|Danny (seated), Benny, Arielle, Cory, Little Buddy (in pack)|
Believe me, I know. It’s hard. It’s messy. It’s heartbreaking. I’ve often cried this past year mourning that things are not how they should be. That there’s pain and trauma and a loss. I’ve often prayed I could just hold him and wipe all the hurt away with the strength of my love. But I know that’s not exactly how it works.
I’ve cried and been angry and frustrated. There’s a piece of my heart walking around that doesn’t even realize who I am or how much I love him or how I will always be on his side and fight for him. My heart has broken watching him cry, watching him look for safe arms and wanting to be that person for him as he seeks comfort but knowing I can’t replace what was supposed to be. Can only pray God will use me now. Can only patiently love and wait from afar as he doesn’t know I’m any different from the other adults in the room who will come and go.
I’ve sat feeling raw and scared. I’m equal parts the “good guy” who loves him deeply and wants to be all I can be for him but I’m also the “bad guy” who will take him away from the only familiar love and safety he’s known.
I’m terrified I’ll mess up. I’m no saint, why was I chosen? I’m a mess myself. What if I CAN'T? What if I FAIL? My heart immediately cries out “failure is not an option” but my mind second guesses...how am I supposed to walk into the pain and trauma and help him through it? How on earth is God gonna use a messed-up human like me?
I know...it’s hard. It’s messy. Heartbreaking. Nothing like Hollywood. There are no rose-colored glasses. I know. But yaknow what else I know? My God.
My God is healer. Savior. Redeemer. Strength. Comfort. Peace. Refuge and fortress. My God is present and future. My God KNOWS and CARES and is walking beside us and ahead of us. guiding and carrying us thru the hard. Thru the mess. Thru the pain and heart break and trauma to the other side. My God is a miracle worker. And he loves more than I ever could and has a GOOD plan. A plan of redemption and grace and healing. And I’m HERE FOR IT.
One thing God whispered to me when I was praying about all this way back when...you’ll never regret loving well. Even if it’s hard. Even in the darkest night. I’ll never regret loving well- ESPECIALLY when it’s hard