.
From my journal the day I miscarried: "Do I regret this pregnancy? No. This little life was made part of our family. We embraced him/her and his life continues to be a part of our family. I regret the loss and the emotional pain of that loss...but not the joy and excitement and hope that expecting this life brought into our family. I do not regret having loved this baby. I do not regret the lessons I've learned in the past weeks. This is hard. BUT I don't regret the gift of life that God blessed us with for 10 weeks and 6 days."
God's ways are blameless. His timing is perfect. This did not happen at Josiah's graduation. The girls were home and we were able to cocoon as a family. Our marriage is strong. Our family is strong. I worried about my children - but wow - God is building some STRENGTH into these young uns. He is STILL perfectly good and we still rejoice in Him.
I thought after reading Bre's Letter that maybe I wouldn't post. What a heart that girl has. I can remember thinking when she was 12, "I want HER walk with God"....how humbling to hear that she wants to imitate me. {sigh}
Several have commented on my transparency on the blog. We've talked before about why I allow myself to be vulnerable. If I'm any sort of mentor, I want you to see the warts and all. I'm NOT perfect or worthy of being placed on a pedestal. I'm a sinner saved by a big boat load of grace! Just as you are. I wasn't totally transparent on the blog because we weren't sure for weeks how things would turn out. We didn't want to worry our children until we had concrete information. As it turned out we did not get that definite information until I miscarried. I've debated if it even mattered to write anything else...because really....it's not any one's business...you know? But then several have touched me deeply by saying that walking through this with me has helped them know how to minister better to women who have lost babies. Several have written and said that sharing my experiences with you in the past has helped you walk through a miscarriage and you were a strong support for me during this time.....and so I will most likely write one last really long pregnancy journal entry, or a few more.
Yes, I'd prayed for 3 years that I not be asked to walk this path again. God chose not to intervene (though He could have) this time. I could not tell you WHY God gave us a little one (though I should say ones) for such a short period of time. But these are things we know. We believe life begins at conception. Life doesn't begin when a woman gives birth and it doesn't end when she miscarries. We believe that God chooses children as gifts for families. We believe God placed these babies in our family. We could say "but WHY FOR JUST 11 WEEKS?"...but then again...if life begins at conception, and we believe that to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord, then these children (all that we've lost) continue to live. They live before the throne. They are still a part of our family. We know that God is good. We know that God is certain. We know that God is sovereign. We've settled these issues and our circumstances will not change these bedrock facts. (If you've not listened to Bring The Rain at the top of the blog - do so - it will bless you).
I had a really bad afternoon when the doc told me that she just wasn't sure WHAT was going on with our pregnancy. I have an amazing, Catholic, pro-life doctor. She was great during this time. Always wanting to wait until we saw what would happen. Never telling me, "this looks so bad, let's just end it". I had a spiritual 2 year old temper tantrum that day when she said, "I don't understand what I'm seeing". I ranted. "God - I BEGGED you not to let this happen ever again!" "I cannot walk through this again. I'm too emotionally fragile." "Please heal this baby". "WHY do you let me become pregnant (which is a miracle) only to refuse another miracle????" I went so far as to tell God that I was done. This was it. I would never have another baby regardless of how this turned out. Yeah - I even quoted Ps 127 to Mike and pointed out that it said "children of your youth" and I wasn't sure he qualified any longer. ::snort:: ::hiccup:: I quoted Corinthians and said that there was a way out of recurring miscarriages (one quick trip to the doc for one of us).... Sad and embarrassing to admit - but I threw a temper tantrum. You know what? God is big. He's bigger than my emotions. He loves me to be real and raw with Him - He knows anyway. He only asks that I remember He IS God - I'm not - and that I surrender. By the time Mike and I talked and prayed... I was ready to be mature. I remembered that we'd placed this pregnancy in God's hands from the moment we were aware of it. We determined not to remove it now when things were the most uncertain (that's the BEST time to let Him rule don't you think?). I began to systematically focus on God's nature, on the lessons in His Word, and to hold to them.
This time of loss is different. Always before I've spent hours begging God to heal when told a pregnancy was not viable. This time I honestly prayed, "I want this baby...but most of all I want your life to be manifested through me - even in this time - and most of all I want your will." And wow - that made a huge difference.
I was flooded with a spirit of worship. I shared some of that before....Blessed Be your Name, How Can I Keep From Singing, Bring the Rain, We've Come This Far By Faith....and worship did my heart GOOD. {G}
God usually gives me a verse for each pregnancy. Hebrews 4 was that verse this pregnancy. And when things went wrong - by that first night I was back in Hebrews, Philippians 4: 6- 7, I Peter, and James 1.
During the wait God brought passage after passage to my memory - my journal is full. I wrote about many of those things on the blog. I will share links now because most did not know that I was writing in the context of our period of waiting....holding on, faith, contentment, miracles....
Here are a few more verses that ministered greatly to me during this time: Ps 139 - God forms babies, God numbers days, but hear verse 5 "You have enclosed me, behind and before, and laid your hand on me." Doesn't that sound like a hug? I'm visual - try to picture those words. I walked through this past month very aware of the hug of heaven. God is good.
As the weeks went on Ps 18:27-30 became a pillar for me. "For you save an afflicted people, but haughty eyes you abase. For you Light my lamp; the Lord God illumines my darkness....By YOU I can run upon a troop; and by my God I can leap over a wall. ...as for God, His way is blameless. The word of the Lord is tried; He is a shield to all who take refuge in Him." - Wow. Just for ME...I'm sure God wrote these words especially for me. ::snort:: I certainly felt afflicted, but I was surrendered, He lit the path, He illumined my darkness, He gave me strength to face the trial (troop) and to leap over the wall (of pain, uncertainty, trial). His way is BLAMELESS. Again - His gifts are good and this pregnancy was a gift. His word has been tried and He is a shield - I would take refuge in Him.
I spent a lot of time in 2 Samuel studying David and the loss of his son with Bathsheba. In the end he said that his son wouldn't come back to him - but he would go to his son. That comforted me. A lot.
From my journal "Rm 8:35 - 39 (before is great too). God doesn't make me immune from trouble. I will hold on to Him - to the fact that He is loving, to my relationship with Him - and I'll conquer through Him who loves me. Tribulation, distress, death, life, present, past, future - nothing will separate me from HIS love. I hold on - He holds on? Who knows? But I'm not separated from Him by my circumstances. I desperately want others to see Christ's love manifested in my life. I want them to see a surrendered child and not a demanding child".
I began to rejoice for each extra day of pregnancy instead of wishing I knew how it would all turn out. This was a deliberate decision to choose joy. And you know what? I saw something amazing. James and Peter talk about the testing and proving of our faith. I saw that my faith, my walk and relationship with Him, had matured since the last time I faced a big trial. As I surrendered - He met me. I did discover joy in the trial. I did discover peace - in the midst of the storm. I'm really not the spiritual 2 year old any longer.
Yes, I'm sad. I'm sure it will be many more weeks before I go through a day without tears. I shared how Deja ministered to us by saying, "this is a death in the family" and that allowed me to tell folks, "No, I can't do co-op", "No, I can't do PWOC Project night" and to grieve. IKNOW others had shared similar thoughts over the years but *I* was ready to hear it this time. Another friend Trish (yeah the simple scrapper one - met her at EAFB) wrote: "And I agree, you ARE experiencing the grieving over a death in the family ~ there are stages, and you'll get through those stages on God's timetable. I know you listen to Him ~ and I know He's your rock. Sometimes we feel like we're on shifting sand, but it's just a layer of sand covering our rock ~ He's still there, and you've still built your house upon Him." Oh I LOVE that imagery...the sand is blowing but the rock remains. Thank you, Jesus. For you, for friends, for your joy.
I mentioned at the start of this pregnancy that I would keep a pregnancy journal. I felt it was important for number 10 to know that he was loved and wanted. And I felt it was important to document the path if the pregnancy were to end...this life mattered to someone. It mattered to US. We (a family of 11) were ready and eager to embrace this life.
From my journal the day I miscarried: "Do I regret this pregnancy? No. This little life was made part of our family. We embraced him/her and his life continues to be a part of our family. I regret the loss and the emotional pain of that loss...but not the joy and excitement and hope that expecting this life brought into our family. I do not regret having loved this baby. I do not regret the lessons I've learned in the past weeks. This is hard. BUT I don't regret the gift of life that God blessed us with for 10 weeks and 6 days."
God's ways are blameless. His timing is perfect. This did not happen at Josiah's graduation. The girls were home and we were able to cocoon as a family. Our marriage is strong. Our family is strong. I worried about my children - but wow - God is building some STRENGTH into these young uns. He is STILL perfectly good and we still rejoice in Him.
8 comments:
De'Etta - thank you for sharing your heart with us. My dear friend (with New Tribes in Thailand right now) lost her baby as well. You were pregnant at the same time and I was praying hard for both of you. This is her 7th miscarriage (I believe) after 3 normal, healthy children. I've shared your blog with her.
Thank you for the encouragement to just love and cry and sit with our hurting friends.
We studied 2 Corinthians 1 in church several weeks ago. That very afternoon we found out the husband from our small group had been killed in Iraq. How amazing to read about the God of all Comfort and then have an opportunity to live it out.
Bre's letter was beautiful. What a testimony you are to your children.
De'Etta,
Thank you for sharing your heart! Your thoughts ministered to my heart.
Laura
I don't have words right now. Just thank you. I've been having my share of spiritual temper tantrums also. I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one. Thanks too, for sharing about what to say during hard times. I'm a fixer. It helps to know that just being sorry is enough. Love you, sister. ~Yvonne
Now see, THAT'S the De'Etta I know. You can make me cry and laugh all in the same conversation (or in this case blog post). And it's good to show your human side ~ I can honestly picture your "two year old spiritual temper tantrum" ~ probably because I've had a few of those myself! But isn't it amazing how, as we mature, our temper tantrums don't last as long, and when they do finally end, we learn so much more from God and have grown closer to Him despite our (feeble) attempt to show Him we want what we want? And so, once again, you've amazed me De'Etta. I still cry with you daily ~ and I will until God lifts that burden from me. But reading your blog is at times almost as good as hearing your voice (in my head, anyway), and you make me laugh as I cry with you. Thank you, dear friend, for showing your heart. Not just in this post, but on your blog in general, and in your daily life as a whole. Love ya, girl! (Oh, and, if you haven't already done so, you should probably apologize to Mike about you comment to him that he's past the age of qualifying for "children of our youth"! LOL)
Trish
Thank you so much for sharing your heart. I have no words either, but your words have helped me to see how I can be there for my friends who have lost babies - including my sister who has had three miscarriages. Continuing to pray for you & your family.
DeEtta,
I think I shared with you that a friend here from our co-op also had a miscarriage the same time as you. I'm going to email her your blog entry.
Thanks for sharing.
Sis:
Love you so much!!
love/preayers
"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Cor 12:9-10
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